Ali Men Tell All Recap

CH welcomes us to the show: "Welcome to one hour of recaps, mixed with 40 minutes of commercials, and 20 minutes of new footage. Justin and Frank aren't here tonight. They are meeting to discuss the details of Frank's screenplay for a made-for-TV movie of Justin's life titled 'Justin: the PG Story of the Rated-R Wrestler.' Now only two men remain, Chris and Roberto. All of America is watching to see who will become Ali's husband!" At this point, CH bursts out laughing. He turns to the producers and asks, "Really? I can't just say who will become Ali's boyfriend for the next six weeks till they break up?"

We now get to view a pre-taped conversation between CH and Ali that has been heavily edited. Get it? Heavily? I made a pun about Ali's weight? No? Ok, moving on... CH and Ali rehash the season and we get to see recaps of the last 9 weeks.

CH: "Let's talk about some of these guys... Kirk and his scrapbook where he called his mom beautiful, crazy Kasey and his tattoo, Kirk's dad with the dead animals in the basement. What did you think of it all?"

Ali: (giggling) "Ha ha ha! Those were classic Chris! But I couldn't be rude to their faces. Like when Kasey showed me his tattoo, I tried to sound positive. Now that it's just you and me Chris, I can laugh about it and tell you I was so uncomfortable! These guys were stone cold crazy!"

CH: "It's not just you and me Ali. We're filming this to show at the Men Tell All special."

Ali: "Oops! I meant to say, those guys welcomed me into their homes and hearts. They are all so sweet!" (giggles)

CH: "Good cover Ali. Moving on... Let's talk about your date with crazy Kasey at the museum."

Ali: (giggling) "Huh?"

CH: "You're saying you have no recollection of this?" (shows her video footage of date)

Ali giggles more and shakes her head no.

CH: "How can you not remember this?"

Ali: "I was probably wasted and blacked out. I was drunk for about 90% of the filming. I'm drunk now!"

Next, the most memorable bachelors from this season return. Or so says CH. It was more like 10 guys who agreed to be on this episode. Because I'm sure some of these guys were never on TV before, much less this show! Each guy gets the chance to talk about the experience: they rip on Kasey, the weatherman, big hair Craig, and Rated-R Justin. Except Chris N.- he doesn't say a word.

Finally CH sits down with Kasey.

CH: "What possessed you to get that tattoo?"

Kasey: "The ABC intern gave me $10 to do it. And I thought it was the best way to guard and protect someone's heart."

Notice, we never saw the tattoo.

At this point I become very bored. I end up fast forwarding thru most of the garbage that we've already seen at least 10 times. A few things I did notice is that Craig R. has become the expert on everyone and everything! CH goes to him for every comment about it all.

Some random guy: "Justin was a jerk for two timing Ali!"

CH: "I agree. Craig, how to do you feel about it?"

Craig: "Well I have to say he is a jerk and a chicken for leaving the way he did. And I am NOT friends with him like he's been saying."

CH: "Let's talk about Kasey's tattoo."

Another random guy: "Yeah that was pretty crazy!"

CH: "Craig, what do you think about it?"

Craig: "Kasey is bat shit crazy but he's still my friend."

CH: "Well that about wraps up our show. Any final thoughts guys? Craig R?"

Craig: "If you are hurt or injured in an accident and need a lawyer, please call me!"

Unfortunately, that wasn't really the end of the show. ABC has gotten special permission from the CIA for Jesse to be on the show and dish about her inside info on Justin. And extend her 15 minutes of fame. Oh wait, that's in two weeks when she appears on Bachelor Pad. Jesse recaps how this info just "fell into her lap" and CH opens questions up to the audience for the expert Jesse. First he goes to Ali. Oh wait, that was just a pregnant woman in a bad outfit. The women all bash Justin and everyone cheers. Craig R. agrees since he's the expert on everything.

Ali arrives wearing a disco ball dress. Her hair has been "done" by a flock of angry birds. She pretends that Justin and Frank leaving didn't send her into therapy for her insecurity issues. She laughs at the guys who all tell her she's great. Then the producers pay Kasey $20 to sing to Ali again.

Finally we get to see what I actually like about the MTA- funny out-takes. And last we get to see 10 minutes of recaps of Chris and Roberto's journey so far, 10 minutes of previews for next week's finale along with 15 minutes of previews for the Bachelor Pad which starts in two weeks.

So that's it. That's all I've got. It was the worst MTA but luckily I DVRed it and was able to fast forward thru most of the BS. Including the 20/20 special that aired from 10-11. Shame on you ABC for billing it as "new" only to show us about 5 minutes of new stuff before parading out the same stuff as last time. Oh well, hopefully this Wed. night on E! (10:00) we will actually learn something new in the "where are they now?" special. Depending on how good it is, I might recap that so check back Thur./Fri. Until then...

Ali Episode 9 Recap

Chris from Cap Cod opens this installment of the Bachelorette standing on the ledge of a building, looking like he's about to jump off. I would be too before admitting I was falling in love with Ali. He waits a full 13 seconds into the episode to mention his dead mom. Oh yeah, and he's blushing something terrible. Like always. The producers then do a ten minute video montage of his "journey" with Ali so far.

Next we see Roberto packing for his trip to Tahiti but he's confident that Ali'll pick him and his dimples. Then the producers show ten minutes of Ali and Roberto making out over the last nine weeks.

Last, we see Frank putting all of his black suits in a suitcase while telling us that even though he's fallen in love with Ali, there is something that's holding him back! He's still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. He admits that it's killing him that he has feelings for two girls. Nevermind the fact that Ali has feelings for three guys right now. My husband was watching with me at this point (although I'm sure he'd deny that to anyone who questions him on this fact) and he asked a great question that sums it up well: if you can't trust the woman you're two timing your wife with, who can you trust? Frank decides he needs to go back to Chicago to see if Nicole still has feelings for him too.

When Frank gets there, he "finds" Nicole in a hotel. Even though he hasn't talked to Nicole in months (per Frank), she graciously agrees to meet with him on a national TV show where he's gone to fall in love and propose to another woman. Nicole's a swell girl. Not a fame whore what-so-ever.

Frank: "I'm a nervous wreck! I've spent the last....." (long pause) "...long while fighting other guys for Ali. She knows nothing! But you are going to hear it all Nicole. Ali and I had something amazing right from the start." Another LONG, long uncomfortable pause. "And Ali is a great girl. We have a connection. Producers, did I do that right? I was having trouble remembering my lines. I used the words amazing and connection though."
Nicole: "Ever since you've left, you've consumed my whole mind everyday. It's really hard. It's heartbreaking. Um, producers, am I reading these cue cards right?"
Frank: "It's too bad for Ali that Kasey is no longer here to guard and protect her heart because I'm about to break it!"

Basically Frank tells Nicole that he can't stop thinking of her and wants to know if they still have a spark. The camera crew graciously leaves so the two can find out. Nicole admits that without Frank, she doesn't feel complete. She talks about people completing other people like she just watched the movie Jerry Meguire on the hotel's Pay-Per-View channel. She tells Frank he needs to come home, he breaks into the biggest grin, ABC cues the cheesy after-school-special music, and they all live happily ever after.

Oh wait, no they don't. Frank has to fly to Tahiti to break up with Ali first. (Am I the only one excited that she is going to get a taste of her own medicine?) Then Frank can come home to Nicole to make the third successful relationship to ever come out of this show's 20 seasons.

The first date in Tahiti is with Roberto. But first, Ali jumps into the water and flings her hair extensions back like a cheesy 1980's actress. Then she waddles to Roberto's straw hut (is Chris's hut made of sticks and will Frank's be made of brick?). They board a helicopter (really? again?) and we get views of the beautiful islands with clear blue water, awkward kisses between two helicopter headphones, and Ali's yellow bikini top under her see-thru white wife beater tank top. They land in the Pocanos. Or another heart shaped place for a picnic and swimming in mis-matched bathing suits. They drink and make out while voice-overs tell us how great each other is and how gorgeous the island is.

After the ABC intern spends hours trying to untangle Ali's hair extensions, they finally give up and knot it up more on top of her head. Ali and Roberto go to dinner in the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. Ali gets sufficiently schlossed before pulling out the fantasy suite card. Roberto tells her he's falling in love with her, the producers play the porno music, and the two horn-dogs run, I mean swim, to the fantasy suite to make love. Ali climbs the ladder and Roberto gets a nice preview of her crotch before we go to commercial.

Next up is Chris. Ali and Chris climb on a huge boat to drink beer and make out. Why is Chris wearing my 5 year old daughter's sea shell necklace though? And how many times did they use the word "like" in their conversation? They must have just watched the movie Valley Girl. Didn't Ali use the expression "gag me with a spoon"? Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. And I don't think she said spoon.

The producers have a romantic date planned on an island but in order to help Ali shed those 15 pounds she's gained, they stop the boat a mile away and make her and Chris swim to it. But their plan backfires when Ali makes Chris carry her there. They find pearls inside oysters which is symbolic for what Chris is going to give her later on in the fantasy suite.

ABC makes Chris and Ali wade through waist deep water to get to dinner too. Ali sucks down her mai tai while Chris starts talking about his mom again. They kiss and he starts getting his blotchy blush thing going on before Ali whips out the fantasy suite card. Chris looks around for CH before heading to suite 54 to make Ali a necklace with the pearls they found earlier. Then Chris shares that his mom is probably very happy looking down at him about to close the deal with Ali. AWK-WARD!

The last date is with Frank. He has his glasses and gloves off. He's here to tell Ali he's going home to his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. Since he's there to break Ali's heart, ABC puts him up in the worst hut there is. No ocean view, no fancy bed... this is war! And who understands Bachelorette war better than CH? That and ABC needed to justify flying CH to Tahiti even though there isn't going to be a rose ceremony so they bring him in to talk to Frank about how to dump Ali.

CH tells Frank that Ali is crazy about him. I think she's just crazy. He asks Frank what he's planning on doing. The clock is ticking! There is a date in one hour! Frank practically screams at CH that he's hoping he will tell him what to do. I think he's secretly hoping CH will just tell Ali for him. But no can do Frank... he must do it himself.

I must pause here to reflect on how funny this is! CH is all worried about Ali because she really likes Frank and he's about to dump her. But isn't that the exact same thing that Ali has been doing with the guys the last few weeks? And where was CH then to wonder about their feelings?

Ali arrives wearing an off the shoulder shirt. She's reflecting on her relationship with Frank and their "amazing connection." She knocks on his door all giggles and grins and hugs, only to hear Frank's monotone "Ali, we need to talk." Ali puts on her pouty face and follows Frank outside before turning on the tears.

Frank tells Ali about Nicole. She wipes her nose on her hand and runs her fingers through her hair extensions. She's mad at Frank but I keep wondering why Frank's not pointing out to her that she's the pot calling the kettle black! How is what he did any different than what she's been doing? They both cry into their fingertips while Ali reminds us all once again how she gave up everything to be there. She throws her flip flops on the ground in rage and pulls on her hair extensions. I'm starting to think she's going to pull the darn things right out! Finally she hugs Frank and leaves to go plop down in the middle of the beach to cry like she did in the middle of the hotel hallway after leaving Jake last season. CH comes up with a pina colada to console her. Man, he either didn't really feel sorry for Ali or he's the worst cheer-er upper there is! And would someone please give this girl a glass of water or some chapstick? Her lips were so white and chalky from all the booze and sun the poor thing was dehydrated!

Evan though there will be no need for a rose ceremony because Frank left on his own, Ali still looks at the pictures of the three guys before turning Frank's picture face down. Now she needs to know if Chris and Roberto are really there for the right reasons. But I'm still confused as to what Frank's "wrong reason" was. He was there to see if he loved Ali. He saw he didn't so he left. Right?

Ali's apparently gained so much weight, the only thing the wardrobe people can find that will fit her is a ginomous tent. Ali plops down with CH to tell him that she knows she's not supposed to be with Frank. She's a real smart one, that Ali. I wonder how she figured that one out? I bet her good friend Jesse from Jake's season called her to help her crack that mystery.

Then CH drops the biggest shocker of the night- there WILL be a rose ceremony. Mostly because CH wants Ali to tell the guys what happened with Frank. And also because ABC said it's in his contract to always perform a rose ceremony and count each episode.

Chris and Roberto get situated and CH welcomes them.
CH: "Chris, Roberto. Obviously Frank isn't here. Something happened but I don't want to be the one to have to tell you that you're both sticking around another week by default so I'm going to let Ali explain it to you."

CH then counts to 2 and Ali passes out the roses to Chris and Roberto. Which means Frank is really gone. So who do you think she'll pick in two weeks? Will Frank come back? Or does Jake return to try once again to find a woman to listen to him and not undermine him with interruptions? I'll be back next week to recap the Men Tell All (although I'm sure I could recap it for you now- nothing new is learned). Until then, please leave your thoughts and comments in the comments section and have an "amazing" week!

Ali Episode 8 recap

The show opens with Ali walking around a garden looking like she just smelled a fart. She tells us she's excited about meeting the four guys' families, packs her suitcase, and hops on an airplane (now that ABC has cured her fear of flying) to go to Tampa, FL to meet Roberto's family first.


Ali jumps out of the Jeep wearing Ginger's blouse from Gilligan's Island to fling herself into Roberto's arms. Roberto takes Ali to the baseball diamond where he used to play AAA ball. He gives her a jersey with his old number on it and tries to teach Ali how to bat. She appeares to be pretty decent. Although, I'm sure the 10 clips we see of her throwing, catching, and hitting were just 10 out of 10,000. Ali makes Roberto carry her around the field. Then they sit down to drink champagne and Roberto gives her his baseball card collection. Ali admits she's nervous about meeting Roberto's family because she knows nothing about them. So Roberto makes it all clear as mud for her.
Roberto: "My dad's tough. But he's not too tough. And my mom is passive, you know?"
Ali: "No Roberto. I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. That's why I'm nervous. I'm sure I won't be good enough for them. Or you. Or anyone. I'm scared they won't like me. So just give me more champagne and kiss me."
Roberto complies.


They go to Roberto's parents' house. His mom looks like she's 20 years old. His brother is even hotter than his is! Dad has a few questions for Ali though. He's pretty skeptical of everything. He gets Ali to share her goals with him:
1.) She wants to own her own business. What that business is we never find out.
2.) She wants to be successful. Yes, she actually said that.
When asked if she'd be willing to give up some things she might want for Roberto, she says, "I want Roberto to be happy. For him to be happy, I need to be happy. So I need something that fulfills me too. Why are you asking me this? The producers said I'd always get what I want!"


Roberto's parents give Roberto their blessing to propose to Ali. Then they all salsa dance in the living room after the intern pushes the furniture up against the walls.


Next, Ali goes to Cape Cod to meet Chris and his dog. It's pouring rain so Ali wears her high heeled tall leather boots to walk around the beach. Ali's jeans get tighter as the day goes on and her butt gets bigger. It takes Chris 5 minutes into the date to bring up how he moved home when his mom got sick. He is Tenely and his dead mom is Tenely's divorce and ex-husband.


Apparently the landscaping business is booming in Cape Cod. They go to Chris's mansion, drink some beers while looking at pictures of Chris's mom, then go sit outside in the rain. Ali's bra stuffing is lopsided during their conversation and her left boob is bigger and higher than her right boob. Her mardi gras beads make it obvious. And her hair has grown 2 inches since she's arrived in Cape Cod because her roots are terrible. She doesn't even bother to brush the rat's nest before meeting Chris's dad and the rest of the fam.


I gotta say, I love Chris's family! His dad is like the perfect old man or grandpa. I want to marry into this family and I'm already married! What is this guy doing on this show? He seems way too normal. I'm sure he's not going to "win" and ABC will make him the next Bachelor. This is the first time in the show's history (and yes, I've watched every show of all 20 seasons!) that I've almost cried real tears. This family is so awesome!


As they are saying goodbye to his family at the end of the night, Chris has to pull Ali's beer out of her hands and push her into his dad's arms for a hug. Then they go to a tower to drink wine and make out like a couple of horny teenagers. And I've finally found fault with Chris- he's a terrible kisser. It looks like he's gonna suck her whole face off!


Ali goes to Greenbay, Wisconsin to meet Kirky's family. First they go to his dad's house. They don't even have their coats off and already Kirk's dad is creeping me out with his askewed toupee and asking Ali if she wants to go see his basement. I think I've seen this guy's picture on "Wanted" posters for child abduction. "Hey, little girl.... want some candy? Want to see my basement?"


Meanwhile, Kirk's stepmom is a wealth of knowledge for her dear stepson.
Step-mom: "You gotta go with what you feel. When your dad met me he said he had to think with his head, not just his penis." Or something like that...


Then they go to Kirk's mom's house. Ali brings a gift bag to his mom. Hopefully it contained some teeth. Ali and his mom bonded over their same hair extensions, Bump-its, and bad dye jobs.


Last stop for Ali is Chicago for Frank's hometown date. Frank walks around Navy Pier wearing Duran Duran's favorite outfit until he just happens to bump into Ali. She jumps into his arms and he tries to spin her around but she's gained so much weight he can barely lift her up. So they get on a boat and drink some beer. Frank whines about the situation and Ali doubts her self worth before going to meet Frank's mom and dad.


Dinner with the family goes well. While Ali and Frank's mom talk outside, Frank chats with his sister and her husband in the Trading Spaces Asian inspired room. Frank expresses his doubt over Ali. Foreshadowing?


The rose ceremony arrives and CH finally makes his first appearance of the night one hour and 44 minutes into the show. He welcomes Ali back to the mansion in LA and sits her down to talk since they still have 16 minutes to kill.
CH: "Welcome back Ali. How was it?"
Ali: "Amazing!"
CH: "Let's break it down. You started off with Roberto. What was his family like?"
Ali: "Amazing!"
CH: "Next was Chris. Tell me about that visit."
Ali: "Amazing!"
CH: "What about Kirk?"
Ali: "Well other than the fact that we didn't take our coats off the whole time, it was amazing!"
CH: "Last was Frank..."
Ali: "He's so amazing! Can I just give him the final rose now?"
CH: "We've been through this Ali. You need to lead two others on for a couple more weeks. Can you do that?"
Ali: "I guess."
CH: "Ok, well I'm going to go let the guys in. Then I'll be in the corner practicing counting to 3. Come out when you're ready."

Roses go to Roberto, Chris, and Frank. Which means Kirk has to go home.

So that's it folks... what did you think? Did Kirk's dad scare you? Do you think his freaky family is what sent him packing? What's Frank's deal? Who do you think will get the final rose? Leave your comments below and I will see you all next week!

Sorry!

Unfortunately the recap will not be up until very late tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest. I apologize and ask that you please, please, please remember to check back then. Also, please leave comments for me. Thanks!

Ali Episode 7 recap

The show opens with CH waving the 5 remaining men, who happen to all be walking down the street together, to the town square in Portugal. His hair needs cut so badly it’s blowing/sticking out in back. He tells the guys where they are and they all start clapping excitedly, like they didn’t already know their location. There are also about 500 dirty pigeons shitting on their feet.


The first date card arrives: “Come be the king of my castle…” It’s for Roberto. While he tries to crack the code of the Bachelorette date card, Frank starts to freak out again about not getting to spend all the alone time with Ali that he wants to. Um, Frank, your jealousy is getting old. Didn’t you ever watch this show? Didn’t you know what you signed up for here? Hasn’t CH made it clear at the beginning of every episode what is going to happen? Why still act shocked that you don’t receive every date?


Ali and Roberto walk around the town taking silly pictures of each other jumping off fountains like 5th graders. Ali is wearing flesh colored flats. It looks like her hair extensions are falling out. And speaking of falling out, her rear end is almost falling out of the tight short jeweled skirt she has on too! The two make fun of the Portugal police and dance in the street to music only they can hear. Then they hop on a city busy and make out.


The two on one date goes to Ty and Frank: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank bitches some more about having to share Ali. Ty tries to figure out what the clue on the date card could possibly mean. He’s secretly hoping for a time machine so he can travel back to their last date and change his answer about women working outside the home.


Meanwhile, Roberto and Ali have finally arrived at their destination: a castle! Ali’s first order of business is to get drunk. They compliment each other over dinner and wine until Ali’s is so hammered she can’t speak. Then she just giggles and kisses Roberto. The whole date was pretty uneventful and boring.


The next day, Ali picks Ty and Frank up in her DeLorean to travel back in time. They go to a castle (seriously ABC, is that all there is in Portugal?) and are forced to walk up the 1000 stairs. I think this is because the producers noticed Ali had put on a few pounds and wanted to make her work them off before giving her more food and alcohol. On the way up to the castle, Ty spots a deer and they all stop to “aw” over it like they’ve never seen one before. Ali is stressed about the awkward factor of having two guys on a date so she does what it takes to get past it- she gets drunk.


Ali pulls Ty aside for some one on one time first. She tries to clear up the confusion of if Ty will allow her to work or not if they’re together. Ty backpedals and insists that he wants someone to want to further their career. The ABC intern pulls him aside and whispers in his ear that Ali might not be for him then since she quit her job and doesn’t even have a place to live. But Ty shrugs him off and continues his confusing answer. In all this time, Ali has drunk another bottle of wine and is so drunk she no longer cares about work. They make out for a bit before she goes back to find Frank.


Frank and Ali talk about family.
Frank: “When you come to my house, you’re gonna feel like you’re part of the family, Ali.”
Ali: “How do you know I’m gonna come to your house?”
Frank: “Oh you’re coming. If I have to stuff you in a sack and drag you there kicking and screaming I’ll do it. But either way, you’re gonna meet my family.”
Ali: “Oh, just give me a bottle of wine to down and I’ll do whatever you want.”
Frank: “Good, have some more right now then because there is something else you need to know- I live in my parents’ basement.”
Ali: “Do they let you have girls stay over? If so, then I’m cool with that. Afterall, I’m gonna be living in my mom’s basement once this show stops filming. Let’s just make out.”


Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, another date card has come for Kirk: “Once upon a time…” Once again, the clue has the men all stumped. What could it mean? Oh, I bet I know- a castle! But first they go drink big tall beers before hoping in a horse drawn carriage that will take them to yet another palace. Ali is freaking out about the hometown dates and Kirk can tell that something is wrong. He knows how to fix it too- wine please! That and another story about his mold poisoning. Another boring date that included a castle, wine, and making out.


The last date card arrives for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” He gets the scooter date but he doesn’t know how to drive it. Ali calls it a moped and then insists that she drive. They go to a winery because Ali’s favorite thing to do is drink. She asks Chris about his mom. Three hours later, we have her life story and Ali has a bracelet that his dad’s friend made for her. Did they call it a “dentist’s bracelet”? Ali pretends she likes it and then they make out.


The rose ceremony arrives and so does Ali wearing the slip cover to my grandma’s couch, circa 1975. She goes to the room of pictures to look at each guy again, all while telling us how important home town dates are because that is where she will meet families. Thanks for that Captain Obvious.


CH welcomes the guys to the rose ceremony and explains the “rules.”
CH: “Welcome guys. I told you all at the beginning of the week how important tonight’s rose ceremony is. There are five of you but only four roses. Which means that one of you will be going home. Because 5 minus 4 equals 1. Now, if no one wants to challenge my mad math skills, I’ll go get Ali.”


Roses go to Chris, Frank, Roberto, and Kirk. Going home is Ty. Ali walks him out in the pouring rain to say goodbye instead of standing just inside the door to have the post break-up chat. Ali appears to be more upset than Ty is. She continues to stand in the torrential rain long after Ty’s limo is gone. She walks back into the castle like a robot. The intern dries her hair extensions, gives her another glass of champagne, and sends her in to the remaining guys.


But wait! It’s only 9:30! That means we get a full 30 minutes (minus the 17 minutes for commericals) for the Jake and Vienna interview. First of all, CH refers to their break up as “shocking.” Really? Tell me one person who is surprised by this. 1.) because it’s Vienna and 2.) because it’s the Bachelor- they never stay together. Then CH promises he’s going to get to the bottom of why they broke up. I’m yelling at my tv that we don’t need 30 minutes for that and sum it up in one sentence: “Vienna is a bitch!”


Now I didn’t take a lot of notes from this segment because it’s all so train wreckalicious that I could just watch. It was going too fast for me to write anything down too. But here are the things I did notice:
1.) CH talked to the cameraman like there was a studio audience present. The whole thing felt like he’d found the set to the Bachelor mansion in a dumpster and was “filming” it a la Kramer on the Merv Griffith set in his apartment. I seriously expected Vienna to walk in carrying an injured squirrel or something! Although, she did accuse Jake of drugging her and playing with her toys.
2.) I still do not like Vienna and I’m sure she wasn’t completely innocent in their breakup but I gotta say, Jake really came off as a total controlling asshole. This is pretty much what every encounter was like:
CH: “Why didn’t it work out?”
Jake; “Well Chris, Vienna was always interrupting-“
Vienna: “You have a temper!”
Jake: “and undermining me-“
Vienna: “You are such a liar!”
Jake: “She went to BEEP and BEEP to get paid for our story.”
Vienna: (ripping off microphone) “That’s it! I’m leaving!”
Jake: (shaking head) “That’s pretty much how she is Chris. She needs to be put in her place. I’ve never raised my voice in any of my past relationship. Heck, my mom was always the one doing the yelling, not me. But Vienna needed to be slapped around a little bit. I’m not to blame here. She is.”


And that ladies and gentlemen, is it. I’m sure this isn’t over though. Don’t you think ABC will parade these two fame whores out again at the MTA special? And the ATFR special? I’m sure we’ll see plenty more of them. In the meantime, who do you think is going home next week? Who do you think the girl is that Frank hugs in the promo for the rest of the season? Anyone else find the first 90 minutes of the show a total bore and waste of time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments and I will be back next week.

Ali Episode 6 recap

Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the word “magical.”


Show opens with Ali walking around Turkey looking pensive, wondering when the intern is going to bring her her first drink.


CH welcomes the 7 remaining men to Istanbul wearing his wife’s hot pink v-neck sweater set and high heeled black boots. The guys all have trucker hats on and look tired and jet-lagged.


The men go to their room and CH sneaks off to Ali’s hotel suite because he knows she’ll have some alcohol. That and to tell her not to be so sure that nothing could go wrong and to stop putting on her perfume- things are about to change! Dum-dum dum…


CH: “Ali, you remember Jesse from last season right? She’s the one who made up the story about Roz and the producer doing the nasty on the stairs in the mansion? Well she apparently found out something about one of these guys too. She’s a wealth of knowledge actually. I think she works for the CIA now. Anywho, she wants you to call her on this secure line. I know the phone is from 1974 but I promise you it’s safe. I’ll just go sit on this couch and look uncomfortable.”


CH dials Jesse’s secret number and Ali breaks out in a sweat. The phone rings 20 times before Jesse answers to tell Ali that Justin has a girlfriend who is with Jesse right then! Ali tries to work up some tears for the camera but really she’s just relieved it’s not Roberto.


Ali: “Whew! That guy was going home this week anyway. Thanks Justin’s girlfriend (who is still crying on the phone to Ali about how he two timed her as well). Maybe the ABC psychotherapist can finish this conversation with you but I’ve got to go talk to Chris Harrison about this now. Bye!”


Ali is pissed! And she’s such a bad ass that she’s not going to let Justin get away with this. She’s going to confront him herself. With the help of CH and the whole production crew of course.


Ali marches down to the guys’ room and sits them all down and calls Justin out. He gets up and walks away without a word. Ali chases him thru the hotel (after getting a reassuring hug from Roberto of course) but even though Justin still has a hurt foot, Ali can’t catch him. Justin wins this game of tag.


The guys are all mad too and stay in the room to bash Justin. Why didn’t any of them get up and beat his ass? Seems to me she would have liked that and probably given that guy the date rose. No?


Ali chases Justin all over the hotel grounds, begging him to talk to her. He continues to run from her as she repeatedly calls after him that he’s going to regret this. Finally Justin comes back to “explain” to Ali what happened. His best defense is that he’s sorry. Which is actually better than I thought he’d do.


Ali is still pissed and tells us this was her fear all along. But I can’t really figure it out because she never really appeared to care about Justin anyway.


As the camera shows Justin limping back to the airport, the ABC intern plays the saved voice mail messages from Justin to his girlfriend while we’re treated to some swangy Turkish guitar music.


It is now 30 minutes into the show and finally the first date card arrives! “Let’s Get Steamy!” for Ty.


Ali runs through the park and the pigeons scatter a la Elaine Benes. She’s ready to move on and focus on Ty. Ty shows up wearing a tiki necklace he borrowed from Bobby Brady after their trip to Hawaii and the two walk hand in hand around the city to buy cheap cheesy tourist t-shirts.


Ali and Ty go to an old bathhouse and sit around wrapped in picnic tablecloths. Then they start rubbing lotion on each other. Both look so hot and uncomfortable. When Ty goes in for the kiss, Ali turns her cheek.


Back in the bachelor suite, the next date card comes: “Love Conquers” is a group date for Chris, Roberto, Kirk, and Craig which means that Frank gets the one on one date.


Back on the date, Ty’s voiceover tells us the chemistry was there between him and Ali on their date as the camera shows us Ty leaning in to finally kiss her while she clutches her knees to her chest and looks so uncomfortable. Ty is in love and planning their honeymoon back in Turkey.


Over dinner and drinks, Ali questions Ty about his divorce. I couldn’t quite make out what the reason was. Did the ex wife want to work and Ty thought she needed to stay home and cook and clean? Or did she want to be a Dottie-Domestic and he thought she needed a job? Very confusing. But Ali has consumed enough wine by this point that she no longer really cares. She gives Ty the rose and they kiss. Then they go outside and dance on the street to street musicians. They are so bad they make Kate Gosslin look good.


The group date begins with the four guys walking down the street, looking for Ali. She’s up in a castle. After being spotted, she throws down her hair extensions for the guys to climb up. Ali is chugging a huge beer even though it’s only 8:00 a.m. She tells them there will be no rose on the date but they will need to olive oil wrestle for some special alone time with her.


All four of Ali’s guys got their asses kicked by the Turkish wrestlers. Then they have to wrestle each other. First up is Craig vs. Chris. Craig wins. Kirk and Roberto fight and Roberto wins. Then Craig beats Roberto in a strange twist of salad dressing wrestling. He gets the alone time with Ali.


Ali wipes away tears and sniffles that she really wanted Roberto to win. Afterall, that’s why she make up the silly oil wrestling anyway- she thought for sure Craig couldn’t possibly win that one! But she sucks it up and gets on the boat with him to start sucking down more alcohol.


The last date is a one on one with Frank. He shows up wearing the weatherman’s Members’ Only jacket whining about his insecurities with Ali before they go to a Turkish flea market and laugh at the natives.


Ali and Frank go down into the sewers to have dinner. Ali describes this place as being “magical.” Just like the castle where she had drinks with Craig and the bathhouse she went to with Ty and the spa she went to in Iceland and just about everything else she needs an adjective for. They wade through ice cold water to get to the bottle of champagne and huge plate of bread and rolls.


Frank tells Ali that he only wants to be married once. They all say this every season and it always cracks me up! Who says, “Ya know what? My goal is to get married, have it go horribly wrong, get a divorce, and get married twice baby! Second time’s a charm!” DUH!


Maybe it’s the sewer gas she’s been breathing in or maybe it’s because she’s consumed a whole bottle of champagne but either way, she’s smitten with Frank’s “I’m only getting married once speech” and gives him the rose.


The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party arrives and so does Chris L. wearing sneakers with his suit. Ali sneaks into the room of pictures without CH and looks at the frames. CH catches her in there and she tells him the most shocking thing all season- she wants to skip the cocktail party and go right to the rose ceremony.
CH: “Just so we’re clear Ali, if you skip the cocktail party you’re also skipping the cocktails. That means no alcohol. You understand that, right?”
Ali: “Oh yeah, I’m good with that. I’ve been drinking since noon. Just like every other day we’ve been filming. I’m good.”
CH: “Ok, then I’ll go tell the guys that Craig is going home. Come join us to tell him goodbye when you’re ready.”


Ty and Frank already have roses. The rest go to Roberto, Chris, and Kirk. Which means that along with Justin, Craig is also going home this week.


Craig cries in the reject van on the way to the airport. I feel bad because I don’t feel bad for Craig. I just want to know where Ali got the cute heels she was wearing. Unfortunately, she doesn’t tell the guys that info, but instead informs them they are heading to Portugal next week.


The previews show us basically who is going home next week, who the final 3 are and that Frank ends up dumping Ali before the rose ceremony to take it down to the final 2. Did the ABC intern mess up with airing this footage? Or did Fliess just pull another fast one on me again? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…

Ali Episode 5 recap

Before I start on the recap I wanted to say thanks to my readers. I noticed the last few weeks that I have had a few new visitors to this site. I appreciate the time you have taken to read my views on this train wreck of a show and I hope you have enjoyed my sarcasm. Thanks for leaving a comment after the recap as well- I love the feedback. Now on to the show…


Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the phrases “guard and protect” and “wear my heart on my sleeve.”


Show opens without CH! How will we ever know what’s going on? ABC has apparently cut the budget because not only do we not get CH, we don’t even get real cameramen. Each guy is given a camcorder in the airport to record their trip to Iceland themselves. I guess they didn’t get any interesting footage though because we see each guy make a silly face at the camera in the NY airport and the next thing we see is them walking down the street in Iceland.


Ali walks around Iceland with George Costansa’s “leave-behind” hat still doubting herself.
Ali: “I know I can find some guy to love here. Heck, I thought I loved that dork Jake last season so obviously I’ll love anyone. My biggest concern is if they’ll love me back. And if they will guard and protect my heart.”


The guys walk down the street bitching about how cold it is. In Iceland. CH is there to greet them wearing 59 shirts and to explain the dates: three dates this week- 1 group date, 1 one on one date, and 1 two on one date. The one on one date goes to the guy who writes and performs the best love poem for Ali. They have one hour to write the poem. If they can include Icelandic words they get extra credit. If not, they have to stay after school and clap erasers.


The next thing that happens is probably the most dramatic thing this show has ever seen! Chris N. speaks! He talks more to some random dude on the street then he has to Ali all season.


So I thought they spoke English in Iceland but I guess not because I couldn’t understand a word the natives said to our dear bachelors. Anyone catch anything? The only thing I thought I might have heard was “stupid Americans” and “dumb show.”


Frank admits he’s written a few love poems in his day. Really? You don’t say Frank! So he’s feeling really confident.


The guys perform their poems and they go like this:


Craig: reads something unintelligible in Icelandic. Then admits he made it up. Pretty funny actually.


Kasey: “I’m crazy Kasey and I’m here to stay. You can’t get rid of me any day. I will always guard and protect your heart. Pull my finger and you’ll hear me fart.”


Ty: talks about his dorky hat. I think he also mentions his dogs?


Justin: rhymes random words with “wrestle.”


Roberto: speaks in Spanish then flashes his dimples.


Chris L.: reads a Dr. Seuss book.


Chris N.: “Hi Ali. I’m Chris N. I know we’ve never really talked before. But don’t worry- I haven’t spoken a word to anyone on this journey. Anyway, it was nice to finally meet you. Should I pack my bags now or wait till the rose ceremony?”


Kirk: he pets her while impressing Frank with his poem.


Frank: steals Kirk’s move of approaching Ali and touches her while telling her how great she is.


Ali picks Kirk for the one on one date because he touched her and used the word “journey.”


Kasey tells the camera that Kirk is a lucky guy but he’s not worried because he came there to find love and he’s not going to leave Ali alone till she loves him back. Or faces a restraining order. Whichever comes last.


Kirk and Ali go pick out matching Cedar Point outfits together at “The Sweater Shop” and then feed the geese before getting Ali the drink she so desperately needs.


Kirk is nervous to tell Ali about his dating past. Ali suspects he’s not telling her something important. But she downs three shots of vodka and doesn’t care anymore.


Back at the bachelor hotel room, the group date card comes: Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank. That means crazy Kasey and Rated-R Justin are going on the two on one date.


Back on the date, Ali and Kirk go to dinner and Kirk opens up about his past. He was really sick 5 years ago because of a haunted house he lived in while in college. No one could cure him so he saw a voodoo doctor who told him the house he lived in had mold and asbestos. The only way to cure it was to go back to the house on Halloween night and sleep there alone in the attic. Somehow from this story Kirk decides he’s meant to be with Ali and Ali gets turned on by it all and starts to make out with him. Then she gives him the rose.


The next day is the group date and man is it BORING! They ride these weird little horses and then have to repel into a cave. Ty comments that there’s no telling what’s down in the cave. Even though there is safety equipment sticking out the hole and power cords from the cameras in there.


Meanwhile, Justin wants to one up Kasey’s tattoo so he gets his fake cast removed for his date. And it’s a good thing too because if he thought walking on the beach with crutches was hard, there is no way he could have trekked up the icy mountain with those bad boys!


Back on the date, the 6 dudes and Ali sit in the bottom of the hole together. I’m surprised the producers didn’t make crippled Justin go on this obstacle course of a date. Then they all go to a hot springs which is a giant hot tub that Ali says is “magical!” Ali downs her champagne like it’s shots of tequila and steals Ty away to “explore.” Which translates to “swim to the other side of the rock to get away from the rest of the guys.” Ali baby talks to Ty while straddling him. However, she keeps looking over his shoulder to see what the others are doing. And although she does hump his leg, he doesn’t get a kiss.


Then Ali takes Chris L. to the same spot and slurs to him, “Tell me about your past relationships.” He starts to tell her but she starts to giggle before kissing him.


Frank peels Ali off Chris L. and takes her inside. Ali is so drunk I can’t understand a thing she says. That or she has learned Icelandic. Frank can’t understand her either but he doesn’t even care because they are finally alone together.


By the time Ali has to give out the rose, she’s so drunk it’s comical.
Ali: “What an amaything day. (giggle giggle) First the cold! And now the warm spath!” She gives the rose to Ty after seeming to forget his name for a second. Then she passes out.


The next day, Justin and Kasey pack their bags and Kasey tells Frank he’s excited to show Ali his tattoo because he’s literally put his heart on his sleeve. I yell at my TV that 1.) that’s NOT his heart but a picture of one that the ABC intern drew and 2.) that’s not his sleeve- it’s his ARM!


The three are whisked away in a helicopter to watch the volcano erupt. Ali has apparently gotten over her fear of flying because she doesn’t even seem bothered by the volcano spewing hot lava at them and is more bothered by the fact that she has to spend the whole day with these two weirdos. They land on the volcano to make it easier for Ali to get rid of one of the guys at the end of the day. No need for a reject helicopter- just push the guy into the volcano.


Before heading into an ice cave to drink some Irish coffee, Ali tells the camera, “The only thing Kasey needs to do on this date is be normal.”


No one has told her that usually Kasey spends his days locked in a 6 by 6 padded cell and that this is the most “normal” he’s been in years.


Ali and Justin have some boring alone time before she heads outside for her alone time with Kasey. He decides to tell her about his tattoo. Ali starts looking around like she’s being Punked. I look away because I am so embarassed.


Ali makes both guys trek up the mountain just to give away the rose and push the other guy off. She gives the rose to Justin and doesn’t even need to push Kasey off- he jumps. Ok, so she doesn’t push him and he doesn’t jump but they do leave him alone on the top of the freezing mountain and fly off in the helicopter.


The rose ceremony arrives and Kirk wears his dorky sweater from their date. Ali wears Elizabeth Taylor’s dress. Craig draws a fake tattoo on his arm.


Ali pulls Chris N. aside for some alone time and (I’m not making this up) asks him to tell her one thing about him that she doesn’t know. He tells her his name.


Chris L. tells Ali he would move to San Francisco and then talks more about his dead mom again.


Roberto and Ali kiss and talk about how hot he is.


Finally CH steals Ali away to make her decision. They sit down to talk it over together.
Ali: “Why are we doing this now Chris? We’re 5 episodes in and have never done this before.”
CH: “Well Ali, two reasons. First of all, ABC didn’t fly me all the way here just to count to four at the rose ceremony. And secondly, Kasey didn’t go nuts enough for us when you dumped him. We were counting on a good 15 minutes of footage of his craziness. Since that didn’t happen, we need to fill this leftover time with something. Plus, you are so insecure and I like to needle you about that. So tell me why you aren’t good enough for these guys again.”
Ali and CH talk about how she’s afraid of not being loved back. She’s so whiney and irritating. And drunk. She finally goes to the table with the pictures and pretends she doesn’t already know she’s sending Chris N. home.


The time to pass out the roses finally arrives. Kirk, Ty, and Justin already have roses. The other four go to Frank, Chris L., Roberto, and Craig. Going home with Kasey is Chris N.


Chris N. gets in the reject limo (wouldn’t it be hilarious if Kasey were sitting in there too?) and says- I’M NOT JOKING- “I don’t know what to say. I’m kinda at a loss for words.” No shit! You have been at a loss for words for the last five weeks! Until tonight I seriously thought the guy was a mute!


Next week the guys and Ali are heading to Turkey and we will find out that someone has a girlfriend back home! Who do you think it is? Justin? Roberto? Wes? Tune in next week to find out. Until then….

Ali Episode 4 recap

Show opens with 30 minutes of recaps followed by CH earning his 50 cents for the week with telling the guys about the week to come: 2 one on one dates and one group date. He also tells the boys to pack their bags for a trip around the world. First stop is New York City!


The guys leave sunny warm LA and head to NYC where Ali is walking around in Wonder Woman’s boots and drinking coffee and freezing.


Hal, from In Style magazine, obviously paid a huge sum of money to ABC to promote the July issue and gets to “make-over” Ali’s look. Which, from what I saw happening, means she gets a manicure, pedicure, clear eyeshadow applied with a Q-tip, and a curling iron to the old hair extensions. At the end of the makeover, Ali looks the exact same.


While Ali is busy having her picture taken with Hal, the first date card comes for Kasey’s one on one- “Let’s do what comes naturally.” Kasey interprets that to mean, “Let’s use every cheesy pick up line ever invented.”


Kasey prepares for the date by putting on… wait. Huh? What is it? A coat? A sweater? A hoodie? Whatever it is, it has professor leather elbow patches and a fisherman’s hood. It’s hideous!


Ali decides to wear something new and exciting for her date too- skinny jeans and flats with her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. Hal is somewhere either yelling at his tv or hiding in a closet. How do I know? Well honestly I don’t for sure but I’m pretty certain he would be doing that since that’s what I did for most of the episode. Wasn’t everyone?


ABC gets creative for this date too- a helicopter! So original! Or not…


Kasey talks about Ali becoming a beautiful butterfly while Chris L. (I love him by the way) talks about Kasey looking for unicorn love. Funniest confessional ever! Did I mention, I heart Chris L.


Kasey mistakes this reality show for American Idol and starts to sing (badly) every thought that comes into his head. My 5 year old likes to do this too. “I got up and brushed me teeth. Now I’m going to play with my ponies! Yeah! Play with my ponies!” Kasey’s song was similar. Ali starts to laugh until she realizes he’s for real. I covered my ears.


At this point, Ali wants to end the date but the producers won’t let her because they’ve already rented out the Museum of Natural History. But apparently the ABC intern never paid the next payment after the deposit because even though the doors are unlocked, there are no lights. To make up for forgetting to mail the check, the ABC intern runs out to buy some flashlights at the Dollar Store so we can hear Ali say, “Oh my goodness! I LOVE dinosaurs!” What doesn’t this girl love?


Ali keeps trying to run away from Kasey but he can keep up with her. She then tries to hit on a stuffed gorilla by calling him a monkey but no luck- she’s stuck with the ape of Kasey for the rest of the night.


Back at the bachelor hotel room, the next date card arrives: Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathon, Frank, and Ty. “Best play.”


Ali takes Kasey to a floor covered with pillows in front of a pedistal with the rose on it to interview him for the role of husband.
Ali: What makes this different than other relationships you’ve had?
Kasey: One reason. You. Otherwise everything else is the same. I always date a girl who is seeing 24 other guys and being filmed 24/7.
Ok, just kidding. He really said, “I’ve never had any other relationships before but I’ve watched a lot of them on tv and in cheesy movies.”
Ali: Intern! Help me! Get this weirdo away from me!
Intern (whispering in Kasey’s ear): Why don’t you sing again?
So Kasey breaks out into another made up on the spot horrible song. Glass starts shattering. Ali starts crying. Then she tells him he is not getting the rose tonight but she doesn’t want him to leave. She’s such a ruler breaker! She leaves him alone in the museum with the rose he didn’t get and runs off to fantasize about Roberto.


For the group date the next day, the guys go to Times Square for a video message from Ali to come find her in the concrete jungle. Her hiding place sucks and the guys spot her waving out a window of a nearby building in 3 seconds.


They crash a practice of Broadway’s Lion King. The guys have to learn a dance and song and perform for Ali and the producer of the musical. The best one gets a special date with Ali that night. Too bad Kasey wasn’t on this date to sing again. Anyway, all the guys are pretty bad but Roberto gets picked because he’s the hottest. I mean, he looked at Ali while singing. The producers tell the couple they will not be watching the Lion King but IN the production!


Roberto is so happy: “This is unbelievable! Now I’m going to do a show on Broadway? I’m probably the luckiest guy in the world!” That or the gayest for being excited about it.


The other guys pretend to be upset and then have to watch Roberto and Ali practice their part of hanging half naked on stage. All while still wearing the biker shorts from their audition.


Jonathon says watching them perform is like a beehive of knives in his face. What?


This date is getting boring fast. I fast forwarded… Ali takes a walk in the rain with Frank even though she is sick. And she kisses Frank even though she is sick.


Last date card arrives while all this is going on. The last one on one goes to Chris L.- “Let’s take a bite out of the big apple.” Justin tells Chris L. he’ll wrestle him for the date.


Back on the group date, the weatherman knows how to make a girl that’s under the weather feel better. By interrupting her alone time with another guy by stalking/watching from sidelines before draping his Member’s Only jacket over his arm and intruding only to be shut down!


Ali is sick so she ends the date early and doesn’t give out the rose. The producer pulls her aside.
Producer: Listen lady! I don’t know who you think you are, waltzing in here and changing all the rules that CH worked so hard to establish at the beginning of the show but this is the second date you’ve ended early without giving out a rose or sending anyone home! Let’s create some drama. And your sniffly nose and smokers voice aren’t cutting it. If you don’t do something drastic soon, we’ll have to start planting crazy ideas in these foolish boys’ heads. Now, where is that nut job Kasey?”


Kirk walks Ali back to her room. She asks him to sing to her like Kasey did. Kirk thinks that is stupid so he just makes out with her instead. Jonathon gets jealous and starts crying to the camera again. Kirk has to blow out the candles when he leaves Ali’s room because the ABC intern has had enough of Ali’s shenanigans and has left for the night.


The next day, Ali plays her diva card once again and cancels her one on one date with Chris L. because she’s sick. But she invites him up to her room for a little snot swap instead. She opens the door to him and says, “Happy birthday! Here, I got you the flu!” They drink tea and talk about his dead mom again.


Meanwhile, Kasey goes missing. The camera shows him sneaking off to get a tattoo of Ali’s name. Ok, it’s just a tattoo of a heart with a rose and a shield. Still just as cheesy!


Ali magically feels better and she and Chris L. go out to get hammered and talk more about the dead mom. Did you know she’s like the nicest lady? They call Chris L.’s dad. He sounds like Charlie Brown’s dad. Actually, all the adults on Snoppy- “Mawh, mawh, mawh, ma.”


Kasey returns from tattoo parlor and tells the guys he burned his arm and was at the hospital. Rated-R sees right thru him and goes on record telling us he thinks Kasey is a fibber. Why no one else asked what he burned his arm on is a little strange to me. Was it a curling iron? Taking cookies out of the oven? A hot pipe on a lawn mower?


Back on the date, Ali gives Chris L. the rose. If she didn’t, the producers were going to send HER home in the reject limo.


Finally- the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party! The guys are all sitting on one couch ragging on Kasey and Rate-R. I’m so bored! I fast forward and these are the only other notes I took:
 Kirk and Ali kiss again.
 Jonathon plays guitar and sings for her.
 Rated-R has a convo with guy we’ve only seen twice about Kasey being fake. Guy we’ve only seen twice speaks for the first time in agreement with the wrestler about Kasey.
 Kasey starts sweating profusely while Rated-R grills him about his burn. Kasey admits to guys he got a tattoo and shows it to everyone. Then he needs a towel to dry the sweat out of his soaping wet hair so he can go show Ali how nuts he is. I mean show Ali his tattoo. But Frank steals Ali away before Kasey can reveal the tattoo. And then, blessedly, CH arrives banging his glass of vodka to make Ali finally make some decisions about these losers.


Chris L. already has a rose. The rest of the roses go to Kirk, Frank, Craig, Chris N. (huh?), Roberto, Justin, Ty, and Kasey. Going home are Jonathon and Jesse. I think when Jesse told her good bye and asked why he was leaving I heard her whisper in his ear that he didn’t own enough denim for her. I could be wrong.


Anyway, that’s it till next week. Do you think Kasey will show his true colors and his dorky tattoo? What’s Kirk’s big secret? Will any of the guys wash away in the hot lava from the volcano? See ya next week to find out!

Ali Episode 3 recap

The show opens up with all the guys sitting around the bachelor pad wearing Gap V-neck t-shirts in different colors and terrible bed head. CH explains the dates this week: 1 group date, 2 individual dates, roses on each date, one on one dates need to get a rose or they go home, and not everyone will go on a date this week. Basically the same rules as last week.


CH leaves the first date card and books it out of there. First date is a one on one date for Roberto: “Love is a balancing act.”


John C. cries that he’s not been on a date at all while Roberto packs his bags and I check my notes from previous weeks to see who this John C. guy is. There is nothing. I’m guessing he is a cameraman?


Ali comes to the mansion to pick up Roberto wearing an ill-fitting shirt that hangs off one shoulder to reveal her purple wide strapped Playtex 18-hour bra. While walking to the door, she’s extra bouncy to make sure her hair extensions ponytail bobs up and down and side to side.


A helicopter lands to whisk the couple away. Roberto continues to clutch his Corona Light even though it’s only 8:00 a.m.


Once in the helicopter, Ali admits she is afraid to fly since Jake is not the pilot. Roberto kisses and pets her fears away to calm her down.


The helicopter lands on a roof of a tall building. There are zip lines off the side of the building. This looks familiar. Didn’t Jillian and Ed have this same date?


Meanwhile, back at the house, the guys are all crying about not being with Ali. Rated-R blames his cast for not having any time with her.


Roberto and Ali are now harnessed up and ready to tightrope walk across the street, 20 stories up in the air. I couldn’t watch- it made me feel sick. I can hear Ali’s voice though: “I was really nervous. Something could really go wrong. Like what if the 9 thousands cables holding us break?”


Roberto stops half way across to kiss her. She thinks it’s super romantic. I think it’s super cheesy and scary.


Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives. Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Jonathon, Craig who no longer needs a last initial, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. : “Come rock my world.”


While all this has been going on, Roberto and Ali have changed clothes for dinner. Ali put her dress on backwards but who cares? She’s too impressed with the 100 languages Roberto speaks to care what she looks like.


She tells the camera that she doesn’t like to be stiff at a table so she makes the ABC intern lay 3000 pillows on the roof top for her and Roberto to get stiff laying down on. Ali gives Roberto the rose. Afterall, he already took her cherry while under the blankets on the roof.


Group date: the guys take a limo that drops them off in the middle of nowhere. Ali is standing there wearing tight jeans, a wife beater tank top, and white spike high heels- she stole the whole outfit from Janet Wood’s (aka Joyce DeWitt) old dressing room on the Hollywood sound stange they later visit.
The Barenaked Ladies are there to perform. I like this band. What are they doing on this show? While BNL play their new song, Frank rubs the Weatherman’s shoulders and Ali “dances.” She’s terrible. I’m sure she will be on Dancing With The Stars next season.


The guys and Ali are making the music video for BNL’s new song. They each get their script and the Weatherman immediately begins to freak out because he has to kiss Ali in his scene. He starts to sweat and eventually chickens out and doesn’t kiss Ali. Then he cries. Ali feels sorry for him so she kisses him in the next take.


Frank and Ali’s scene’s script got switched with that of a porno. Then Ali makes out like a slut with the rest of the guys. They all get jealous of each other. Apparently they all forgot what show they are on.


At the wrap party, Ali pulls Chris L. aside first to ask him about the tattoo of his mom’s signature. He finally tells her his mom died but leaves it at that.


The Weatherman steals Ali away to explain why he’s wearing Michael Jackson’s Thriller jacket. Then he awkwardly whispers in her ear that he wants to go away and have a real first kiss. Ali laughs hysterically. When Jonathon doesn’t crack a smile she realizes he was being serious. Luckily for her, Craig steals her away before she has to answer.


Back at the house, the last date card arrives. Hunter: “Home is where the heart is…”


Steve is frustrated because the clock is ticking and he’s not getting anywhere with her. That and his perm is almost done processing.


On the group date, Ali and Kirk get in the hot tub together. The other guys get jealous. Kirk kisses her again in the hot tub (which Ali was surprised by the fact that the HOT tub was warm water). All the guys jump in the hot tub except for Justin because he can’t get his cast wet (how does he shower?). Ali gives Kirk the rose. They all watch the music video.


The next day, Justin leaves the house to stalk Ali. He hobbles down the highway on crutches to get to her house. Ali likes that he did it. But after hugging him, she sends him back on the road to limp home. Just kidding- they go inside and look at pictures of Justin’s family. Ali drives Justin back and gives him a hug. Justin doesn’t tell the guys what he did. Where did they think he was for those 5 hours?


Ali picks Hunter up for their date and drives him back to her place. He doesn’t wear his seatbelt correctly.


Hunter mans the grill and cooks enough food for the whole film crew. He tells Ali he wants to be a stay at home husband. They drink Coke without any ice with their burgers. Does Hunter not drink? They never drink together, which is probably why she isn’t all over him. The whole date is so uncomfortable to watch. I feel like I need a drink to get through watching it!


Hunter doesn’t get the rose.
Hunter: Is there anything I can do to change your mind?
Ali: Well I’d tell you to chug a couple of beers and loosen up but if you don’t want to do that I respect that choice. But at least allow me some alcohol please!


Hunter leaves in the reject taxi van, Ali goes in the house and pulls out the bottle of vodka. I go to the kitchen and grab a glass of wine. There are still over 30 minutes left- I need it! And I’ve made it this far. I deserve it.


Finally the pre rose ceremony cocktail party arrives. And so does Ali wearing a wedding dress. Most of the guys have on jeans. In fact, Jesse is dressed head to toe in denim.


Ali talks to Chris L. about lobster and some game called flip flop. I’m sure I’m the only one who doesn’t know what it is but it sounds like something I would like. I also like Chris L. My prediction at this point is that he will go far. Maybe the final one?


Steve steals a bunch of candles and a blanket from the house and makes a picnic outside. Ali tells him he can always win her over with champagne (I knew it Hunter!). However, Steve can’t open the bottle.


The rest of the guys stand around talking about how much they hate Justin. I really don’t see why he’s such a jerk. What am I missing? He’s not my favorite but he’s no Vienna.


Ali tells Roberto that Justin came to her house. Roberto tells the rest of the guys. They confront Justin. He doesn’t deny it and they all hate him more for it. Justin goes outside to cry.


Finally! CH comes in to steal Ali away to the room of pictures and for her to make her decision.


Roberto and Kirk already have roses. The other 94 go to Chris L., Jesse, Chris N. (I’ve never seen this character before), Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, Jonathon (WTF?!?!), and Justin. So Hunter, John C., and Steve all went home this week.


What do you all think of this week’s episode? Does 2 hours suddenly feel a lot longer to each of you while watching this show? Do you think Chris L. and John C. will catch that mouse? Or will ABC do a spin off series with them called “Mouse Catchers International”? Until next week…

Ali Episode 2 recap

In preparation of tonight’s episode, I decided to drink 10 beers. I figured all the guys are hammered and seem to be having fun, maybe that’s what I need to do to enjoy this monstrosity more. Let me tell you- it didn’t help.


Tonight’s show starts with CH welcoming the guys to the bachelor pad. They are all drinking OJ out of champagne glasses. CH explains there will be 1 group date this week and 2 individual dates. Roses are given on every date and if you get one you are safe. On the 1 on 1 dates, if you don’t get a rose, you go home. Not everyone will be going on a date this week. Blah blah blah.


The first date is a one on one date with Frank. He wore glasses last week at the rose ceremony and when the film crew visited his hometown before the show started. The producers told him he needed a new look and got him some contacts apparently because his glasses are gone now.


The camera shows Ali getting ready for her date with Frank. Apparently all she needs to do is braid those pesky hair extensions and she’s all set!


Frank puts his Clark Kent glasses back on for their date. And what is their date? Ali drives a big old car along the highway until it “runs out of gas/breaks down.” Then the two abandon the car and take off on foot till they come across a taxi waiting for them 50 feet down the road. The taxi takes them to Hollywood. Clark Kent passes the first test of “what would he do if the car breaks down?” with flying colors and Ali is smitten.


Back at the bachelor pad we see that all the guys still hate Rated- R Justin (the WWE guy with the broken foot).


Ali and Frank meanwhile are slipping and sliding down the hill with the Hollywood sign. Frank decides he needs to turn back into Superman to keep Ali from breaking her foot and he takes off his glasses again so he can sit and tell her about quitting his job to be a screenwriter. While he works at the mall and lives in his parents’ basement. Ali thinks being the manager at Banana Republic sounds like a cool job and she gives Frank the first kiss under the Hollywood sign.


While all this was going on, the ABC intern fixed the car and brings it back to Ali. Ali drives CK to the rest of their date: the Peach Pit After Dark! Just kidding. They go to makeout hill and drink the wine he stole from his parents’ liquor cabinet that he smuggled out of the house in a suitcase circa 1984. Somewhere along the line Ali also found Danny Zuko’s black leather jacket and put it on.


Back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s a group date for Jonathon, Ty, Chris H., Kirk, Hunter, Steve, Craig R., Chris N., Kasey, Justin, and Craig M. “Picture Us Together.” Craig M. gets pissed about how many tattoos Jesse has and Ty has to take him away from a fistfight over it. I guess Craig M. is “dangerous.”


Back on the date, Ali decides she is “crazy” about Frank and wants to let him know that so she gives him the rose. He accepts. He smells it like a drug while she goes on about how great he is.


Group date finally begins and it is a beach house in Malibu for a photoshoot. Ali wears her hair in dread locks since it worked for Crystal Bowersox. Poor Justin has to hop around beach/sand on crutches. The photoshoot has the guys all put on banana hammocks for a calendar. Justin cries when he sees his speedo. Ty sings to Ali while playing the guitar. I liked him last week??? Really? Cheesy!!! I kept praying he didn’t bust out “Love Don’t Come Easy.” Thankfully he didn’t.


After the photoshoot, Ali takes them to a cocktail/wrap party.
Ali: “Thanks for doing this today guys. We should all feel really good because of what we did today because it was for a really good cause.” Um, ok. Charity! Got it! But what charity? Did she ever say?


Ty pulls Ali aside and tells her he’s been divorced. She stares at him with unblinking death eyes. Ali: “I want to be the ONLY one Ty! How could you have been with someone else before me?!?!”


Justin the weatherman is wearing a white Don Johnson jacket and has a real hard on for Craig M. He even compares the guy to a category 6 hurricane. He decides to interrupt Ty and Ali to warn her that the hurricane is coming! Ali gives him the friend hug after giving him the crazy “my eyes can’t open any bigger without blinking” eyes while he tells her about Craig M.


Group date rose goes to Ty. Guess she didn’t care he was divorced afterall.


Back at the house, the last date card arrives to tell us the one on one goes to Jesse and Ali. The date card reads, “Use these when the time is right.” There is a box of cufflinks. Jesse reminds us that he doesn’t know what cufflinks are because the first suit he bought/wore is the one he bought for this show.


Ali has something special planned for her date with Jesse- a private jet to Vegas! Jake’s the pilot so even though Ali hates to fly, she’s not nervous. She knows she’s on the Wings of Love!


Jesse and Ali swim in a pool then go to dinner. She tells him she loves his tie. It’s plain black. Honestly, the most boring tie ever! The paid wait staff have the same ties. That was about the most exciting thing on the date. Zzzzzz!


Ali gives Jesse the rose, takes her hair down out of the bun, takes her shoes off, and they go dancing. Thankfully the date is over!


At the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Ali gets some more alone time with Chris L. I like him. He seems normal. What is he doing on this show? Why has he still not told her about his dead mom making him come on the show? Why is he wearing jeans with a suit coat?


At this point I decided I want to be the Bachelorette. No matter what you look like, ABC drugs the guys into thinking you are the hottest thing ever. They also give you lots of free booze to drink while accepting the unwarranted compliments. And a cool new wardrobe!


I also questioned my belief from last week that Kasey has a cool accent. Is he hearing impaired? Speech impediment? Really- does anyone know? And why did he take his shoes off while talking to Ali?


Ali and Roberto play baseball. He’s wearing jeans too. Did the ABC intern send a memo to the guys about the dress code for tonight? Did he feel bad that Jesse only has one suit so he asked the other guys to help him out and wear jeans too?


Ali pulls the weatherman aside. He performs a SNL skit for her that goes something like this:
Jonathon: “I thought about you yesterday.”
Ali: (giggle) “Just a little?”
Jonathon: “Yeah actually- just a little. The rest of the time I was thinking about…..” (dramatic pause) “Do you want to know?”
Ali: “Was it the weather? Is it gonna rain?”
Jonthon: “No. Not the weather. Look, I want to tell you but I don’t want to be a tattletale. So before I cry to you about the bully, I want you to beg me to tell you about him.”
Ali: “This isn’t about me. It’s getting old. Just tell me who you have a man crush on.”
Jonathon: (sniffling) “Yesterday Craig M. wore my favorite Don Johnson jacket and got cooties on it. What should I do? How do I get his germs off?”
Ali has fallen asleep she’s so bored with this. Wait- maybe that was me who fell asleep from boredom.


Ali pulls Craig M. aside and begs him to pay more attention to her. Camera shows 2 guys we have never seen before (cameramen maybe? Interns? Producers?) discussing Craig M. and what a douch bag he is. Craig M. gives Ali some BS answer that she seems to buy and like. Where the hell is CH when you need him? I am ready to get this rose ceremony going!


Craig M. goes back to the guys and demands to be told who told Ali he’s dangerous. Crickets chirp. The weatherman and Craig M.’s hard ons for each other couldn’t get any bigger. I didn’t know if they were going to punch each other or kiss! Before they do either, CH comes in banging his champagne glass of doom and pulls Ali away to look at the pictures of all the guys. After holding the frame of each guy, she has made her decision.


Frank, Ty, and Jesse already have roses. The other 35 roses go to Kasey, Hunter, Roberto, Chris L., Justin, Steve, Kirk, John C., Craig R., Chris N., and Jonathon.


Going home is Craig M. (crazy guy- crazy for the weatherman that is!), Tyler V. (welt on his forehead), and someone else they didn’t even show or mention.


Did you notice how Ali stared into each rose before saying the names like they held the secret to the universe? Or does the ABC intern write the names on the inside of the roses so Ali doesn’t mess up a la Jesse Palmer?


Well that’s it- another 2 hours of my life I will never get back. Until next week….

Ali Episode 1 recap

Episode 1 gets going right away with a quick recap of Ali on Jake’s season of the Bachelor. We hear Ali’s voice over (while walking around San Francisco with her bra strap showing while big 80’s sweater falls off her shoulder a la Flashdance) tell us she’s ready to put love first.


Next, ABC shows us a video montage of Ali getting ready to be the next Bachelorette: shopping, trying on dresses, jogging, playing soccer, drinking coffee, walking on beach, looking pensive out the window (that face was either pensive or someone let a stinky), playing in ocean in a yellow dress without a bra. You know- all the things a good Bachelorette should be doing. I wondered why they never show the contestant sitting around the house in sweats, watching tv and drinking a beer. Because I’m sure that is something they all do too, right?


CH is in the Bachelorette pad and introduces us to the bachelors back in their home towns. This is filler because we get to meet them all again when they get out of the limo 3 minutes later. This is what I wrote down about each guy as I met them (via CH via hometown videos):


Frank- is 31 years old and lives at home with his parents. He wears glasses.
Jay- works in his dad’s law firm and is Kevin Nealon’s stand in on SNL.
Craig from Canada- he’s all aboot gelling his hair.
Kyle- outdoorsman. What the hell is that? Is it a profession? Sounds like a new member of the Village People.
Justin- beats the shit out of people for a living. Reminds me of a character from a Ben Stiller movie. He’s also a momma’s boy, a grandma’s boy and has a broken foot.
Phil- his brother just died so he decided to go on The Bachelorette. Still trying to figure out how those two are related to each other but there has to a connection somewhere/somehow because next up we get:
Chris L.- moved back home to take care of his sick mom before she died. Her death made him decide to go on the Bachelorette.
Jonathon- weatherman. Total dork!
Ty- I liked him. First impression of him is that he will go far. He’s divorced and loves his dog.
Derrick- looks at himself in the mirror and says, “You’re amazing!” Who says that? Dork!


Next, CH reintroduces us to Ali. She comes to the mansion and steps out of the limo. Most girls who get choosen to be the Bachelorette loose a ton of weight before the show begins. Not that Ali needed to. But she looks like she gained weight. That or else she was just hiding all the dumb prop gifts the guys give her in dress. Oh and her hair is way too long now. Ali talks to CH about how she gave up her job and apartment for this show. She wants ot find love because she needs someone to take care of her now since she has no money and is homeless. I can’t stand her already. Oh and it only gets worse.


The guys arrive and get out of the limo. I felt like I already met these guys. Oh that’s right, I did. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the few that stood out (for good or bad) as they met Ali for the first time.


Frank- he’s the guy who quit his job and lives with his parents and is trying to become a playwrite. He got out of the limo by climbing out the sunroof.
Justin- he’s the guy with the broken ankle but he won’t tell Ali how he did it till she finds him in the house. Who does he remind me of? It’s starting to drive me crazy.
Jay- gets out of the limo and rushes right past Ali because Kevin Nealon needs his gray suit back and Maks from DWTS needs his gray patent leather shoes back.
Chris H. (not to be confused with the actual Chris Harrison)- gives Ali a rose and tells her he’s the 9th Chris already this season because the producers wanted to fuck with her and find as many guys with the same name as possible.
Craig- he’s the 20th Craig and his goofy hair reminds me of Sean Penn. He greeted Ali by saying, “I’m so glad you are not Vienna.” SO AM I! As much as Ali bugs me, I don’t think I could even watch Vienna for a whole season!


At this point I noticed that after meeting each guy, Ali would say, “See you inside.” Then she’s purse her lips in some weird smile and hunch her shoulders while she watched them walk into the house. All while clutching her dress like my 5 year old daughter did at her preschool graduation.


John C.- proposed with a CZ ring. This is when I started to wonder what she does with this crap all these guys give her? Does Chris Harrison come and hold it for her? Does the ABC intern put it in a shoebox marked, “Bachelorette Season Ali” for her to take home as a parting gift at the end? Does she shove it down the back of her dress to make the junk in her truck a little bigger?
Jonathon- weatherman- looked like Jake when he got out of the limo.


Here is when I noticed there are a lot of guys this season named Craig, Chris, John, Tyler, and Derrek. So I went to ABC’s web site and did a little research. Here is what I found out: there are 3 Chrises (not counting CH), 2 Craigs, 2 Derekes, 3 Johns, and 3 Tylers. Wow! That seems like a lot of repeating names.


Hunter- he’ll go far. After he pees that is.
Derek- he’s from a SNL skit. He has no neck and his hair needs to be washed. He also threw leaves on Ali.
Phil- gave her crazy stalker eyes.
Jason- drunk? No, he just got out of the limo on the wrong side so he could climb over the limo and do a flip off of it.


Once inside the mansion with all the guys, we find out a little more about each of the men:
Kirk- he made a scrapbook for Ali. After giving it to Ali, he had to go to the bathroom and change his tampon.
Hunter- wrote and sang a cute song on the ukulele for Ali. I think I like him too.
One of the Derrick’s said his nickname was Shooter. He pulled her aside to explain why. Apparently he is a premature ejaculator. But before he could finish explaining this, he shot his wad all over her.


The rest of the cocktail party was pretty boring. Ali tip toed around the house with her shoulder all hunched up and clutched her dress the whole night. She looked so uncomfortable! I was beginning to get uncomfortable too. Good thing I had this on DVR and I could fast forwarded through most of the nonsense!


Craig L.- gave her a mini shoe keychain…. What was the significance of that? Oh and it was yellow- she went nuts over that fact! Apparently yellow is her favorite color. You know, because all 30 year olds have a favorite color????


CH comes in the cocktail party with his twist of “Who’s Not Here For The Right Reasons? Box.” I stopped caring 62 minutes ago. He also had the first impression rose. Ali gave the 1st impression rose to Roberto and his eyebrows. The guys fight over who isn’t there for the right reasons. You know, because they’ve known each other for 5 minutes longer than Ali has known each of them so they’d know. The guy with the most votes in CH’s box was Justin. Or R-Rated. He was the entertainment wrestler with the broken foot. The guys thought that because he’s a fake wrestler he’s fake with Ali too? Or maybe that the mostly girl audience who watches this train wreck of a show will see him on here and start watching WWE? Either way, Ali decided to keep him and gave him a rose too.


Finally, the rose ceremony begins. Roberto and Justin already had roses. The rest of the roses went to:
Jesse (he gave her the heart necklace he made with his jigsaw)
Ty (divorced guy)
Craig R.- I got nothing
Tyler B.- no clue
Frank (glasses, Paris playwrite wannabe)
Steve (curly hair)
Chris L.- nada
Kirk
John C.
Chris N.
Chris H.
Hunter (ukulele)
Craig M. (hair from 1950s)
Jonathon (weatherman)
Kasey (cute accent- where is he from? Seemed very nice and normal)


So why did she pass out 17 roses? Wasn’t CH counting? Was the ABC intern trying to mess with Ali? Or with us? Why couldn’t she have kept Kyle around another week so we could all find out what the profession of “outdoorsman” really is? What did you think of the show? The guys? Ali? Please tell me not all episodes are going to be 2 hours. See you back here next week. I promise to have the recap up sooner next week. This has just been a crazy week so far. Until then…

Jason and Molly's Wedding

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the show and tells us this is going to be “a fairy tale event that America has been waiting for.” Um, I sure haven’t been holding my breath. Maybe he should have said “Bachelor fans have been waiting for” because I’m pretty sure no one else even knew about it or cared about this wedding. I’m starting to question my own caring of it. But that is neither here nor there. Moving on…


The production crew invades Jason’s and Molly’s house to get some footage of where they’ve been since their season ended a year ago. This was shot two weeks ago so it’s really where they’ve been since mid Feb. 2010. Again, that’s neither here nor there. Molly needs to show America that she can be a good step mom to Ty so she asks him to help her bake.


Molly: “Ty! You wanna help me make some brownies? You can have some salmonella too. Just dig right into that raw dough and eat those raw eggs!”


Anyone else notice this is the last time we see Ty on camera? I’m guessing that kid got the worst case of food poisoning ever.


Next, we get a recap of Jason and Molly’s “journey” on the show and what happened after the final rose a year ago. I have to pause here to ask, do we really need to see this? Do you think anyone who didn’t watch the show or at least the ATFR last year is watching this wedding? I think not! Moving on….


So ABC shows Jason breaking up with Melissa on national TV. Molly starts talking about how people and tabloids started to trash them after that and how that was so unfair because Jason is so sweet, he would never hurt a fly!


Molly: “Jason would never hurt a soul. Well except for Melissa. On national TV in front of millions. But other than that, he’s as sweet and nice as can be!”


Next up is the “Where Are They Now?” segment of the show that ABC always parades out for us.


Jake and Vienna are still together and extremely in love. In fact, they are still on the Wings Of Love. However, the 5 minute video montage we got of them cooking dinner together was very awkward. They did not look comfortable together at all! In fact, they even looked red eyed like they’d been crying or fighting before the film crew showed up. Hmm…. Foreshadowing?


Ed and Jillian are still together too. Although, Ed looks like he is so over the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette thing. The whole night he looked as though he would rather be anywhere else. Not that I blame him. Just sayin’.


Sara and Charlie broke up for a year but got back together. When we’ve seen this piece done before, Charlie admits it’s because he liked the drugs and alcohol more than he liked Sara but he’s back on the wagon. Since that wasn’t brought up last night I’m assuming he’s no longer sober???


Oh and did you know that Trista and Ryan are still together and so much in love? Her squeaky voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me! And I think she is pissed that another Bachelor couple is getting married. She liked being the only ones they had to drag out as the poster child of the show.


They show the couple playing in the snow with their two children, Max, age 2 and a little girl whose name I don’t even think was mentioned, age 1. Apparently Trista likes Max better than their daughter because she wishes Jason and Molly lots of happiness in their marriage and hopes they have a little Max of their own some day.


Ryan is holding Max on his lap (again, the daughter is no where to been seen and not even mentioned) and is trying to get him to wish Jason and Molly (who I am sure this kid has never even met) good luck.


Ryan: “Max, say good luck!”


Max flips the camera the bird and we move on.


So back to the present and CH is asking us “How do you plan a celebrity wedding?”
Me: “Well first, you need actual celebrities Chris!”


ABC rolls out the wedding planner and hair stylist and dress designer and everyone else involved that I doubt anyone has ever heard of. But Molly apparently has been dreaming of this dream team since she was a little girl.


Molly: “It’s a dream come true to have blah-blah* design my wedding dress.”
*never heard of her and couldn’t even remember her name after Molly said it.


As a side note, I saw in a magazine that her dress cost $45 K! I realized she didn’t pay for that but really? You could buy a house (in this market) for that kind of money!!!!


Next we get to see Jason’s and Molly’s ABC sponsored bachelor and bachelorette parties. The real parties took place some other weekend without cameras. Because these parties were so lame, I sure hope these weren’t the only ones. Boring!


Jason walks into a suite at a hotel for his party and announces that he’s never been in a room like this before. Um, weren’t you on the Bachelor? Wasn’t every single fantasy suite date in a room just like this? Yeah, that’s what I thought- lair!


Molly got some G rated stripper lessons.


At the end of the night, these two losers ditch their friends to meet up outside some Vegas hotel and talk about how much they missed each other. Neither one even looked or sounded drunk while reciting from the script ABC gave them. I think this was filmed the next night. This couldn’t have really been the same night, right?


The night of the rehearsal dinner, Molly and Jason’s sister-in-law (aka, Molly’s new BFF) sit down to discuss what she’s wearing.
Molly: “What are you wearing tonight?”
S-I-L: “Well I could just put it on and show you or I could pull it up on line and do a plug in for Macy’s.”


The rehearsal dinner starts and I say out loud to my TV: “Where is Ty?” Remember, we haven’t seen him since he ate the raw brownie batter.


Apparently, Jason hears me because the next day, he decides to have an awkward sit down with his father and answer my question.


Jason: “So Dad, you know how Ty’s mother and myself have decided to not let Ty be on camera anymore and just have him be a normal 5 year old boy, right?”
Dad: “Yes, of course. You told me this right after the bitch called you and told you she wouldn’t let him be on tv anymore because she’s jealous you are getting remarried and that ABC is footing the bill for your billion dollar wedding. Why are you telling me again like I didn’t already know?”
Jason: “Well Dad, the producers think the viewers will be wondering where he is so we need to let them know. I’m gonna tell you again. Just act normal.”
Dad: “Why don’t you just play the recorded phone call from your ex and let it explain it for itself?”
Jason: “Come on Dad! We’ve been over this. We can’t do it that way. OK?”
Dad: “OK.”


Next we see Jason and Molly getting ready. The wedding planner brings Jason his boutiner with a note from Molly that apparently reads, “Jason, I never realized you had girl parts. Quit crying over a simple note that says I love you. Love, Molly.”


The wedding guests are arriving and apparently they all have to/get to talk to CH before finding a wet seat to sit down in.


Why were Charlie and Sara there? Do either of them even know Jason or Molly? I’m guessing not.


Trista and Ryan showed up. Ryan was mute because I don’t think he said anything. And was Trista wearing a mu-mu? Her baggy dress and ponytail made her look like a maid at the hotel.


The wedding itself was your typical boring wedding. A few things I did note during the wedding:
 Molly did look gorgeous! I loved her hair and make up. BEAUTIFUL!
 Why were there 3000 doves released? Where did they come from? They couldn’t all have possibly come from those two tiny boxes the moms opened, right?
 That damn wind! Molly’s hair was so perfect and the wind messed it all up! And so did the rain. How was she not pissed about this? I guess I can see how she didn’t care so much. She probably had someone waiting inside to fix it for her again after the ceremony but how pissed would you have been to be a guest at that wedding?


So that’s it… no Melissa. No fights between DeAnna and Jesse. This was the most vanilla episode of the Bachelor. Tune in next week to get the behind the scenes look at the show on 20/20. My guess is it will be kinda like the Women Tell All specials- basically we won’t learn a thing. But you can bet your final rose that I’ll be watching! Until then…