Show opens with CH: “Welcome to this episode of the Women Tell Nothing! I am your host, the jerk, Chris Harrison.”
It was the most boring 2 hours of the whole season! I wasn’t even going to recap the show because honestly, the only three things that surprised me by the 2 hours shown last night were:
1.) Crazy Michelle seemed to be pretty “normal.”
2.) Chris Harrison can be a huge ass hole.
3.) Ali was not “officially” announced as the next Bachelorette.
Right off the bat, CH is telling us how this season of The Bachelor has drawn in more viewers than any other season! Really? More people want to watch this home slice dance like a fool with a bunch of girls? Chris must have given us this bit of info a few more times in the show. I’m not sure how this would boost ratings even more or if that is even what they were trying to do. Maybe they were just bragging. Or asking us if we were as surprised by that news as they were.
Anyway, they show a video of CH and Jake sitting down to talk about each of the girls. Who do they discuss first? Why Rozlyn of course!
CH: “That was a crazy night! We were flying by the seat of our pants. We were making it up as we went along. We were not following a script!”
Next they discuss cocktease Elizabeth. Jake tells Chris that he has friends whose 1st kiss was at their wedding. Um, really? I suppose I could believe it if people said they decided to wait to do the dirty deed till they were married, but kissing? Really? Come on!
They also showed Jake’s first date with Vienna and how he peed his pants then screamed and cried like a little girl while jumping with her.
Replayed the first kiss between Tenely and Jake with the fortune cookies. And they replayed Ali leaving.
Why were those the only girls? What about Gia?
Next, CH talks about a new phenomenon happening called The Bachelor: Cast Reunions. For a minute I thought he was going to talk about the new show Bachelor Pad but instead we got to see past contestants sexing it up with other previous rejects in Vegas.
CH brought up once again at this point that viewship is up….
Then they showed us The Bachelor Gives Back which they stole from American Idol. Basically the only thing interesting I found from this segment was DeAnna getting shot down by an 8 year old little boy.
Finally, we get to see something from this season! The girls are brought out and they show us some outtakes from the show. The funniest thing from that was Gia saying (about Tenely): “She shits rainbows!”
And again, CH brings up Rozlyn: “Let’s talk about Rozlyn.”
The girls say how they saw all this stuff happening in the house between her and the producer.
Jesse: “Well this is the first time I’m saying anything because just 10 minutes ago was the first time I was told I saw this, but I saw Rozlyn and the producer making out in the hallway! I swear I’m not making this up to get more time on tv. I swear on my dog!”
Gia is invited up to the hot seat wearing the tightest, shortest, purplest, glittery-est dress ever. She actually impressed me by answering coherently and nicely.
Next up in the hot seat is crazy eyes Michelle. And I have to say- she surprised the hell out of me! She actually seemed normal! And smart! She admits that this show is not a way to find love and that what they show on tv is not real. It’s not necessarily what really happens. I take back all the nut case comments I made about her earlier.
However, Ali is personally insulted by Michelle’s comments!
Ali: “Michelle, for you to say this show isn’t a way to find love, I personally take offense. I’m gonna be the next Bachelorette and I better find love or I’m coming after you!”
So Ali is next in the hot seat. I’m already so over this girl.
CH: “You made the choice. You choose your job over Jake. Why?”
You really need to ask that Chris?
Before Ali went up to the hot seat, the producers pulled her aside and told her how it was all gonna go down…
Producer: “Ok Ali, so this is how it will happen. Chris will call you up to the stage. We’ll show clips of what a bad crier you are, how sad you were to leave, how cute you are, and of how bitchy you are.”
Ali: “Wait- don’t show the clips of me being a bitch! I want America to love me, not hate me. Let’s not remind me them of how awful I can be.”
Producer: “Ali, we need to show them that so you can apologize and seem genuine again.”
Ali: “Why?”
Producer: “Because then Chris will ask you if you’d do it differently if you had the chance. We need to set you up as the next Bachelorette without you looking like a bitch or looking crazy for walking away from your job when you wouldn’t do it earlier for Jake.”
So while Ali is on stage with CH, she does her damage control by apologizing to Vienna for being so hard on her because ABC can’t have a bitchy bachelorette! She also says, “Our lives are measured by the risks we take.” What does that even mean? Who measures their life? By risks? Who even remembers all their risks?
So CH asks Ali about 100 times if she’d do things differently next time. Would she choose love over her job? What did you learn? Can’t you read between the lines girl? ABC is asking you to be the next Bachelorette. The ABC intern has even drafted a resignation letter for Facebook for her!
Finally, Rozlyn is up! Why wasn’t she out there with all the other girls the whole time? I do not claim to know anything about what really happened. I don’t have any inside info. Just a few things I wondered….
1.) I’m sure something had to have happened. Otherwise they would not fire a producer. Kick a contestant off the show? Sure. But to fire a staff member with nothing to back it up? I don’t think they would do that or else there would be looking at a lawsuit.
2.) There have got to be cameras rolling just about 24/7 there. I know CH said not necessarily but if they suspected something, wouldn’t they always have a cameraman ready to catch them in the act. And don’t you think there have to be hidden cameras all over the place? I find it hard to believe that this happened but they have NO proof of it. Their “case” would never hold up in a court of law. Right?
3.) Let’s play devil’s advocate here and say Rozlyn was guilty as sin. Did CH have to be so mean to her? I really lost some respect for the guy. He was a huge jerk! Why?
I actually kept waiting for CH to pull up footage of the “inappropriate relations.” 1.) because I was dying to know what the “term” even means and 2.) because the way he kept asking her out right to deny it I thought for sure he had caught her in a lie.
CH: “So you’re telling me nothing physical happened?”
Roz: “No.”
CH: “You’re saying that nothing happened in the house?”
Roz: “That’s right.”
I thought for sure next would be CH: “Then how do you explain this?!?” and for the intern to key footage of affair or something. But no, that never happened because they don’t have any footage.
CH was also full of back handed compliments for Rozlyn such as: “I don’t wish you anything but the best. That and hopefully you’ve learned how to be a better person.”
I actually felt sorry for her. And going back to Jesse’s comment earlier about catching her with the producer… why wouldn’t she have said anything till just now? I’m sure if she really saw anything, she would have rushed right out to the pool to the other girls and spilled her guts. Right?
For the last 5 minutes of the show, they actually bring out the Bachelor. And what was he wearing?!?!? A navy blue Hanes undershirt with a tuxedo jacket on top? I don’t even know what he said because the whole time he was on the stage I was filled with a strange mix of hatred and pity for him. He is such a dork! I can’t believe ABC picked him to be the Bachelor. I’m sure there were better men to choose from, right?
So that’s all I have. I know it’s a pretty boring column this week but I can only work with what I’m given. Next week is the finale. Who do you think will get the final rose? Vienna or Tenely? Do you think Jake actually proposes? Are they still together? Find out next week.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 7
Show opens up with 30 minutes of recaps from last week’s episode. Which is funny because the whole show last week could have been shown in just half an hour. Next, we get ½ hour of previews for tonight’s show. After watching the previews for 10 minutes, I finally fast forwarded to the beginning of the actual show (or so I thought). Jakes is walking around his hotel room in St. Lucia. They now are going to recap each of the remaining 3 girls’ “journey” up to this point. This takes another 30 minutes and I am finally excited because that means we only have about 30 minutes left to watch!
But what’s this? They are showing Ali back in San Francisco. She is not one of the remaining 3 women! Remember, they just showed last week’s 5 hour long departure! Ali tells us she’s gonna fight for Jake while sitting in a hotel room in San Fran. Why is she in a hotel room? Doesn’t she live there? Or does she live in a hotel? Wouldn’t that be cool? Someone to change your sheets each day and give you a fresh bar of soap!
Back in St. Lucia, Gia is getting the first windy date. We are talking hurricane strength winds! She runs up behind him to “surprise” him. He takes off his sunglasses and clips them to the back of his shirt (who does that?) and kisses Gia. Then he follows her up about a million steps. She ends up so far ahead of him because even though he has nice abs, he apparently gets winded easily. Once they reach the top of the hill, Jake points to a boat down in the water and tells Gia they are taking a ride in that.
Gia: “You dragged my ass all the way up here to tell me that? Why didn’t we just go get on the boat? It probably would have saved you the heart attack I’m afraid you are going to have on the way back down this mountain. Hurry up!”
After a wrong turn by driver Jake, the boat ends up in the slums of St. Lucia. The couple strolls along the street and listens to street people play music. Jake forgets he’s with Gia and thinks he’s with Tenely so he asks her to dance. They “dance” in the street. It was the most embarrassing thing to watch! Jake is the WORST dancer ever. It was so bad, I had to hide my eyes. The locals even laughed at him.
Local: “Silly white boy.”
Then Jake buys them both dorky 1990 bead necklaces from a street vendor. And he wears it! Gia realizes how uncool these necklaces became about 20 years ago but she doesn’t want to be mean so she puts it on her wrist and tells the camera “For the rest of my life, or at least until next week when we break up, I will wear this necklace on my wrist. Because that’s where I wear it. I also wear my heart on my sleeve.”
For the night portion of their date, some intern rescued the pair out of the ghetto of St. Lucia and took them to a posh hotel. Gia rummages thru my daughter’s dress up trunk and picks a jeweled headband to wear. Jake is very impressed with how she looks and tells the camera he loved her “sundress” (dress was NOT even close to a sundress).
They eat dinner on the beach with a HUGE sea shell on the dinner table. Jake brags about what a good guy he is.
Gia: “Tell me more about you!”
Jake: “I always put other before myself. I’m so awesome! I’m such a catch. Kiss me!”
They go to swing on a hammock and Jake pulls out the fantasy suite sex card from CH. Gia can’t wait to get to the room with Jake. They get into a bubble bath (see? Gia really is a little kid-> their date consisted of swinging and a bubble bath) and the ABC intern who has already earned his paycheck for the day by rescuing the pair off the streets now has to rummage around in their suitcases for their clothes. He lays them in a path to the tub for the cameraman to film.
Next up is Tenely. Who forgot to tell Jake they were still playing the game of “keep count of how many times I can bring up my ex and compare you to him.”
Jake runs up to Tenely, hugs her, kisses her, and twirls her around.
Jake: “Can you believe we’re here? St. Lucia!” (he asked Gia the EXACT same thing)
Jake tells her that since she showed him her passion of dancing, he will show her his passion of flying. I figured they would get in a small plane and he would be the pilot like he did with Ali. But no, it’s just another helicopter ride.
The duo plays a game of “golly gee” during a picnic lunch at a sugar plantation. Then they go swimming at a black sand beach. After taking off their shirts and shorts, the ABC intern has to hang them on rocks for the cameraman to get a good shot of.
The couple then heads to dinner at a hotel. The ex hubby mention count is up to 359 for the day. Tenely is worried about the date because she hasn’t given it up to anybody since guess who? That’s right- the ex. Nervous about the fantasy suite card, Tenely tells Jake she’s falling in love with him. So Jake asks her to dance. Please ABC- stop allowing this guy to dance! He’s so terrible! These two are the biggest dorks- they are perfect for each other. They slow dance like a couple of 7th graders and Tenely thinks it’s so romantic.
After the dance, Jake thinks it would be a good time to pull out the fantasy suite sex card.
Jake: “This came from Chris Harrison and I’m really excited about it. I’m really excited!” He gives her the card for her to read. Tenely accepts. You can hear Jake’s woody hit the table.
They head to the fantasy suite. I had to pause here to feel a little bit sorry for Gia. All she got was a tiny bubble bath. Tenely gets a whole big pool!
The ABC intern has the creepy intense music swell as Jake and Tenely get into the pool. Cut to commerical. Which means, nothing happened. This is Tenely we’re talking about here. I’m sure what we missed went something like this:
Tenely: “Tell me more about why you think you’d be a good husband,”
Jake: “I always think of others. I’d have your back no matter what.”
Tenely: “Those are good answers Jake. My ex husband never felt like that. And he cheated on me. It’s been hard for me. But I deserve love again. Now watch me dance for you and then you can peck me on my cheek.”
Vienna gets the last date. Which I’m sure she either paid the producers to get or beat the shit out of the intern so he’d pull some strings. They go to a pirate ship. (again, let’s pause- Gia got a tiny little row boat. Vienna gets a huge sailboat) Vienna tells the camera she’s never been in love before. Even though she’s been engaged once and married once. To 2 different men.
Vienna tells Jake he’d make a sexy pirate and gives him an eye patch to wear. The dumb ass puts it on and closes the wrong eye. So he decides to try to embarrass her by making her climb ropes to the boat’s crows nest. He’s forgotten that he is the one who is afraid of heights and as Vienna flies to the top, he’s left looking like a fool again being left behind.
This date is so cheesey. Jake dressing like a pirate with the scarf on his head and the eye patch. Then he makes Vienna “walk the plank.” At this point I threw up a little bit. In my stomach. To quote Ali.
For the evening portion of their date, Jake wears a turquoise silk shirt from 1992. They eat dinner in a gazebo and talk about how great they both are. We also learn that (surprise, surprise) the princess wants a princess cut stone for her ring with some extra bling.
After Jake reminds Vienna that there are 2 other girls he’s falling for too, Vienna tells him she loves him. He breaks out the fantasy suite sex card and hands it to Vienna.
Jake: “Why don’t you read it?”
I’m thinking he doesn’t know how to read since he has made each of the girls read it aloud to him.
Once in the fantasy suite, Vienna tells Jake she has a surprise for him. She puts on a white nighty. The intern keys the porno music and Jake and Vienna make out on the bed of rose petals till Vienna closes the door on the cameraman. She tells him it’s nothing personal but that if he’s gonna film what they are about to do, she needs to get paid.
Ok, so it’s only 9:13 and all we have left is the rose ceremony. It hits me that ABC is going to devote the last 45 minutes of this week’s episode to whiney Ali again! UG!
Producers tell Jake that there is going to be a “surprise” phone call. Jake questions what he should be doing before the phone rings.
Jake: “Should I rearrange the magazines on the coffee table again?”
Producer: “No, you did that last week. Why don’t you get in the shower?”
Jake: “I’m really starting to feel uncomfortable with that.”
Producer: “It’s sexy to watch a man get clean. The women in our viewing audience will love it!”
Jake: “How about if I just wash my face? I have lots of moisturizers and creams.”
Producer: “Fine.”
Jake is putting on his night mask when the phone rings. It’s Ali. She’s back to whine again and tells Jake she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. She’s decided that being employed is not as important as getting roses from a guy she barely knows.
During this whole convo, Jake holds the phone so far away from his head. He tells Ali not to come back. He’s over her! Well that was fast buddy!
Ali cries to the cameraman in San Francisco about how she made the wrong choice, it’s too late now, and how she’ll never find anyone like Jake ever again.
Hmmm….. Foreshadowing? Will Ali be the next Bachelorette? Magic 8 Ball says, “All signs point to yes!”
Jake finishes getting ready for the rose ceremony. He stands in front of the mirror buttoning and unbuttoning the top button on his shirt. Buttoned? Unbuttoned? Unbuttoned it is.
Thank God CH comes for a sit down to hash things out with Jakey! CH and Jake recap what we just saw with each of the girls. This is the THIRD time we’ve seen this footage tonight: once at the beginning of the show in the previews. Once while watching the show. And now again while watching the recap of the show. I guess they gotta fill the 2 hours with something!
CH: “Are you ready to send one girl home?”
Jake: “No! If I had to make that decision right now, I don’t know what I’d do.”
CH: “Well what did you think we’re doing here Jake? You do have to send one girl home now. Why else would I be here? I know you can’t possibly count to two by yourself. I’m sure these video messages each girl has left for you will help you make up your mind. I’ll be outside. Hurry up!”
Jake watches the video messages. Boring- blah, blah, blah.
Finally! The rose ceremony!
Roses go to Tenely and Vienna. Going how with a necklace on her wrist: Gia. And tons of sweat on her face! Man, give that girl a tissue! She had snot dripping out of her nose the whole time Jake was dumping her. Once again, another sign that Gia is really a little kid- someone needed to tell her to wipe her nose.
So that’s it- what did you think? Will next week’s Women Tell All tell us anything? Or just recap the boring season all over again? Who do you think Jake will choose in two weeks at the finale? Can’t wait! Until then….
But what’s this? They are showing Ali back in San Francisco. She is not one of the remaining 3 women! Remember, they just showed last week’s 5 hour long departure! Ali tells us she’s gonna fight for Jake while sitting in a hotel room in San Fran. Why is she in a hotel room? Doesn’t she live there? Or does she live in a hotel? Wouldn’t that be cool? Someone to change your sheets each day and give you a fresh bar of soap!
Back in St. Lucia, Gia is getting the first windy date. We are talking hurricane strength winds! She runs up behind him to “surprise” him. He takes off his sunglasses and clips them to the back of his shirt (who does that?) and kisses Gia. Then he follows her up about a million steps. She ends up so far ahead of him because even though he has nice abs, he apparently gets winded easily. Once they reach the top of the hill, Jake points to a boat down in the water and tells Gia they are taking a ride in that.
Gia: “You dragged my ass all the way up here to tell me that? Why didn’t we just go get on the boat? It probably would have saved you the heart attack I’m afraid you are going to have on the way back down this mountain. Hurry up!”
After a wrong turn by driver Jake, the boat ends up in the slums of St. Lucia. The couple strolls along the street and listens to street people play music. Jake forgets he’s with Gia and thinks he’s with Tenely so he asks her to dance. They “dance” in the street. It was the most embarrassing thing to watch! Jake is the WORST dancer ever. It was so bad, I had to hide my eyes. The locals even laughed at him.
Local: “Silly white boy.”
Then Jake buys them both dorky 1990 bead necklaces from a street vendor. And he wears it! Gia realizes how uncool these necklaces became about 20 years ago but she doesn’t want to be mean so she puts it on her wrist and tells the camera “For the rest of my life, or at least until next week when we break up, I will wear this necklace on my wrist. Because that’s where I wear it. I also wear my heart on my sleeve.”
For the night portion of their date, some intern rescued the pair out of the ghetto of St. Lucia and took them to a posh hotel. Gia rummages thru my daughter’s dress up trunk and picks a jeweled headband to wear. Jake is very impressed with how she looks and tells the camera he loved her “sundress” (dress was NOT even close to a sundress).
They eat dinner on the beach with a HUGE sea shell on the dinner table. Jake brags about what a good guy he is.
Gia: “Tell me more about you!”
Jake: “I always put other before myself. I’m so awesome! I’m such a catch. Kiss me!”
They go to swing on a hammock and Jake pulls out the fantasy suite sex card from CH. Gia can’t wait to get to the room with Jake. They get into a bubble bath (see? Gia really is a little kid-> their date consisted of swinging and a bubble bath) and the ABC intern who has already earned his paycheck for the day by rescuing the pair off the streets now has to rummage around in their suitcases for their clothes. He lays them in a path to the tub for the cameraman to film.
Next up is Tenely. Who forgot to tell Jake they were still playing the game of “keep count of how many times I can bring up my ex and compare you to him.”
Jake runs up to Tenely, hugs her, kisses her, and twirls her around.
Jake: “Can you believe we’re here? St. Lucia!” (he asked Gia the EXACT same thing)
Jake tells her that since she showed him her passion of dancing, he will show her his passion of flying. I figured they would get in a small plane and he would be the pilot like he did with Ali. But no, it’s just another helicopter ride.
The duo plays a game of “golly gee” during a picnic lunch at a sugar plantation. Then they go swimming at a black sand beach. After taking off their shirts and shorts, the ABC intern has to hang them on rocks for the cameraman to get a good shot of.
The couple then heads to dinner at a hotel. The ex hubby mention count is up to 359 for the day. Tenely is worried about the date because she hasn’t given it up to anybody since guess who? That’s right- the ex. Nervous about the fantasy suite card, Tenely tells Jake she’s falling in love with him. So Jake asks her to dance. Please ABC- stop allowing this guy to dance! He’s so terrible! These two are the biggest dorks- they are perfect for each other. They slow dance like a couple of 7th graders and Tenely thinks it’s so romantic.
After the dance, Jake thinks it would be a good time to pull out the fantasy suite sex card.
Jake: “This came from Chris Harrison and I’m really excited about it. I’m really excited!” He gives her the card for her to read. Tenely accepts. You can hear Jake’s woody hit the table.
They head to the fantasy suite. I had to pause here to feel a little bit sorry for Gia. All she got was a tiny bubble bath. Tenely gets a whole big pool!
The ABC intern has the creepy intense music swell as Jake and Tenely get into the pool. Cut to commerical. Which means, nothing happened. This is Tenely we’re talking about here. I’m sure what we missed went something like this:
Tenely: “Tell me more about why you think you’d be a good husband,”
Jake: “I always think of others. I’d have your back no matter what.”
Tenely: “Those are good answers Jake. My ex husband never felt like that. And he cheated on me. It’s been hard for me. But I deserve love again. Now watch me dance for you and then you can peck me on my cheek.”
Vienna gets the last date. Which I’m sure she either paid the producers to get or beat the shit out of the intern so he’d pull some strings. They go to a pirate ship. (again, let’s pause- Gia got a tiny little row boat. Vienna gets a huge sailboat) Vienna tells the camera she’s never been in love before. Even though she’s been engaged once and married once. To 2 different men.
Vienna tells Jake he’d make a sexy pirate and gives him an eye patch to wear. The dumb ass puts it on and closes the wrong eye. So he decides to try to embarrass her by making her climb ropes to the boat’s crows nest. He’s forgotten that he is the one who is afraid of heights and as Vienna flies to the top, he’s left looking like a fool again being left behind.
This date is so cheesey. Jake dressing like a pirate with the scarf on his head and the eye patch. Then he makes Vienna “walk the plank.” At this point I threw up a little bit. In my stomach. To quote Ali.
For the evening portion of their date, Jake wears a turquoise silk shirt from 1992. They eat dinner in a gazebo and talk about how great they both are. We also learn that (surprise, surprise) the princess wants a princess cut stone for her ring with some extra bling.
After Jake reminds Vienna that there are 2 other girls he’s falling for too, Vienna tells him she loves him. He breaks out the fantasy suite sex card and hands it to Vienna.
Jake: “Why don’t you read it?”
I’m thinking he doesn’t know how to read since he has made each of the girls read it aloud to him.
Once in the fantasy suite, Vienna tells Jake she has a surprise for him. She puts on a white nighty. The intern keys the porno music and Jake and Vienna make out on the bed of rose petals till Vienna closes the door on the cameraman. She tells him it’s nothing personal but that if he’s gonna film what they are about to do, she needs to get paid.
Ok, so it’s only 9:13 and all we have left is the rose ceremony. It hits me that ABC is going to devote the last 45 minutes of this week’s episode to whiney Ali again! UG!
Producers tell Jake that there is going to be a “surprise” phone call. Jake questions what he should be doing before the phone rings.
Jake: “Should I rearrange the magazines on the coffee table again?”
Producer: “No, you did that last week. Why don’t you get in the shower?”
Jake: “I’m really starting to feel uncomfortable with that.”
Producer: “It’s sexy to watch a man get clean. The women in our viewing audience will love it!”
Jake: “How about if I just wash my face? I have lots of moisturizers and creams.”
Producer: “Fine.”
Jake is putting on his night mask when the phone rings. It’s Ali. She’s back to whine again and tells Jake she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. She’s decided that being employed is not as important as getting roses from a guy she barely knows.
During this whole convo, Jake holds the phone so far away from his head. He tells Ali not to come back. He’s over her! Well that was fast buddy!
Ali cries to the cameraman in San Francisco about how she made the wrong choice, it’s too late now, and how she’ll never find anyone like Jake ever again.
Hmmm….. Foreshadowing? Will Ali be the next Bachelorette? Magic 8 Ball says, “All signs point to yes!”
Jake finishes getting ready for the rose ceremony. He stands in front of the mirror buttoning and unbuttoning the top button on his shirt. Buttoned? Unbuttoned? Unbuttoned it is.
Thank God CH comes for a sit down to hash things out with Jakey! CH and Jake recap what we just saw with each of the girls. This is the THIRD time we’ve seen this footage tonight: once at the beginning of the show in the previews. Once while watching the show. And now again while watching the recap of the show. I guess they gotta fill the 2 hours with something!
CH: “Are you ready to send one girl home?”
Jake: “No! If I had to make that decision right now, I don’t know what I’d do.”
CH: “Well what did you think we’re doing here Jake? You do have to send one girl home now. Why else would I be here? I know you can’t possibly count to two by yourself. I’m sure these video messages each girl has left for you will help you make up your mind. I’ll be outside. Hurry up!”
Jake watches the video messages. Boring- blah, blah, blah.
Finally! The rose ceremony!
Roses go to Tenely and Vienna. Going how with a necklace on her wrist: Gia. And tons of sweat on her face! Man, give that girl a tissue! She had snot dripping out of her nose the whole time Jake was dumping her. Once again, another sign that Gia is really a little kid- someone needed to tell her to wipe her nose.
So that’s it- what did you think? Will next week’s Women Tell All tell us anything? Or just recap the boring season all over again? Who do you think Jake will choose in two weeks at the finale? Can’t wait! Until then….
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 6
The show starts with a voice over: “Welcome to the longest 2 hours of your life you will never get back.” They show 3 minutes of previews. I could have/should have stopped watching at that point. Nothing else really exciting happens.
Jake leaves his San Francisco hotel to go to the hometown dates wearing shorts, flip flops, and a button down shirt. His first hometown is in New York City with Gia. As soon as Gia sees Jake, she jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around him. She makes him carry her around the city like this the rest of the day. Jake complains that his arms are getting tired so they take a boat ride so Gia can point out things in her city that everyone already knows.
Gia: “There’s the Empire State Building! Oh and look- the Statue of Liberty!”
Then they decide to take a bunch of pictures while on the boat. Gia’s words are: “Let’s take pictures and make memories so when we break up in a couple of weeks, we have something to remember each other by. In addition to the 3 hours of footage this cameraman who has been following us around has.”
While on the boat I found myself yelling at the tv for Gia to get her hands/fingers out of her mouth! Then I felt like I was talking to my kids and it hit me that Gia is really a 2 year old child. Let’s look at the facts: 1.) her favorite game is hide and seek and she is so bad at it she doesn’t even know to actually hide. 2.) she loves to be carried around by Jake (or anyone I’m guessing). 3.) she constantly has her fingers in her mouth like she’s digging for new teeth or something!
Gia and Jake then go meet Gia’s family in a restaurant. Why not their house? Anyway, this was the most boring family meet and greet ever! The mom reminded me of a witch. When I saw her reading Jake’s cards (wrong) at the end of the episode it just solidified my guess. The only other notable thing from this date was that apparently mom had a little too much to drink. When Gia and mommy take a walk outside to talk about Jake, Gia has to hold her mother up she is so sloshed!
Next up is Ali in Williamstown, MA. This date was so weird on so many levels. First thing I noticed is that Ali walks funny. I don’t know how to describe it but did anyone else notice it? The two sit on a random bench and make wishes on leaves. Ali tells the camera, “I love laughing!” Um, who doesn’t? Who says, “You know what my number one pet peeve is? Laughing! I hate to laugh and it bugs me when others laugh!”
Ali takes Jake to her dead grandma’s house. They sit on the brick wall in front of the house till the new owners come out and chase them away. So they head off to meet the rest of Ali’s family. Which in the last episode I believe Ali said her family wasn’t normal or traditional or something like that. But honestly, other than the fact that she appears to have a normal relationship with her mom but told us her dead grandma was her mother, this family seemed pretty down to earth and normal.
Jake, ever the gentleman, has brought a gift for Ali’s family. Who knows what it is? He takes one to every family but they never open it on camera. Do you think it’s something really inappropriate or something? Anyway, the ABC intern who was supposed to buy the gift bags for Jake’s gifts forgot so he had to reuse the bag that was given to him by Gia’s family. That or he just re-gifted the gift. Which would explain why it was never opened on camera.
Ali’s mom asks Jake, “Would you like to join my outside? We can sit by the fire. And make out.” By fire, she meant the 2 votive candles the intern lit on the picnic table. Man, this guy really dropped the ball on this date, huh?
Mom seems to like Jake, Ali takes him back outside to the picnic table and tells him she would say yes to a marriage proposal. Jake (who is wrapped 100 times in a women’s scarf) makes a big production of taking off his gloves to grab Ali’s face and kiss him. Then he sniffs her face. I almost was asleep by this point.
Third hometown was with Tenely in Newberg, OR. Jake wears the same girly scarf. Immediately Tenely starts grilling Jake, “Who are you as a man? Does your mom run your life? My ex’s parents controlled his life. In fact, they are the ones who told him to cheat on me. Speaking of my ex, let’s see how many times I can bring him up today. We’ll make it a game! Keep count while I compare you to him!”
Tenely takes Jake to a dance studio she danced at as a little girl. She tells him her ex never saw her dance (mention of said ex number 28) and that she has put together a little dance routine for him. She changes into a leotard and tu-tu which Jake goes ape over!
Jake: “Wow! Nice!” Really Jake? She looks like a little girl playing dress up.
So I will give her this- she is a really good dancer and she has GREAT calves! But man, was that really awkward to watch! I felt like I was watching a 6 year old’s dance recital or something.
Then they go to her parents house. Tenely’s mom is 12. Her dad is 93. The only other thing I wrote down was that her dad cries during his alone time with Jake. Mom cries during her alone time with Jake. Jake cries. The dad hugs Jake. They make out a little. And the game of “how many times can we bring up the ex” count ends the night at 1, 235, 887 times.
The last hometown arrives finally! Yay! But wait, it’s only 9:00!!!! How are they going to fill another hour with Vienna’s date and the rose ceremony?
Vienna wears her Daisy Dukes and white high heels shoes to take Jake on a boat ride around Sanford, Florida. Then she takes him back to her dad’s trailer to meet her family. Vienna and her dad sit down for a little chat and she tells him, “I’ve never been in love before. I mean, I’ve loved but not like this. I’ve never wanted to get married. I mean, I’ve been married but never after an experience like this.” Their whole conversation is full of contradictions like this. I’m so bored.
The family eats dinner in the backyard. It looks like the ABC intern had to drag a house rug outside to cover up the dead grass/mud in the backyard before putting the picnic table on it. After dinner, Jake and Vienna go to Vienna’s room to make out on her bed. Her dad walks in on them and for some reason this gets a laugh from all.
Jake and the girls all fly back to LA for the rose ceremony. Before the rose ceremony, the producers come to Jake’s room and tell him to look normal while they film him bc something big is about to happen.
Jake: “What should I be doing?”
Producer: “Why don’t you do some push-ups? With your shirt off?”
Jake: “I just did 300. I’m a little tired.”
Producer: “How about you take a shower?”
Jake: “You’ve done that every episode. It’s getting a little weird. I know- let’s call Chris and ask him. He’s such a good friend and guy- he’ll know what to do!”
Producer: “No, we can’t bother him again or we’ll have to pay him more. Just rearrange the magazines on the coffee table and act surprised when there is a knock at the door.”
Jake: “But there is only one magazine here.”
Producer: “Just do it!”
Knock, knock….
It’s Ali. In tears. She must decide between her job and Jake. Which I just have to pause here to ask a few questions…. 1.) didn’t her work know she was going to be gone? Why are they just now demanding she come back to work? 2.) I didn’t think the girls could have any contact with the outside world while filming- how did she find out she was about to get canned if she didn’t come back to work?
Unpause. Jake grabs Ali’s face (which is how he likes to kiss her apparently), kisses her, then smells her cheek (which is another weird thing he does when kissing these girls). He tells her whatever she decides is ok.
Jake then tells the camera: “I hope Ali stays. All I have right now is hope.” That and 3 other girls.
At this point I am talking to the tv again. “WHERE IS CH WHEN HE’S NEEDED?!?! Poor Jake- what is he to do without the help of his good buddy Chris? For once, the tv hears me and CH appears like a vision to have a sit-down with Jake. And he’s wearing a HUGE watch. What was up with that?
CH plays devil’s advocate and asks Jake what he will do if Ali quits her job for him. Nothing like adding any pressure there Chris. I think he enjoyed all this. Then he leaves to go let the girls in for the rose ceremony.
What did Gia do to her mouth for this? Anyone else notice how it looked like her face looked like the Jokers? Her lips were freaking me out!
All the girls are lined up for the rose ceremony and Ali looks down and sees her WWCHD bracelet that Jake gave her.
Ali: “Chris, can I talk to you for a minute?”
CH whisks her away and tells her he is NOT the ABC shrink and he is not getting paid enough to listen to her whine. He takes her Jake who immediately pulls her legs into his lap and they cry.
Commercial time. Mc Snack Wrap? Really? A Big Mac in the form of a wrap? GROSS! That ranks right up there with the McRib sandwich which had meat that was in the shape of rib bones.
Back in Bachelorland, Ali and Jake are still crying on the couch. CH interrupts: “Come on Ali- have you made up your mind? Are you going to stay or go? Hurry up! I want to get home to my wife and kids!”
Another commercial. This time for Lost. Which I have noticed them promoting all season of the Bachelor. Which is fine. That’s what networks do- promote other network shows. But they keep billing Lost as the greatest thing ever. Now I am not saying this bc I don’t watch Lost but really? Doesn’t that seem a little mean to the show we are all already watching? Anyway, it’s just struck me as a little funny all season.
So during this time, Ali has made up her mind to go. She knows she can’t give up her job for a 1 in 4 chance at a rose and a 1 in a million chance at marriage. Jake walks her out and puts her in the limo. Then he tells the camera: “I feel like Ali’s slipping thru my fingers and I don’t know how to stop her.” Really? That’s the feeling you’re getting? What tipped you off? The fact that she said she was leaving? Or putting her in the reject limo and watching her drive away?
Jake and CH go back to the other women who apparently have been standing like statues for the last 4 hours while Ali and Jake said goodbye to each other.
CH: “For the first time in Bachelor history, there will be no rose ceremony tonight. Which is a relief to me because I was nervous about counting to 3. Really dodged a bullet tonight, huh? So ladies, just come get your roses so we can all go home.”
Continuing on the journey: Tenely, Gia, and Vienna. Currently in therapy: Ali.
So what are your thoughts on the show? Did Ali make the right choice? Who do you think would have gone home if she had stayed (I think it was gonna be Gia). Do you think this show could get any more boring? Anyone else notice how short Jake was tonight? What can they possibly fill the remaining 4 hours of this show with? Discuss amongst yourselves. See you next week!
Jake leaves his San Francisco hotel to go to the hometown dates wearing shorts, flip flops, and a button down shirt. His first hometown is in New York City with Gia. As soon as Gia sees Jake, she jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around him. She makes him carry her around the city like this the rest of the day. Jake complains that his arms are getting tired so they take a boat ride so Gia can point out things in her city that everyone already knows.
Gia: “There’s the Empire State Building! Oh and look- the Statue of Liberty!”
Then they decide to take a bunch of pictures while on the boat. Gia’s words are: “Let’s take pictures and make memories so when we break up in a couple of weeks, we have something to remember each other by. In addition to the 3 hours of footage this cameraman who has been following us around has.”
While on the boat I found myself yelling at the tv for Gia to get her hands/fingers out of her mouth! Then I felt like I was talking to my kids and it hit me that Gia is really a 2 year old child. Let’s look at the facts: 1.) her favorite game is hide and seek and she is so bad at it she doesn’t even know to actually hide. 2.) she loves to be carried around by Jake (or anyone I’m guessing). 3.) she constantly has her fingers in her mouth like she’s digging for new teeth or something!
Gia and Jake then go meet Gia’s family in a restaurant. Why not their house? Anyway, this was the most boring family meet and greet ever! The mom reminded me of a witch. When I saw her reading Jake’s cards (wrong) at the end of the episode it just solidified my guess. The only other notable thing from this date was that apparently mom had a little too much to drink. When Gia and mommy take a walk outside to talk about Jake, Gia has to hold her mother up she is so sloshed!
Next up is Ali in Williamstown, MA. This date was so weird on so many levels. First thing I noticed is that Ali walks funny. I don’t know how to describe it but did anyone else notice it? The two sit on a random bench and make wishes on leaves. Ali tells the camera, “I love laughing!” Um, who doesn’t? Who says, “You know what my number one pet peeve is? Laughing! I hate to laugh and it bugs me when others laugh!”
Ali takes Jake to her dead grandma’s house. They sit on the brick wall in front of the house till the new owners come out and chase them away. So they head off to meet the rest of Ali’s family. Which in the last episode I believe Ali said her family wasn’t normal or traditional or something like that. But honestly, other than the fact that she appears to have a normal relationship with her mom but told us her dead grandma was her mother, this family seemed pretty down to earth and normal.
Jake, ever the gentleman, has brought a gift for Ali’s family. Who knows what it is? He takes one to every family but they never open it on camera. Do you think it’s something really inappropriate or something? Anyway, the ABC intern who was supposed to buy the gift bags for Jake’s gifts forgot so he had to reuse the bag that was given to him by Gia’s family. That or he just re-gifted the gift. Which would explain why it was never opened on camera.
Ali’s mom asks Jake, “Would you like to join my outside? We can sit by the fire. And make out.” By fire, she meant the 2 votive candles the intern lit on the picnic table. Man, this guy really dropped the ball on this date, huh?
Mom seems to like Jake, Ali takes him back outside to the picnic table and tells him she would say yes to a marriage proposal. Jake (who is wrapped 100 times in a women’s scarf) makes a big production of taking off his gloves to grab Ali’s face and kiss him. Then he sniffs her face. I almost was asleep by this point.
Third hometown was with Tenely in Newberg, OR. Jake wears the same girly scarf. Immediately Tenely starts grilling Jake, “Who are you as a man? Does your mom run your life? My ex’s parents controlled his life. In fact, they are the ones who told him to cheat on me. Speaking of my ex, let’s see how many times I can bring him up today. We’ll make it a game! Keep count while I compare you to him!”
Tenely takes Jake to a dance studio she danced at as a little girl. She tells him her ex never saw her dance (mention of said ex number 28) and that she has put together a little dance routine for him. She changes into a leotard and tu-tu which Jake goes ape over!
Jake: “Wow! Nice!” Really Jake? She looks like a little girl playing dress up.
So I will give her this- she is a really good dancer and she has GREAT calves! But man, was that really awkward to watch! I felt like I was watching a 6 year old’s dance recital or something.
Then they go to her parents house. Tenely’s mom is 12. Her dad is 93. The only other thing I wrote down was that her dad cries during his alone time with Jake. Mom cries during her alone time with Jake. Jake cries. The dad hugs Jake. They make out a little. And the game of “how many times can we bring up the ex” count ends the night at 1, 235, 887 times.
The last hometown arrives finally! Yay! But wait, it’s only 9:00!!!! How are they going to fill another hour with Vienna’s date and the rose ceremony?
Vienna wears her Daisy Dukes and white high heels shoes to take Jake on a boat ride around Sanford, Florida. Then she takes him back to her dad’s trailer to meet her family. Vienna and her dad sit down for a little chat and she tells him, “I’ve never been in love before. I mean, I’ve loved but not like this. I’ve never wanted to get married. I mean, I’ve been married but never after an experience like this.” Their whole conversation is full of contradictions like this. I’m so bored.
The family eats dinner in the backyard. It looks like the ABC intern had to drag a house rug outside to cover up the dead grass/mud in the backyard before putting the picnic table on it. After dinner, Jake and Vienna go to Vienna’s room to make out on her bed. Her dad walks in on them and for some reason this gets a laugh from all.
Jake and the girls all fly back to LA for the rose ceremony. Before the rose ceremony, the producers come to Jake’s room and tell him to look normal while they film him bc something big is about to happen.
Jake: “What should I be doing?”
Producer: “Why don’t you do some push-ups? With your shirt off?”
Jake: “I just did 300. I’m a little tired.”
Producer: “How about you take a shower?”
Jake: “You’ve done that every episode. It’s getting a little weird. I know- let’s call Chris and ask him. He’s such a good friend and guy- he’ll know what to do!”
Producer: “No, we can’t bother him again or we’ll have to pay him more. Just rearrange the magazines on the coffee table and act surprised when there is a knock at the door.”
Jake: “But there is only one magazine here.”
Producer: “Just do it!”
Knock, knock….
It’s Ali. In tears. She must decide between her job and Jake. Which I just have to pause here to ask a few questions…. 1.) didn’t her work know she was going to be gone? Why are they just now demanding she come back to work? 2.) I didn’t think the girls could have any contact with the outside world while filming- how did she find out she was about to get canned if she didn’t come back to work?
Unpause. Jake grabs Ali’s face (which is how he likes to kiss her apparently), kisses her, then smells her cheek (which is another weird thing he does when kissing these girls). He tells her whatever she decides is ok.
Jake then tells the camera: “I hope Ali stays. All I have right now is hope.” That and 3 other girls.
At this point I am talking to the tv again. “WHERE IS CH WHEN HE’S NEEDED?!?! Poor Jake- what is he to do without the help of his good buddy Chris? For once, the tv hears me and CH appears like a vision to have a sit-down with Jake. And he’s wearing a HUGE watch. What was up with that?
CH plays devil’s advocate and asks Jake what he will do if Ali quits her job for him. Nothing like adding any pressure there Chris. I think he enjoyed all this. Then he leaves to go let the girls in for the rose ceremony.
What did Gia do to her mouth for this? Anyone else notice how it looked like her face looked like the Jokers? Her lips were freaking me out!
All the girls are lined up for the rose ceremony and Ali looks down and sees her WWCHD bracelet that Jake gave her.
Ali: “Chris, can I talk to you for a minute?”
CH whisks her away and tells her he is NOT the ABC shrink and he is not getting paid enough to listen to her whine. He takes her Jake who immediately pulls her legs into his lap and they cry.
Commercial time. Mc Snack Wrap? Really? A Big Mac in the form of a wrap? GROSS! That ranks right up there with the McRib sandwich which had meat that was in the shape of rib bones.
Back in Bachelorland, Ali and Jake are still crying on the couch. CH interrupts: “Come on Ali- have you made up your mind? Are you going to stay or go? Hurry up! I want to get home to my wife and kids!”
Another commercial. This time for Lost. Which I have noticed them promoting all season of the Bachelor. Which is fine. That’s what networks do- promote other network shows. But they keep billing Lost as the greatest thing ever. Now I am not saying this bc I don’t watch Lost but really? Doesn’t that seem a little mean to the show we are all already watching? Anyway, it’s just struck me as a little funny all season.
So during this time, Ali has made up her mind to go. She knows she can’t give up her job for a 1 in 4 chance at a rose and a 1 in a million chance at marriage. Jake walks her out and puts her in the limo. Then he tells the camera: “I feel like Ali’s slipping thru my fingers and I don’t know how to stop her.” Really? That’s the feeling you’re getting? What tipped you off? The fact that she said she was leaving? Or putting her in the reject limo and watching her drive away?
Jake and CH go back to the other women who apparently have been standing like statues for the last 4 hours while Ali and Jake said goodbye to each other.
CH: “For the first time in Bachelor history, there will be no rose ceremony tonight. Which is a relief to me because I was nervous about counting to 3. Really dodged a bullet tonight, huh? So ladies, just come get your roses so we can all go home.”
Continuing on the journey: Tenely, Gia, and Vienna. Currently in therapy: Ali.
So what are your thoughts on the show? Did Ali make the right choice? Who do you think would have gone home if she had stayed (I think it was gonna be Gia). Do you think this show could get any more boring? Anyone else notice how short Jake was tonight? What can they possibly fill the remaining 4 hours of this show with? Discuss amongst yourselves. See you next week!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 5
Welcome to episode 5 of the Bachelor. Tonight’s show is brought to you by the phrase, "taking it to a new level."
Show opens with all the girls on the same RV on their way to San Francisco. They all are wearing scarves. Except Ali. She has a burka wrapped around her neck. The RV pulls up to a hotel where Jake is waiting to greet the ladies.
Jake: "Ratings came back higher last week so no more camping for us! We can afford to put you girls up in a nice hotel again. Plus, Chris Harrision isn’t here to tell you what happens if you get a rose vs. if you don’t get a rose so ABC saved a few more bucks on that end. Hope you can follow along without his help."
The first one on one date is for Tenely. As she is going on and on about the date it hits me who her voice reminds me of- Ruby’s voice from Max and Ruby! Especially when she said, "No Jake….."
For this date, Jake wore his turtleneck, peacoat, and high black George Washington boots to take Tenely on a trolly ride. By the time they got to Chinatown (where Jake actually said, "It feels like you are in a foreign country!"), Tenely was bugging the hell out of me. She thought the date was either 20 Questions or "Ask Me If We’re Doing Blank Two Seconds Before We Do It."
Tenely: "Are we going on a trolly ride?"
Tenely: "Are we going to Chinatown?"
Tenely: "Are we going to make fortune cookies?"
Tenely: "Are we going to talk about my divorce all night?"
Yay Tenely! You won the prize on tonight’s game show of guess what you’re going to do! What did you win, you ask? Well here is a nice red rose. And a date with a dork!
So Jake and Tenely make fortune cookies and make out in the cookie store. Then they walk around the city with said fortune cookies in little brown bags that looked like urine specimen bags from the lab.
Cut to the hotel.
Producers: "Girls sit around and talk about who you think is going on the next date. Then we’ll bring the date card."
Girls: "Who do you think will go on the 2 on one date?"
Knock-knock. High pitched glee. The date card has arrived.
Corrie plays a joke and tells the girls the next date is Ali and Vienna. But when Ali goes into cardiac arrest over the thought of spending the day with Jake and Vienna, Corrie realizes her mistake. As Gia calls 911 and Vienna smirks, Corrie tells everyone she was just kidding- the date is for Vienna and Gia. Then she begs the producers to put her into the witness relocation program so Ali can’t find her and kill her.
Back on the date, Jake and Tenely have dinner while Jake grills her about her marriage and divorce. She cries over her ex once again. Then they break out the homemade fortune cookies. Tenely’s reads "Kiss me on my chocolate star." Jake’s says, "I miss Chris Harrison!"
To the camera, Jake admits he is falling for Tenely but he’s worried about her divorce. I think this is forshadowing.
The next day a trunk full of "princess" dresses and accessories arrives for Vienna and Gia to go thru and find something nice for their princess/queen date. Somehow they both end up in jeans.
They are going to another vineyard. Gia gets excited about the thought of another game of hide and seek with Jake. But Vienna is not going to let that happen! She cries to Jake (in front of Gia- awkward!) about the other girls not liking her. Again. Why doesn’t Jake see what a whinny thing this girls is and kick her to the curb already?!?! So what does he do while Gia looks bored and Vienna turns on the water works again? He congratulates himself for picking the right girls.
Jake: "I’m so proud of myself!" Yeah Jakey- your mom would be too.
During his alone time with Gia, he assures her she can fall for him. She puts him in a chokehold to kiss him/chew his face off. Vienna goes looking for them. For some reason she gets really scared. Even though there is a cameraman following 2 feet behind her. She starts to cry. I’m thinking she must have had a whole bottle of wine while waiting for Jake and Gia to finish their game of 7 Minutes in Heaven and is now trashed.
As soon as she finds them, she gets her alone time with Jake. What does she do? Immediately starts crying about the other girls again. What does Jake do? Immediately starts to "interview" her. Afterall folks, there are only a couple of weeks left and that coffee isn’t going to brew itself!
Jake then tucks both girls in bed and goes to his own room to sleep almost naked (except for a giant watch- who sleeps with their watch on?). Vienna sneaks down to his room. Jake does not like it. He marches her back to her room and tells them, "I told you girls not to get out of bed! Now go back to sleep and don’t make me come up here again!"
Next date goes to Corrie. Corrie is a wardrobe consultant. You may be asking yourself what that is. I know I was the whole season. Until last night when she got dressed for her date. Apparently, based on what she was wearing, a wardrobe consultant is a girl who turns back time and wears clothes from the mid-80s. She looked like Jane Fonda about to workout in that get-up! (a side note: I’m pretty sure I know NOTHING about fashion so if that was actually a cute/cool/in outfit, please let me know)
This date was the MOST boring date ever!!!! There were so many awkward pauses and you could hear crickets chirping while they took that row boat ride.
The two go to some aquarium for dinner. Corrie tells him she will not move in with him till they are married.
Jake: "Are you saying you’re saving yourself for marriage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Good one Cor! Oh? You’re serious? Oops- ok that’s cool. Don’t worry. That won’t effect us. But just so we’re clear, pack your bags babe. You’re going home before the overnight dates for sure!"
So commerical time and it’s only 9:03. Somehow they are going to fill the next hour with two things: Ali’s date and the rose ceremony. Why don’t I watch this show recorded so I can fast forward thru all the boring stuff?!?!
Ali gets ready for her date and decides not to wear yellow. Instead, she puts on a purple Cindy Brady dress that is so short I swear the producers had to blur stuff out a few times.
Ali tells Jake: "I’m excited to show you my home away from home like when you took me flying. The only difference is, this is actually my home."
They go to Starbucks and Jake starts the interview off: "Take me thru your typical Sunday. Tell me why you want this job at Starbucks."
They go to a park, play soccer, give back rubs, and then break out the champagne for a toast.
Ali: "Cheers!"
Jake: "Speaking of trust-"
Ali: "We weren’t speaking of trust."
Jake: "Ok, so bad segue… but just tell me why you hate Vienna. Stop making her cry!"
At this point the conversation made no sense to me. That or I am just so bored by all this now. Either way, both Ali and Jake are happy with it and kiss! Jake suggests they go jump in the water. So they both run into it up to their ankles. Um, that’s not jumping in! That’s ruining a nice pair of shoes for nothing!
The cocktail party finally arrives! Gia wore the curtains from the hotel. Vienna’s hair was done by an angry bird thinking it was building a nest.
CH arrives for his alone time with Jake since they haven’t seen each other all week! Jake eagerly jumps up to talk with his idol.
CH: "Thanks for doing my hair earlier. I think it looks just like your’s now. What do you think?"
Jake: "It looks great Chris! You are such a cutie!"
CH: "Well I just wanted to make sure you aren’t going to pull another fast one on me this week Jakey."
Jake: "Huh?"
CH: "Come on- don’t play dumb. Telling me last week to take a rose away at the last minute. I had to do some quick math there. I can’t subtract one from two that quickly! I didn’t like being put on the spot like that."
Jake: "Sorry man. Golly gee. I’ll never do that to you again buddy!"
CH: "Thanks. Now that we have that straight, get out there and send the virgin home so we can all go home!"
Roses go to:
Tenely
Ali
Gia
Vienna
Going home:
Corrie
So what did you think? Were you surprised that Ali didn’t morph into a monster and rip Jake’s head off when he gave the last rose of the night to Vienna? Do you think the reason there will be no rose ceremony next week is bc Jake admits his love to CH instead and sends all the girls home in a strange new twist? Let me know what you are thinking in the comments section. See you all next week!
Show opens with all the girls on the same RV on their way to San Francisco. They all are wearing scarves. Except Ali. She has a burka wrapped around her neck. The RV pulls up to a hotel where Jake is waiting to greet the ladies.
Jake: "Ratings came back higher last week so no more camping for us! We can afford to put you girls up in a nice hotel again. Plus, Chris Harrision isn’t here to tell you what happens if you get a rose vs. if you don’t get a rose so ABC saved a few more bucks on that end. Hope you can follow along without his help."
The first one on one date is for Tenely. As she is going on and on about the date it hits me who her voice reminds me of- Ruby’s voice from Max and Ruby! Especially when she said, "No Jake….."
For this date, Jake wore his turtleneck, peacoat, and high black George Washington boots to take Tenely on a trolly ride. By the time they got to Chinatown (where Jake actually said, "It feels like you are in a foreign country!"), Tenely was bugging the hell out of me. She thought the date was either 20 Questions or "Ask Me If We’re Doing Blank Two Seconds Before We Do It."
Tenely: "Are we going on a trolly ride?"
Tenely: "Are we going to Chinatown?"
Tenely: "Are we going to make fortune cookies?"
Tenely: "Are we going to talk about my divorce all night?"
Yay Tenely! You won the prize on tonight’s game show of guess what you’re going to do! What did you win, you ask? Well here is a nice red rose. And a date with a dork!
So Jake and Tenely make fortune cookies and make out in the cookie store. Then they walk around the city with said fortune cookies in little brown bags that looked like urine specimen bags from the lab.
Cut to the hotel.
Producers: "Girls sit around and talk about who you think is going on the next date. Then we’ll bring the date card."
Girls: "Who do you think will go on the 2 on one date?"
Knock-knock. High pitched glee. The date card has arrived.
Corrie plays a joke and tells the girls the next date is Ali and Vienna. But when Ali goes into cardiac arrest over the thought of spending the day with Jake and Vienna, Corrie realizes her mistake. As Gia calls 911 and Vienna smirks, Corrie tells everyone she was just kidding- the date is for Vienna and Gia. Then she begs the producers to put her into the witness relocation program so Ali can’t find her and kill her.
Back on the date, Jake and Tenely have dinner while Jake grills her about her marriage and divorce. She cries over her ex once again. Then they break out the homemade fortune cookies. Tenely’s reads "Kiss me on my chocolate star." Jake’s says, "I miss Chris Harrison!"
To the camera, Jake admits he is falling for Tenely but he’s worried about her divorce. I think this is forshadowing.
The next day a trunk full of "princess" dresses and accessories arrives for Vienna and Gia to go thru and find something nice for their princess/queen date. Somehow they both end up in jeans.
They are going to another vineyard. Gia gets excited about the thought of another game of hide and seek with Jake. But Vienna is not going to let that happen! She cries to Jake (in front of Gia- awkward!) about the other girls not liking her. Again. Why doesn’t Jake see what a whinny thing this girls is and kick her to the curb already?!?! So what does he do while Gia looks bored and Vienna turns on the water works again? He congratulates himself for picking the right girls.
Jake: "I’m so proud of myself!" Yeah Jakey- your mom would be too.
During his alone time with Gia, he assures her she can fall for him. She puts him in a chokehold to kiss him/chew his face off. Vienna goes looking for them. For some reason she gets really scared. Even though there is a cameraman following 2 feet behind her. She starts to cry. I’m thinking she must have had a whole bottle of wine while waiting for Jake and Gia to finish their game of 7 Minutes in Heaven and is now trashed.
As soon as she finds them, she gets her alone time with Jake. What does she do? Immediately starts crying about the other girls again. What does Jake do? Immediately starts to "interview" her. Afterall folks, there are only a couple of weeks left and that coffee isn’t going to brew itself!
Jake then tucks both girls in bed and goes to his own room to sleep almost naked (except for a giant watch- who sleeps with their watch on?). Vienna sneaks down to his room. Jake does not like it. He marches her back to her room and tells them, "I told you girls not to get out of bed! Now go back to sleep and don’t make me come up here again!"
Next date goes to Corrie. Corrie is a wardrobe consultant. You may be asking yourself what that is. I know I was the whole season. Until last night when she got dressed for her date. Apparently, based on what she was wearing, a wardrobe consultant is a girl who turns back time and wears clothes from the mid-80s. She looked like Jane Fonda about to workout in that get-up! (a side note: I’m pretty sure I know NOTHING about fashion so if that was actually a cute/cool/in outfit, please let me know)
This date was the MOST boring date ever!!!! There were so many awkward pauses and you could hear crickets chirping while they took that row boat ride.
The two go to some aquarium for dinner. Corrie tells him she will not move in with him till they are married.
Jake: "Are you saying you’re saving yourself for marriage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Good one Cor! Oh? You’re serious? Oops- ok that’s cool. Don’t worry. That won’t effect us. But just so we’re clear, pack your bags babe. You’re going home before the overnight dates for sure!"
So commerical time and it’s only 9:03. Somehow they are going to fill the next hour with two things: Ali’s date and the rose ceremony. Why don’t I watch this show recorded so I can fast forward thru all the boring stuff?!?!
Ali gets ready for her date and decides not to wear yellow. Instead, she puts on a purple Cindy Brady dress that is so short I swear the producers had to blur stuff out a few times.
Ali tells Jake: "I’m excited to show you my home away from home like when you took me flying. The only difference is, this is actually my home."
They go to Starbucks and Jake starts the interview off: "Take me thru your typical Sunday. Tell me why you want this job at Starbucks."
They go to a park, play soccer, give back rubs, and then break out the champagne for a toast.
Ali: "Cheers!"
Jake: "Speaking of trust-"
Ali: "We weren’t speaking of trust."
Jake: "Ok, so bad segue… but just tell me why you hate Vienna. Stop making her cry!"
At this point the conversation made no sense to me. That or I am just so bored by all this now. Either way, both Ali and Jake are happy with it and kiss! Jake suggests they go jump in the water. So they both run into it up to their ankles. Um, that’s not jumping in! That’s ruining a nice pair of shoes for nothing!
The cocktail party finally arrives! Gia wore the curtains from the hotel. Vienna’s hair was done by an angry bird thinking it was building a nest.
CH arrives for his alone time with Jake since they haven’t seen each other all week! Jake eagerly jumps up to talk with his idol.
CH: "Thanks for doing my hair earlier. I think it looks just like your’s now. What do you think?"
Jake: "It looks great Chris! You are such a cutie!"
CH: "Well I just wanted to make sure you aren’t going to pull another fast one on me this week Jakey."
Jake: "Huh?"
CH: "Come on- don’t play dumb. Telling me last week to take a rose away at the last minute. I had to do some quick math there. I can’t subtract one from two that quickly! I didn’t like being put on the spot like that."
Jake: "Sorry man. Golly gee. I’ll never do that to you again buddy!"
CH: "Thanks. Now that we have that straight, get out there and send the virgin home so we can all go home!"
Roses go to:
Tenely
Ali
Gia
Vienna
Going home:
Corrie
So what did you think? Were you surprised that Ali didn’t morph into a monster and rip Jake’s head off when he gave the last rose of the night to Vienna? Do you think the reason there will be no rose ceremony next week is bc Jake admits his love to CH instead and sends all the girls home in a strange new twist? Let me know what you are thinking in the comments section. See you all next week!
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