Ashley Episode 2 Recap

Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part the cheesy Vegas cliches and the word “journey.” Let’s get right to it!

CH, wearing a smokey blue button down, welcomes the 18 “men” who made the cut last week to the mansion.

CH: “Let me explain what's going on. Each week you will go on dates with Ashely. Some will be group dates, some will be individual dates. I know some of you thought this was a J Crew ad audition. Some of these dates will have roses but some of you will not get a rose. Like you, the freak with the mask. You will be going home.” Then he drops the first date card and makes like Ke$ha and blows the place.

1st Date: Prince William “Wanna Make a Splash in Vegas? I do...”

Ashley’s stunt double drives the car to the mansion (her legs aren’t long enough to reach the pedals) to pick up the Prince before taking him to Jake’s airplane to be flown to Vegas.

Back at the mansion, Harry Connick Jr. and the Hamburglar (WTF? Is this guy STILL wearing the damn mask?!?!) have a sit down to discuss Ashley.

HC Jr.: “It’s 90 degrees. Do you wish you wore a white mask?”

Hamburglar: “The mask isn’t so hot actually. It’s this damn wool hat I’m wearing that is making me sweat. I think I will take off the hat on my first date with Ashley. The mask will come off on our wedding night.”

Meanwhile, back on their date, the Prince and Ashley have to deal with the pap, pap, paparazzi. Luckily, the Prince is used to it since his mom died after being chased by them. However, he’s not used to feeding girls wedding cake on their first date though. These two play house and pretend wedding. It’s so cheesy and uncomfortable. I really feel sorry for the Prince. And my 6 year old daughter who would have LOVED to play this game with Ashley. They continue the charade/game of Wedding Chicken but Ashley is the one to call “uncle.” After tricking the Prince into saying “I do,” Ashley drops the “yeah, I’m just foolin’” card on him but tells him it was the best first date ever! Seriously, even better than the creepy fake carnival first date with Emily’s ex.

Ashley trades her mini white dress for Alex Owens’s large, off the shoulder welding shirt. She can’t find her pants so she throws a belt around her waist and pretends it’s a dress before dashing out to dinner with the Prince. They go to eat in the middle of a pond. To get to their floating table, they have to paddle a giant birthday cake with candles. The producers manage to get The Girls Next Door to drop by the set and scream “We love you Ashley” in which she replies, “Yeah, I know...”

After dinner, the Prince prematurely plays the “my dad died” card. He explains how he died from alcohol as Ashley uses hand signals to tell the ABC intern who is swimming across the water with the champagne bottle in his mouth to stop and she spits out her cocktail in the water while trying to look sad. I think he should have led with the story of his mom’s loveless marriage to Charles and her untimely death due to the London paparazzi. However, Danny Downer really makes Ashley cry with the story of his watch stopping at the exact minute his dad died story instead. Which somehow closes the deal with Ashley so she gives him the rose and they kiss as the fountains explode around them. Imagery? Oh yeah!

2nd Date: Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames. “In Sin City, Boys Will Be Boys. Except when they dress up like faceless men in tights. Then they will just be gay.”

The guys fly to Vegas to meet a hicked out Ashley and watch a weird techno dance with masked men, a la Phantom of the Opera. I wonder why Jeff wasn’t on this date. Somehow, all the “straight” men on the date are so “into” the show, they don’t even notice that Ashley has slipped away till she appears on stage in her cute little sports bra.

Then Ashley divides the guys into two groups to choreograph their own dance to be judged. The group that “wins” gets to stay and dance live on stage. The other group has to go back to LA.

Both teams make up an elementary school talent show worthy dance routine before Team A “wins.” Team B packs their shit and heads back to LA. Or the craps table where I’m sure CH is downing gin and tonics.

Team A gets ready for their live performance so they can then go get drunk on the roof of some Vegas hotel. The dentist is the first to pull Ashley aside. They talk about teeth for a couple of minutes before West interrupts to tell Ashley about how he killed his first wife his first wife died.

Bentley admits to the camera that he thinks Ashley has a great ass, smokin’ legs, she’s cute, and nice but that he’s not into her. He is however, competitive and will do whatever to “win” so he pulls her aside to schmooze her by being dickish. She loves it though and begs him to stay.

Even though Ashley started the date by saying she wanted one on one time with each of the guys and we’ve only seen her sit down with 3, the ABC intern gives her the “wrap it up” signal and she gives the date rose to Bentley.

3rd Date: Mickey and J.P. “Love Is A Gamble. I’ll See One Of You In Vegas.” There is a coin toss to decide who gets the one on one. And in a nauseating theme for the rest of the date, Mickey wins the coin toss. He spends the next three hours gelling his hair and putting in his blue colored contacts before jetting off to meet Ashley in Vegas.

They head to a wine bar and flip a coin to see if they’ll be drinking red or white (white), who will repel to get the wine (Ashley), who controls how fast she goes up (Mickey), and how stupid this date is turning out to be (very).

They play a stupid coin involved game of truth or date while drinking their wine that I so wanted a few sips of. Mickey shares that he’s an only child which causes Ashley to shake him for no apparent reason. Then he tells her that his mom died. I’m beginning to wonder if having a deceased parent was a must to get on this season.

Ashley doesn’t want to give Mickey the rose but so that she isn’t the bad guy for sending home the guy who just confessed to having a dead mom, she suggests they continue to play “flip a coin” to decide if he can stay or not. Mickey is pissed (as he should be) but he wins the toss and pretends like it doesn’t bother him as Ashley pretends she was going to keep him all along anyway. They walk to a “beach” and Colbi Caillot starts their own private concert. I’m betting she would have sang for CH if Mickey’d lost the last coin toss.

Rose Ceremony night arrives (finally) with a thunderstorm and somber guys, all worried about getting a rose.

J.P. steals her away before she has a chance to even get a drink and tells her he’s tossing a coin to win a kiss. He wins the toss, Ashley grabs his face and starts to make out with him while he sits there like a log.

Ashley talks to some of the other douchbags as we see the Hamburgular smelling his pits a la Mary Kate before telling the camera he’s gonna reveal himself to Ashley tonight. And here I thought this a was PG show! He pulls her into the stairwell that Roz and the cameraman did the nasty in to talk. He’s about to pull off the mask when Matt interrupts.

Bentley realizes he’s not in the lead after talking to some of the other guys. So even though he’d rather be “swimming in pee” than planning a wedding with Ashley, he decides it’s time to “ram his tongue down her throat.” His words. No joke. He picks her up like she’s Cozy and carries her to the fireplace. I fully expect him to toss her in and laugh while she burns but instead they make out while he holds her on his lap.

Finally, CH arrives to earn his paycheck by banging on the champagne glass of doom with a butter knife before whisking Ashley away to NOT tell her what an ass Bentley is and to practice counting to 12.

Prince William, Bentley, and Mickey already have roses. The rest go to:

• West
• Constantine (Crosby from Parenthood)
• Ryan P.
• Ben C.
• Ames (Harry Connick Jr.)
• Lucas (who is this guy?)
• Jeff (the Mask)
• J.P.
• Chris
• Ben F. (Constantine’s twin)
• Blake (the third Stagliano brother)

Which means that going home is:

• Stephen (Constantine’s other twin)
• Matt (the mama’s boy)
• Ryan M. (Freddy from iCarly)

So who do you think is a front runner at this point? Will Ashley realize Bentley is a jerk next week? Will the Mask finally crap on camera next week? Who do you think is on this amazing journey for the right reasons? Talk amongst yourselves in the comments and I’ll be back next week!

Ashley- Episode 1

Episode 1 starts with CH welcoming us to yet another season of the train wreck we all love to hate, The Bachelorette! This season is featuring the 3rd runner up reject from Brad Womack 2nd season, Ashley H. We witness 20 minutes of her being neurotic around Brad last season, her ugly crying, her large forehead, her fake “dentist” title. We are only 1 minute and 37 seconds in to the show before the first “Brad and I’s” grammatical horror is mentioned. We see her “journey” with Brad play out, then we witness her jogging in Philly, walking down the middle of the street in her sassy red coat, sitting on the floor of a dance studio by herself looking pensive, doing some weird “dance” by herself, wearing scrubs to her fake dentist job, and teaching some aerobic class to 3 other people. But doing these things has made her realize she needs to get out there again and start dating! Damn it- she didn’t cut these bangs for nothing! We also learn that she likes to job up random steps for fun and she sits way too close to the wheel when she drives. And she’s ready to find a husband! Bring on the weirdos!

Ryan P.- solar energy entrepreneur. He likes to make the Taylor Swift heart with his hands after walking in the surf and sitting in the sun.

J.P.- construction guy from NYC. He likes to buy wine from guys on the street while wearing douchy coats.

Ames- 31 year old over achiever who looks a little like a young Harry Conick Jr. Totally dorky but he’ll stick around awhile.

Ben C.- lawyer from New Orleans who has partied a lot in New Orleans but he’s ready to settle down. To prove that he plays the piano like my 5 year old daughter.

Ben F.- winemaker. I want to marry him just based on his profession. He’s got a sad story about his dad dying. He’ll make it at least a few weeks.

Bentley- this season’s #1 dweeb based solely on his terrible name. He has child- Cozy. He’s divorced because he wanted to have more fun. He seems like a huge catch. But he does have a nice house.

Anthony- 4 generation butcher. He will “butcher” her heart. Probably with his 1980’s gold chain necklace and hair grease but we’ll get to that later.

West- he is the one who killed his first wife after smoking a bunch of pot with her and arguing.

William- looks gay. Wears numerous shirts while walking around with a broken umbrella in the rain. His dad was an alcoholic who died. He will be the one who doesn’t drink all season. He will head back to Columbus early.

Ashley finally climbs out of the limo 25 minutes in to this show with her sagging boobs, bad 80’s blush, and new bangs to give CH a hug and ask him to hurry up and find her husband for her. I thought the guys were gonna finally arrive but no, she and CH have to go in the house and have a sit-down to recap everything else the show just recapped. Excellent- I’ll use this time to go pour another glass of wine!

Finally, the guys arrive in the limo! Here are my first impressions of these metros!

Ryan P.- she’s smitten. I think he’s a cutie. They have nothing to say to each other but he’ll get a rose.

Jon- she likes his tie. He looks like a cuter version of that British guy who was the Bachelor a few years ago. He picks her up like a sack of potatoes. She seems to like it.

Lucas- he has nothing to say to her. I fell asleep during their meet and greet. He’ll go home tonight.

Mickey- he takes his mouse ears off before giving her a kiss that she rejects.

Tim- is so drunk he can’t even talk.

Ben C.- speaks to her in some other language the she pretends she speaks.

Stephen- I’m just gonna call him Adam Goldberg.

Chris D.- her tongue was hanging out as she sang some dumb poem for her.

West- he tells her he killed his first wife but asks her not to hold it against him.

Anthony- pees on the limo before introducing himself to her.

Rob- has hair that looks like CH’s hair.

Ames- asked her if she minded if he was a girl like her. Then he gave her ballet tickets and asked her where she buys her tampons.

Matt- teaches her some dumb handshake that I did with my grandpa when I was 5.

Jeff- the dude wears a mask! That I think he stole from my son’s toy box!

Ben F.- brings her wine glasses. And a bottle of wine that has already been opened!

Frank- he bores me the minute he picks her up. And doesn’t put her down.

Michael- he’s dull too. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Chris M.- he’s from Canada.

Ryan M.- looks like Bree Van de Camp’s son. And he’s gay just like Andrew. He even admits he wants a picture of CH. But I won’t hold that against him too much. Don’t we all want our picture taken with him?

J.P.- seems like a nice guy. He’s my fave so far.

Nick- has a poem for her. She laughs at it like she’s laughed at everything (and nothing) else all night.

Blake- dull

Bentley- he’s as big of a jack ass as her friend warned her he was.

Constantine- another snore fest, he ties dental floss around her finger. You know, cause she’s a “dentist.”

Her first one on one is with Ryan P. He apologizes for being such a nerd before telling her his job resume about solar panels. Wait a minute- he did not apologize for being a nerd. I was praying he would though because he’s so dorky!

Then she sits sown with the winemaker. I am jealous. I want to drink some wine with this guy. Even if he is as gay as he looks.

We’re only 50 minutes in and I’m already bored. Where is the guy with the mask?!

Oh goody- some mama’s boy misses his mom so much he needs to call her on his first date with her. Before she cuts the umbilical cord, mama says that Ashley needs to remember to use a condom with her sonny while in the fantasy suite.

Some other douche throws away a perfectly good guitar while pretending to play to steal her away.

Yes- the Mask is back! He is bothering the other guys. Especially the drunk, Tim. And when did Crosby from Parenthood arrive? I guess it doesn’t matter- Crosby doesn’t like the mask either. I think it’s great though! Imagine if the first date you had with your husband, he wore a mask the whole time? Now imagine your husband STILL wearing a mask all the time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Ben C., the que card writer, tells her via poster board that he wants to talk to her. Ashley dumps the dentist and the other guy to go have some alone time with him.

Prince William impersonates celebrities to win her over. My bet is he will get the first impression rose.

Tim pukes all over her during their one one one. Which really offends Lucas who has never had a drop of alcohol before. But Tim takes a little nap before having a convo with the Mask again which involves dancing and coats coming off. Ashely gathers a bunch of the other guys to help her dump him. I can’t wait to see him at the MTA! Ashley sends him off in the reject van and starts to clap in excitement once he’s gone before realizing that the cameras are still on her before faking frown like she’s sad.

The Mask is glad Tim is gone. He grabs Ashley for some alone time. To explain why he’s wearing a mask. Which I still don’t understand. I think it had something to do with Phantom of the Opera being his favorite show or something.

First impression rose finally gets passed out to Ryan P. followed seconds later by CH banging his champagne glass of dome for Ashley to pass out the rest of the first impression roses- because let’s be honest. Aren’t they all that the first night?

After a lengthy discussion/time filler of a convo with CH, Ashley gives the rest of the roses to:

Jeff the Mask

Constantine

Ben F.

Lucas

Stephen

Matt

Nick

Chris D.

Ryan M.

Blake

Mickey

Ben C.

West

Prince William

J.P.

Ames

Bentley

Which means that going home with drunk Tim is Jon, Frank, Michael, Anthony, and Rob.

Tune in next week (at 8:00 instead of 9:00) to see if The Mask revels his face. If anyone else feels the need to get trashed just being around her. If CH will wear the shirt the that matches his beautiful baby blues perfectly again like he did last season. If I can stay awake till 10:00 and get my recap up on time. In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves in the comment section. J.P. is my #1 pick at this point. What do you think?