Ashley Episode 9 Rcap

The show opens with a scenic pictures of Fiji, including an erupting geyser which I think is symbolism and foreshadowing at it’s finest! Welcome to the over night dates!

Ashley arrives in “the ‘parfact’ place to fall in love” via a tiny airplane and an even tinier mini skirt, half shirt/tank top combo. She recaps her “journey” with each of the three remaining men. We hear Ashley’s voice over of her thoughts on these guys while looking out over her balcony wearing her trademark off the shoulder shirt and then writing in her journal in her hotel room. I imagine the entry looked something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. JP

Ashley and Constantine’s twin- true love always

Constantine and Ashley Georgio

Before she can dot her i’s with hearts, there is a knock at the door and Ryan is there to boost the ratings in an otherwise dull season. It would have been shocking if it weren’t for the previews of this very moment being shown the whole season.

The two “it’s great to see you again” for five minutes before they remember they have nothing to say to each other. Ryan uses this lull to express his love for her even though he’s met with the same silence he was on every date they went on together. Ryan takes the lack of words to be a good sign and goes off to his own room, expecting a knock on the door from her soon with a bottle of wine and a forgo card from CH.

1st Over Night Date: Ben

Ashley greets Ben wearing a red bikini top and a white sheet wrapped around her waist. The pair hop aboard a boat to lounge around on colorful throw pillows that the ABC intern arranged earlier and recap their hometown date per ABC’s “over night date script.” Then they lotion each other up with sunscreen like they are in a cheesy romantic movie. They snorkel while holding on to life jackets instead of actually wearing them.

Then they retire to the evening portion of the date for dinner on a sandy beach. Ashley really dresses up by wearing her tie-died beach cover up. She leaves her smokey eyes at home to stuff her face while Ben tells her he’s in love with her. As Ashley sums it up, it was “parfact.” Before the night is over, Ashley pulls out the forgo card from CH. Ben demonstrates he knows how to read and that he’s straight as he accepts the key to the fantasy suite.

2nd Over Night Date: Constantine

My first thought at the start of this date is “I wonder what Ryan is doing? Is he out whoring it up with CH? Is he sitting by his phone, waiting for Ashley to call?” But before I can formulate possible answers to these questions, I see Ashley and a million new questions flood my brain. The first of which is “what the fuck is she wearing?!?!” The outfit looks like a pair of shorts from my six year old daughter’s dresser, they are so short. But sadly, the shorts are the best part of the ensemble. Her white tank top laces up the middle and ties in front like a shoelace. This is all going on right next to two big ruffly things. It is also so short it barely covers her non-boobs. I’m so embarrassed for her, I can hardly watch. However, I spot my first helicopter of the season (how is that possible?) and the two head off to see the island from above.

Someone from ABC has heard my question of “I wonder what Ryan is doing” and has the helicopter pilot (I wonder if it’s Jake?) fly over him so I can see him digging for seashells in the sandbar. While he tells the camera that he wants to see Ashley again, she is busy plugging her nose and praying her swim suit doesn’t fall off while cliff diving with Constantine next to a beautiful waterfall.

For the night portion of their date, Ashley and Constantine head to dinner at the hotel. They toast each other with white wine that Ashley defines as “sweet.” Constantine corrects her.

Constantine: “It’s fruity, not sweet. Ben told me that.”

Ashley: “Is that weird? That you and your twin are dating the same girl?”

Constantine: “He’s not my twin. Just a friend who looks freakishly like me. I made him cut his hair so it’d help you tell us apart. Has it helped? I mean, last night when you were in bed with him, did you accidentally yell out my name?”

Ashley: “Whatever. Here’s the forgo card from CH. Do you wanna come back to my room or not?”

Constantine basically tells Ashley that since he’s not head over heels in love with her, he can’t accept the forgo card. Before we can see Ashley’s head explode, the President of the USA cuts in to tell us this never would have happened had Emily been the Bachelorette. Or something about the national debt. Never mind, I fast forward. And I just have to say, in FFx4, Obama’s head looked like a bobble head doll. Anyway, moving on...

Constantine tells Ashley it’s the end of the road for them before leaving Ashley to stew in her low self esteem while reading CH’s forgo card. She accepts and goes to the fantasy suite by herself.

Now that Constantine is gone, ABC has time to let Ashley break Ryan’s heart a second time in as many weeks on camera once again. She struts over to Ryan’s villa (why did he get a huge villa and Constantine only got a tiny one room deal?) to dump him like a ton of bricks. They “Ash” and “Ry” each other before finally really saying goodbye (again) so Ashley can go french braid her hair to get ready for her date with JP.

3rd Over Night Date: JP

Ashley meets JP in a field on the opposite side of a forest wearing this episode’s trademark half shirt and some daisy dukes. JP emerges from the trees; they hug and kiss and “I’ve missed you” before climbing aboard a water plane. They basically get the same tour of the island Ashley did with Constantine only instead of a helicopter, they are on a sea plane. Ashley sums it up by calling it “parfact.” They head to their own private island so just the two of them can be together. And by “private” and “just the two of them,” I mean Ashley, JP, the producers, the 15 cameramen, the plane pilot (I wonder if it’s Jake?), the ABC intern, and the boom mike guy.

For the night part of their date, the duo heads to a picnic on the beach. Again, Ashley leaves the smokey eyeshadow and her pants at her hotel room. She tricks JP into thinking he’s the last guy standing by telling him she’s said goodbye to two guys this week. She first pretends that she’s the one who let Constantine go because she wasn't’ feeling it with him, even though he’s the one who left because she couldn’t tell the difference between him and his twin. Then Ashley tells JP about Ryan coming back. JP thinks she’s talking about Bentley at first so Ashley uses that opportunity to bring up his name again. Then she pulls out the forgo card. JP silently thanks CH before heading back to the fantasy suite to close the deal.

Rose Ceremony

I gotta say, I am laughing that she was even going to do a rose ceremony tonight. But I realize they must fill the time with something and since Emily wouldn’t come back to do a second interview, we have to watch Ashley have a sit down with CH in the rain. They recap each date we just saw. My mind wanders to what that phallic shaped sculpture behind them is.

CH goes off to practice counting to two while Ashley places Constantine’s picture face down. She joins CH to pass out the roses to JP and Ben. Kinda anti-climatic but that’s par for the course this season. Ryan (again) and Constantine are headed back to the U.S. without a rose. Ashley gets ready to introduce the two remaining guys to her family. And that’s where we end week 9.

Next SUNDAY is the Men Tell All special. I doubt I’ll recap it as it should be called “The Men Tell Nothing” special. I’ll also not be recapping the finale next Monday, Aug. 1 since I’ll most likely be watching it with each of you and you can hear my snarky comments first hand.

Don’t forget that Bachelor Pad starts in two weeks on Monday, Aug. 8. Thanks all for reading my blog through this pretty boring season. For the two of you that took the time to comment, thank you so much! It means more to me than you know and more to me than it should. I’ll be back in the fall to recap the Bachelor. Who do you think it will be? My money is on Constantine. Until then...

Ashley Episode 8 Recap

The show opens with Ashley back in the USA. She’s back at home in which the ABC intern spent hours rearranging the furniture to make her studio apartment look bigger than the 400 square feet it is. Through sneaky camera angles designed to make her kitchen look spacious (it isn’t), we learn that Ashley likes her coffee black or that she drinks flat Coke out of a coffee mug. We also hear her wax poetic about each of the remaining guys. I fast forward through the obvious time filler.

1st Hometown: Constantine- Cumming, GA

Constantine dresses up for the big reunion with Ashley by donning his green t-shirt and gray hoodie. They meet 500 feet apart on a grassy knoll before running into each other’s arms and spewing things like “I’m so happy to see you!”, “It’s great to be home,” “You look fantastic,” “I’ve missed you,” and “I can’t wait to see what we’re doing today!”

They sit down on a picnic table in the mist while Ashley plays with her bangs and Constantine asks her if 1990 wants it’s blazer back. The pair heads to Constantine’s family’s restaurant to make pizza and salad. The wait staff spys on their “date” while Constantine and Ashley talk about love and family and everything else the producers have put in their “Hometown Date Week Scripts.”

Next stop is Constantine’s parents’ house. His sister, who looks just like Ashley, is there too. The mom doubts if they can truly be in love in such a short amount of time. She also voices concerns over true love in exotic settings verse day to day home life. Obviously Constantine gets his smarts from her.

The dad sits down with Constantine to discuss someone named “Ester” and basically said the same things as the mom- if he’s happy, they are happy for him. But true love takes time. I love this family!

Just as Ashley and Constantine are getting ready to leave, his whole extended family shows up for a “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reunion. They dance and “opa!” while the uncle starts throwing dollar bills around like he’s at the local strip club with CH.

2nd Hometown: Ames- Chadds Ford, PA

Ashley has ditched her 1980’s wardrobe for the disco era. She greets Ames on a horse farm wearing bell bottom jeans, a bright red long blouse belted at the waist, and a flowy white cardigan sweater. They waste no time alone together and go right to meet his sister, brother, mother, and their families. Ames and his family talk about their adventure and travels while Ashley sits there like a mute. Finally, big sister Serena pulls Ashley aside to grill her.

Serena: “I’m cutting right to the chase. Ames clearly has feelings for you. How do you feel about him? Are you ok with being his beard? And don’t bullshit me. I’m just as smart as my brother and will see through any lies.”

Ashley: “Well I’m not gonna lie. Our relationship has moved slower than some of the others. But he’s so nice!”

Serena: “This is getting serious. You’re meeting families now. Nieces and nephews.”

Ashley: “Your kids are so cute!”

Serena: “He’s a romantic. I’ve seen him with other girls. And other boys too. I think he’s smitten with you. You better not screw with him.”

Ashely: “I can’t wait to get to know him. I mean, I want to know more. Tell me about his dad. And I hope it’s a sad story ending in death. That’s the theme this season in case you didn’t read the script ABC sent over ahead of time.”

Serena: “We are a family of over achievers. Of course we read the script. In fact, we’ve improved on it. We have two dead dads! Do any of the other guys have that? I didn’t think so!”

Finally the conversation between Serena and Ashley ends and Ames takes her on a picnic under a magnolia tree. Ames shares his views on romance: find the extraordinary in the ordinary. Then they take a carriage ride along the river. I think I fall in love with Ames a little bit.

3rd Hometown Date: Ben- Sonoma, CA

The two meet and skip off to Ben’s winery to taste some wine after spewing things like “I’m so happy to see you!”, “It’s great to be home,” “You look fantastic,” “I’ve missed you,” and “I can’t wait to see what we’re doing today!” They eat a picnic per ABC’s contract in the rain on the wet front porch floor while Ashley plays with her bangs. As Ben talks more and more on this date, the more he reminds me of Spencer from iCarly. When they are done eating their snack and drinking their wine, they leave their dirty plates on the porch of the stranger’s house they intruded upon and head to Ben’s mom’s house to have dinner with his mom and sister Julia. This family and the rest of the date is so boring and dull I fall asleep for a bit. Luckily, I wake up in time for:

4th Hometown Date: JP- Roslyn, NY

Ashley recycles the belted blouse look for her date with JP. They reunite while spewing things like “I’m so happy to see you!”, “It’s great to be home,” “You look fantastic,” “I’ve missed you,” and “I can’t wait to see what we’re doing today!” He takes her to a roller rink where the pair goes back to 7th grade. They put their hands in each other’s back pockets while skating under the disco ball to a bad REO Speedwagon remake before making out in the middle of the rink while the DJ announces a “couples only” skate. Man, I miss skating rinks.

Next, they go to meet JP’s family. I’m pretty sure the house was built by the same guy who built my house, as it looks the exact same on the outside. Inside, they greet JP’s family before immediately digging right in to some yummy looking lasagna. There is a lot of talk about carbs but I can’t focus because my mouth is watering. Someone get me that recipe!

After dinner, mom pulls JP outside to grill him. She expresses doubt about their “relationship” and the process. I can tell mom doesn’t like it. Again, the rest of the date is so boring. I have to go get some wine and end up missing the rest. Something tells me I really didn’t miss much though.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley puts on her smokey eyes, super short/tight backless mini dress, long earrings, and CFM pumps for the rose ceremony. CH dons his gray Wal-mart suit and doesn’t bat an eye even though he desperately needs a haircut as he sits down to his pow-wow with the bachelorette. He knows he’s not the most foolish looking one in the room.

CH doesn’t pass up the opportunity to needle Ashley a bit by reminding her that the last time they sat in the room was to cancel the cocktail party due to Bentley. Ashley pretends to have forgotten who Chris is talking about, we pretend we believe she’s really over him and CH and her rehash each hometown date to death before CH goes off to practice counting to 3.

Roses go to Ben, JP, and Constantine which means that Ames is returning to his nice normal family in Chadds Ford, PA alone.

So that’s where we end week 8 of this journey. How many times did you fall asleep? Is this season a huge bore to anyone else? Who else thinks sending Ames home tonight was a mistake only second to keeping Bentley around as long as she did? Who else is glad for Ames in dodging the Ashley bullet? Sound off in the comments and I’ll see you next week in Fiji! (Also, a quick scheduling note to share- next Monday, July 25 will be the overnight dates. Then the MTA is on Sunday, July 31. The finale is set for Monday, Aug. 1. Set those DVRs now and I will see you next week!)

Ashley Episode 7 Recap

Ashley welcomes us to the show wearing a Mexican inspired skirt and welcoming us to the “hidden jewel of Asia”, Taiwan. When I was little, dolls often came with tags with their name on it. I got a doll for my 3rd birthday with a tag that said, “Made in Taiwan.” Even though my parents swore that wasn’t her name, that’s what I called the doll. Come to think of it, that doll looked exactly like Ashley!

The six remaining men use flip-cams to record their journey from Hong Kong to Taiwan. The money ABC saved by not having actual cameramen go along allowed them to pay the ABC intern who majored in geography and graphic design to once again show us a cartoon airplane flying across a cartoon map from Hong Kong to Taiwan. The guys check in to their Taiwanese hotel to be welcomed by CH. His shirt is the exact piercing blue color as his eyes. He tells them from a mile away (why was he standing so far away?) that hometowns are coming up as if no one knows the format of the show. I think he also mumbles something about them all being so dull that this week’s episode will be cut short for him to have a visit with everyone’s real first choice for the bachelorette, Emily. I definitely hear Ashley crying tears of low self esteem. CH drops the first date card and makes like a Catholic and pulls out.

1st Date: “Let your love light shine.” Constantine

Ashley picks him up for their date wearing her new favorite jeggings, high heels, and a backless tank top. She hands him a train ticket and pushes him onto a busy subway station platform to “take him out of town.” I’m slightly confused... isn’t that why they are in Taiwan? Isn’t that “out of town” enough? They head to a tiny village for a lantern festival. They each paint their wishes on a paper lantern. Rumor has it, after they set the lanterns free, their wishes come true.

Over dinner, Ashley asks Constantine if he’s waiting till the hometown dates to fall in love. He tells her he’s waiting till he feels it. Where did he come from? I think this guy’s the smartest bachelor ever! He asks her why she’s attracted to him. She gushes about how he’s exactly what she’s always looked for in the looks department. Apparently she likes guys who look exactly like Josh Groban. You can tell she’s way more into him than he is to her. They finish eating and set their wish lantern into the night before making out under all the lanterns. All I could think of was the movie Tangled and got to thinking that Ashley could grow her hair out a little more and look just like Repunzal. Throw down your hair!

2nd Date: “Let’s spend a ‘gorges’ day together in Taiwan.” Ben

Ames reads the date card aloud to the guys when it arrives. He points out that Ashley doesn’t know how to spell “gorgeous.” I think the ABC intern is getting a pay cut for not spell checking better!

Ashley continues the trend of not wearing a bra on her dates as she meets Constantine’s twin to explore the park on a moped. Ben clearly ignores the “one way” arrow on the street and drives head on into traffic. I thought he was trying to put them both out of their misery but unfortunately, the wine maker is really just that dumb. He sweet talks Ashley the whole ride and she eats it up with a spoon! Ben then informs the camera with the straightest, most dead-pan face that he’s “genuinely happy.”

For the night portion of their date, Ashley wears a bright green one shoulder tank and black mini skirt/tu-tu. Her hair is in a 1980’s side pony and her heels are 5 inches. They talk about hometown dates per her contract agreement on all the dates this week. Ben tells her his feelings for her are growing. I’m sure that’s not the only thing of his that’s growing. They kiss next to a huge pool. I silently hoped he’s throw her in. No such luck...

3rd Date: “I’m grooming you for the big day.” Lucas, Ames, and JP

Ashley takes the boys to have wedding photos taken. Somehow, to Ashley, this translates to letting her know what it’d be like to be married to each of them. But first she dresses them up in dorky tuxes and Asian attire while she dons a super padded bra (did you see how big her boobs looked?!?) and a kimono before humiliating them further by having them pretend to take wedding pictures with her. I’m betting none of these guys (ok, maybe Ames), like most males, even cares about real wedding pictures. But they are all good sports and play along with Ashley’s delusional fantasy.

For the night part of the group date, Ashley wears her new signature color of green in a mini dress. She grills Lucas about his ex and getting married again before dancing with him to no music. Then Ames shares embarrassing childhood pictures of himself with her. Oh yeah, and he’s wearing pink pants. Pink pants!!!! JP admits he’s feeling jealous. He bitches about the nature of the show; she reassures him by giving him the date rose.

4th Date: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei.” Ryan

Ashley greets Ryan wearing a backward cape blouse that is open in the back. Once again, she foregoes the bra. I guess they are optional in Taiwan. They walk thru an outdoor temple where hundreds of locals are praying. I’m sure ABC insulted thousands of Asians by being there. Ryan babbles on throughout their whole date. He’s so busy talking about everything and nothing that he doesn’t even notice Ashley’s negative body language. Their conversation goes a little like this:

Ryan: “Ok, so this is a weird, loaded question...”

Ashley: “Are you going to ask me if I slept with the other guys yet? It was only Bentley and I’m so over him now so it doesn’t count.”

Ryan: “No....”

Ashley: “Oh it must be why I don’t wear bras anymore then. The ABC intern lost my bra suitcase on the trip from Hong Kong to Taiwan. I will wear a bra when I meet the parents. Well, not your parents, but everyone else’s rents.”

Ryan: “Actually, I was gonna ask you what you do for the environment.”

Ashley: “Oh that! That’s easy. Everyone always talks about being ‘green’ now so I bought all these cool new shirts and dresses in green and that’s my new favorite color!”

Ryan: “I meant do you recycle?”

Ashley: “Well I do now! I was dating this guy once and he dumped me because I threw away a plastic bottle. I vowed never to do that again.”

Then Ryan tries to sell her one of his environmentally friendly water heaters. He drones on and on boring everyone. Ashley finally pulls the plug and puts us all out of our misery by sending him packing. Oh Ryan, you should have tried selling yourself buddy, instead of a green water heater. Since the reject van wasn’t on stand-by, Ryan walks aimlessly around the city, hiding behind bushes to curse, cry, and have his panic attack. Ashley meanwhile feeds some ducks and tries to keep her backward cape shirt from blowing in the win and revealing her braless chest.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley sits down with CH and announces she doesn’t need a cocktail party. She already knows who else she’s sending home. CH informs the guys and goes off to his corner to practice counting to three. JP already has a rose. The other three go to Constantine, Ben, and Ames. Which means Lucas is joining Ryan in the reject taxi back to the airport. Maybe Ryan will have better luck selling his shit to Lucas?

So that’s where we end the week (sorry, I could not possibly recap that painful chat between Emily and CH. After CH was gesturing and Emily thought he was reaching for her hand, I was almost too embarrassed to even watch!). So what do you think? How many times did Ashley pronounce “perfect” as “parfact”? Does JP only own one pair of brown shoes that he wears with every suit, regardless of suit color? Does he own a tie? Does Ashley own a bra? Does she even need one? Who else thinks CH is about to throttle her? Who else wants to throttle her? Comment below and I’ll see you next week!

Ashley Episode 6 Recap

Episode opens with flashbacks of Bentley. In the first 30 seconds his name is mentioned no less than 17 times. I decide to keep track. Luckily for me, CH helps me out later but flashing the number 4315 on a piece of paper to Ashley. I assume that was the number of times his name had been brought up. Or else it was a dare to see if Ashley could tell the camera she was over him that many times tonight (she’s not).

Ashley welcomes us to Hong Kong by telling us it’s a perfect place to fall in love. She stands completely still in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the city as it moves around her. But she’s busy thinking about Bentley so she hardly notices.

As Ashley walks around the city pining for Ronald McDonald wearing her off the shoulder blouse and jeggings, CH welcomes the men to Hong Kong on the top of some building wearing a button down shirt the exact color of his eyes, jeans, and what appeares to be Cousin Eddie white shoes? He tells the guys that the 1st date card is in their hotel room and before any questions can be asked about how the roses work, he makes like the devil and gets the hell out of there.

Ashley sits in her $700 a night hotel room pouting about ol’ Ronny while the 8 remaining men run to their room to find the 1st date card. Meanwhile, CH has had enough of Ashley’s whining over this jackass and has taken matters into his own hands. After conferring with the ABC intern that Bentley is indeed in China, CH marches down to Ashley’s room to drop the bomb. Ashley opens the door to find a pissed off Harrison standing there.

Ashley: “What are you doing here Chris?”

CH: “Don’t be scared.”

Ashley: “I figured you’d be at the local strip club by now. What’s up?”

CH: “It’s all good. Don’t worry.”

Ashley: “Oh crap! Did Emily call you guys up now that she and Brad split up? Does she want to be the Bachelorette now? Are you here to tell me I’m being replaced?”

CH: “Calm down. I’m just here to let you know we’ve got Bentley here to squash your heart. Put your foolishness to rest. So put on your smokey eyeshadow and get down to his room to talk to him. We didn’t fly this jackass half way around the world for there to be no drama!”

CH slips her a piece of paper with #4315 written on it. Is this Bentley’s room number or the number of times Ashley says she’s over him (she’s not)?

Ashley and her see-thru shirt and high heels march down to Ronald McDonald’s room where she forces her way into his room and forces him to kiss her. They talk about her mosquito bites, his daughter’s dumb name, how much she misses him, and the dot, dot, dot.

They have a confusing conversation, speaking all in code. Bentley basically tells her the dot, dot, dot is gone and this is their period. There are so many uncomfortable silences in the hotel room that I feel like I am watching Frank and his ex again. Where is my purple comforter where I need it?

1st Date: “Let’s Find Our Good Fortune on the Streets of Hong Kong” for Lucas.

Ashley picks up Lucas in her shoulderless shirt to take him to a weird street fair. They walk through a flea market like she did with Constantine and Constantine’s twin. The producers are getting lazy!

The duo climb aboard a sailboat to eat plates of huge cauliflower and broccoli and drink champagne. They talk about Lucas’s ex-wife while the rest of the men back at the hotel discuss their chances of a one on one among the guys. Lucas and Ashley’s date is so boring and painful to watch so I fast forward to her giving him the rose and him giving her a big wet kiss.

2nd Date: “Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing” for Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames, and Blake. Which means that even though Ryan and Blake have not had a one on one date yet, she’s giving the last one on one of Hong Kong to JP even though he’s already had one.

Ashley takes the boys dragon boat racing. She splits them up into three groups to compete against each other. As far as I can tell, there is no prize for winning.

Constantine and his twin are the blue team, Blake and Ryan are the red team, and Ames and Mickey are the black team. However, these men are so weak, they can’t drive these boats by themselves, especially once Ashley and her big drum climb aboard too. So they must recruit strangers to help them.

Somehow, the guys convince the locals to help them row. Ashley sits in one of the boats beating a drum while they all act as if this race is the one to get the final rose. Finally, after much fan-fare, Ames and Mickey win. Which means nothing as far as I can tell. While the six guys and Ashley sit on the beach discussing the moot race, a Chinese couple gets engaged a few feet away. I thought for sure that would send Ashley’s insecurities over the edge. But sadly no.

Instead, they all retire to a hotel roof top. Ames pulls her aside first. As soon as they are alone, Ashley shoves her tongue down his throat. You know, to prove she’s over Bentley (she’s not). She demands to know where that came from but before Ames can remind her that she’s the one who did it and that he clearly likes boys, she does it to him again.

Ashley then makes out with Ben, to also prove again that she’s over Bentley (she’s not), before finally giving the date rose to Ryan. This causes the rest of the guys to go into meltdown mode like a popsicle on a hot summer day! Of course Ryan accepts the rose.

3rd Date: “Let’s Take a Peek Into the Future” for JP.

Ashley dons her same jeggings and oversized see-thru blouse that she wore to see Bentley for her date with JP, only this time she also adds some DWTS high heeled shoes too. Because, you know, heels are the perfect footwear to wear to the beach which is where the pair heads for a picnic. Is it just me, or are these dates getting lamer and lamer?

As they drink out of tiny ramekins, Ashley asks JP when the last time he’s cried is. He admits it’s when his ex dumped him. He also says that he’s falling for her so Ashley thinks that she needs to tell him about Bentley. She brags to JP that she’s over Bentley (she’s not). JP doesn’t know what to say so he thanks her before kissing her to get her to shut up about Bentley already. He obviously gets the date rose. And we learn that JP stands for Jordan Paul. I think I liked him better before I knew that. They board a rickety train which takes them to the top of a mountain. They share a bottle of champagne and make out at the last train station on the line.

Rose Ceremony

Did Ashley get a boob job while in China? That dress is showing more cleavage than she has! Maybe that is what gives her the confidence to share with all the guys that she’s finally over Bentley (she’s not). She drops the news on the men and is met with complete silence before Constantine calls her out on lying to him on their one on one date about being in a good place. Ashley glances nervously around in hopes that CH will show up now with his champagne glass of doom to save her but he’s still at the local strip club nursing his vodka tonic. He knows he’s gonna need it to deal with Ashley later. So since CH doesn’t come in to save her ass, Ashley excuses herself to cry in a corner. The men sit together and cry about it too.

Ryan takes this opportunity to swoop in and comfort Ashley. He learned how to handle these situations in an entrepreneural class he took back home. He successfully defuses the bomb that is Ashley while the men all bitch about the situation like they didn’t know what they were signing up for when they went on this show. This Bentley business upsets them more than the fact that Ashley gave the group date date rose to Ryan!

Ames does make her feel a little better though, telling her that he understands. Afterall, he fell for Bentley a little bit too. But he’s over him now as well (he’s not either).

Mickey isn’t as understanding though. He tells Ashley that honestly is the #1 most important thing to him and he feels she lied. He begs her to send him home. But she doesn’t want to look like the bad guy so she tells him that if he doesn’t want to be there that he needs to be the one to leave. Before the sentence is even out of her mouth, Mickey is on a boat back to Cleveland.

Ashley heads back to the guys to cry. Before her melt down gets too out of control, Ashley runs off to find CH. But damn it- he’s still at the strip club. After the ABC intern frantically calls him 23 times, begging him to return and clean up the train wreck that is Ashley, he finally arrives to help pick up the pieces he so carefully had a hand in helping scatter.

Not even two minutes into their sit down, Ashley is playing with her bangs and crying to CH about how hard it is. CH tries to hide his smirk and resists the urge to 1.) say “that’s what she said” and 2.) slap her and tell her to pull it together. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s had it with her shit and is ready to jump on that boat with Mickey. Instead he instructs her to suck it up and go pass out the other three roses of the night. He’s been practicing counting all day.

Ryan, Lucas, and JP already have roses. The other three go to Ben, Constantine, and Ames. Joining Mickey on the raft back to the USA is Blake.

So that is where we end week 6 of our “journey” to find love. Do you think Ashley is any closer to finding it than she was at the start? Do you think she’s really over Bentley? (She’s not). Do you even like any of the remaining men? Is anyone else so proud of Mickey? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section and come back next week to find out who makes it to the overnight dates in Fuji!

Ashley Episode 5 Recap

Tonight’s show opens with flashbacks of Ronald McDonald complimenting Ashley by saying things like:

“I’m definitely done on the Ashley front.”

And:

“Things could have turned out differently if the bachelorette was Emily.”

Before reliving Ashley talking to her purple comforter, we also hear Ashley’s voice over saying that Shanghai is the perfect place to fall in love even though she said last week that Phuket was the perfect place to fall in love. I’m guessing it didn’t happen for her in Phuket so she’s hoping for better luck in a different part of Asia.

CH doesn’t even put in any face time as we see the remaining men board a Thai Greyhound bus as the ABC intern puts his mad graphic/geography skills to used once again to show a cartoon airplane flying across a cartoon map from Phuket to Chiang Mai. As I watch this unfold, the only thing going through my mind is “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map. I’m the map! Where do we need to go to help Ashley find love?” (Pause) “That’s right! First to Phuket’s airport. Next to Chiang Mai where we need to defeat the evil douchebag Bentley, before arriving at the final rose ceremony!”

Ames sums up Chiang Mai best by describing it as a city with beautiful monks wearing nothing but salmon colored silk robes. What better city to fall in love in? For a gay guy...

The guys finally arrive to be greeted by CH wearing all beige linen. He welcomes them to their private villa as if he owned the place (maybe he does?). He tells them to explore before dropping the first date card and making like an airplane and taking off for the nearest Chiang Mai strip club.

First date: Ben F. “Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai.”

Ashley picks him up in a crazy scooter/taxi where they ride around the city before ending up in another Thailand flea market. They harass some Chiang Mai locals like she did with his twin in Phuket before painting some paper umbrellas together. Ashley is worried it is going to rain the whole time they are in Chiang Mai like it did the whole time they were in Phuket and she forgot to pack her umbrella.

The night portion of the date takes place in the middle of an alien crop circle where the ABC intern has set up a nice picnic. Ben F. talks about how his bestie from middle school and him always said they wanted to learn how to make wine. It started out in high school as an easy way to get drunk and ended up being a reality in college as a way to get laid.

Ben F. drops the “my dad just died” card on Ashley. She looks to the sky to see if their is a rainbow and the ABC intern quickly runs up to her and whispers in her ear that Cape Cod Chris is now engaged to that slightly odd sounding Peyton chic from Andy Baldwin’s season and to move on. ABC has already milked that storyline to death. So instead Ashley plays with her braided rope bracelet that she obviously stole from me in Hilton Head 27 years ago. She gives him the rose and he accepts before they watch a weird Asian belly dancer show while kissing.

Seond date: Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas (who?), Ryan, JP, and Mickey

Ashley takes another opportunity to show off her great abs and tiny sports bra by taking the boys to learn how to Thai box. The guys all take off their shirts to show off their great abs and I shove another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth thinking that I will start to make my abs great tomorrow. After taping up their hands, they all start punching the shit out of little Thai boys. Ames thinks these boys there for a different reason but Ashley is too busy noticing all the nice abs to realize that Ames is more interested in the locals than her. Then the men all have to pick a color of a boxing uniform to “fight” in. Ames picks pink. They pile into the back of a pickup truck and get carted off to an illegal boxing ring. The guys all pretend that 1.) they know what Thai boxing is and 2.) they’ve seen it on TV. They hop in a ring and box just the way we do here in America.

Blake vs. Lucas: win goes to Blake.

Mickey vs. JP: win goes to JP.

Ames vs. Ryan: win goes to Ryan.

Constantine vs. Nick: win goes to Ben F.’s twin.

But Ashley doesn’t even stick around to watch the last fight because she knows Ames isn’t right. She’s a dentist (kinda) afterall- she’s like practically a doctor!

While Ames’s hot pink wrapped pedicured feet are being wheeled down a Thai hospital hallway, Ashley is busy getting ready for the night part of her group date. She puts on a super short kool-lot unitard and does a side braid with her hair. I was hoping she’d rock the side bang braid but Michelle Money couldn’t fly all the way to Chiang Mai to do it for her.

Ashley pulls Ryan aside first to ask him why he beat up Ames. He points out that he has a bruise on his eye. Then Ames finally arrives at the party after the doctors fixed his broken finger nail. He’s traded in his hot pink shorts for some tight, white pants and deck shoes.

Ashley immediately pulls Ames aside for some one on one time. She has instructions from CH and the ABC legal team to make sure he isn’t going to sue. He assures her he is not suing but tells her he has a concussion, he’s mildly (or was it wildly?) in love, and that she is wearing way too much eye shadow.

The rest of the date is pretty boring. Lucas feels her butt up while she begs for some attention asks for a golf lesson. But the date rose goes to Blake.

Third Date: “Guide Me to Love” William and Ben C.

The three go to some Tom Sawyer raft. Ashley makes the boys do all the work and row her lazy ass down the river while she sits there like a queen. They finally arrive at a picnic. The first alone time goes to William who immediately throws Ben C. under the bus by telling Ashley that he wants to go home to dating web sites. Ashley goes into her self destructive low self-esteem mode and questions the ABC intern if he knows if the guys are all there for the “right reasons” or not.

Ashley: “Are you sure they all like me?!?!?”

ABC intern: “Sure, whatever. Can I go back with CH at the strip club now?”

Ashley: “No! I need to make sure they’re not disappointed that I’m not Emily. Can you help me out? Maybe sneak into their rooms and read their diaries for me?”

ABC intern: “Look, I didn’t blab to you when Bentley said he’d rather date a piece of lint than you. I obviously can’t share. Please let me get back to CH and my vodka tonic!”

So instead, Ashley decides to trust William and sends Ben C. home on the reject raft without even talking to him about William’s accusations. This time some Thai men have to paddle his ass across the water. He contemplates that it’s too bad that his flash mob partner doesn’t feel the same way about him that he feels about her. But we don’t hear all he’s saying because he’s too busy typing his match.com profile on his iphone while William and Ashley ride around on elephants and a “navigator” grabs Ben C.’s bags from the men’s villa.

For the night portion of their date, Ashley wears her red and black zebra dress and takes William to an outdoor picnic which appears to be back at the Bachelor villa in LA. Ashley realizes that even though she enjoyed their first date, the spark with William is gone. So he doesn't get the rose either. But he too gets a free van ride back to the airport and the U.S. of A. Then Ashley picks up the date rose and throws it into the fire. I hoped her insecurities would get burned up too but no such luck.

Rose Ceremony:

Ashley’s head is not in the right place. Probably because of that crazy tight high pony and smokey eye shadow. Or maybe because all the guys are losers and don’t really like her. After all, she’s not Emily. She’s also still in love with Bentley and can’t get him out of her mind.

Finally CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom to whisk Ashley away to have a sit down.

CH: “Ok, sit down and tell me what you are feeling. You over that A-hole yet?”

Ashley: “I can’t get Bentley out of my mind.”

CH: “Him? Again? Seriously? Still?”

Ashley: “He said ‘dot, dot, dot’ Chris! There was no period!”

CH: “Look, do I need to make a phone call or what? Quit your whining and let me know. I’ve never worked so hard for my paycheck as I am with you!”

Ashley: “You can do that Chris? Really?”

CH: “Have you seen my eyes Ashley? They are magic. Now tell me what to do. The ice in my scotch is melting.”

Ashley: “Get that ABC intern on the phone Chris. Tell him to call up Ronald McDonald and find out if his daughter is really named Cozy or what!”

In the meantime, Ashley goes to pass out some more roses. Blake and Ben F. already have roses. The rest go to:

Constantine

Lucas (again, who?)

JP

Ames

Mickey

Ryan

Going home in the reject van with Ben C. and William is Nick. The three of them practice their flash mob dance they will perform at the Men Tell All special.

So that’s where we end week 5. Anyone else think Bentley was coming back tonight and watched just to see his ugly mug bash her ugly mug? Oh well... gives me an excuse to watch next week. See you then!

Ashley Episode 4 Recap

CH welcomes us back to another episode of the Bachelorette by telling the boys to join him at the mansion where he recaps how the dates go on this show for 102nd time. He doesn’t drop the first date card on the coffee table though! Instead, he tells the guys they are going to Phuket, Thailand. I mumble “Oh Phuck-it” as I watch the guys scramble to pack and squeal like girls to travel around the world to see the girl who is still obviously in love with Dexter.

The ABC intern gets to show off his mad graphic designer and geography skills with the cartoon airplane flying from LA to Phuket. I once again mumble “Oh Phuck-it” as I watch the fools flip-cam video each other in the airport and on the plane as Ashley brags about whoring it up with 12 guys to a mortified and confused Thai travel agent.

The guys finally arrive at the villa to see that CH has already dropped the 1st date card on the coffee table before making like a bread truck and hauling buns to the closest Thai strip club and bar where he is already boozing it up with the locals without even having to put in any face time with the camera. Man, I want his job!

1st Date: Constantine “Let’s C Phuket together”

Constantine gets ready for the date by putting on his t-shirt that says “I’m Constantine, NOT Constantine’s twin that makes wine” to help Ashly out on the date. Then he goes to meet Ashley under a huge umbrella that proves to be a theme for the whole episode. The two are supposed to take a boat ride but the light drizzle and tiny waves makes the captain call it off. He tells them in sign language that it’s too dangerous to sail because of the weather. After making fun of him for not being able to speak English, Constantine and Ashley decide to shop at the local flea market instead, where they make fun of more locals together. They find a local business man and decide to harass him on camera. Unfortunately, neither Constantine nor Ashley speaks Thai. So they find a local who speaks English to help translate. Thru sub-titles, we learn the convo goes like this:

Constantine: “I see he has a wedding ring on. Ask him how long he’s been married.”

English Speaking Local: “These fools want to know how long you’ve been married.”

Businessman: “Tell them 100 years. And to get this camera out of my face.”

English Speaking Local to Constantine and Ashley: “Um 36 years?”

Ashley: “What’s his secret?”

English Speaking Local “They want to know your secret.”

Businessman: “Tell them I didn’t go on a trashy reality TV show to find my wife.”

That satisfies Ashley and Constantine and after the cameraman tells them they have enough footage of the two of them on the day part of their date, he releases them to go drink some beers and talk about “not winning” (they obviously didn’t listen to Charlie Sheen). Then they run through the rain to a wicker hut for dinner. They talk about how they both like each other but are afraid of getting hurt before they kiss and Ashley gives him the rose.

2nd Date: Constantine’s twin, JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas (who?), William, and Ryan “Let’s Make the World a Better Place”

Ashley picks up the guys in the pouring rain holding the same damn blue umbrella and takes them to an orphanage for kids who lost their parents in the ’06 tsunami. She wastes no time in putting the guys to work. They all pretend that 1.) this date was Ashley’s idea and 2.) that they want to paint on a date with 9 other guys. In the pouring rain no less.

Ryan bugs everyone by bossing everyone around. They’ve been in the orphanage for 5 hours but I’ve yet to see a single kid. Ashley is more concerned that she’s yet to see a single guy flirt with her though. Thankfully, before we can witness another self-esteem meltdown over not being Chantal nor Emily, Ashley takes the guys to an after party. She pulls Constantine’s twin aside first to tell him that she had fun with him last night on their one on one date and is impressed with his elephant drawing/painting skills. He pretends he is in fact Constantine and kisses her.

Meanwhile, the guys all bitch about Ryan while Ashley pulls him aside for some alone time. He lies and tells her he’s a “guy’s guy” and she eats it up!

Then she pulls JP aside to sit in a mud puddle and make out in the rain. She makes him carry her back which makes the other guys upset and jealous.

Ashley finally picks up the date rose to pass out before Ryan once again steals her away to beg for the rose. He tells her he’d like more time to talk to her but too bad for Ry-Ry. The date rose goes to Constantine’s twin.

3rd Date: Ames “It’s More Romantic In the Rain”

Ashley meets Harry Connick Jr. in the rain. They hop on a boat to have the date she was supposed to have with Constantine. Ames tells her all the things he’s done in his life. I would list them all here but it would be easier to list the things he hasn’t done: sky dive, date women, and make a girl “satisfied.”

The two climb onto a “banana” and row into a cave. They talk about how it is “mysterious” and so beautiful, Ames can’t even talk to Ashley. They finally row to a little beach and eat snowcones? Huge sushi rolls? Ice cream with sprinkles? What the hell was that? Ashley tells him she wants someone “devoted” as a partner. When pushed, she can’t really tell him what that means.

The night part of the date involves Ashley wearing an 80’s purple shirt and a super short cut off jeans skirt. Ames coordinates his shirt color to match Ashley’s outfit. The two eat dinner as Ashley insults his nerdiness. Ashley realizes that she would not have noticed Ames if Bentley had still been around and she’s impressed with him. She gives him the date rose. But there was no kiss!

Rose Ceremony

Ashley arrives wearing a disco party costume to welcome the guys to the cocktail party. I notice her bangs are starting to grow out and wonder if that’s intentional or if she just hasn’t had time for a good trim.

She pulls West aside first to question him on his wife’s death. But instead of asking him point blank if he killed her or not, she chooses to question if he is ready to love again after her passing. He promises her that he is ready but Ashley is not buying it.

Next she pulls Lucas (who?) aside to ask about his divorce. I didn’t even know this guy was on the show before let alone that he was divorced. He talks and talks but I don’t even know what he’s saying because I’m truly trying to figure out who this is and where he came from.

Blake and Ryan share a homoerotic moment on the couch while Blake tells Ryan that everyone hates him. Ryan is shocked! Why shouldn’t everyone love him? There are soldiers fighting over seas. Doesn’t that translate to everyone loving Ryan? Well it should damn it!

Finally CH arrives, banging his champagne glass of doom. The producers decide that he needs to earn his paycheck, so they make him sit down with Ashley to hash out her feelings.

CH: “So how are you doing Ashley? Get over that douchebag, Bentley, yet?”

Ashley: “I loved this week! I had two great one on one dates and an amazing group date. But I also am still in love with Bentley. I have women’s intuition. I know this is not over. Remember Chris, he said ‘dot, dot, dot.’”

CH: “So where is your head at? Where is your heart at? Do you care that I end all my sentences in a preposition?”

Ashley: “If you are going to break the grammar rules Chris, can I break some rules too? I want to give an extra rose and only send one guy home this week.”

CH: “There are no rules Ashley. Just let me know if I need to practice counting to 7 or 8.”

Ashley decides on 8 and CH goes off to practice before lining the men up for another rose ceremony.

Ames, Ben F., and Constantine already have roses. The rest go to Lucas (seriously, who?), Ryan, JP, Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, and Ben C. Which means that West is getting a free van ride to the airport. Say hello to your dead wife’s parents for me West!

So that’s it. What do you think? Did Ashley make the right decision to send West home? Do you think things with Bentley are over or is there more to the dot, dot, dot? Discuss in the comments and check back next week to see if CH actually puts in face time or phones it in once again!