The show opens with Brad packing his shit in New York City. Even though he’s traveling around the world for a few weeks, all his stuff fits in one tiny suitcase. Is this a guy thing? Or just good editing? Anyway, before Brad leaves, he goes back outside to the hotel balcony to “smell the fart” and ponder his commitment issues. We are treated to a video montage of each girl’s “journey” thus far with Brad’s voiceover telling us what he likes about each lady and what scares the be-jeezus out of him about each one.
Meanwhile, the ABC intern is again putting both his geography and computer graphics skills to use by showing an animated plane flying from NYC to South Africa. While Brad accepts the free booze from the 1st class flight attendant, he ponders his commitment issues some more.
Must pause... when the plane’s brakes screech into Cape Town I got a little nostalgic. I went there 14 years ago and LOVED it! Seeing Table Mountain made me remember my time there. Then Brad started talking about it being “dangerous” there and I had to laugh. Although ABC did not do a good job of portraying the country well either. If you only based your knowledge of it on what you saw, you’d think it was nothing but jungle. Funny.
The first date goes to Chantal where they meet to go on safari. Brad sums it up well.
Brad: “I’ve got a drop dead gorgeous woman on my right with a fantastic bush!” Or something like that...
They see lions sleeping and Brad gets a hard-on since apparently he likes the pussy.
Zambo carries the picnic basket to the river so the stupid white man can have a little champagne with Chantal. Zambo stands with a gun behind the cameraman while Brad and Chantal have a glass of bubbly and some worms while discussing how they both miss her family.
The evening portion of their date starts with dinner and Chantal hoping Brad lets her show him all sides of her.
Chantal: “Let’s just get married here. Forget the engagement!”
Brad: “Would you do that? Seriously?”
Chantal: “Well you don’t get engaged thinking you’re gonna get unengaged. And the whole point of an engagement is so it ends in marriage, right?”
Brad: “I wanna know- would you do that?”
Chantal: “I don’t take marriage lightly. I’m not someone who just goes and gets engaged to people and then decides if I’m serious or not. I just marry them and then figure out if they’re right for me. Like I did with my ex-husband.”
Brad eats it all up. After cracking his knuckles like a nervous school boy, he hands Chantal the fantasy suite date card from CH. He promises Chantal she can wear his white button down shirt again as long as she gets it dry cleaned by the next rose ceremony and the pair walks into the jungle to a tree house. Chantal feels cheated because she doesn’t get privacy walls. Or a fancy hotel room. Or running water. But she sucks it up so she can get into Brad’s pants and the two make out. There is no door to shut on the cameraman’s face so the ABC intern has to sic a rhino on the cameraman to get him to stop filming.
The second date is with Emily. Brad greets her in the middle of the wild and then immediately leaves her alone for 60 full seconds to go fetch the elephant he “forgot.” They ride the elephant around till they come to a watering hole where they see Chantal bathing. After discussing Little Ricki, Brad concludes that not only is he ready to be a father, and not only is he ready to be a father of a 5 year old, he’s also ready to be a father to someone else’s daughter even though he’s only met her one time for two hours. Brad and Emily make out, the elephants watch and apparently get off on it. I felt slightly like I was watching elephant porn.
They start dinner off with Brad sweating nervously about nothing. Emily sets his mind at ease by telling the cameraman she’s falling for Brad. Brad hands Emily the fantasy suite card from CH and instructs her to read it aloud. Does he not know how to read? Emily reads it and looks at the old skeleton key circa 1927. She wonders when tree houses got locks and asks the ABC intern to hook Little Ricki up with one back in Charlotte before informing Brad that she’s a mom and wants to set a good example of her daughter.
Emily: “But with that said, I told the babysitter to put Ricki to bed by 8:30 tonight so I’m hoping she’s no longer watching this show that is in every other way completely appropriate for a 5 year old so sure, what the heck! I’ll go with you!”
Brad and Emily actually get a room which they retire to so Emily can tell Brad she’s falling in love with him. Brad tells her he’s falling in love with her too. They make out on the hard wicker couch before the ABC intern kicks the cameraman out so Little Ricki can still respect her mom in the morning.
The third date goes to Ashley who greets Brad with a cheer she learned in 7th grade cheerleading camp. She’s also wearing a pair of jorts that are so short, the pockets are hanging out. They climb into a helicopter after Brad gives her trank to calm her down. She freaks out the whole ride. Possibly because there are no doors on the thing.
Brad educates everyone about the country of South Africa: “South Africa is a very large land full of a lot of animals.” Duh!
The two sit down on the top of a mountain to guzzle wine and talk about where they want to live. Brad faults her for having goals and wanting to be successful.
At dinner, Ashely leaves her bra at the hotel, whips a sheet around her and calls a steak dinner in the middle of nowhere a “traditional South African meal.” They beat the dead horse of how their relationship is going nowhere fast and once again discuss how they have nothing in common.
I thought Brad was going to forgo the forgo fantasy suite card. The ABC intern runs over and whispers in his ear that he is contractually obligated to offer it to the girls because they still have over an hour of screen time to fill. Brad also is informed that there is no way he will get any unless he offers the note from CH. Ashley accepts the card and they make their way back to a super nice hotel (Chantal got screwed with her “fantasy suite”- the only person’s who’s fantasy would be that treehouse would be a 10 year old boy!). Ashely and Brad don’t talk and don’t even kiss. Brad fantasizes about Emily while Ashely starts to talk about mosquito nets. Where is CH with his champagne glass to interrupt a date when you need him to anyway?
Brad gets ready for the rose ceremony by putting on his white button down shirt that Chantal wore and goes to meet CH for a few stiff ones. Drinks that is.
CH: “How are you feeling?”
Brad: “It’s difficult.”
CH: “Do you like my huge watch?”
Brad: “How is that going to help me make my decision?”
CH: “What about my girly ring?”
Brad: “Huh?”
CH: “South Africa is like the diamond capital of the world so I picked up a little bling for myself. You like it?”
Brad: “It looks like a woman’s ring Chris.”
CH: “Ok, so I stole it from the hooker that visited my treehouse last night. Let’s talk about how your date with Ashley was a disaster.”
CH then goes to welcome the women. Brad looks at each girls’ Glamour Shots picture and wonders where CH found a hooker in the bush. I wonder where he found the time to practice counting to 2.
Before handing out any roses, Brad throws up a bit before pulling Ashley aside to ask her who he should cast his vote with.
Ashley: “What are you talking about?”
Brad: “Didn’t you and the girls have a contest tonight to see who could wear the ugliest dress?”
Ashley: “No!”
Brad: “Well then never mind. But I guess since I have you alone we should talk about how we have nothing in common some more.”
They talk circles around one another and apologize for everything and nothing before Brad kicks Ashley to the curb.
“No rose ceremony for you!” (said like the Soup Nazi!)
Brad walks Ashley to the reject elephant then returns to give the remaining roses to Chantal and Emily.
So that is where we leave it before the final rose ceremony. What do you think? Will we really learn “all” next week or nothing like usual? Do you really think Emily and Chantal were forced to stand the whole time Brad was talking to Ashley? Who do you think will get the final rose?
I’ll be back next week to recap the Women Tell All special and then one more week till the finale! Until then...
