Ali Episode 7 recap

The show opens with CH waving the 5 remaining men, who happen to all be walking down the street together, to the town square in Portugal. His hair needs cut so badly it’s blowing/sticking out in back. He tells the guys where they are and they all start clapping excitedly, like they didn’t already know their location. There are also about 500 dirty pigeons shitting on their feet.


The first date card arrives: “Come be the king of my castle…” It’s for Roberto. While he tries to crack the code of the Bachelorette date card, Frank starts to freak out again about not getting to spend all the alone time with Ali that he wants to. Um, Frank, your jealousy is getting old. Didn’t you ever watch this show? Didn’t you know what you signed up for here? Hasn’t CH made it clear at the beginning of every episode what is going to happen? Why still act shocked that you don’t receive every date?


Ali and Roberto walk around the town taking silly pictures of each other jumping off fountains like 5th graders. Ali is wearing flesh colored flats. It looks like her hair extensions are falling out. And speaking of falling out, her rear end is almost falling out of the tight short jeweled skirt she has on too! The two make fun of the Portugal police and dance in the street to music only they can hear. Then they hop on a city busy and make out.


The two on one date goes to Ty and Frank: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank bitches some more about having to share Ali. Ty tries to figure out what the clue on the date card could possibly mean. He’s secretly hoping for a time machine so he can travel back to their last date and change his answer about women working outside the home.


Meanwhile, Roberto and Ali have finally arrived at their destination: a castle! Ali’s first order of business is to get drunk. They compliment each other over dinner and wine until Ali’s is so hammered she can’t speak. Then she just giggles and kisses Roberto. The whole date was pretty uneventful and boring.


The next day, Ali picks Ty and Frank up in her DeLorean to travel back in time. They go to a castle (seriously ABC, is that all there is in Portugal?) and are forced to walk up the 1000 stairs. I think this is because the producers noticed Ali had put on a few pounds and wanted to make her work them off before giving her more food and alcohol. On the way up to the castle, Ty spots a deer and they all stop to “aw” over it like they’ve never seen one before. Ali is stressed about the awkward factor of having two guys on a date so she does what it takes to get past it- she gets drunk.


Ali pulls Ty aside for some one on one time first. She tries to clear up the confusion of if Ty will allow her to work or not if they’re together. Ty backpedals and insists that he wants someone to want to further their career. The ABC intern pulls him aside and whispers in his ear that Ali might not be for him then since she quit her job and doesn’t even have a place to live. But Ty shrugs him off and continues his confusing answer. In all this time, Ali has drunk another bottle of wine and is so drunk she no longer cares about work. They make out for a bit before she goes back to find Frank.


Frank and Ali talk about family.
Frank: “When you come to my house, you’re gonna feel like you’re part of the family, Ali.”
Ali: “How do you know I’m gonna come to your house?”
Frank: “Oh you’re coming. If I have to stuff you in a sack and drag you there kicking and screaming I’ll do it. But either way, you’re gonna meet my family.”
Ali: “Oh, just give me a bottle of wine to down and I’ll do whatever you want.”
Frank: “Good, have some more right now then because there is something else you need to know- I live in my parents’ basement.”
Ali: “Do they let you have girls stay over? If so, then I’m cool with that. Afterall, I’m gonna be living in my mom’s basement once this show stops filming. Let’s just make out.”


Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, another date card has come for Kirk: “Once upon a time…” Once again, the clue has the men all stumped. What could it mean? Oh, I bet I know- a castle! But first they go drink big tall beers before hoping in a horse drawn carriage that will take them to yet another palace. Ali is freaking out about the hometown dates and Kirk can tell that something is wrong. He knows how to fix it too- wine please! That and another story about his mold poisoning. Another boring date that included a castle, wine, and making out.


The last date card arrives for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” He gets the scooter date but he doesn’t know how to drive it. Ali calls it a moped and then insists that she drive. They go to a winery because Ali’s favorite thing to do is drink. She asks Chris about his mom. Three hours later, we have her life story and Ali has a bracelet that his dad’s friend made for her. Did they call it a “dentist’s bracelet”? Ali pretends she likes it and then they make out.


The rose ceremony arrives and so does Ali wearing the slip cover to my grandma’s couch, circa 1975. She goes to the room of pictures to look at each guy again, all while telling us how important home town dates are because that is where she will meet families. Thanks for that Captain Obvious.


CH welcomes the guys to the rose ceremony and explains the “rules.”
CH: “Welcome guys. I told you all at the beginning of the week how important tonight’s rose ceremony is. There are five of you but only four roses. Which means that one of you will be going home. Because 5 minus 4 equals 1. Now, if no one wants to challenge my mad math skills, I’ll go get Ali.”


Roses go to Chris, Frank, Roberto, and Kirk. Going home is Ty. Ali walks him out in the pouring rain to say goodbye instead of standing just inside the door to have the post break-up chat. Ali appears to be more upset than Ty is. She continues to stand in the torrential rain long after Ty’s limo is gone. She walks back into the castle like a robot. The intern dries her hair extensions, gives her another glass of champagne, and sends her in to the remaining guys.


But wait! It’s only 9:30! That means we get a full 30 minutes (minus the 17 minutes for commericals) for the Jake and Vienna interview. First of all, CH refers to their break up as “shocking.” Really? Tell me one person who is surprised by this. 1.) because it’s Vienna and 2.) because it’s the Bachelor- they never stay together. Then CH promises he’s going to get to the bottom of why they broke up. I’m yelling at my tv that we don’t need 30 minutes for that and sum it up in one sentence: “Vienna is a bitch!”


Now I didn’t take a lot of notes from this segment because it’s all so train wreckalicious that I could just watch. It was going too fast for me to write anything down too. But here are the things I did notice:
1.) CH talked to the cameraman like there was a studio audience present. The whole thing felt like he’d found the set to the Bachelor mansion in a dumpster and was “filming” it a la Kramer on the Merv Griffith set in his apartment. I seriously expected Vienna to walk in carrying an injured squirrel or something! Although, she did accuse Jake of drugging her and playing with her toys.
2.) I still do not like Vienna and I’m sure she wasn’t completely innocent in their breakup but I gotta say, Jake really came off as a total controlling asshole. This is pretty much what every encounter was like:
CH: “Why didn’t it work out?”
Jake; “Well Chris, Vienna was always interrupting-“
Vienna: “You have a temper!”
Jake: “and undermining me-“
Vienna: “You are such a liar!”
Jake: “She went to BEEP and BEEP to get paid for our story.”
Vienna: (ripping off microphone) “That’s it! I’m leaving!”
Jake: (shaking head) “That’s pretty much how she is Chris. She needs to be put in her place. I’ve never raised my voice in any of my past relationship. Heck, my mom was always the one doing the yelling, not me. But Vienna needed to be slapped around a little bit. I’m not to blame here. She is.”


And that ladies and gentlemen, is it. I’m sure this isn’t over though. Don’t you think ABC will parade these two fame whores out again at the MTA special? And the ATFR special? I’m sure we’ll see plenty more of them. In the meantime, who do you think is going home next week? Who do you think the girl is that Frank hugs in the promo for the rest of the season? Anyone else find the first 90 minutes of the show a total bore and waste of time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments and I will be back next week.