Ali Episode 2 recap

In preparation of tonight’s episode, I decided to drink 10 beers. I figured all the guys are hammered and seem to be having fun, maybe that’s what I need to do to enjoy this monstrosity more. Let me tell you- it didn’t help.


Tonight’s show starts with CH welcoming the guys to the bachelor pad. They are all drinking OJ out of champagne glasses. CH explains there will be 1 group date this week and 2 individual dates. Roses are given on every date and if you get one you are safe. On the 1 on 1 dates, if you don’t get a rose, you go home. Not everyone will be going on a date this week. Blah blah blah.


The first date is a one on one date with Frank. He wore glasses last week at the rose ceremony and when the film crew visited his hometown before the show started. The producers told him he needed a new look and got him some contacts apparently because his glasses are gone now.


The camera shows Ali getting ready for her date with Frank. Apparently all she needs to do is braid those pesky hair extensions and she’s all set!


Frank puts his Clark Kent glasses back on for their date. And what is their date? Ali drives a big old car along the highway until it “runs out of gas/breaks down.” Then the two abandon the car and take off on foot till they come across a taxi waiting for them 50 feet down the road. The taxi takes them to Hollywood. Clark Kent passes the first test of “what would he do if the car breaks down?” with flying colors and Ali is smitten.


Back at the bachelor pad we see that all the guys still hate Rated- R Justin (the WWE guy with the broken foot).


Ali and Frank meanwhile are slipping and sliding down the hill with the Hollywood sign. Frank decides he needs to turn back into Superman to keep Ali from breaking her foot and he takes off his glasses again so he can sit and tell her about quitting his job to be a screenwriter. While he works at the mall and lives in his parents’ basement. Ali thinks being the manager at Banana Republic sounds like a cool job and she gives Frank the first kiss under the Hollywood sign.


While all this was going on, the ABC intern fixed the car and brings it back to Ali. Ali drives CK to the rest of their date: the Peach Pit After Dark! Just kidding. They go to makeout hill and drink the wine he stole from his parents’ liquor cabinet that he smuggled out of the house in a suitcase circa 1984. Somewhere along the line Ali also found Danny Zuko’s black leather jacket and put it on.


Back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s a group date for Jonathon, Ty, Chris H., Kirk, Hunter, Steve, Craig R., Chris N., Kasey, Justin, and Craig M. “Picture Us Together.” Craig M. gets pissed about how many tattoos Jesse has and Ty has to take him away from a fistfight over it. I guess Craig M. is “dangerous.”


Back on the date, Ali decides she is “crazy” about Frank and wants to let him know that so she gives him the rose. He accepts. He smells it like a drug while she goes on about how great he is.


Group date finally begins and it is a beach house in Malibu for a photoshoot. Ali wears her hair in dread locks since it worked for Crystal Bowersox. Poor Justin has to hop around beach/sand on crutches. The photoshoot has the guys all put on banana hammocks for a calendar. Justin cries when he sees his speedo. Ty sings to Ali while playing the guitar. I liked him last week??? Really? Cheesy!!! I kept praying he didn’t bust out “Love Don’t Come Easy.” Thankfully he didn’t.


After the photoshoot, Ali takes them to a cocktail/wrap party.
Ali: “Thanks for doing this today guys. We should all feel really good because of what we did today because it was for a really good cause.” Um, ok. Charity! Got it! But what charity? Did she ever say?


Ty pulls Ali aside and tells her he’s been divorced. She stares at him with unblinking death eyes. Ali: “I want to be the ONLY one Ty! How could you have been with someone else before me?!?!”


Justin the weatherman is wearing a white Don Johnson jacket and has a real hard on for Craig M. He even compares the guy to a category 6 hurricane. He decides to interrupt Ty and Ali to warn her that the hurricane is coming! Ali gives him the friend hug after giving him the crazy “my eyes can’t open any bigger without blinking” eyes while he tells her about Craig M.


Group date rose goes to Ty. Guess she didn’t care he was divorced afterall.


Back at the house, the last date card arrives to tell us the one on one goes to Jesse and Ali. The date card reads, “Use these when the time is right.” There is a box of cufflinks. Jesse reminds us that he doesn’t know what cufflinks are because the first suit he bought/wore is the one he bought for this show.


Ali has something special planned for her date with Jesse- a private jet to Vegas! Jake’s the pilot so even though Ali hates to fly, she’s not nervous. She knows she’s on the Wings of Love!


Jesse and Ali swim in a pool then go to dinner. She tells him she loves his tie. It’s plain black. Honestly, the most boring tie ever! The paid wait staff have the same ties. That was about the most exciting thing on the date. Zzzzzz!


Ali gives Jesse the rose, takes her hair down out of the bun, takes her shoes off, and they go dancing. Thankfully the date is over!


At the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Ali gets some more alone time with Chris L. I like him. He seems normal. What is he doing on this show? Why has he still not told her about his dead mom making him come on the show? Why is he wearing jeans with a suit coat?


At this point I decided I want to be the Bachelorette. No matter what you look like, ABC drugs the guys into thinking you are the hottest thing ever. They also give you lots of free booze to drink while accepting the unwarranted compliments. And a cool new wardrobe!


I also questioned my belief from last week that Kasey has a cool accent. Is he hearing impaired? Speech impediment? Really- does anyone know? And why did he take his shoes off while talking to Ali?


Ali and Roberto play baseball. He’s wearing jeans too. Did the ABC intern send a memo to the guys about the dress code for tonight? Did he feel bad that Jesse only has one suit so he asked the other guys to help him out and wear jeans too?


Ali pulls the weatherman aside. He performs a SNL skit for her that goes something like this:
Jonathon: “I thought about you yesterday.”
Ali: (giggle) “Just a little?”
Jonathon: “Yeah actually- just a little. The rest of the time I was thinking about…..” (dramatic pause) “Do you want to know?”
Ali: “Was it the weather? Is it gonna rain?”
Jonthon: “No. Not the weather. Look, I want to tell you but I don’t want to be a tattletale. So before I cry to you about the bully, I want you to beg me to tell you about him.”
Ali: “This isn’t about me. It’s getting old. Just tell me who you have a man crush on.”
Jonathon: (sniffling) “Yesterday Craig M. wore my favorite Don Johnson jacket and got cooties on it. What should I do? How do I get his germs off?”
Ali has fallen asleep she’s so bored with this. Wait- maybe that was me who fell asleep from boredom.


Ali pulls Craig M. aside and begs him to pay more attention to her. Camera shows 2 guys we have never seen before (cameramen maybe? Interns? Producers?) discussing Craig M. and what a douch bag he is. Craig M. gives Ali some BS answer that she seems to buy and like. Where the hell is CH when you need him? I am ready to get this rose ceremony going!


Craig M. goes back to the guys and demands to be told who told Ali he’s dangerous. Crickets chirp. The weatherman and Craig M.’s hard ons for each other couldn’t get any bigger. I didn’t know if they were going to punch each other or kiss! Before they do either, CH comes in banging his champagne glass of doom and pulls Ali away to look at the pictures of all the guys. After holding the frame of each guy, she has made her decision.


Frank, Ty, and Jesse already have roses. The other 35 roses go to Kasey, Hunter, Roberto, Chris L., Justin, Steve, Kirk, John C., Craig R., Chris N., and Jonathon.


Going home is Craig M. (crazy guy- crazy for the weatherman that is!), Tyler V. (welt on his forehead), and someone else they didn’t even show or mention.


Did you notice how Ali stared into each rose before saying the names like they held the secret to the universe? Or does the ABC intern write the names on the inside of the roses so Ali doesn’t mess up a la Jesse Palmer?


Well that’s it- another 2 hours of my life I will never get back. Until next week….