Ali Episode 9 Recap

Chris from Cap Cod opens this installment of the Bachelorette standing on the ledge of a building, looking like he's about to jump off. I would be too before admitting I was falling in love with Ali. He waits a full 13 seconds into the episode to mention his dead mom. Oh yeah, and he's blushing something terrible. Like always. The producers then do a ten minute video montage of his "journey" with Ali so far.

Next we see Roberto packing for his trip to Tahiti but he's confident that Ali'll pick him and his dimples. Then the producers show ten minutes of Ali and Roberto making out over the last nine weeks.

Last, we see Frank putting all of his black suits in a suitcase while telling us that even though he's fallen in love with Ali, there is something that's holding him back! He's still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. He admits that it's killing him that he has feelings for two girls. Nevermind the fact that Ali has feelings for three guys right now. My husband was watching with me at this point (although I'm sure he'd deny that to anyone who questions him on this fact) and he asked a great question that sums it up well: if you can't trust the woman you're two timing your wife with, who can you trust? Frank decides he needs to go back to Chicago to see if Nicole still has feelings for him too.

When Frank gets there, he "finds" Nicole in a hotel. Even though he hasn't talked to Nicole in months (per Frank), she graciously agrees to meet with him on a national TV show where he's gone to fall in love and propose to another woman. Nicole's a swell girl. Not a fame whore what-so-ever.

Frank: "I'm a nervous wreck! I've spent the last....." (long pause) "...long while fighting other guys for Ali. She knows nothing! But you are going to hear it all Nicole. Ali and I had something amazing right from the start." Another LONG, long uncomfortable pause. "And Ali is a great girl. We have a connection. Producers, did I do that right? I was having trouble remembering my lines. I used the words amazing and connection though."
Nicole: "Ever since you've left, you've consumed my whole mind everyday. It's really hard. It's heartbreaking. Um, producers, am I reading these cue cards right?"
Frank: "It's too bad for Ali that Kasey is no longer here to guard and protect her heart because I'm about to break it!"

Basically Frank tells Nicole that he can't stop thinking of her and wants to know if they still have a spark. The camera crew graciously leaves so the two can find out. Nicole admits that without Frank, she doesn't feel complete. She talks about people completing other people like she just watched the movie Jerry Meguire on the hotel's Pay-Per-View channel. She tells Frank he needs to come home, he breaks into the biggest grin, ABC cues the cheesy after-school-special music, and they all live happily ever after.

Oh wait, no they don't. Frank has to fly to Tahiti to break up with Ali first. (Am I the only one excited that she is going to get a taste of her own medicine?) Then Frank can come home to Nicole to make the third successful relationship to ever come out of this show's 20 seasons.

The first date in Tahiti is with Roberto. But first, Ali jumps into the water and flings her hair extensions back like a cheesy 1980's actress. Then she waddles to Roberto's straw hut (is Chris's hut made of sticks and will Frank's be made of brick?). They board a helicopter (really? again?) and we get views of the beautiful islands with clear blue water, awkward kisses between two helicopter headphones, and Ali's yellow bikini top under her see-thru white wife beater tank top. They land in the Pocanos. Or another heart shaped place for a picnic and swimming in mis-matched bathing suits. They drink and make out while voice-overs tell us how great each other is and how gorgeous the island is.

After the ABC intern spends hours trying to untangle Ali's hair extensions, they finally give up and knot it up more on top of her head. Ali and Roberto go to dinner in the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. Ali gets sufficiently schlossed before pulling out the fantasy suite card. Roberto tells her he's falling in love with her, the producers play the porno music, and the two horn-dogs run, I mean swim, to the fantasy suite to make love. Ali climbs the ladder and Roberto gets a nice preview of her crotch before we go to commercial.

Next up is Chris. Ali and Chris climb on a huge boat to drink beer and make out. Why is Chris wearing my 5 year old daughter's sea shell necklace though? And how many times did they use the word "like" in their conversation? They must have just watched the movie Valley Girl. Didn't Ali use the expression "gag me with a spoon"? Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. And I don't think she said spoon.

The producers have a romantic date planned on an island but in order to help Ali shed those 15 pounds she's gained, they stop the boat a mile away and make her and Chris swim to it. But their plan backfires when Ali makes Chris carry her there. They find pearls inside oysters which is symbolic for what Chris is going to give her later on in the fantasy suite.

ABC makes Chris and Ali wade through waist deep water to get to dinner too. Ali sucks down her mai tai while Chris starts talking about his mom again. They kiss and he starts getting his blotchy blush thing going on before Ali whips out the fantasy suite card. Chris looks around for CH before heading to suite 54 to make Ali a necklace with the pearls they found earlier. Then Chris shares that his mom is probably very happy looking down at him about to close the deal with Ali. AWK-WARD!

The last date is with Frank. He has his glasses and gloves off. He's here to tell Ali he's going home to his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. Since he's there to break Ali's heart, ABC puts him up in the worst hut there is. No ocean view, no fancy bed... this is war! And who understands Bachelorette war better than CH? That and ABC needed to justify flying CH to Tahiti even though there isn't going to be a rose ceremony so they bring him in to talk to Frank about how to dump Ali.

CH tells Frank that Ali is crazy about him. I think she's just crazy. He asks Frank what he's planning on doing. The clock is ticking! There is a date in one hour! Frank practically screams at CH that he's hoping he will tell him what to do. I think he's secretly hoping CH will just tell Ali for him. But no can do Frank... he must do it himself.

I must pause here to reflect on how funny this is! CH is all worried about Ali because she really likes Frank and he's about to dump her. But isn't that the exact same thing that Ali has been doing with the guys the last few weeks? And where was CH then to wonder about their feelings?

Ali arrives wearing an off the shoulder shirt. She's reflecting on her relationship with Frank and their "amazing connection." She knocks on his door all giggles and grins and hugs, only to hear Frank's monotone "Ali, we need to talk." Ali puts on her pouty face and follows Frank outside before turning on the tears.

Frank tells Ali about Nicole. She wipes her nose on her hand and runs her fingers through her hair extensions. She's mad at Frank but I keep wondering why Frank's not pointing out to her that she's the pot calling the kettle black! How is what he did any different than what she's been doing? They both cry into their fingertips while Ali reminds us all once again how she gave up everything to be there. She throws her flip flops on the ground in rage and pulls on her hair extensions. I'm starting to think she's going to pull the darn things right out! Finally she hugs Frank and leaves to go plop down in the middle of the beach to cry like she did in the middle of the hotel hallway after leaving Jake last season. CH comes up with a pina colada to console her. Man, he either didn't really feel sorry for Ali or he's the worst cheer-er upper there is! And would someone please give this girl a glass of water or some chapstick? Her lips were so white and chalky from all the booze and sun the poor thing was dehydrated!

Evan though there will be no need for a rose ceremony because Frank left on his own, Ali still looks at the pictures of the three guys before turning Frank's picture face down. Now she needs to know if Chris and Roberto are really there for the right reasons. But I'm still confused as to what Frank's "wrong reason" was. He was there to see if he loved Ali. He saw he didn't so he left. Right?

Ali's apparently gained so much weight, the only thing the wardrobe people can find that will fit her is a ginomous tent. Ali plops down with CH to tell him that she knows she's not supposed to be with Frank. She's a real smart one, that Ali. I wonder how she figured that one out? I bet her good friend Jesse from Jake's season called her to help her crack that mystery.

Then CH drops the biggest shocker of the night- there WILL be a rose ceremony. Mostly because CH wants Ali to tell the guys what happened with Frank. And also because ABC said it's in his contract to always perform a rose ceremony and count each episode.

Chris and Roberto get situated and CH welcomes them.
CH: "Chris, Roberto. Obviously Frank isn't here. Something happened but I don't want to be the one to have to tell you that you're both sticking around another week by default so I'm going to let Ali explain it to you."

CH then counts to 2 and Ali passes out the roses to Chris and Roberto. Which means Frank is really gone. So who do you think she'll pick in two weeks? Will Frank come back? Or does Jake return to try once again to find a woman to listen to him and not undermine him with interruptions? I'll be back next week to recap the Men Tell All (although I'm sure I could recap it for you now- nothing new is learned). Until then, please leave your thoughts and comments in the comments section and have an "amazing" week!