Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Ben Episode 5 Recap

First of all I wanted to thank all my readers. Especially the commenters. I know I don’t have a huge following, nor am I looking for any kind of accolades but it’s nice to know that what I write doesn’t go unread and that hopefully it entertains a few people along the way as well. There are numerous times that Monday nights roll around, I’m tired, and would like to just curl up in bed and watch the show without having to pause it four thousand times to write down my thoughts. But for some reason, I feel guilty for even thinking that thought and know I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the trainwreck without documenting it for future generations to wonder about. Anyway, all that to say thank you! If you read and enjoy it please leave a comment. If you read and you hate it, I can direct you to a different, more funny recap blog site. Now let’s talk Bachelor!

The episode opens with the return of the ABC intern who moonlights as a graphic artist and the cartoon plane flying from Park City, Utah to Puerto Rico. Rico Sauve is on board with a tricked out mustache and three days worth of beard growth. The girls arrive, packed onto a fishing boat like the sardines the fishermen are hoping to catch saying that Puerto Rico is the “perfect place to fall in love.” Just like Park City, San Fran, Sonoma, and LA. They flood into their villa wearing nude heels, black leggings, and brightly solid colored tank tops. They have lost their 30 foot scarves somewhere over the ocean. The Hare welcomes them to Puerto Rico wearing navy blue dress pants and a plaid flannel button down. His hair has finally been cut but I imagine he’s so bored with Ben he decided to see what terrible ensemble he could wear to mess with people. He gives the ladies the run down on the dates this week: 2 one on one dates, and one group date. Everyone will go on a date and if you get a rose you are safe till next week. With this non-information, he drops the first date card and makes like Jagger and moves.

1st date goes to Nicki: “A bunch of shit that Ben looked up in his Spanish/English dictionary.”

Nicki dons Mrs. Roper’s tie dyed robe for their date, packs her shit, and waits for Ben to whisk her away to the 2nd helicopter ride of the season. They walk around town, watch an old Puerto Rican man shave some ice off a huge block for them to eat and walk around in the pouring rain. Wait. Did I say walk? I meant run. They run around in the pouring rain. No, they aren’t running through the rain to get to cover. They are just jogging in it. In 5 inch heels. In the rain! The fact that Nicki doesn’t melt when wet is a turn on to Ben. He makes metaphors about the rain symbolizing how she’s be able to roll with the punches in life because not everything can be planned. Yeah, like the producers didn’t make it pour. Right. I just feel sorry for the poor ABC intern responsible for carrying out that order!


Ben and Nicki decide to shop for new “threads” since their clothes are so wet. Ben trades his cut off gray jorts and brown v-neck t-shirt for Colonel Sanders cruise boat attire. Nicki puts on another Mrs. Roper kimono.


Ben and Nick crash a wedding, which leads Ben to make the brilliant deduction that being married is completely different than being engaged. Nicki also says that the next time she gets married she wants it to be forever. Which leads me to wonder: the first time she got married did she say “OK, this will be fun but I hope we’re divorced in 2 years.”

Ben: “I want to walk away with a woman at the end of this. I want to propose one MORE time in my life.” He continues talking but I’m laughing so hard I don’t even know what he says.


For the night portion of their date, Ben takes Nicki to a secluded putting green for dinner in Mork’s spaceship. They discuss her marriage and divorce. But the only thing I can focus on is the huge mic pack shoved in the back of her dress. I wonder how they wedged that sucker in there? Butter? Baby oil? K-Y Jelly? Ben doesn’t care. He just likes her so he gives her the rose.


Back at the villa... the girls sit around and discuss how many dates they’ve each been on when there is a knock at the door. The ABC intern has ding-dong-ditched them with the group date card which indicates that “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend”- Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B., Casey S. (who?), Jamie (is she still around?), and Blakely. Which means Elyse will get the one on one date.


Ben takes the girls to a baseball diamond. Wrong best friend Ben! Except if you’re Lindzi. She wears dirt instead of make up so of course she loves baseball. They throw some balls and do some batting practice before ... WTF?!?!? Is that CH!?!? Before the rose ceremony??!!? Gracing us with his presence THREE times in one episode?!? His shirt matches his eyes and I’m mesmerized. He’s there to break the news that although the date isn’t over, not all of them will be moving on to the night portion of the competition. The girls are split into two teams to play a game of baseball. The losing team will head back to the hotel and the winning team gets to go with Ben to a “beach party.” Since there are 9 girls, one chic needs to play on both teams and automatically gets to go to the beach party. Ben picks Lindzi and CH picks Blakely and Courtney to be team captains. You can tell CH is LOVING this. It was totally worth it to him to leave his hooker in bed and sleep off his buzz to come stir the crazy pot a bit.

Courtney’s red team is Kacie B., Casey S. (who?), and Jamie. Blakely’s blue team consists of Emily, Jennifer, and Rachel. The game is totally cheesy. CH doesn’t even stay to watch it. He heads back to the production room with Jim Beam and cracks up as he watches. It is so boring so I’ll just cut to the chase: the red team wins the game. Lindzi, Courtney, Kacie B., Casey S., and Jamie get to go on. Ben compares losing the chance to have dinner with him and four other girls to losing the World Series. I can only imagine how many Red Sox fans wants to kick his ass.


A helicopter picks up the red team, magically transforms their baseball uniforms into date night attire, and deposits them on a candle strewn beach. This is while the blue teams heads back to the hotel on a school bus. Yes, a whole school bus for four girls. They all cry about how bad they NEEDED, not wanted but NEEDED, more time with Ben. I cry a little because I can’t believe I’m still watching this.


Ben takes Lindzi to another giant papasan chair, Jamie somewhere where we hear the first three words she has uttered since she got out of the limo 5 weeks ago, and Casey S. starts to open her mouth before Courtney’s voice over about how perfect she is for Ben cuts her off. Ben pulls Kacie B. and her Flashdance off the shoulder sweater aside for some alone time and I notice this is either the second week she’s worn the same shirt or else she mistakenly thought she was going on a reality 80’s show about welding instead of The Bachelor. But Ben loves it and gives her the date rose. Courtney decides she hasn’t done something stupid for a while so she uses her alone time with Ben to plant the seed that he wants to skinny dip with her. The way she keeps going on and on and talking about it reminds me of my 6 year old daughter and how when she wants something she doesn’t shut up about it.


The third date is for Elyse: “Let’s find love somewhere private.” Side note about Elyse. I’ve been trying to put my finger on this about her since week one but on this date I was finally able to figure it out. I think she was Jerry’s girlfriend from the Festivus episode of Seinfeld. Ben picks her up on a huge yacht. Ben thinks being on the water is the perfect place to fall in love. I wonder where he doesn’t think is a perfect place to fall in love. They cruise to the middle of the ocean and jump off the side of the boat together. Elyse holds her nose and I wonder once again how her bikini does not fall off as she hits the water.


For the night portion of the date, they head to a secluded island beach to sip champagne in a tux and a one sleeved white dress. Elyse gets out her shovel and starts digging her grave by telling Ben she’s sick of being single.

Ben: “So that’s why you’re here? Because you are sick of being single?”

Elyse: “No, not just that. I also want to get engaged!” (clueless!)

Ben: “Ummmm... hmmmm....”

Elyse: “I’m sick of seeing the other girls come home from their dates all happy. I want that to be me!”

Ben pulls the producer aside and asks how long he has to wait before sending her back in the reject dinghy. The producers realize she is not crazy enough to keep around any longer and allow Ben to cut the cord. He does so by first leading her on by picking up the rose and complimenting her before dropping the dreaded “but...” Her ass is on the next flight back to the good ol’ U. S. of A. ABC obviously needed some filler time though because they waste a good 10 minutes filming Ben watch Elyse swim back to the main land before dramatically throwing her rose in the ocean. Did anyone really care about this chic?

The girls are sitting around discussing if Elyse will get a rose or not per the producers orders when the bag boy comes in to get her luggage. Even though most of the girls just said they didn’t think Elyse was coming back, they ALL act surprised to see her go. Except Courtney who as far as I can tell does four things when she’s not on a date with Ben: 1.) sit around drinking BIG CARL sized glasses of wine, regardless of the time of day or if anyone else is drinking too, 2.) wear a white bathrobe, 3.) cut down everyone else, and 4.) chew her own face off while plotting how to keep “winning!” Duh!


When Ben returns from his failed date, Courtney is waiting for him with a bottle of wine and the offer to give him a bath or massage. She appeared so desperate to me but Ben loved it! He says he doesn’t want the bath or rub down so Courtney flashes him her boob and leads him outside to the beach for the promised skinny dipping session that ABC has been teasing us with the last 5 weeks.


The rose ceremony night rolls around and Ben is feeling guilty for getting it on with Courtney. She’s definitely one cookie short of ending in the looney bin but Ben is just as bad as she is! The producers pull Jennifer aside and convince her to play truth or dare with the other girls before Ben arrives.

Jennifer: “Sounds like fun but what kind of questions should I ask?”

Producer: “Here is a list. Please stick to it! Number one about the skinny dipping will be a real hoot! Do that one first!”

Jennifer asks the girls who has gone skinning dipping and Courtney’s hand shoots up faster than Ben’s little General did the night before. I thought for sure she was gonna tell them and I so wish she did. But unfortunately, that little nugget didn’t come out. Yet.


The rest of the rose ceremony goes down in regular pre-rose ceremony cocktail party fashion. Ben pulls aside each of the girls, they basically beg for a rose, there is some loud kissing, blah, blah, blah. Then Ben pulls Emily aside and she didn’t learn her lesson from last week because she hasn’t even sat down and she’s bad mouthing Courtney again! Ben warns her again- shut your mouth or go home!


CH finally arrives with his butter knife and champagne glass of doom. Kacie B. and Nicki already have roses. The other 7 go to Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S. (who?), Blakely, and Emily. Which means that Red (even though she’s the best kisser) will be joining Elyse on the trip back to America. By the way, anyone else think that was Mike Fliess himself driving the Hummer? I bet he was sitting up there asking her questions about her dead dog to make her cry so much.


And that’s where we end week five of this journey. Do you think Ben made the right decisions? Who do you think is going home next week? What’s up with CH and Casey S.? Anyone else think she’s a top secret spy with the CIA? Leave your much appreciated comments in the comment section and I’ll see you next week. If you need me before then I will be “freeing” myself in the ocean.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Ben Episode 4 Recap

Episode opens with grand sweeping views of Park City, Utah and the first helicopter of the season! Ben’s long locks are blowing in the breeze as he gazes out the window at the beautiful trees and mountains while musing about the memories he had with his grandfather. Somehow, in Ben’s head, that translates to romantic dates with the remaining women. He climbs on a horse (he’s back on the saddle since the dumping via Ashley) and heads across the wilderness to greet the ladies.

The girls arrive at the villa wearing their leggings and big scarves and nude colored heels. CH is there to greet them and for the 101st time, give them the run down on how the show works.

CH: “Welcome ladies. Let’s talk about the dates this week. As you know, not everyone will go on a date. If you get a rose, you are safe till next week. If you need me before I have to count to 11, I will be in the hotel bar getting drunk. Until the next rose ceremony... here’s the first date card.” Then he makes like a rapture and disappears.

First date goes to Rachel- “Let’s let nature take its course.” Ben picks Rachel up in the helicopter and the sight of the big bird pushes Kacie B. (who seemed normal up until she mentioned she was in love with Ben already) over the edge. She starts to self-destruct with jealousy. Ben takes Rachel and her huge cans (where did those come from?!?!) for a boat ride where Rachel shares with Ben and the world that she wants to “be in front.” They paddle across the lake and turn into vampires half way across. It’s a good thing too because otherwise these two have nothing to say to each other. Awkward! So what do you do when you are stuck in a canoe surrounded by a million flies with a girl who is dull? Make out of course!

And when you are the producer, what do you do? Cut to a shot of the house lesbian under a blanket with another girl back at the hotel. Kacie B. is starting to melt down faster than an ice cream cone on a hot summer day!

As Rachel and Ben open the bottle of bubbly for their mandatory date picnic it strikes me who Ben reminds me of! Crosby from Parenthood. That show is so good. So much better than this snorefest. Did Ben just point out a beaver dam?!?!

For the night portion of their date, Ben and Rachel walk thru the woods via Blair Witch Trial to eat dinner in a secluded cabin. I’m guessing it will be easier to dispose of the body out in the middle of no where after Ben kills her just for something interesting to happen.

Back at the hotel, the next group date card arrives. It’s for Jamie, Casey S. (who?), Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney. “Let’s see if you’re a good catch.” Courtney makes a snide remark about being on the group date before chewing her bottom lip the rest of the way off her face.

The part of Rachel and Ben’s date where he dumps her is coming up. So the producers cut back to the secluded cabin where the titillating conversation about the hot fire is coming to a close and Ben is showing Rachel the door. But wait a minute! What’s this? He’s giving her the rose!What???? They are feeding each other smores? Huh? What did I miss people? Did these two have NOTHING in common?

Cowboy Ben saddles up for the group date and charges into the water on his stead to meet the ladies. His long locks are blowing in the breeze and the girls LOVE it! Giddy up!

He takes them fly fishing and makes them all put on waders and boots- the sexiest attire for all the ladies. Once again, the producers have put together a date that is about as interesting as watching someone fish. Oh wait a minute- we are watching someone fish! Good thing they’ve also kept around Courtney for some added drama. The girls back at the hotel discuss her and her craziness over a few bottles of Ben’s wine for breakfast. Courtney steals Ben away for some alone time fishing. Lindzi decides she can’t have that and butts into their time just as Courtney catches her first fish. Am I still watching this?

The girls clean up for the night portion of their group date. They head back to the Waldorf for some more wine and whine. Ben pulls aside Casey S. for the first alone time. Before the girl can speak her first word of the season, Nicki interrupts them to steal Ben away for herself. She admits that her dad passed away right before she left for the show and Ben shares that he lost a good friend right before coming on the show too. I wonder if Ben was friends with Nicki’s dad. They kiss right before Samantha comes over to do the talent portion of the competition followed by the bikini portion. Her talent is either her impression of a horse or her cleavage. The whole time she is talking at Ben, he’s looking around, desperate for someone to come save him. Where is CH when you really need him to show up with a butter knife and champagne glass? Ben questions if Samantha is there for the right reasons or not. She insists she is. He’s not buying it and decides to make the cut. I’m sorry, Miss Philadelphia, you will not be moving on in this competition. Ben grows a pair and sends her packing immediately.

Courtney uses her amazing powers of deduction to figure out that Samantha really liked Ben and that’s why she is crying when he sends her home. She’s a brilliant one.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives to announce that Jennifer will be going on the last one on one date to “pick our love song...”

Kacie B. and Ben get some alone time on the group date. He takes her to a hotel room to chat and chill before she completely melts down. They make out a bit as Ben admits to the camera that he really likes her. He’s so openly smitten with her that you know she will not be the final one.

Then Courtney steals Ben away for a while to “take the rose” and make out. She also makes sure to bad mouth all the other girls like she does best. She also makes sure to eat her bottom lip off her face like she does bet too. Her neuroticness leads me to believe that she is a distant relative of Charlie Sheen. As Ben give her the date rose she says, “Winning. Winning, duh!” to the camera. Of course she accepts the rose to the complete pissed off-ness of the other girls.

The next day Ben arrives to take Jennifer for their one on one date. He takes her hiking up a small hill to a fenced in area that the two trespass on. Ben makes some dumb analogy to how overcoming your fears with someone makes your relationship stronger. The two stumble upon a roped off, fenced off, taped off, hole in the ground. They decide to strip down to bathing suits and repel down into it. They drop a diving board’s height into a cess pool of warm water to swim around and talk about taking a plunge together.

For the night portion of their date, they ride a ski lift up a mountain to have dinner in the pouring rain and talk about their past relationships. Ben grilled her like a job interview candidate. I think she will be getting a second interview. As the rain comes, they run in the dark to an abandoned building to make out and for Ben to give her the rose. They head back down the mountain to attend a Clay Walker concert. Who is Clay Walker? I don’t know but Jennifer sure pretends like she does. ABC has hired a lot of extras to sit and watch this guy sing while Bennifer dances around them. The paid extras also part like the Red Sea so Bennifer can walk to the front row. Man, I wish he’d been with me back in college when I always had to elbow my way to the stage.

Cocktail party finally arrives. Bring on the drama! Or Ben and his skinny tie. Is that thing knit like a sweater!?!? While Ben drags Monica aside for some alone time, Emily starts to self destruct like Kacie B. She cannot get over Courtney’s evilness so she steals Ben aside to tell him what a psycho Courtney is. Ben doesn’t want to hear it and basically tells Emily that she needs to get over it or get over him. When she tells some of the other girls, Casey S. (who?) is one of them. What we do know about Casey S. after this show: 1.) she if friends with Courtney. What we don’t know about Casey S.: 1.) everything else. But she does run back to Courtney to ask her where she left her pants and to tell her what Emily was saying about her. This info really pisses Courtney off. She’s a nice person. I mean, she wants to shave Emily’s eyebrows off or at least rip her head off but really, she’s a nice person.

Ben pulls Nicki aside to ask her where she got the yellow nail polish. I think she bought her polish at the same store that Casey S. bought her blue polish at. Before they return to ask Casey S. they make out in the snow.

Emily and Courtney have a stare down on the couch while the other girls stare at each other’s boobs that are hanging out. Courtney throws out a few “winnings” before walking off to bitch at other girls about her. I’m so over this. Where the hell is CH?!?!? Yay! He heard me and arrives banging his champagne glass of doom to whisk Ben way and practice counting to eight.

Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer already have roses. The other eight go to Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakely and her long earrings (where does she get all these?), Casey S. (who?), and Emily. Which means that Monica, the group lesbo and group therapist will be joining Samantha in the reject limo. Do you think we’ll see the two of them making out on the way to the airport? Do you think Ben will finally see Courtney’s bitchyness? Do you want to know what they put on their bikini tops to keep them from falling off as they dive into the water on all these dates? Where do you think the journey will take us next? Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I will see you back here next week!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Ben Episode 3 Recap

Once again, CH is missing in action. WTH? Instead, we have Nicki welcoming us to San Francisco at the start of the episode. The girls drive over the San Francisco bridge sipping champagne while Ben walks up a steep street that the ABC intern will later have to hose down with fake snow for the group date, to meet with his sister who looks a lot like one of the Kardashians. Her name is Julia but I will call her Khloe. The sibs sit down to talk like this is the last week. Did I miss a few weeks or what? They are in Ben’s hometown, he’s talking to his sister about the girls he likes best... did I miss something here? While Ben and Khloe are throwing down, the girls take over the Fairmont Hotel, squealing like a pig in mud. Across town, Ben and Khloe start squealing about the possibility of going on double dates together finally! I think he should just give the final rose to his sister right now and be done with it. Do you think she might be the mystery woman ABC has been advertising that shows up later this episode?

Yay! CH is back to settle the remaining 16 bitches into the hotel. He shows up wearing last night’s outfit of t-shirt, v-neck sweater vest, and sports coat looking like he needs a haircut. He explains the “rules” of the show for the 100th time and drops the first date card before making like horse shit and hitting the trail.

The first one on one date goes to Emily- “Love Lifts Us Up.” Ben meets Emily on the street to tell her they are climbing the Bay Bridge together. Emily is terrified of heights (naturally) and so am I. As they start walking up, I start hyperventilating. Emily does too. Now Ben starts to feel bad.

Ben: “I’m thinking ‘what can I do to help her?’”

Me: “Don’t take a girl who is afraid of heights on a climb up a bridge moron!”

Ben: “We are 250 feet up. This is hands down the craziest thing we’ve ever done together. You know, in the three hours I’ve known her. Unbelievable that we haven’t done other crazy shit yet!”

Side note: There is NO way Emily is actually as scared of heights as she claims. I was sweating just watching all this through my fingers from the comfort of my own couch. If she was truly even half as scared as she claims she would have frozen and not been able to move. Lair!

The producers thankfully let them come down for the night part of their date. However, it appears they make them eat dinner right in the center of the highway on the bridge? I really like Emily. She seems smart, normal, nice (in the not fake way), pretty, and they seem to have good chemistry.

Meanwhile, back at the Fairmont, after the girls spy Em and Ben through a telescope (no joke), the next date card arrives for Blakely, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Samantha, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Casey S. (who?), Jamie, and Elyse. “Let’s Cross Something Off Our Leap List- Ben.” Have you ever heard of a Leap List? I haven’t but thankfully one of the girls explains it is a list of things you want to do before making the leap and getting married. Which doesn’t really make sense to me because I am married but don’t understand how that would stop me from skiing down the street in my bikini. Oh wait. Being married would stop me from doing that because my husband would probably divorce me for doing something so stupid.

Back on the date, Ben offers Emily the rose. She accepts, they kiss, there are fireworks (both literally and figuratively). I’m now rooting for Emily. Team Em!

The next day the group date begins with a lot of black and white stripes. Ben tells them they are going snow skiing. In 85 degree weather. Wearing sundresses and 5 inch heels. Just kidding- they get to take off the heels and dresses to wear bikinis and winter hats and scarves to ski down a man-made snow covered street. Ok, I have to admit- it did look like fun. Minus the bikinis.

Back at the hotel, Lindzi is feeling up set because she hasn’t had a date with Ben yet and Brittney gets the last one on one date in San Fran. “Let’s Unlock Our Love With the Key to the City.” With the card comes a Flavor Flav necklace of a blinged out key which Brittney puts on right away even though she’s “not feeling it.” She starts to self doubt why she is there (because her grandma made her do it).

For the night portion of the group date, they go to some raining pool restaurant where Ben pulls Rachel aside for some one on one time. They hold hands, lai each other, and loud smooch. She must really dig his Chandler Bing sweater vest.

Then Ben and Kacie B. take a walk together to reconnect.

Ben: “There is something about Kacie B. (why does he keep calling her that still?!?!) that really sparkles!”

Me: “It’s her damn shirt! It’s about blinding me already!”

They steal their warm cokes, sneak off, and kiss in a flower bed.

Back at the hotel, Brittney doesn’t know how to count when she tells Emily that living in a house with 25 other girls is not for her (there are only 16 left now Britt! Come on- what’s Grandma gonna say if you leave now?). She decides that she doesn’t want the last one on one date and to just go home now. She sheds some tears, packs her bag, and “leaves forever.” But first she has to go interrupt Ben’s date to tell him she’s leaving. As if it weren’t evident by the suitcase she was lugging behind her. By the way- NO WAY in hell all her stuff fit in that one tiny piece of luggage!

Ben gives the date rose to Rachel, she accepts, the other girls fake act like they’re happy for her, and I’m left wondering who is going to play sloppy seconds to Brittney on the date the next day.

It’s Lindzi. They ride off on a trolly car to eat some ice cream and explore San Francisco City Hall. Where did he ever get the key? I’m guessing the ABC intern had to rip it off of Brittney’s neck before she rode off in the “I’m the one who dumped you taxi.” Matt Nathanson is there to play a private concert for them and two thoughts go through my head: 1.) jealous! I heart Matt Nathanson, and 2.) disappointed. Is Matt Nathanson such a nobody that he has to whore himself out on this show? Lindzi and Ben make out between awkward terrible dancing. Then they travel back in time to 1920 and a speakeasy. They share their past relationship woes with each other. She was dumped via a text; Ben’s proposal on national TV was turned down. Ben gives her the date rose, she accepts, they loud kiss. Then they break into a piano showroom and Ben gives her a lesson while showing off his skills. He’s such a talented piano player he apparently doesn’t even need to have his fingers on the keys and so they slow dance to either a ghost playing the piano or no music at all. Either way- creepy!

But the perfect night isn’t even close to being over! Across town the mystery woman who happens to have CH’s phone number leaves a message for our beautiful host saying she’s on her way to ruin a great cocktail party. Who is it? My money is on Brittney’s grandma.

On the night of the actual cocktail party, Ben shows up wearing a grey suit like a mortician’s (foreshadowing?) and a pink striped skinny tie.

The mystery woman shows herself and it’s none other than Shawntel from Brad’s second season looking to extend her 15 minutes. Good thing Ben wore his mortician’s suit. CH greets her,shows her his bad hair that desperately needs to be cut, and instructs her to freshen up before crashing the cocktail party.

Shawntel enters the cocktail party like she owns the place, not saying a word to anyone. All the girls pretend like they’ve never watched a season of the show before and don’t know who she is. She finds Ben and certainly surprises him in a good way.

They’ve apparently “had words” (my guess is at the reunions?) and she’s “felt something” for him. Courtney and Samantha stand in the open doorway and listen/watch the whole convo. At one point Courtney’s head starts to spin! The girls are all pissed off! But Ben seems happily flattered that Shawntel is there.

The girls are pissed that Shawntel is there. They pretend that she doesn’t have a right to be there because 1.) she doesn’t know Ben (unlike all of them who’ve had a whole 15 minutes to get to know him), 2.) she must be a loser if she has to come on a reality show to find love (unlike them), and 3.) she has thicker thighs than that girl we’ve never seen before.

Finally CH arrives with a shit-eating grin to inform the girls that the booze is no longer a flowin’. He’s going right to the rose ceremony. Emily, Rachel, and Lindzi already have roses. The other 11 go to Courtney, Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S. (who?), Blakely, Monica, Nicki, Samantha, and..... CH steps in to show his mad counting skills and announce there is only one rose left. Jaclyn uses this time to realize she is not getting that rose and bad mouth Shawntel. Erika realize she’s not getting the rose AND her thighs ARE bigger than Shawntel’s so she becomes physically sick. Her face turns white, her lips turn blue, the girls start asking her a million unrelated questions: “Are you hot?”

“Put your head between you legs.”

“Put your head between my legs.”

“No, put your head between Ben’s legs.”

“Are you anemic?”

“Are you a scorpio?”

Where was Jamie the nurse during all this?

Finally the big guy who helped Roz pack her shit when they kicked her off comes to clear the crowd. Of course this is clearly all Shawntel’s fault! Finally Ben gets to give out the final rose and it goes to.... NO ONE! CH is pissed because he hadn’t announced that Samantha’s rose was the final rose, Jaclyn is mad because she really wanted a rose, and even though Erika is fainting again, Ben decides to walk Shawntel out.

I imagine their conversation went something like this:

Ben: “I’m really sorry. I wanted to give that rose to you and was planning on it till that lawyer got sick. Here is my number. Call me in 4 months when whoever I give the final rose to and I finally break up. I wanna crawl up on your embalming table baby!”

Next week they are heading to Park City, Utah, where apparently all the girls are super excited about visiting. And that is where we end this leg of the journey. What do you think? Was Ben’s decision fair? Are all these girls nuts? Is Shawntel nuts? Does Ben own a pair of nuts? Do you think CH will get his mop cut before next week? Tune in next Monday to find out! In the meantime, leave your comment in the comment section. If you need me I will be off practicing skiing in my bikini.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ben Episode 2 Recap Ben Episode 2 Recap

Before I get to the recap I wanted to thank those who read and comment each week. I know more than 3 people read this so if you do read it and you like it please comment. Also, I will apologize in advance for this recap being only slightly more entertaining than watching paint dry. I've come to the conclusion that Ben is pretty dull (emphasis on the word dull) and therefore, recaps of the back of a cereal box would probably have more substance than this but anyway, here you have it!

Episode opens with views of Ben's vineyard. Or any other vineyard really. He's walking Scotchie and the grapes they show make me thirsty for a good glass of vino. Then again, my laundry, the grocery list, the tv remote often all make me want a glass of wine as well but that's neither here nor there. Ben decides to bring all the women to his hometown. Screw the mandatory 10 weeks before seeing his city- Ben is breaking all the rules and bringing these bitches home on the second week! That or CH was too drunk to pay the mortgage on the mansion this month.

The women arrive in Sonoma, move into their new digs, and Ben drops the first date card for Kacie B. while the rest of the girls go night swimming. Ben takes Kacie B. (why does he keep calling her by her name and the first initial of her last name? Are they in second grade?!?!) to a deserted park for a walk. They end up in a hotel lobby to play heart and soul on the piano that the ABC intern had to lug back inside after last week's solo Ben played on it outside of the mansion. After Ben realizes his lesson isn't going well and Kacie B. can't play at all, he takes her to a toy store where she buys a baton to show off her majorette skills. Not sure how this move didn't get busted out at the first night cocktail party. Not sure what happened after that either because I think I fell asleep.

Back at the house, the next date card arrives for Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn. "Come Play With Me- Ben." Blakeley pretends she's not interested in going on a date with the other girls because she wants Ben to herself but I see her making eyes with Monica.

Back on the snorefest, I mean date, Ben pretends this show worked for him once before and therefore gives Kacie B. the date rose. She accepts, they kiss, Ben takes her and her baton twirling to a private screening of her childhood movies, followed by Ben naked fixing things with his dad as a two year old.

The next day, on the massive group date, Blakeley wears the ugliest unitard/overalls combo ever. She's ready to show off her boobs her love for other women her “spark” and get the rose.
Ben has hired "playwrites" to write a play for the ladies to act out. Unfortunately, they're a bunch of 8 year olds.

Ben: "I love kids so I thought it'd be a great idea to get some kids involved in this date!"
ABC Intern: "Shit! I gotta call Chris before CSB shows up!"

The kids have all the girls make fools of themselves.

Back at the house, Courtney and Lindzi discuss who will get the last one on one date of the night. Courtney and her Rainbow Brite shirt put Lindzi and her dimples down buy telling her she only got the first impression rose because she rode in on a horse. Erika listens in like this conversation is about her.
Ben takes the women to a community theatre to perform the play the kids wrote. The girls pretend they are 1.) nervous and 2.) the people there are expecting to see a professional play instead of the one their kids wrote. Three things about the play: 1.) it was terrible, 2.) there is no way 5th graders wrote that, and 3.) why did Ben have to get "almost" naked? He does NOT have a "smokin' body." (I'm talking to you Nicki!).

Of course there is a wrap party after the play where Rachel and Emily pull Ben aside to group kiss him while Blakeley group pissed off the rest of the girls by talking about how she's going to guard and protect Ben's heart with her inner wrist tat and her 15 inch earrings.

Samantha meanwhile sulks off because her Miss Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania sash was covered up by her costume during the play so Jennifer and Jaclyn go looking for her. When they find her hiding in the bathroom, Jaclyn offers to lend her her doily jacket if Blakeley gets the rose.

Anyone else having a hard time staying awake at this point? When is Jenna going to open up her bag of crazy again and make this party interesting? And where the hell is CH when you need him anyway?!?

Meanwhile, back at the house, the doorbell of doom rings, bringing the news of the date card and who gets the one on one. It goes to Courtney who likes "winning, duh!" "Let's Spin The Bottle - Ben." This pissed all the other girls off because they haven't played that game since 7th grade and really want to.

Back on the group date, Ben has gotten all the ladies into the pool for games of chicken and "see whose earrings can be used a a floatation device." After loudly kissing Jennifer and dirty kissing Blakeley, Ben gives the date rose to Blakeley because her earrings won the game. Blakeley gets all hot and bothered just talking about Ben. "I mean, I'm getting wet just thinking about it!"

The next day, Ben brings Scotch (the dog, not the liquor- he's a wine man, remember?) along for his date with Courtney. I'm really hoping for some baby talk with the dog. Instead I get to witness Ben dog howling while walking through a forest of redwoods. I'm betting Courtney didn't even need to be there.

Over dinner, Ben gets Courtney to open up about her relationship with Jesse Metcalf. Apparently he left other women's underwear in their bed. I wonder if they were Gabrielle Solis's? Ben eats her up with a spoon, the two loud kiss, he gives her the rose.

Finally we arrive at the rose ceremony cocktail party. But still no sign of CH. Because they already have roses and are safe, Courtney wears Jaclyn's doily dress and Blakeley sees if she can get away with wearing 18 inch earrings.

Ben pulls Lindzi aside to reassure her that even though she didn't get a date this week, she's still getting a rose. I mean, she rode in on a horse the first night people! Of course she's getting another rose. That and her dimples are so deep, Ben is afraid she might be hiding a gun in there!

Finally some drama starts to happen but honestly at this point I was so bored with the show it didn't make up for the 1 hour and 40 minutes I'd already wasted on it. Blakeley steals Ben away from Miss Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for some alone time. This makes all the other girls angry since she already has a rose. Then she goes in for some more one on one time with Ben causing the other ladies to want to punch her in the face. Especially Monica who thought they had something special together. And by "they" I am not talking about Ben. Blakeley doesn't understand why her behavior upsets the other girls and she starts to self destruct. She goes to the luggage room, crouches in a corner, and fake cries till Ben comes to find her like they were playing a game of hide and seek.

Ben pulls Jenna outside and I hold my breath, hoping for something interesting to finally happen with this episode. Surely this lunatic will do something crazy, right? Unfortunately, the only controversially thing she does is try to burn the place down by putting a blanket on a candle. Boy Scout Ben to the rescue though! Crisis adverted. Just as Jenna is starting to open up about her sex change by telling Ben she's not really a girl, Jaclyn comes to interrupt the pari by telling Ben she's found the Wizard in the Emerald City! Jenna pulls an Ali and cries under a big comforter in bed.

Finally, 110 minutes into the show, CH, the real reason we all watch this show, makes his first apperance of the night after getting all the hookers out of the mansion and sleeping one off. He pulls Ben aside before another chic's dress gets twisted backwards or takes a dump in the corner of the suitcase room. He impresses everyone with his ability to carry roses to a table and count to 16. Kacie B., Blakeley, and Courtney already have buds. The other 13 go to: Jennifer, Emily, Eylse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey S. (who?), Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Brittney. Which means Shawn gets to go back to her son and Jenna gets to go blog about how she's not really a girl. I was so hoping that craziness would stick around a while longer. Now my money's on Blakeley and Courtney for being the nuttiest and bitchiest duo left.

So what did you think? Anyone else have trouble staying awake? Who do you think returns next week in the hooker heels? Who faints? Who is not there for the right reasons? See you next week when this amazing journey continues!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Ben Episode 1 Recap

It’s been a long six months since we’ve seen CH’s piercing baby blues but he makes it all worth it as he welcomes us back to the bachelor mansion with his charming smile and smart suit. Oh how we’ve missed you CH. He wastes some time in recapping Ben’s sweaty journey to rejection with Ashley last season before introducing us to the new and improved Ben 2.0 model that ABC has been busy creating all summer and fall. Instead of the usual shirtless bachelor working out on the beach and showering, we get shots of Ben drinking wine, steering a boat wearing Greg Brady’s orange tank top, driving a tractor around his vineyards, and smelling the fart while looking at his farm as Ben’s voice-over tells us he’s ready for love again. He plays my daughter’s piano recital piece on an outdoor piano (yes, really. It was outside. WTH?) while musing that he is humbled to be ABC’s 2nd 3rd choice for this season of the train wreck we all love to hate.


CH wants to introduce us to the 25 women we’re about to be introduced to momentarily by showing clips of some of them in their hometowns. Here are my brief impressions of those few we get to see:


Lindzi C.- 25; works in sales. She likes to “ride” (if you know what I mean). She looks way older than 25. (Remember this information for later).


Amber T.- claims she’s 28 but it says 29 on the screen. She likes to shoot things and eat dirt. She says “If everything works out, Ben will definitely be coming back to Nebraska. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll shoot his face off.” At least that is what I heard.


Kacie- 24; dorky.


Courtney- 28; model. I predict she will be the house bitch.


Jamie- 25; RN who works in labor and delivery. Because of that, she’s ready to get married and start having babies. And she’s basically raised all her siblings too because of her parents’ tragic past. She has about 10 of them and they are all supposed to be younger than she is but they all look to be about 40.


Lyndzie J.- from London. She bugs me.


Jenna- 29; blogger. I know she can’t be nearly as cool as me. Plus, she has a mink coat draped over her bed. WTH?!?!


Shawn- 28; has a 4 year old son and needs a hair dresser to fix her 2 tone hair.


Nicki- 26; she’s gone through things in her past just like Ben. What a small world! They should be perfect together seeing as no one else has gone through anything ever.


As the women get into the limos to come meet Ben, CH and Ben reunite. After sharing a long look across the wet driveway, Ben and CH sit down to talk. If you’ve ever watched another first episode of this show before you can just fast forward through the next ten minutes. Ben says how embarrassed he was to be dumped on national tv by the last bachelorette (but will have no problem embarrassing one of these fine ladies), how heart broken he was, how much stronger he is now because of it, how he doesn’t regret it, how he’s sure this process works (even though it’s track record has only produced 2 marriages in the 57 seasons it’s been on), and how he’s totally ready to find love again.


Moving on... the drunk girls start arriving. As they stumble out of their limos, pretending to be so excited that Ben’s The Bachelor, these are my second 1st impressions:


Rachel- seems somewhat normal and very cute. I like her.


Erika- lost 1/2 her dress to an angry cat on the way over. She seems crazy and slutty. A perfect mix!


Amber B.- is wearing a dress Sister Maria made for her out curtains and offered to let Ben eat her.


Elyse- forgettable.


Jenna- has ten inch roots to her 13 inch hair. Messes up quoting something Ben said last season before going inside to brood the rest of the night about what an idiot she is.


Courtney- looks like Katie Holmes.


Emily- is OCD about germs but has no problem shoving her tongue down Ben’s throat so she can brag that she got the first kiss.


Samantha- is wearing her beauty pageant sash. No. Joke.


Casey S.- bad see-thru dress.


Amber T.- ugly tiger print dress, tries to walk in the wrong door so she could make him fall in love with her at second sight. Left her gun at home. Or in the limo.


Holly- huge, ugly hat. I don’t think I need to say more.


Jamie- he puts her nerves at ease by pointing out it’s much more nerve wracking on her end. Um, Ben... how does that make her feel better again?


Shira- asks Ben if he is He-Man and if this is the Castle of Gray Skull.


Blakely- forgettable (for now).


Sheryl- grandma who fell in love with Ben last season and has come to introduce her granddaughter, Brittney to him. Best intro ever!


Brittney- brings her grandma.


Nicki- she’s “glad it’s Ben.”


Dianna- so drunk she can’t even talk.


At this point I realize that Ben is doing NOTHING to engage these girls. He’s boring!


Jennifer- talks numbers because she’s an accountant.


Lyndsie J.- wrote a poem for Ben and then ran out of time and didn’t do her hair so she threw it in a messy ponytail.


Anna- didn’t get the memo on how the show works and walks right into the house without saying a word to Ben. Stupid or brilliant?


Monica- is wearing the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast as a skirt.


Jaclyn- forgettable.


Shawn- bright green dress; big butt.


Kacie B.- calls him Benjamin

.

Lindzie C.- rides her horse to meet Ben. Ben admits he’s never dismounted anyone before. TMI Ben, TMI.


Everyone is super jealous of the girl who rode in on a horse, especially Holly who realizes Lindzie C.’s hat is way cuter than her own. I predict Lindzie C. will go far. I like her actually.


The producers have pumped the girls with enough alcohol that they can have Ben enter the mansion and the women can pretend/actually think he’s hot and perfect.


Rachel and Ben sit down to talk. She says she’s a small town girl and in the same breath she says that she lives in New York City. Apparently she doesn’t know the definition of the word small. That might come in handy for Ben down the road during the overnight dates so my bet is she’ll stick around for a bit.

Side note----> are her ear lobes weird or is she wearing funky earrings?


Lindzie C. and Ben sit down for some alone time and apparently she’s aged two years since the start of the episode (I know I feel like I have) because now the screen says she’s 27 when earlier she was only 25. Their alone time goes well which further pisses off the rest of the girls.


Ben and Grandma sit down to talk before Ben realizes she’s not for him and walks her to the reject limo where she actually cries on the way home. As hot as Sheryl is, Ben is not into sharing and since she’s already married, Ben has to let her go. He then sits down with Sheryl’s granddaughter Brittney. As far as I can tell, they have nothing in common. She’ll get a rose tonight for sure but I doubt she will go much farther.


CH arrives with the 1st impression rose and a wet blanket to throw on the fun. This rose causes the girls to pull out all the stops: Holly puts her hat on Ben’s head, Shawn takes him outside to play soccer in her heels, Blakely shows him her Kasey Kahl tattoo, Elyse makes him do push-ups (I could do more than he did!), Emily sings a bad rap about diseases.


Monica admits to Jenna that she’s only said four words to Ben and can’t declare her love for him yet. This pisses the blogger off. You know that words about Monica will be written in her blog soon! But Monica admits to the camera and Blakely too that she loves women and Blakely’s beautiful teeth. They go outside together, lay all over each other, and look like they are about to make out. CH and Ben are watching from the production room with a box of tissues.


Monica and Jenna are both bat shit crazy. I really hope they both get roses. That bag of crazy is sure to entertain!


At this point I realize Ben hasn’t been on for at least two commercials. I know he’s smoking his post-coital cigarette with Hare in the production room while watching the drama unfold in the mansion but I also suspect the producers have realized he’s boring and these lunatics are much more interesting!


Alas, he shows up at the tail end of Jenna’s cry session after her fight with Monica. She opens her bag of crazy and lets Ben get a glimpse of her issues while “yelling” at him for being too calm.


Ben finally grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Lindzie C. because her horse that she rode in on is named “First Impression Rose.” She accepts, they peck kiss, Jenna blogs through her tears in the bathroom, and CH finally comes in banging his champagne glass of doom. But before the rose ceremony can begin, the producers have to lure Jenna out of the bathroom with the promise of a year’s supply of Prozac. Ben comes in, says how hard it’s been, CH mumbles under his breath “that’s what she said”, Ben passes out the rest of the roses.


  1. Lindzie C.
  2. Jamie
  3. Rachel
  4. Blakely
  5. Emily
  6. Kacie B.
  7. Casey S. (who?)
  8. Brittney
  9. Erika
  10. Shawn
  11. Nicki
  12. Jennifer (again, who?)
  13. Elyse
  14. Samantha
  15. Courtney
  16. Jaclyn
  17. Monica

and after CH interrupts to impress everyone with his mad counting skills, 18. Jenna


So there we have it. I don’t think the words “journey” or “amazing” were used at all tonight! Do you think Ben finds love or will he be left at the final rose ceremony alter once again? Who will be the villains this season? Who is the front runner in your mind? Tune in next week for more of the crazy!