Ali Episode 5 recap

Before I start on the recap I wanted to say thanks to my readers. I noticed the last few weeks that I have had a few new visitors to this site. I appreciate the time you have taken to read my views on this train wreck of a show and I hope you have enjoyed my sarcasm. Thanks for leaving a comment after the recap as well- I love the feedback. Now on to the show…


Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the phrases “guard and protect” and “wear my heart on my sleeve.”


Show opens without CH! How will we ever know what’s going on? ABC has apparently cut the budget because not only do we not get CH, we don’t even get real cameramen. Each guy is given a camcorder in the airport to record their trip to Iceland themselves. I guess they didn’t get any interesting footage though because we see each guy make a silly face at the camera in the NY airport and the next thing we see is them walking down the street in Iceland.


Ali walks around Iceland with George Costansa’s “leave-behind” hat still doubting herself.
Ali: “I know I can find some guy to love here. Heck, I thought I loved that dork Jake last season so obviously I’ll love anyone. My biggest concern is if they’ll love me back. And if they will guard and protect my heart.”


The guys walk down the street bitching about how cold it is. In Iceland. CH is there to greet them wearing 59 shirts and to explain the dates: three dates this week- 1 group date, 1 one on one date, and 1 two on one date. The one on one date goes to the guy who writes and performs the best love poem for Ali. They have one hour to write the poem. If they can include Icelandic words they get extra credit. If not, they have to stay after school and clap erasers.


The next thing that happens is probably the most dramatic thing this show has ever seen! Chris N. speaks! He talks more to some random dude on the street then he has to Ali all season.


So I thought they spoke English in Iceland but I guess not because I couldn’t understand a word the natives said to our dear bachelors. Anyone catch anything? The only thing I thought I might have heard was “stupid Americans” and “dumb show.”


Frank admits he’s written a few love poems in his day. Really? You don’t say Frank! So he’s feeling really confident.


The guys perform their poems and they go like this:


Craig: reads something unintelligible in Icelandic. Then admits he made it up. Pretty funny actually.


Kasey: “I’m crazy Kasey and I’m here to stay. You can’t get rid of me any day. I will always guard and protect your heart. Pull my finger and you’ll hear me fart.”


Ty: talks about his dorky hat. I think he also mentions his dogs?


Justin: rhymes random words with “wrestle.”


Roberto: speaks in Spanish then flashes his dimples.


Chris L.: reads a Dr. Seuss book.


Chris N.: “Hi Ali. I’m Chris N. I know we’ve never really talked before. But don’t worry- I haven’t spoken a word to anyone on this journey. Anyway, it was nice to finally meet you. Should I pack my bags now or wait till the rose ceremony?”


Kirk: he pets her while impressing Frank with his poem.


Frank: steals Kirk’s move of approaching Ali and touches her while telling her how great she is.


Ali picks Kirk for the one on one date because he touched her and used the word “journey.”


Kasey tells the camera that Kirk is a lucky guy but he’s not worried because he came there to find love and he’s not going to leave Ali alone till she loves him back. Or faces a restraining order. Whichever comes last.


Kirk and Ali go pick out matching Cedar Point outfits together at “The Sweater Shop” and then feed the geese before getting Ali the drink she so desperately needs.


Kirk is nervous to tell Ali about his dating past. Ali suspects he’s not telling her something important. But she downs three shots of vodka and doesn’t care anymore.


Back at the bachelor hotel room, the group date card comes: Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank. That means crazy Kasey and Rated-R Justin are going on the two on one date.


Back on the date, Ali and Kirk go to dinner and Kirk opens up about his past. He was really sick 5 years ago because of a haunted house he lived in while in college. No one could cure him so he saw a voodoo doctor who told him the house he lived in had mold and asbestos. The only way to cure it was to go back to the house on Halloween night and sleep there alone in the attic. Somehow from this story Kirk decides he’s meant to be with Ali and Ali gets turned on by it all and starts to make out with him. Then she gives him the rose.


The next day is the group date and man is it BORING! They ride these weird little horses and then have to repel into a cave. Ty comments that there’s no telling what’s down in the cave. Even though there is safety equipment sticking out the hole and power cords from the cameras in there.


Meanwhile, Justin wants to one up Kasey’s tattoo so he gets his fake cast removed for his date. And it’s a good thing too because if he thought walking on the beach with crutches was hard, there is no way he could have trekked up the icy mountain with those bad boys!


Back on the date, the 6 dudes and Ali sit in the bottom of the hole together. I’m surprised the producers didn’t make crippled Justin go on this obstacle course of a date. Then they all go to a hot springs which is a giant hot tub that Ali says is “magical!” Ali downs her champagne like it’s shots of tequila and steals Ty away to “explore.” Which translates to “swim to the other side of the rock to get away from the rest of the guys.” Ali baby talks to Ty while straddling him. However, she keeps looking over his shoulder to see what the others are doing. And although she does hump his leg, he doesn’t get a kiss.


Then Ali takes Chris L. to the same spot and slurs to him, “Tell me about your past relationships.” He starts to tell her but she starts to giggle before kissing him.


Frank peels Ali off Chris L. and takes her inside. Ali is so drunk I can’t understand a thing she says. That or she has learned Icelandic. Frank can’t understand her either but he doesn’t even care because they are finally alone together.


By the time Ali has to give out the rose, she’s so drunk it’s comical.
Ali: “What an amaything day. (giggle giggle) First the cold! And now the warm spath!” She gives the rose to Ty after seeming to forget his name for a second. Then she passes out.


The next day, Justin and Kasey pack their bags and Kasey tells Frank he’s excited to show Ali his tattoo because he’s literally put his heart on his sleeve. I yell at my TV that 1.) that’s NOT his heart but a picture of one that the ABC intern drew and 2.) that’s not his sleeve- it’s his ARM!


The three are whisked away in a helicopter to watch the volcano erupt. Ali has apparently gotten over her fear of flying because she doesn’t even seem bothered by the volcano spewing hot lava at them and is more bothered by the fact that she has to spend the whole day with these two weirdos. They land on the volcano to make it easier for Ali to get rid of one of the guys at the end of the day. No need for a reject helicopter- just push the guy into the volcano.


Before heading into an ice cave to drink some Irish coffee, Ali tells the camera, “The only thing Kasey needs to do on this date is be normal.”


No one has told her that usually Kasey spends his days locked in a 6 by 6 padded cell and that this is the most “normal” he’s been in years.


Ali and Justin have some boring alone time before she heads outside for her alone time with Kasey. He decides to tell her about his tattoo. Ali starts looking around like she’s being Punked. I look away because I am so embarassed.


Ali makes both guys trek up the mountain just to give away the rose and push the other guy off. She gives the rose to Justin and doesn’t even need to push Kasey off- he jumps. Ok, so she doesn’t push him and he doesn’t jump but they do leave him alone on the top of the freezing mountain and fly off in the helicopter.


The rose ceremony arrives and Kirk wears his dorky sweater from their date. Ali wears Elizabeth Taylor’s dress. Craig draws a fake tattoo on his arm.


Ali pulls Chris N. aside for some alone time and (I’m not making this up) asks him to tell her one thing about him that she doesn’t know. He tells her his name.


Chris L. tells Ali he would move to San Francisco and then talks more about his dead mom again.


Roberto and Ali kiss and talk about how hot he is.


Finally CH steals Ali away to make her decision. They sit down to talk it over together.
Ali: “Why are we doing this now Chris? We’re 5 episodes in and have never done this before.”
CH: “Well Ali, two reasons. First of all, ABC didn’t fly me all the way here just to count to four at the rose ceremony. And secondly, Kasey didn’t go nuts enough for us when you dumped him. We were counting on a good 15 minutes of footage of his craziness. Since that didn’t happen, we need to fill this leftover time with something. Plus, you are so insecure and I like to needle you about that. So tell me why you aren’t good enough for these guys again.”
Ali and CH talk about how she’s afraid of not being loved back. She’s so whiney and irritating. And drunk. She finally goes to the table with the pictures and pretends she doesn’t already know she’s sending Chris N. home.


The time to pass out the roses finally arrives. Kirk, Ty, and Justin already have roses. The other four go to Frank, Chris L., Roberto, and Craig. Going home with Kasey is Chris N.


Chris N. gets in the reject limo (wouldn’t it be hilarious if Kasey were sitting in there too?) and says- I’M NOT JOKING- “I don’t know what to say. I’m kinda at a loss for words.” No shit! You have been at a loss for words for the last five weeks! Until tonight I seriously thought the guy was a mute!


Next week the guys and Ali are heading to Turkey and we will find out that someone has a girlfriend back home! Who do you think it is? Justin? Roberto? Wes? Tune in next week to find out. Until then….