Emily Episode 7 Recap

This week’s episode wastes no time with “previously on” recaps and jumps right into Prague- the “perfect place to fall in love.”  Emily wanders the city contemplating the remaining men she has left.  Meanwhile, the guys arrive to be greeted by CH wearing a dark brown coat.  He welcomes them and informs them this week is the “most important week so far.”  I wonder when that statement could be uttered and it not be true.  CH explains the rose situation for the 975th time and sends them to their hotel to search for the first date card.

1st Date: Arie “Let’s check out Prague together”

Arie changes out of his mandatory “sit-around-the-hotel-with-the-guys-hoodie” and gets ready for his date.  The duo walks around the city while Emily reads to him from the tourist information sheet the ABC typed up for her before the date.

Emily confides to the cameraman that she’s aware Arie has a secret he’s hiding from her.  Instead of just being an adult and asking Arie if it’s true that he had a previous relationship with someone connected to the show, she decides to beat around the bush and play games with him to get it out of him.

But what’s this?  A PSA from CH?  In the middle of the show?  While standing in front of the Bachelor Pad mansion in LA?

CH: “I wanted to take this time to talk about something you may have heard about.  Pre-martial sex.  It can lead to pregnancy and STDs.  The only way to be 100% safe is through abstinence.”  The more you know!

Wait!  That’s not it.  He’s talking about Arie’s relationship with a show producer.  I’m totally ready for the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit to show up and help Arie find his way back to the airport.  But that’s not what happens.  The Bachelor gods bless us with a totally unscripted conversation between the producer Arie had a relationship with, Cassie, and Emily.  Someone had the good sense to record this.  

Back to the game playing between Emily and Arie... Arie tells her how trustworthy he is as Emily stews in the knowledge that he’s dated other people before coming on this show!

CH also knew that Cassie, Emily, and Arie needed to have a conversation about everything too but no one thought to invite the cameraman to this meeting of the minds.  Apparently it’s all water under the bridge and Emily and Arie continue the night part of their date on a bridge that is in fact over water!  They “I’m sorry.”  “No, I’m sorry” each other before making out.  Then Arie drops the “I love you” bomb on Emily who responds with “That’s so sweet!” They kiss and some fireworks literally go off.

2nd Date: John (is he really still around?) “In Prague, all you need is love.”

The two meet in the streets of Prague before boarding a boat for a water tour of the city.  They head to the John Lennon wall where the ABC intern has been busy setting up a ladder, paints, and brushes so Emily and John can have some art time.  They draw a boat that looks like a stick figure rocket ship that’s tipped over, write their names inside it, and head over to the next tourist trap- a fence with lots of locks on it.  The ABC intern laughs as he realizes the lock he gave them is too small to fit around the fence post.  The symbolism is lost on no one.

For the night part of their date, Emily and John go to dinner in the basement of a haunted church.  Or something like that.  She likes to take this guy under ground for their dates.  After all, she wants to go “deeper” with him (that’s what she said).  While laying on an old mattress in the creepy basement, John shares how his last girlfriend cheated on him.  I wonder if he appreciates the irony.  He brags that he’s not a starter but a closer and they make out.

John returns to the hotel and shares that his date went well.  Sean knows that Emily must be close to the hotel and leaves to go find her.  He “finds” her alone in a back alley and they hug.  They kiss.  They rub arms.  Then they head to a little pub the ABC intern had to pay off to open up for them at night.  The owner allows them in but the kitchen and bar are closed so the two kiss.  Once the owner gets sick of it and kicks them out, the pair continue to suck face in the street.  Get a room.

3rd Date: Chris, Doug, and Sean “Let’s find our happily ever after...”

It’s pouring rain as the men meet Emily in the street.  The ABC intern was nice enough to retrieve Travis’s umbrella after he threw it into the street in Croatia so the men have something to keep themselves dry with.  They venture to an old castle while Emily spews tourist information about the castle that she read in the travel guide provided to her by the producers.

Doug and Emily spend some alone time together.  He acts like every time they touch she burns him.  Emily can’t stand it any longer.  She walks him outside and shows him the reject van.  

Side note: how long was their alone time?!?!  She appears to pull him aside as soon as they get to the castle when it’s still light out.  It is pitch black as Doug’s van pulls away with him ugly crying in the back.

Emily gives the two remaining men a key to a midget door.  The guy whose key opens the door gets some more one on one time with Emily.  In a completely planned random turn, Sean’s key opens the door.  While those two play kissy face, Chris plans how he will kill everyone if he doesn’t get a rose.  But I hope his plan is fool proof because Emily gives the date rose to Sean.

3rd Date: Duckie “This is your chance to pull my heart strings.”

Emily picks up Duckie for their date and anger management Chris stews in his anger.  Emily and Duckie visit a marionette puppet shop and pick out a couple of puppets to to perform a show with.  At the last minute, Duckie runs back and buys a puppet for Little Ricki.  He should have also bought Emily a pair of pants seeing as she clearly forgot to put any on.  Their puppet show is completely awkward and weird.  I feel like I am watching my daughter play Barbies with her friends.  But Emily LOVES it!  They ditch the marionettes and make out on the library floor.  For the first time in the history of this show, the bachelorette and a guy actually discuss important marriage issues such as living together before marriage and kids. Duckie delivers the best line of the show when he whispers into Emily’s mouth, “I want to date you so hard and marry the f--k out of you!”

Rose Ceremony

The guys enter for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Sean already has a rose.  Arie and Duckie feel safe.  John is sure he will get a rose because his date went so well.  I’m sure that him admitting this is the kiss of doom on this show.  Chris is afraid his plan to murder everyone if he doesn’t get a rose will not go according to plan.  But before the cocktail party can even begin, Emily is pulling CH into the room of pictures to tell him she doesn’t need a drink before sending one guy home.  CH tells the guys to line up immediately.  The rose ceremony is starting immediately!  Chris starts to melt down faster than a bowl of ice cream on a 90 degree day.

Sean already has a rose.  Emily enters and passes out two more to Arie and Duckie.  Before CH can show off his mad counting skills and announce there is only one rose left, Chris interrupts and asks to speak to Emily alone.  He pulls her into another room, drapes a big red blanket over her shoulders and apologizes for acting like a psycho when he didn’t get the rose on the group date.  I notice that he doesn’t apologize for acting like a psycho right now.  But Emily appears to like it and takes him back to the rose ceremony and gives the final rose to him!

So that’s where we end things as we head into the hometown dates.  Do you think Emily made the right choices this week?  Did Chris deserve to stay or do you think John should have gotten another chance?  Will Doug ever find a mom for Austin?  Where do you think Emily finds all these clothes with bling?  Thanks for your patience with my delayed post once again.  I will be back next week for some good family drama.  If you need me before then, I will be bedazzling a pair of shorty shorts to wear on my next date night with the hubs.

Emily Episode 6 Recap

Thanks for sticking with me another week.  Again, I apologize for getting the recap up so late.  Between my daughter’s softball game schedule and my boredom with this season, it’s been difficult for me to get through the show each Monday night.  Having an extra day has made it easier to endure.  With that said, let’s get to the show!

The episode opens with a cat sitting on a ruined castle wall and Emily arriving in Croatia sans Little Ricki.  The men arrive on a fishing boat without CH.  How will they ever figure out the rose situation without him there to explain what it means to get a rose vs. what happens if they don’t get a rose?

Emily welcomes the guys to their suite at the hotel and drops off the first date card to Travis- “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.”

Travis packs his shit, changes into a plaid button down which is proving to be this season’s long scarf.  Except for with Ryan who didn’t get the memo that explained the switch.  Travis greets Emily in the Old City and they walk around the walled city while Emily recites tourism brochure information to him.

For the night part of the date, Emily and Travis walk through the rain to a courtyard candlelit dinner.  Emily wears her Olivia Newton John pleather jacket and jeans.  The ABC intern forgot to give Travis the dress code memo so he shows up wearing a sports coat and and dress shirt.  They’re gray.  He opens up to her about his failed engagement two years ago.  Emily keeps mum about her failed engagement from two years ago.  Travis flatters Emily every chance he gets.  But Emily isn’t buying it even though she likes him as a friend.  She’s not feeling the romance and so she sends him home roseless.  And umbrellaless.  Dude, why’d you do that?

2nd Date: John, Doug, Sean, Duckie, Chris, and Arie. “Lasting love requires bravery.”

Why are there still this many guys on group dates?  Or at all actually?  They all show up for the date wearing their plaid button down shirts and meet Emily at the movie theater.  They watch a children’s G rated movie.  The extended commercial for the new Disney movie seems a little off to me.  After all, how many 5 year olds are watching The Bachelorette?  OK, I suppose Little Ricki and all her friends are.  Fair enough!  But the guys all seem to love it!

Afterwards, Emily makes the guys wear kilts and compete in their own version of the Highland Games.  They ride around on asses to shoot arrows, throw logs, and perform in a gay version of tug-o-war in which the winner ends up with another guy between his legs and on of top of him.  The producers give Emily a nice warm winter coat to wear while the rest of them freeze their donkeys off in sleeveless shirts and short skirts.  Even though Sean was the best and won all the games, Emily awards the “bravery cup” to Chris because even though he sucked at all the events, he owned it!  Emily gives him some alone time and they kiss under a rainbow.

For the night part of the date, Emily takes the guys to a cocktail party in the freezing outdoors.  She at least allows them all to change out of the ridiculous kilts and summons the ABC intern to find more big soft blankets.  She pulls each of them away for a little alone chat time and make out sessions.  Chris gets the date rose in the end though.

3rd Date: Ryan “The world is our oyster.”

The men all sit around the hotel room with their hoodie hoods on their heads and listen to Ryan brag about being the first guy to get the second one on one date.  Everyone agrees that Ryan is an ass.  Everyone but Emily apparently, as she’s the one who come to pick him and his cheesy pick up lines up.  Ryan continues to feed Emily terrible pick up lines and she eats them up!  The duo go oyster fishing.  Emily chokes on the oyster and can’t swallow it.  Next time Ryan will give her a pearl necklace instead.  No swallowing required!

For the night portion of their date, Ryan and Emily go to dinner inside a castle.  Ryan drops more Ryan-isms.  He reads his list of 12 things he wants to find in a wife.  Emily likes his list of bullshit but would rather his number one item be “loving family.”  So because of this, Emily can’t give Ryan the date rose.  Ryan spews his voo-doo magic and makes the bachelorette question herself.  Where is CH when he’s needed most?  Emily clearly needs a pep talk from him!  Seriously.  Where has he been?  At home signing the divorce papers?  At the local bar getting hammered with Fliess?  At a strip club?  We need you Harrison!

CH is no where around so Arie decides he needs to be the one to comfort Emily after her rough date with Ryan.  He “sneaks” over to her villa with prompting from the producers to “surprise” her.  He gives her props for sending Ryan home, they snuggle and kiss.  And she LOVES it!  She loves it so much she gives Arie Ryan’s rose.  Arie doesn’t mind sloppy seconds.  He doesn’t even mind when Emily tells him the rose is a secret and he needs to hide it.

Cocktail Party

Emily arrives wearing Princess Leah’s robe.  Too bad she didn’t do the side buns too.  Chris has a rose already.  Arie has a secret rose.  Emily says that John and Doug are on the bubble.  She pulls John aside first.  They snuggle under the same fluffy white blanket that Emily and Duckie made out under at the beach.  Hope the ABC intern has washed that thing!  John shares his grandparents’ funeral cards with Emily.  They share some tears and bond over the deaths of loves ones.  He gets his first kiss and pops Emily’s bubble.

Next, Emily pulls Doug aside.  They sit as far away from each other on the couch as possible and discuss how shy Doug is.  He mumbles all his answers to Emily’s questions before Emily finally makes the first move and forces Doug to put his arm around her.  Their whole convo is very uncomfortable.

CH finally arrives with his champagne glass of doom.  Where has he been this whole episode?!?  Has he been practicing counting to four this whole time or what?

Emily comes out to hand out the roses.  Chris already has a bud.  Sean, Duckie, and Arie get the next three.  CH announces that he knows that four minus three equals one and Emily freaks out.  She rushes out to find the corner CH is hiding in and asks him to help her break the rules.  I think she is going to give the rose to CH himself (wishful thinking, huh?).  She reminds me of Jake when he did the same thing only she does it much more coherently.  Good thing the producers make a WWCHD bracelet for all bachelors/bachelorettes.  Emily asks CH for an extra rose.  CH proves that he also knows how to add as well as subtract and brings out another bud for Emily to hand out in the most unsuspenseful rose ceremony ever.  Which means that both Doug and John get to stay another week.

And that’s where we end week six of this journey.  What do you think?  Did Emily make the right choices this week?  Do you think Duckie gets cuter every episode?  Who do you think will go home next?  Discuss in the comments section and I’ll see you next week.  If you need me before then, I will be writing down my top 12 list of Ryan-isms.

Emily Episode 5 Recap

First off, I’d like to apologize for not writing a recap last week.  It was one of those crazy weeks with something going on every night of the week.  I didn’t even get to watch the show at all till late Wednesday night and by that point I was so tired I didn’t even know if I’d make it through the whole show at all.  Let alone pause it to jot down notes for the recap.  It’s unfortunate too because there was a lot of noteworthy crying that took place!

All that being said, I also want to thank you for sticking around.  If you like what your read, please comment.  If not, why are you still here?  Now let’s get to it!

The show opens in lovely London.  The Queen herself welcomes Emily and her entourage to jolly ol’ England.  Ok, so it’s just a royal looking dude on a horse and CH.  Emily’s voice over tell us this is the prefect  place to take Little Ricki on a free vacay fall in love.  The men arrive at Trafalgar Square and CH reiterates the same rules for the 859th time.  The guys head back to their hotel where the first date card awaits.

1st date: Sean “Love takes no prisoners.”

Sean borrows a tight black t-shirt from Ryan and messes up his hair just enough before heading out to meet Emily for a tour of the city.  They enjoy a picnic while Emily nurses her laryngitis with a tall glass of wine.  They both seem very normal on this date and quite nice but a little boring for tv.  I’ll spare you the details and skip to the night portion of their date.

For the night part, the ABC intern pulls some major strings to arrange a dinner inside the prison of the London Tower.  Their convo is once again slightly boring but they seem to like each other so Sean gets the rose.  Then they admire the view out of their cell window before kissing to no fireworks.

2nd date: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Emily greets the men at Shakespeare's birthplace.  Ryan wears a long scarf to match the ones Emily wore on all her dates with Brad.  Emily tells the men they will all be acting in a Shakespeare play.  BORING!  John, Alejandro, Ryan, and Kalon get to share the role of Romeo while Travis, Chris, Doug, and Arie get to play a nurse.  Kalon takes his role as serious as a heart attack.  He wants to wrap Ryan’s luxury brand scarf around his neck but unfortunately Kalon can’t find it.  Then he tells Emily to “run along” so he can rehearse more.

Tens of people gather to watch the play.  Some boys dressed as women, some wore tights, some had fake boobs, some continued to be mute, and Ryan continued to be an ass.

As a reward, Emily takes the men to “the pub” for a wrap party.  She pulls Arie aside first for a little make-out session.  She wants to spread her germs around to everyone.  Next Ryan pulls her aside to whisper more condescending remarks in her ear and give her a necklace (that isn’t pearl!) that Emily loves so much, she slips it in her pocket right away.  Note to all men: if you give a woman jewelry and she doesn’t wear it right away, she doesn’t like it no matter how much she claims to.

Kalon sulks some more about not getting more opportunities to put Emily down to her face.  This reminds Chris that Kalon has been negative for a few days and he decides to tattle to Arie on Kalon’s poor attitude.  Arie takes it personally and the two of them get their panties in a knot for Emily’s sake.  The rest of the guys discuss it and decide it’s time to vote Kalon off the island.  As the single dad, Doug decides he needs to take matters into his own hands and tells Emily that Kalon referred to Little Ricki as “baggage.”  Emily confronts Kalon about it in front of all the guys.  And by Emily confronting Kalon about it, I really mean Doug does.  Oh where is CH and the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit when you need them?  Emily goes back road, West Virginia, bat shit on Kalon and tells his to get the F out!  Good thing this didn’t happen to Duckie or his name would just be Je.  Then Emily calls an end to the cocktail party without giving out a rose to anyone as punishment to the guys for waiting more than ten minutes to tattle to her about Kalon’s inappropriate comment.

3rd Date: Duckie  (did he get a date card?)

Emily and Duckie head to afternoon tea and receive etiquette lessons from Miss Manners, Jean.  Jean proves to be a giant bitch but she finally drinks enough tea that she needs to use the loo and Duckie and Emily use this opportunity to escape to a local pub for some pints and fish and chips.  Duckie uses his time with Emily to reopen the Kalon wound and pour some salt in it by sharing more insults that Kalon spouted in the hotel to the guys.  For some reason, Emily isn't too bothered by it and the duo toasts Little Ricki by calling her a Khole purse.  Then they head to London Eye for dessert.  He earns the rose for being so “chill” and they finally kiss.

Cocktail Party

Emily is still so flustered from sending Kalon home that she forgets to put on the one sleeve of her dress and arrives at the cocktail party begging the men to reassure her more.  She wastes no time in pulling the guys aside one on one to bust some more balls and grill them on how they plan to guard and protect her heart.  The men all fumble over themselves trying to reassure her that they are there for the right reasons.  Ryan fumbles over his long girly scarf (really? again?).  Finally CH arrives from the local pub where he’s had a few pints.  He bangs his champagne glass of doom and whisks Emily away.  She finally hands out the buds.  Sean and Duckie already have roses.  CH demonstrates his mad counting skills and the other six roses go to:

Doug

Ryan

Chris

John

Travis

Arie

Which means that Alejandro is joining Kalon in the luxury brand limo back to the airport.

So what do you think?  Did Emily make the right call in sending the mushroom farmer packing?  Do you think she overreacted to the guys’ lack of tattling?  Is Duckie anyone else’s favorite?  Who do you think is getting the final rose?  Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I’ll be back next week.  If you need me before then I will be practicing my Shakespearean acting.  Never know when I might need that on a date!