Brad Episode 8 Recap

Tonight’s show opens with 10 minutes of previews of what we are about to see/what we’ve seen the last 7 weeks. Then Brad welcomes us to NY city, where he’s packing his duffle bag for a trip to all the girls’ hometowns while wearing the chauffeur's hat he stole form Julio. Why is he in NYC anyway? Doesn’t he live in Texas? And isn’t the show is filmed in LA? Seriously ABC how did we end up in NYC? Anyhow, we get to see Chantal’s rapid weight gain, Ashely’s nervousness, Shawntel’s bike riding skills, and Emily’s tragic past before Brad takes off to meet the ladies’ families.

First hometown date is with Chantal in Seattle, Washington. She meets Brad wearing her patented season 22 scarf. Brad joins her wearing a dorky leather vest. They hug, then walk around Seattle before thanking each other for nothing and doubting themselves for everything. They head to Chantal’s house to meet her 53 cats and dog that she has dressed up. They drink a couple of beers, then head over to Chantal’s parents’ house. And by parents’ house, I mean, mansion that is really just a Hollywood studio’s set. There, he meets her mom who looks like she is about 30 years old, her dad who looks like Donny Osmond, and little brother who looks like Justin Beiber with shorter hair. Chantal and Daddy sit outside to talk about Brad. She drops the L word and Donny starts to sweat like CH in a cheap suit. Man, could he have looked any more nervous? Brad then takes his turn with the dad outside to discuss a statue the family paid poor immigrants to carve with little hammers and toothpicks. Then they retire inside to bash their fathers. Meanwhile, Chantal and her mom sit on studio set C to talk about trusting their hearts. Brother Justin is suspiciously absent but the lyrics to “Baby” are heard floating thru the house.

Next hometown date is with Ashley in Maine, even though she’s supposed to be from Philly, Pennsylvania. They go to lunch at the bar she worked at in high school to eat some “puts-in” which is just fries and gravy. Ashley feeds him steaming hot french fries and criticizes his crowns while burning his mouth. Then they pick up food for dinner before making out in front of a tourist sign while making Julio take pictures of them. Julio then drives them to Ashley’s parents’ house where Brad gets to meet Mom, Dad, some girl with a bunch of tattoos and a random guy. Ashley becomes “drunk” with love and she starts humping Brad like a dog in heat. They all sit down to eat the food Brad bought before dad pulls Brad aside to ask him if he wants to have kids.

Dad: “So do you want kids?”

Brad: “Absolutely. Does she?”

Dad: “Not sure. You might want to ask her that.”

Brad: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. That’s something I don’t know about her. Hmmm...”

Meanwhile, Ashley sits uncomfortably close to the three other family members on the tiny couch and admits that she really doesn’t know Brad. She likes him but isn’t in love with him yet. They talk about her finishing school and being almost done with it. Isn’t she a dentist? Don’t you need to graduate in order to be a dentist?

Brad visits Shawntel’s hometown next, Chico, California. Their date starts in a cemetery. Shawntel too is wearing the patented season 22 scarf. She decides the way to Brad’s heart is to educate him on death. Or just scaring him to death. She gives him the tour of the funeral home and teaches him how to use the crematory.

Then she takes Brad to meet her mom, dad, and two younger sisters. He’s surprised that since this family deals with death every day that they are so full of life! He’s also surprised that her family doesn’t want her to move to Austin. I mean, that would just be crazy. Right? To move across the country to marry a guy you have known for 4 weeks! However, dad lays on the guilt and explains to Shawntel how her moving away from town would affect the whole community! Why, her 2 week vacation has already had catastrophic national consequences! I’m sure her not preforming the cremation of the boy she went to high school with is what caused all the problems in Egypt right now!

Meanwhile, while dad tells Shawntel how her having a life of her own is ruining his life, Brad, the guy who owns and operates bars for a living, decided to make a cocktail for mom in the kitchen. By his own words, he gives her a glass of fruit juice before the two sit down to chat. They tell each other nothing. I think mom is a mute. Seriously- did she say a single word? I’m guessing the dad doesn’t let her talk.

Last hometown date is with Emily in Charlotte, North Carolina. Brad meets Emily and Ricky in a park where Emily is carrying her 5 year old daughter around on her hip. Brad shows how awkward he is around children by continually just repeating “hi” to Ricky after forcing her to take a gift. Then Brad continued to creep me out by referring to Ricky as “Little Ricky” every time he talked about her. They eat a picnic, fly a kite, and somehow everyone feels great about each other again before they return to Emily’s house for a game of Candyland. Brad and Emily tuck Ricky into bed, turn off the lights, and leave her alone in her bedroom with a cameraman so they can head back downstairs for some wine and kissing. Wait! No wine? No kissing? Brad somehow feels like not kissing Emily is respectful because she has a daughter. He tries to leave but Emily has been jonesing for a kiss all day and won’t let him leave without planting a wet one on him at the front door. She tells the camera that the day was perfect and she’s never been this happy.

Brad goes back to NYC for a sit-down with CH. Brad has apparently fired Dr. Jamie and ABC has put the king back in his place. Brad and CH rehash the show and all the hometown dates. They also discuss why CH is wearing a sweater vest a la Chandler Bing under his suit coat. Romantic piano music plays in the background. CH goes to let the women in to the rose ceremony while Brad stares at their Glamour Shots pictures. He finds the answers he’s looking for by looking out the hotel window.

Roses go to Emily, Chantal, and Ashley. Shawntel and her hair Bump-It is released back to the custody of her father.

So that is where we end week 8. With the “I mean that; I truly do- no doubt about it” count at 86 for the week, we head into the fantasy suite dates in South Africa. Hopefully the next dates are a little more exciting than this week. I will be back then!

So Sorry!

I apologize for the delay... my recap will not be up today; hopefully by tomorrow. I have been without power for the last 24 hours and have not even watched the show yet. Please check back tomorrow! Thank you for your patience. I mean that. I truly do. Thank you very much. It means a lot to me. Truly, it does.

Brad Episode 7 Recap

First of all, before I get to the recap, I’d like to give a shout out to the commenters from last week. It’s so nice to know that people not only read this blog, but also enjoy it. I’m glad I can make you chuckle. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. I mean that. Truly I do. Now on to the show!

The show opens with 10 minutes of previews, followed by an Anguillian bongo player who may or may not have been Banky Banx. The girls arrive via jet boat after the ABC intern again makes a great use of the graphics department as he shows an airplane flying from Costa Rica to Anguilla on a map. His high school geography teacher must be so proud!

CH finally makes an appearance at the girls’ “villa” and a shocking announcement! He tells the girls that instead of only 3 dates this week, there will be 4! Three 1 on 1 dates without roses and one group date with a rose. He drops the first date card on the futon and makes like an atom and splits.

1st date: “3 things I would bring to a deserted island: champagne, picnic lunch, and Emily.” 3 things I’d bring to a deserted island would be sunscreen, beer, and my cell phone to call someone to come get me but Emily would be 4th on my list even so I can forgive Brad’s earlier stupidity.

Brad picks Emily up and takes her to what looks like the reject bench. He gives her some champagne before “surprising” her with a helicopter ride to a phallic shaped island.

The pair shares an awkward lunch of “magical” fruits. I know they are magical because one second Brad and Emily’s hair is dry, the next second it’s wet, and a minute later it’s dry again. Brad cries to the camera how in love with her he is, the two make out, and Emily looks hot.

Emily rocks the side bang braid once again at dinner. Although she could rock a paper bag too probably. Brad asks her if he’ll get to meet her daughter if he gives her a rose. Emily sighs deeply because she’s a good mom as well as a hot piece. She doesn’t introduce little Ricky to guys she’s dating but knows Brad will not purpose without meeting her. Brad “breaks the Bachelor rules” once again and tells Emily she’s going to get a rose. No doubt about it. He really means it. Truly. He keeps glancing nervously over his shoulder, expecting CH to show up with a rule book and a butter knife. No CH, but the ABC intern does show up to remind them to make out a bit in the water so they do.

2nd date: Shawntel- “Let’s Find Love on the Streets of Anguilla.” Shawntel too decides to rock the side bang braid for her date (although she can’t pull it off as well as Emily- duh!) and goes to meet Brad in the streets of Anguilla. No one told Shawntel not to wear a skirt because they’d be riding Greg Brady bikes around town but she’s a good sport and doesn’t say anything even when the cameraman gets a Brittney shot while she’s pedaling. They huff and puff around town before arriving at a flea market. Shawntel hears music playing and attempts to dance. Brad plays it smart and pretends not to notice. They become friends with the natives and play double dutch and dominos with a group of grown men.

Shawntel tells Brad she’s falling in love with him. He tells her that means a lot to him. Really it does. Thank you. Very much. But he is confused because he had such a great date with Emily. He decides he needs to measure his feelings. Who does that? And do you think he’s using a ruler?

They finish their dinner, it starts to rain, and they both act as if they’ve never seen rain before (let alone the monsoon from last week). They kiss in the “magical” rain before the most famous singers in the restaurant, if not the whole hotel, play a concert for them and the “extras” ABC paid to dance along. Then they slip away to make out in the water, per Brad’s rule book.

3rd date: “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” for Britt. At over 30 minutes into the episode, we finally get our first look at Crazy Michelle. She’s hoping Brad and Britt’s boat sinks. Because if she can’t have him, no one can!

Brad picks Britt up in a yacht. The rest of the date is so boring, I think I fell asleep for a bit.

Rapunzel lets her hair down for dinner. She’s a food writer but she’s so skinny I wonder if she ever actually eats. The two make small talk during dinner before Brad puts me out of my misery and tells Britt that even though she’s nice, she’s boring as hell and she’s going home. He is breaking all the rules tonight! He whistles for the dinghy and makes her paddle back to shore by herself. Best walk of shame ever!

4th date is for Ashley, Chantal, and Michelle- “Dawn of a new love.” Which means at 2:07 a.m., Brad “breaks in” to the ladies’ villa and wakes them up to start their group date. Nothing like letting girls only get two hours of sleep before filling them with alcohol and sending them on a group date to watch them all make out together.

They all get made up except Chantal. Ashley and Michelle look great with beautiful hair and makeup. Chantal looks like she just climbed out of the ocean after swimming for days. Somehow the photographer convinces Ashley to take off her top. They give her tiny sea shells to hide her breasts behind. They are actually hidden- bless her. Chantal is up next and she’s not into it. She’s feeling “fat” but it doesn’t stop her from whipping her top off the second the photographer suggests it. Michelle realizes she’s got the hottest body of the three but needs to do something bigger than take off her top so she ropes Brad into being in the picture with her. She straddles him and kisses him and Ashley and Chantal begin to melt down.

They wrap the photo shoot and head over to the pool for a pool party and some wacky green drinks. Each girl gets a little alone time with Brad before Brad finally gives the date rose to Ashley.

After the group date from hell, Brad really needs a therapy session with Dr. Jamie. Unfortunately, ABC couldn’t afford to fly fake therapists to Anguilla either so instead Brad finds the answers he’s looking for by staring at the pictures of the remaining girls. CH scares the shit out of him by sneaking up behind him and patting his back.

CH: “You wanted to see me? This better be important Womack. I’d like to get back to my room and continue practicing counting to 3 before the rose ceremony.”

Brad: “No, this is important. It’s really important. I mean that Chris. I really do. But can I be honest with you?”

CH: “Speed it up Brad. The ice cubes in my scotch are melting and I don’t like watered down drinks.”

Brad: “Ok, here it is. I don’t need a cocktail party tonight. I know who I want to send home. Truly. I really do. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you very much.”

Ashley already has a rose. The other three roses go to Emily, Shawntel, and Chantal. Joining Britt in the swim back to the states is Crazy Michelle. Right after she takes a little nap in the back seat of the reject limo that is.

So that’s where we are after 14 hours into this mess. Does Brad’s constant repeating of the last sentence he says bug anyone else? Does it bug anyone else? Does it bug you how Michelle constantly licks her lips? Do you think that girl needs some Chapstick? With Brad’s “Can-I-Be-Honest-With-You?” count for the week at an astonishing number 47, we head into the hometown dates. Who will get cut next?

Honestly...

I have something to tell you. I really, really do. My recap today is going to be nice. Really nice. But can I be honest with you? Can I? It won't be up till later today. Right now I'm just going to lay down in the backseat of my car and take a little nap. Thank you for your patience. I mean that. I truly do.

Brad Episode 6 Recap

The show opens with Brad traveling to Costa Rica, talking about how he’s a different man since the last time he was the Bachelor. He’s also glad he’s gotten a second chance at finding love. I pause to wonder how ABC has control over if Brad finds love again. Did he have to sign some contract that says if he doesn’t pick someone, ABC has control of his heart?

The ABC intern again uses the graphics to show a map with a plane flying from Vegas to Costa Rica. The girls arrive in Costa Rica in their yoga pants and solid color tank tops, sans scarves. Michelle tells us she’s more sure than ever that she can "make" Brad fall in love with her. Ahhh- the romance! Brad greets the girls at the hotel and walks them to their “amazing” villa. Then he drops the first date card on the table and makes like proms dress and takes off.

“Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight” for Chantal.

Michelle is up set that Chantal gets the one on one date. She’s also confused why it wasn’t her. I am starting to question if she has ever watched this show before.

Michelle: “If she’s the girl for him, then clearly I am not.”

Me: “No shit!”

Michelle: “I can only hope Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes! Or Chantal gets attacked by golden retrievers. Or dogs!”

Meanwhile, Chantal is preparing for her date by powdering her face and neck and packing her bags. She also changes into a fresh tank top and yoga pants. Brad picks her up, pops her in a helicopter, and takes her to the longest zip line course in the world.

Before taking off, Chantal makes a completely inappropriate comment about seeing Brad at the end of the course and being “nice and wet.” They zip alone, they zip together, they make out in the rain, then go shower for a romantic dinner.

Their coconut picnic dinner gets rained out after about two mintues. The pair seem confused why it keeps raining on them. The intern tells them they are in a freakin’ rain forest and the pair runs to Brad’s hotel room to dry off. Brad gives Chantal a white button down shirt of his to wear but nothing else. He gets so turned on by her that he has to excuse himself for a few minutes. He finally gives her the rose. I’m sure she was also hoping for a pair of pants. That poor cameraman had to do some quick moves to avoid a Brittney shot.

Second date is a group date for Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel, and Britt- “Love Springs Eternal.” They are going rappelling down a waterfall. Jackie (like me) is deathly afraid of heights. But she sucks it up and does it. Michelle, however, is pissed! She thinks Jackie is being a drama queen. She also is mad that they are rappelling again on their group date- that was supposed to be her and Brad’s special thing! But she’s most upset by how nice Brad is being to all the other girls. Apparently she’s hoping to be with a guy who likes to slap girls around?

Michelle’s bi-polar disorder shows through as soon as Brad tells her they are going to rappel down together. She’s no longer mad at all! She’s so happy again and confident she’s getting the rose.

The group date then moves to a hot springs. Apparently there were no hot tubs available that weekend. They drink some shots before Brad pulls Jackie aside to tell her how proud he is of her. I think he accidentally read a parenting magazine before the date. Even though that seems like the worse compliment you could get from a boy you like, Jackie doesn’t seem to mind what he says to her as long as they are alone together.

Michelle also gets some alone time with our Bachelor. She again starts to show him her crazy side. And I’m not talking about her fun crazy side or her wild and crazy side. I’m talking her certifiable side. She basically yells at him for taking Chantal on the one on one date but is even more upset because Chantal also got a rose on that date. He shuts her up by kissing her.

Brad finally ends the date by giving the rose to.... NO ONE! He’s gonna teach those whiney bitches to stop playing games!

The third date is for Alli- “Meet me at the alter.” In a strange twist of irony, Brad picks Alli up for their date on a horse. Why were those tiny horse following them though? They ride the horses to a muddy stream to wade in ankle deep water through a huge rock with a crack in the middle. Alli, who has already shown us how afraid she is of bugs, continues to demonstrate child-like behavior and tells Brad how afraid she is of just about everything on their date.

They finally make their way through the cave, go shower, and meet on a two square foot “island” floating in the middle of a swimming pool for dinner. How did they even get out there?

Brad: “So tell me about your last relationship. How long did it last? Why did it end? Did he die of boredom from spending time with you?”

Alli: “It was 2 years. He was a great guy but just not great for me. Has that ever happened to you? You know what I’m talking about?”

Brad: (letting out huge sigh of relief and a nervous laughter) “Oh boy do I ever! Thanks for getting this conversation started for me. I like you as a person Alli, but not as a girl for me. So I can’t give you this rose.”

Brad walks Alli to the reject limo, goes back to his hotel room to sulk and there is a knock at the door. I fully expect it to be Dr. Jamie, but apparently it wasn’t in ABC’s budget to fly fake therapists to Costa Rica for Brad. Instead, the producers realize there is 45 minutes left to fill in the show and tell Crazy Michelle which hotel room is Brad’s. They gave her the push she didn’t even need.

They sit on his couch and she hits Brad before telling him she misses him when they aren’t together and then starts kissing him. Then she starts in on Chantal again. Even though Brad has told her a number of times that he doesn’t want to talk about the other girls, Michelle starts listing each of their flaws and why he should send them home. She also tells him she was pissed that he didn’t give out a rose on the group date while groping him.

The rose ceremony cocktail party arrives and so does a somber Brad. He admits to the ladies that he’s had a rough week and has caught some flack for not giving out a rose on the group date.

Einstein Chantal cracks the code that it had to be Michelle who gave him shit about the rose but they all wonder when she had time to talk to him about that. Shawntel asks Brad outright who it was but he doesn’t spill the beans. So they play the quiet game and make out.

After being questioned by every girl left, Michelle finally admits to the girls that she went to Brad’s room and gave him grief for not giving out a rose on the group date. But she assures them that she didn’t bad mouth any of them. This is after she has told Brad in their alone time that she only told him who to send home because he made her. I’m starting to think she doesn’t realize this is all taped.

CH finally arrives with his champagne glass of doom. I was afraid ABC didn’t fly him to Costa Rica either and I was worried who would count to 5 for Brad.

Chantal is the only one who has a rose. The rest go to Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel, and Michelle. Which means that joining Alli in the reject limo is Jackie.

So that is where we ended the week. What did you think? Anyone else sick of hearing Brad “woo-hooing” everything they do? With the side forehead braid count at 42 this week, we are heading to Anguilla. See you there!

Thank you for your patience.

I apologize for the delay. My recap will be up later this afternoon as soon as I can figure out how to french braid my bangs across my forehead. Until then, discuss in the comments section.

Brad Episode 5 Recap

CH opens the show by asking the girls if they saw Brad on The Soup last Friday, where he actually showed he had a personality. He introduced the dates for the week, told the girls they were all leaving the mansion to go to Las Vegas, and to pack their shit.

The ABC intern shows he knows his geography and does a nice graphics demo for those who don’t with a map showing a plane flying from L.A. to Vegas. Then the producers give the cameramen a break and make the girls film their own trip.

Brad greets the girls at the Aria hotel and reads the que cards with the cheesy Vegas cliches on them about “gambling on love” and being in “Sin City.” He drops the date card on the table and makes like a baby and heads out.

As an aside... what’s up ABC? First you push CH out of doing the sit down with the bachelor and hire some hack psychologist/former 80s pop band singer instead? Now you’re making Brad deliver the date cards? We miss CH! Of course he was probably already three sheets to the wind and off with a hooker and a bottle of Jack. Afterall, this is Vegas baby! And everyone knows, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

First date goes to Shawntel- “Let’s End Tonight with a Bang.” I’m thinking either fireworks if she gets the rose or a gun to the head if he doesn’t want to give her the rose.

Brad picks up Shawntel (literally) for their date and carries her around like a baby at a mall for a shopping spree! Shawntel thanks Brad and pretends she believes it’s really his treat. They try on every ridiculous outfit before deciding on a nice Members Only jacket and what looked like a gray sheet wrapped around her to look like a dress.

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls sit around the hotel in tank tops and scarves, talking about Shawntel. She walks in with her 93 bags from shopping and Crazy Michelle’s ears start to steam. The girl we’ve never seen before gets mad too. Shawntel puts on her slut dress, Brad picks her up to continue their date, and takes her to.... wait for it... the roof! So original ABC!

Shawntel educates Brad and the viewing audience on embalming dead bodies. Brad laughs with her and seems normal. He gives her the date rose before the ABC intern signals to the producers to start the fireworks and put the gun away for later. I just hope they lock it up so Crazy Michelle doesn’t get her hands on it!

The second date is for Jackie, Emily, Michelle, Marissa, Lisa, Chantal, Alli, and Britt- “Let’s Go Speed Dating.” This means the dreaded two on one date goes to the 2 Ashleys.

The girls all pile into the limos that take them to the place where Mike Fliess sold his soul. Brad announces that it’s every guy’s dream to race NASCAR. I highly doubt this. And speaking of doubts, Britt and her clip on braid become nervous of driving a race car. But Emily is upset because her dead fiancee crashed his race car on this very track.

After driving race cars, Brad dons his rainbow on the butt shorts and takes the girls to a pool party. He pulls Emily aside once again. The rest of the girls don’t like that.

Michelle pulls Brad aside to talk.

Michelle: “Let's talk about these other girls.”

Brad: “I don’t want to talk about them.”

Michelle: “Yeah, me neither. Let’s kiss!”

They make out and then Brad gives the date rose to Emily. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! In your face, Crazy Michelle!

Third date is for Ashley H. and Ashley S.- “Come Swing With the King.” Brad takes them to an Elvis show. They all get to learn a part in the show with the possibility of preforming.

Meanwhile, Chantal and Shawntel discuss the endless possibilities of Brad and Ashleys’ date.

Chantal: “It could be Brad and Ashley S. It could be Brad and Ashely H. Or it could be Brad and no one! The possibilities are endless!” Or just three.

Then Chantal and Shawntel discuss whose name is dumber.

Back on the date, Brad goes to dinner with both girls before thanking them both profusely and giving the date rose to Ashley H.

Ashley S. cries. I can’t understand a word she is saying because she is crying so hard. I tell her I am not going to listen to her until she stops whining like I do with my 5 year old daughter. I also tell her to give the silly band she is wearing back to my 5 year old daughter. Then I fast forward.

After the date with both Ashleys, Brad realizes that the women are emotionally invested. He needs to talk to his therapist so he calls his Wild Wild West Jamie who basically tells Brad to stop worrying about the feelings of the women and to think only of himself. I miss CH’s wisdom. Where is he anyway?!!?

The Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party finally arrives and so does Brad with his canned speech about finding a wife and thanking everyone for everything. And he means it- thank you very much!

Brad pulls Alli aside to make her feel special with champagne and chocolate cake. She gets to take one sip before someone steals him away from her once again.

Then some girl I’ve never seen before gives Brad a note. I think it reads something like this: “Do you like me? Yes? No? Maybe? Check a box and return.” Brad checks “no” before Crazy Michelle pulls him aside, locks him in a bedroom, climbs on his lap, pulls out a knife, holds it to his neck, tells him not to talk, and makes him promise to give her a rose. After the ABC intern wipes Brad’s ass for him, he promises Crazy Michelle to obey her every command.

CH finally arrives, banging his scotch glass with Michelle’s knife.

Shawntel, Ashley H., and Emily already have roses. The rest of them go to Crazy Michelle, Alli, Britt and her awful hair extensions left over from Ali’s season, Jackie, and Chantal. Which means that joining Ashley S. in the limo to the airport are Marissa (he must not have liked her note with the month’s worth of “texts”) and Lisa.

So what did you think of this episode? Pretty predictable who was getting the boot. Any guesses on who will win it all? Any guesses as to where CH has been and why he isn’t on as much anymore? Until next week...

Excuses, Excuses

Dear faithful and loyal blog reader,

I apologize for not having the recap up yet. I promise it will be up before you are tomorrow morning. Due to the fact that I live in northwest Ohio and it's winter and they predicted some snow, I am busy stocking my pantry with every loaf of bread I could buy at the store as well as canned goods to last until the apocalypse. As soon as I am done wrestling the old lady in front of me at Meijer for the last gallon of milk, I will post my recap. Until then, what did you think of the show last night? Anyone else see Brad on The Soup last Friday? Anyone else think he should date Joel McHale instead of any of these bimbos? It appeared to me that Brad actually had a personality when talking to Joel. Anyway, discuss in the in comment section and I will be back with your recap soon!