Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 4
Last night’s episode was brought to you in part by the phrases, "step it up" and "come out of her shell." Chris Harrison comes to the bachelorette pad to tell the girls to change out of their Eva Longoria velour sweatsuits bc they are leaving the mansion forever. "Girls, we are going to change everything! I’m going to make this sound really exciting and glamorous but really you are taking a road trip in an RV the rest of the season. Because our man Jake is such a huge dork, viewership is down this season and ABC can no longer afford the rent on this house." Tenely and Kathryn’s mouths drop so far open and their eyes almost pop out of their heads they are so excited! You’d think CH told them they were taking a road trip to the moon or something.
The girls are divided into two different RVs. The first RV contains the Tri-Delts of Teneley, Ali, Ella, Kathryn, and Jessie. The second RV holds the Phi Mus of Gia, Corrie, Ashleigh, and Vienna. The girls are given camcorders because apparently the budget cut affected the cameramen too. The RVs take off and Jake follows behind on his motorcycle with his giant SpaceBalls helmet.
Jake: "I’ve set up camps in a vinyard so I’m gonna wear my plaid camping shirt. I’ve brought about 10 of them for this trip. Which one should I wear tonight?" He pulls out about 100 plaid flannel shirts that all look the same. He picks one and leaves to meet the ladies for his first date.
His first date is a one on one date with Gia. Gia is so excited to finally get an alone date with Jake! Gia reads from the date card: "Let’s go over the moon and under the stars!" It’s then that it hits me who she sounds like- Rosie Perez! Maybe I was reminded because I watched the movie Untamed Heart on Sunday night. But there is no denying it- she could be the girlfriend of Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump for sure!
Gia wears spike high heeled shoes on her camping date- first thing she does that reminds me of Evan. Jake takes her to a vineyard and they play hide and seek (second thing she does that reminds me of Evan). Gia doesn’t even really "hide" but just stands on the other side of a tree (3rd thing she does that reminds me of Evan) Once Jake finds her, Gia jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around him for him to carry her around. I’m starting to think the producers got the idea for all this from spying on me playing with Evan.
The two sit down to drink some wine and talk.
Jake: "In high school, they called me Mr. Dateless."
Gia: "Why?"
Jake: "Because I was so popular with the girls. I had dates every day! Sometimes 5 different dates on one day. They called me Mr. Dateless bc they named me that on opposite day."
These two then decide to move on from games that 2 year olds play and play a game that 13 year olds play instead- spin the bottle. ABC played porno music as these two actually spun the bottle and waited for it to land on each other before actually kissing.
The next game they play is hide the pickle. Jake has changed into a different lumberjack shirt and the two are under a blanket making out.
Gia later tells the camera: "I’m not afraid. I’m just scared. I also need a new thesaurus but not a synonym book."
Back at camp, Ashleigh finds the next date card and we find out that the group date will be Vienna, Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenely, Ali, and Corrie. Which means the two on one date goes to Ella and Kathryn.
The road trip continues but by the second day, no one cares anymore. Tenely still tries to get excited for the producers but it’s pretty pathetic.
Ok, so we also learn something else as the girls are getting ready for their group date. Apparently Ali does not like Vienna. They don’t get along or something. Anyone else pick up on this last night? It was very subtle.
Ali: "If Vienna gets the rose on today’s date I will throw up. In my mouth." Um yeah, thanks for clarifying bc I think this is girl who said that she was going to throw up in her stomach in an earlier episode. She has some weird throwing up ticks I guess.
The group date is pretty boring. They go dune buggy riding and sand surfing. Corrie and Jake roll down a hill together. Seriously, this guy acts like a 5th grader.
It’s now 8:42 and a commercial. I am getting bored. Then a commercial for Super Nanny comes on and watching a 15 second clip of this dysfunctional family rejuvenates me and makes me feel like the best mom and human ever! I’m now excited to watch the rest of the show!
The group date goes to an inn that is pretty scary. Each room has a different theme but there are a lot of big rocks, old furniture, and red leather heart shaped booths.
Jake pulls Ashleigh aside for some alone time in the porno room. We watch her maul him while he acts like her touch is burning him and he’s rather be anywhere else. These two have zero chemistry.
Next, Jake and Ali go to a caveman/rock room. Ali makes him cry. I forget what she even said. It was probably something along the lines of "If you give the rose to Vienna tonight I will come to your house while you sleep and cut off your balls." She is really starting to scare me.
Tenely and Jake visit a cheesey room and he puts his head in her lap so she can pet him like a dog.
Vienna begged for the last alone time with him and then whines to him the whole time about getting him to himself and about the other girls not liking her.
Jake gives the rose to Tenely bc she is "patient" which translates to he just now realized he can walk all over her. Afterall, isn’t that what he learned form their alone time? That her ex husband walked all over her? And she let him?
For the last date of the night, Jake goes back in time to the 1950’s. He tells the camera: "Tonight’s date is heavy!"
Jake, Ella, and Kathryn go to a poorly lit garage and eat dinner with their coats on while Jake interviews them for a job at Starbucks. I’m not even making this up when I tell you that he told Ella "Great answer!" Ella won’t let Kathryn get a word in.
Finally Jake pulls Kathryn outside for a chat on a log. Kat calls him out on his ignoring her- you go girl! Both girls get the "friend hug" at the end of their alone time with Jake.
It’s now 9:14 and my butt hurts from sitting so long.
Creepy music plays, the camera shows Jake watching the other girls thru the trees. He goes back inside the garage with no heat to tell Ella and Kathryn that no one is getting the rose tonight and that they are both going home!
When the girls at camp realize this, Tenely starts crying. She apparently does not understand the concept of this show. Jake sulks around the tiny garage, creepy intense music swells, Jake throws the rose into the fire. Dum-dum-dum!
Finally- cocktail party/rose ceremony! I never thought this episode would end. I’m starting to get bored so I only wrote a few things down….
Corrie wore her Bump-It and begged Jake to like her.
Ali wore a yellow dress. Again. Oh and did you know? She hates Vienna.
Gia wore a corset.
Jessie wore green eyeshadow and what appeared to be black nylons and a black shirt. No skirt or pants. She also ratted out Vienna during her alone time with Jake. I think Ali made her do it.
CH comes in banging his champagne glass of doom. Jake goes to the room of pictures that some poor intern had to pack up for this road trip. He comes back to hand out the roses.
Gia (Laurie) and Tenely (Meghan) already have roses. He gives another one to Ali (Diana) and Corrie (Nicole A.) before looking down and seeing his bracelet that says "WWCHD" and runs off to find CH and ask him.
Jake: "Chris, you are such a cool dude."
CH: "Thank you. I know."
Jake: "What would you do? There are 2 but 1. You are sure of 1 and you know you have 2 roses but 2 girls can go. I know how to do math. I know that 1 plus 1 is 2. But what if I want the math problem to be 1 plus zero?"
CH interrupts: "What are you asking Jake? Can’t you see I’m busy here. Spit it out boy! You’re not making any sense."
Jake: "Do I have to give out 2 more roses?"
CH: "Of course not. But are you sure? Absolutely sure? Because once you decide to give them away you can’t take it back. Unless you are Jason Mesnic. Then we will let you do whatever you want as long as we can record it and air it on live tv. Ok?"
CH dramatically takes away one of the roses. Jake gives the last rose to Vienna (Karen).
So Kathryn (Shannon), Ella (Diane), Jessie (Jenny), and Ashleigh (Lara) got sent home last night.
What are your thoughts? Who do you think is going home next week? Will Ali kill Vienna in her sleep? Or punch her lights out at the next rose ceremony?
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 3
Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the words "journey," "risk," "impressed," and "comfort zone."
CH woke up late to tell the girls about the dates this week so he threw his wrinkled sports coat on top of his PJs and headed down to the bachelorette pad to tell the ladies what it meant if they got a rose and what would happen if they didn’t.
As if on cue, the first date card arrives the minute CH leaves. It’s a one on one date for Sharpay and Troy! I mean Vienna and Jake. Vienna is really excited to show Jake that she’s "a lot of fun." As soon as these words leave her mouth, you can hear crickets chirping and see the confused looks from the rest of the girls.
So a helicopter arrives to take Vienna and Jake on their date. Wow! A helicopter? Really? That is so original! Even though Jake is a pilot (I think… I mean have they mentioned what he does for a living at all? I can’t remember… anyway…) he is terrified to get in this helicopter. He looks like he is about the vomit all over Vienna’s hair extensions. Finally, we see why he’s so scared. They are jumping off a bridge.
Vienna: "I’m not jumping off no bridge" she tells the camera. "I ain’t gots to! I’s gots good grammer too."
After crying like a little girl about it for 15 minutes, Jake finally gets the balls to actually jump. That or the producers finally had enough of him bawling and pushed him over. Either way, he and Vienna shared a special moment while falling…. He barfed in her mouth for the very first time.
After that, they sit down to dinner. Apparently it was a big bowl of peas. Anyone else notice that? And of course the after dinner swim. Jake dives into the pool so gracefully. Vienna belly flops and looks like a whale. They kiss some more. Jake admitts to the camera that he really likes Vienna. She’s "impressed" him by taking a "risk" and going out of her "comfort zone." Plus, she didn’t kick his ass when he cried like a baby for the first two hours of their date that HE planned.
Back at the house, the next date card arrives to announce the group date of Corrie, Elizabeth the cocktease, Ali, Tenely, Ashleigh, Michelle the crazy, Kathryn (who the hell is she?!?!), and Jessie. Jake’s taking the girls to a comedy club where they will be asked to take a "risk" and "impress" him by stepping out of their "comfort zone" and doing stand up comedy in front of an audience. You know, how everyone is expressing their love for people now. Who cares about chocolate and flowers and dinner and a movie? If you really want to show you care, do stand up comedy no matter how unfunny you are!
Elizabeth is pretty nervous about doing a comedy bit and says she doesn’t even know any good knock knock jokes. Here is one for you Elizabeth:
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Your right boob
Your right boob who?
Your right boob is so far away from your left they need to be introduced
OR:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tori Spelling
Tori Spelling who?
Tori Spelling called and she wants her bad boob job back
The rest of the jokes were so funny. And by funny, I mean painfully Unfunny. The only other thing I wrote down is that Corrie was wearing a yellow blanket all night.
Back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s addressed to Rozlyn but since she is no longer there, Jake crossed out her name and picked the other chic with a kid to take to Sea World- Ella. So that means that Gia and Valishia (who we haven’t seen since the last rose ceremony and before that since she stepped out of the limo) are not getting dates this week. Gia and Vienna get into it and Vienna goes to her room to write in her journal. As she stomped off to do this, it reminded me who she is- she’s this season’s Moana. Remember her? I think she was the runner up on Travis Stork’s season? Everyone hated her but the bachelor. She pouted and wrote poetry in the house. Anyway…I also noticed that Gia talks funny. She either has a lisp or she was wearing her retainer.
Meanwhile, the group date has moved onto the roof of a hotel- another "new" idea in this show. Jake’s calling it a wrap party. Like he has called every other group date. Ali toasts Corrie for wearing her yellow blanket like the rest of the girls dared her to do and for her bashing Vienna during her stand up routine. Michelle does not join in the toast and Ali gets in her grill about it. At this point Michelle starts babbling about giving her mother another grandbaby. Basically she tells Ali that she doesn’t want to toast Vienna and recognize Vienna as the crazy one in the house bc she wants that title all for herself. And she’s going to prove it.
Michelle stomps off to pout and cry. Jake joins her and asks her what’s wrong.
Michelle: "As you can see, I’ve been crying. You’ve seemed to like that every other time we’ve talked so I’m going to do it again for you."
Jake: "Don’t cry. What can I do for you?"
Michelle: "I want to go home. Send me home. No wait! What I really mean is beg me to stay. But I can’t stay you know. I love you Jake. No one else here does. I’m leaving!"
Jake: "Please leave."
Michelle: "What?!??! You’re asking me to leave? I didn’t see that coming! What a shock! Everyone here thought I was going to marry Jake! I can’t believe he did this to me."
Jake ends the wrap party early. He needs to go home and look up the definition of wrap party and write his feelings down in his journal before having his bedtime snack of chocolate milk and cookies. He needs to get this all done before his 8:00 bedtime too. And he needs to call Chris and ask Chris what to do.
The next day, Jake is refreshed from his slumber party with CH. He arrives at the house to take Ella on her "special" date. And by special, he means it was planned for another girl in the house who slept with a producer and had to leave early. And has been done on just about every other season of the show.
Ella has apparently never seen the show though so she’s wildly "impressed."
Ella: "I never in a million years thought a helicopter would pick us up!" (She honestly said this! She’s obviously NEVER watched this show. And wasn’t around when Jake picked up Vienna two days before).
Jake takes her to Sea World and "surprises" her with her son being there.
Ella: "I had no idea Jake could bring Ethan!"
Producer: "Well Roz’s ex husband wouldn’t sign the papers for her son to come on the show so you were the only other one with a kid."
Jake and Ella and Ethan have lunch on the grass. Jake gives Ethan a little airplane to play with so he will leave Ella and him alone. Ella is touched by this and admits that she thinks you can go to the moon on an airplane.
So watching Jake with Ella and her son was so awkward. He had no clue how to act around kids. Jake appeared to have more of a "connection" with the dolphin than with Ella or her son. But he does give Ella the rose after putting her son in the reject van with crazy Michelle.
Rose ceremony time! Cocktease starts feeling Jake up immediately. Jake calls her out on it! What’s this? He’s standing up for himself? Elizabeth back pedals and turns it around.
Elizabeth: "He’s going to send me home bc I wouldn’t kiss him. I know I gave him blueballs but come on! Isn’t that the game?"
Ali thinks she is the house therapist now. After Sharpay interrupts Elizabeth and Jake, Ali pulls her aside to explain how Gabriella wouldn’t act like that and Gabriella gets Troy in the end.
CH comes in banging his spoon on his milk cup and Jake goes to the room of pictures. After turning Michelle’s picture face down, Jake plays eeny meany miny moe to determine who else will go home.
Roses go to:
Ella (Diane)
Vienna (Karen)
Gia (Laurie)
Corrie (Nicole A.)
Tenely (Meghan)
Ali (Diana)
Jessie (Jenny)
Kathryn (Shannon)
Ashleigh (Lara)
Free van rides to the airport go to:
Crazy ass Michelle (Meridith)
Cocktease Elizabeth (Nichole G.)
Valishia (Georgie)
So what are your thoughts?
CH woke up late to tell the girls about the dates this week so he threw his wrinkled sports coat on top of his PJs and headed down to the bachelorette pad to tell the ladies what it meant if they got a rose and what would happen if they didn’t.
As if on cue, the first date card arrives the minute CH leaves. It’s a one on one date for Sharpay and Troy! I mean Vienna and Jake. Vienna is really excited to show Jake that she’s "a lot of fun." As soon as these words leave her mouth, you can hear crickets chirping and see the confused looks from the rest of the girls.
So a helicopter arrives to take Vienna and Jake on their date. Wow! A helicopter? Really? That is so original! Even though Jake is a pilot (I think… I mean have they mentioned what he does for a living at all? I can’t remember… anyway…) he is terrified to get in this helicopter. He looks like he is about the vomit all over Vienna’s hair extensions. Finally, we see why he’s so scared. They are jumping off a bridge.
Vienna: "I’m not jumping off no bridge" she tells the camera. "I ain’t gots to! I’s gots good grammer too."
After crying like a little girl about it for 15 minutes, Jake finally gets the balls to actually jump. That or the producers finally had enough of him bawling and pushed him over. Either way, he and Vienna shared a special moment while falling…. He barfed in her mouth for the very first time.
After that, they sit down to dinner. Apparently it was a big bowl of peas. Anyone else notice that? And of course the after dinner swim. Jake dives into the pool so gracefully. Vienna belly flops and looks like a whale. They kiss some more. Jake admitts to the camera that he really likes Vienna. She’s "impressed" him by taking a "risk" and going out of her "comfort zone." Plus, she didn’t kick his ass when he cried like a baby for the first two hours of their date that HE planned.
Back at the house, the next date card arrives to announce the group date of Corrie, Elizabeth the cocktease, Ali, Tenely, Ashleigh, Michelle the crazy, Kathryn (who the hell is she?!?!), and Jessie. Jake’s taking the girls to a comedy club where they will be asked to take a "risk" and "impress" him by stepping out of their "comfort zone" and doing stand up comedy in front of an audience. You know, how everyone is expressing their love for people now. Who cares about chocolate and flowers and dinner and a movie? If you really want to show you care, do stand up comedy no matter how unfunny you are!
Elizabeth is pretty nervous about doing a comedy bit and says she doesn’t even know any good knock knock jokes. Here is one for you Elizabeth:
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Your right boob
Your right boob who?
Your right boob is so far away from your left they need to be introduced
OR:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tori Spelling
Tori Spelling who?
Tori Spelling called and she wants her bad boob job back
The rest of the jokes were so funny. And by funny, I mean painfully Unfunny. The only other thing I wrote down is that Corrie was wearing a yellow blanket all night.
Back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s addressed to Rozlyn but since she is no longer there, Jake crossed out her name and picked the other chic with a kid to take to Sea World- Ella. So that means that Gia and Valishia (who we haven’t seen since the last rose ceremony and before that since she stepped out of the limo) are not getting dates this week. Gia and Vienna get into it and Vienna goes to her room to write in her journal. As she stomped off to do this, it reminded me who she is- she’s this season’s Moana. Remember her? I think she was the runner up on Travis Stork’s season? Everyone hated her but the bachelor. She pouted and wrote poetry in the house. Anyway…I also noticed that Gia talks funny. She either has a lisp or she was wearing her retainer.
Meanwhile, the group date has moved onto the roof of a hotel- another "new" idea in this show. Jake’s calling it a wrap party. Like he has called every other group date. Ali toasts Corrie for wearing her yellow blanket like the rest of the girls dared her to do and for her bashing Vienna during her stand up routine. Michelle does not join in the toast and Ali gets in her grill about it. At this point Michelle starts babbling about giving her mother another grandbaby. Basically she tells Ali that she doesn’t want to toast Vienna and recognize Vienna as the crazy one in the house bc she wants that title all for herself. And she’s going to prove it.
Michelle stomps off to pout and cry. Jake joins her and asks her what’s wrong.
Michelle: "As you can see, I’ve been crying. You’ve seemed to like that every other time we’ve talked so I’m going to do it again for you."
Jake: "Don’t cry. What can I do for you?"
Michelle: "I want to go home. Send me home. No wait! What I really mean is beg me to stay. But I can’t stay you know. I love you Jake. No one else here does. I’m leaving!"
Jake: "Please leave."
Michelle: "What?!??! You’re asking me to leave? I didn’t see that coming! What a shock! Everyone here thought I was going to marry Jake! I can’t believe he did this to me."
Jake ends the wrap party early. He needs to go home and look up the definition of wrap party and write his feelings down in his journal before having his bedtime snack of chocolate milk and cookies. He needs to get this all done before his 8:00 bedtime too. And he needs to call Chris and ask Chris what to do.
The next day, Jake is refreshed from his slumber party with CH. He arrives at the house to take Ella on her "special" date. And by special, he means it was planned for another girl in the house who slept with a producer and had to leave early. And has been done on just about every other season of the show.
Ella has apparently never seen the show though so she’s wildly "impressed."
Ella: "I never in a million years thought a helicopter would pick us up!" (She honestly said this! She’s obviously NEVER watched this show. And wasn’t around when Jake picked up Vienna two days before).
Jake takes her to Sea World and "surprises" her with her son being there.
Ella: "I had no idea Jake could bring Ethan!"
Producer: "Well Roz’s ex husband wouldn’t sign the papers for her son to come on the show so you were the only other one with a kid."
Jake and Ella and Ethan have lunch on the grass. Jake gives Ethan a little airplane to play with so he will leave Ella and him alone. Ella is touched by this and admits that she thinks you can go to the moon on an airplane.
So watching Jake with Ella and her son was so awkward. He had no clue how to act around kids. Jake appeared to have more of a "connection" with the dolphin than with Ella or her son. But he does give Ella the rose after putting her son in the reject van with crazy Michelle.
Rose ceremony time! Cocktease starts feeling Jake up immediately. Jake calls her out on it! What’s this? He’s standing up for himself? Elizabeth back pedals and turns it around.
Elizabeth: "He’s going to send me home bc I wouldn’t kiss him. I know I gave him blueballs but come on! Isn’t that the game?"
Ali thinks she is the house therapist now. After Sharpay interrupts Elizabeth and Jake, Ali pulls her aside to explain how Gabriella wouldn’t act like that and Gabriella gets Troy in the end.
CH comes in banging his spoon on his milk cup and Jake goes to the room of pictures. After turning Michelle’s picture face down, Jake plays eeny meany miny moe to determine who else will go home.
Roses go to:
Ella (Diane)
Vienna (Karen)
Gia (Laurie)
Corrie (Nicole A.)
Tenely (Meghan)
Ali (Diana)
Jessie (Jenny)
Kathryn (Shannon)
Ashleigh (Lara)
Free van rides to the airport go to:
Crazy ass Michelle (Meridith)
Cocktease Elizabeth (Nichole G.)
Valishia (Georgie)
So what are your thoughts?
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 2
Episode 2 opens with a voice over from CH. "Welcome back to The Bachelor. This week’s show is brought to you in part by the words "journey," "special," and "amazing."
The girls are all in the bachelorette pad, drinking their screwdrivers when CH comes in to welcome them.
CH: "Let me tell you how this all works. Because I’m assuming none of you have watched the last 18 season’s of this show and have no clue what it means to get a rose on a date."
The first date goes to Gia, Rozlyn, Valicia (sorry- last week I thought it Alicia. Who names their kid Valicia?), Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh H. Apparently they are going to Gia’s and Roz’s work for the day.
Jake arrives to take the girls to the In Style photo shoot wearing a silky shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. Christina wears her hair like Princess Leah and her eyebrows like Peter Gallagher. Rozlyn wears no underwear.
After the photo shoot, they head up to the roof of a hotel for a wrap party. Ashleigh straddles Jake in the pool. Christina got drunk. Pretty much a typical group date on this show. Rozlyn grabbed Jake’s face and shoved her tongue down his throat on their alone time. Jake excuses himself, grabs the date rose, shoves it down the back of his towel and holds it there with his butt cheeks till he can give it to Roz.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the next date card has arrived. As soon as the doorbell rings, Michelle’s crazy eyes come back. She tells the camera that she will kill whoever’s name is on that card if it’s not for her. Of course, it’s Ali who gets the one on one Pretty Woman date of this season.
Ali frets about what to wear bc she only brought one dress and she can’t even re-wear it bc she stepped on it at the first cocktail party and ripped it. So the other girls cut the bottom of that dress off and she basically wears the same yellow dress again only this time it’s shorter. You know- perfect outfit for straddling a motorcycle. Jake picks her up wearing the biggest Spaceballs helmet ever. He tells her "We can’t stop! It’s too dangerous!" He takes her to a little airport where Ali admits she’s so nervous she says, "I threw up in my stomach." Whatever that means.
Jake buckles her in her seat and pretends to "check out" the plane. Really he is looking for the directions on how to fly this thing. Or his dorky sunglasses. And definitely his man card. Damn that Wes for stealing it last season!
The pair takes off and the viewing audience at home gets to hear a lovely song with the words of "On the Wings of Love."
The 3rd date card arrives at the house. Elizabeth, Jesse, Kathryn, Ashley, and Vienna will be going on this date. Tenely, Michelle, and Ella are not getting a date this week. As soon as Michelle realizes this, she storms out of the family room to go boil some water. After seeing there isn’t a pot big enough for the bunny, she decides to just pack her stuff and leave. For some reason the other girls beg her to stay so she does. Like she was ever really gonna leave anyway!
Back on his date with Ali, Jake has arranged for Chicago to perform privately for them. Pretty cool, right? Oh wait- that’s not really Chicago. It’s apparently not even a good cover band of Chicago. I think this was a group of old men playing Xbox Rock Band Hero. They were awful! But Ali got the rose anyway.
Commercial break. Poo Temptations from Jell-O anyone?
Back in Jakeland, the 3rd date takes the girls to an amusement park. And surprisingly, no boobs fell out on any of those rides. Bummer.
So I missed the whole exchange between Elizabeth and Jake bc my sister called. Yes, I normally watch this show on the tv with the DVR but I was in bed already. Anyway- what did she say?!?! All I caught was something about kissing. It appeared she appeared crazy but Jake seemed to like it bc he gave her the rose.
But before Elizabeth gets the rose, Jake pulls Vienna aside for her to spill her guts. And I know I was calling her Paris Hilton last week but it finally hit me last night who she really looks like- Sharpay Evans from High School Musical. So I will now call her Sharpay. She tells him she was engaged her to pastor’s son in high school. Broke it off bc she realized she was too young. But a month later she eloped with someone she didn’t even know. Four months later she was signing divorce papers. Jake doesn’t seem to care but still gives the rose to Elizabeth. She gets to stay for something "special". Which is just fireworks. But she decides to play some pyscho kissing game with him. I think I will start to call her cocktease from now on.
The cocktail party arrives and Jake wants to pull aside the girls he didn’t go on dates with for some one on one time. Ella is up first.
Jake: "Do you miss Ethan?"
Ella: "At first I was but now I’m not." HUH?
During their alone time, Tenely chickened out and didn’t tell him about her ex husband.
Michelle admitted to Jake she was ready to leave when she didn’t get a date. Jake reassured her that he liked her.
Jake: "I could tell at the first cocktail party that you were cool when you cried-"
Michelle: "Oh you liked that? I can do it again. See? Wah! Wah! Wah!"
During all this, CH pulls Roz outside to talk to her. He is so nervous he looks like he’s about the throw up on her. He kept saying, "Because of what happpened" but he NEVER SAID WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!
CH: "We’re going to have to ask you to leave. I’m so afraid of you though. Please don’t hurt me!"
Roz: "You’re just mad I didn’t come on to you!"
The show dragged her being kicked out forever. They showed Jake cry, Roz pack, played intense music while the creepy luggage guy watched Rozlyn change into jeans that looked like they were size 4. As in 4T- seriously. Lilly could have fit in those tiny things!
So did you know the show takes this kind of thing seriously? VERY seriously? CH and Jake go to tell the girls what happened.
CH: "We take this kind of thing very seriously. Roz will probably get the death penalty for it. It is so serious, we rank it right after killing someone. And apparently right before boiling bunnies so you are still safe Michelle." Camera cuts to Michelle smiling with her crazy eyes twinkling.
All of the girls start to cry at this point and I can’t figure it out. Why are they crying?
Gia tells the camera how she feels so bad for Jake bc of this. "Can you imagine coming here believing this will work? Only to have your dreams crushed when you realize that in 19 previous seasons, only one couple has made it!"
Finally the roses will be passed out. Roses go to:
Elizabeth (Nichole G.)
Ali (Diana)
Vienna/Sharpay (Karen)
Gia (Laurie)
Tenley (Meghan)
Ella (Diane)
Valicia (Georgie)
Corrie (Nicole A.)
Kathryn~ who the hell are you? Never seen you before. You will go home next week (Shannon)
Jesse (Jenny)
Ashleigh H. (Lara)
Michelle (Meridith)
Got sent home:
Rozlyn (Stacy)
Ashley (Natalie)
Christina (Leslie)
The girls are all in the bachelorette pad, drinking their screwdrivers when CH comes in to welcome them.
CH: "Let me tell you how this all works. Because I’m assuming none of you have watched the last 18 season’s of this show and have no clue what it means to get a rose on a date."
The first date goes to Gia, Rozlyn, Valicia (sorry- last week I thought it Alicia. Who names their kid Valicia?), Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh H. Apparently they are going to Gia’s and Roz’s work for the day.
Jake arrives to take the girls to the In Style photo shoot wearing a silky shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. Christina wears her hair like Princess Leah and her eyebrows like Peter Gallagher. Rozlyn wears no underwear.
After the photo shoot, they head up to the roof of a hotel for a wrap party. Ashleigh straddles Jake in the pool. Christina got drunk. Pretty much a typical group date on this show. Rozlyn grabbed Jake’s face and shoved her tongue down his throat on their alone time. Jake excuses himself, grabs the date rose, shoves it down the back of his towel and holds it there with his butt cheeks till he can give it to Roz.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the next date card has arrived. As soon as the doorbell rings, Michelle’s crazy eyes come back. She tells the camera that she will kill whoever’s name is on that card if it’s not for her. Of course, it’s Ali who gets the one on one Pretty Woman date of this season.
Ali frets about what to wear bc she only brought one dress and she can’t even re-wear it bc she stepped on it at the first cocktail party and ripped it. So the other girls cut the bottom of that dress off and she basically wears the same yellow dress again only this time it’s shorter. You know- perfect outfit for straddling a motorcycle. Jake picks her up wearing the biggest Spaceballs helmet ever. He tells her "We can’t stop! It’s too dangerous!" He takes her to a little airport where Ali admits she’s so nervous she says, "I threw up in my stomach." Whatever that means.
Jake buckles her in her seat and pretends to "check out" the plane. Really he is looking for the directions on how to fly this thing. Or his dorky sunglasses. And definitely his man card. Damn that Wes for stealing it last season!
The pair takes off and the viewing audience at home gets to hear a lovely song with the words of "On the Wings of Love."
The 3rd date card arrives at the house. Elizabeth, Jesse, Kathryn, Ashley, and Vienna will be going on this date. Tenely, Michelle, and Ella are not getting a date this week. As soon as Michelle realizes this, she storms out of the family room to go boil some water. After seeing there isn’t a pot big enough for the bunny, she decides to just pack her stuff and leave. For some reason the other girls beg her to stay so she does. Like she was ever really gonna leave anyway!
Back on his date with Ali, Jake has arranged for Chicago to perform privately for them. Pretty cool, right? Oh wait- that’s not really Chicago. It’s apparently not even a good cover band of Chicago. I think this was a group of old men playing Xbox Rock Band Hero. They were awful! But Ali got the rose anyway.
Commercial break. Poo Temptations from Jell-O anyone?
Back in Jakeland, the 3rd date takes the girls to an amusement park. And surprisingly, no boobs fell out on any of those rides. Bummer.
So I missed the whole exchange between Elizabeth and Jake bc my sister called. Yes, I normally watch this show on the tv with the DVR but I was in bed already. Anyway- what did she say?!?! All I caught was something about kissing. It appeared she appeared crazy but Jake seemed to like it bc he gave her the rose.
But before Elizabeth gets the rose, Jake pulls Vienna aside for her to spill her guts. And I know I was calling her Paris Hilton last week but it finally hit me last night who she really looks like- Sharpay Evans from High School Musical. So I will now call her Sharpay. She tells him she was engaged her to pastor’s son in high school. Broke it off bc she realized she was too young. But a month later she eloped with someone she didn’t even know. Four months later she was signing divorce papers. Jake doesn’t seem to care but still gives the rose to Elizabeth. She gets to stay for something "special". Which is just fireworks. But she decides to play some pyscho kissing game with him. I think I will start to call her cocktease from now on.
The cocktail party arrives and Jake wants to pull aside the girls he didn’t go on dates with for some one on one time. Ella is up first.
Jake: "Do you miss Ethan?"
Ella: "At first I was but now I’m not." HUH?
During their alone time, Tenely chickened out and didn’t tell him about her ex husband.
Michelle admitted to Jake she was ready to leave when she didn’t get a date. Jake reassured her that he liked her.
Jake: "I could tell at the first cocktail party that you were cool when you cried-"
Michelle: "Oh you liked that? I can do it again. See? Wah! Wah! Wah!"
During all this, CH pulls Roz outside to talk to her. He is so nervous he looks like he’s about the throw up on her. He kept saying, "Because of what happpened" but he NEVER SAID WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!
CH: "We’re going to have to ask you to leave. I’m so afraid of you though. Please don’t hurt me!"
Roz: "You’re just mad I didn’t come on to you!"
The show dragged her being kicked out forever. They showed Jake cry, Roz pack, played intense music while the creepy luggage guy watched Rozlyn change into jeans that looked like they were size 4. As in 4T- seriously. Lilly could have fit in those tiny things!
So did you know the show takes this kind of thing seriously? VERY seriously? CH and Jake go to tell the girls what happened.
CH: "We take this kind of thing very seriously. Roz will probably get the death penalty for it. It is so serious, we rank it right after killing someone. And apparently right before boiling bunnies so you are still safe Michelle." Camera cuts to Michelle smiling with her crazy eyes twinkling.
All of the girls start to cry at this point and I can’t figure it out. Why are they crying?
Gia tells the camera how she feels so bad for Jake bc of this. "Can you imagine coming here believing this will work? Only to have your dreams crushed when you realize that in 19 previous seasons, only one couple has made it!"
Finally the roses will be passed out. Roses go to:
Elizabeth (Nichole G.)
Ali (Diana)
Vienna/Sharpay (Karen)
Gia (Laurie)
Tenley (Meghan)
Ella (Diane)
Valicia (Georgie)
Corrie (Nicole A.)
Kathryn~ who the hell are you? Never seen you before. You will go home next week (Shannon)
Jesse (Jenny)
Ashleigh H. (Lara)
Michelle (Meridith)
Got sent home:
Rozlyn (Stacy)
Ashley (Natalie)
Christina (Leslie)
Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 1
Hello all! And welcome to season 14 of the great American train wreck referred to as The Bachelor! I took the liberty of jotting down a few notes last night while watching the show so I wouldn’t forget to mention all the unmentionables I saw. Here are my two cents:
I turned the show on a few minutes late and for a few seconds thought I had missed the whole damn thing because they were already showing previews of the season! Isn’t this something usually saved for the END of the show? You know, to get us to tune in again next week? If they are already trying that hard to prevent us from changing the channel, you know you are in for a snore-fest. Plus, they have TWO hours to fill… have to fill it with something, right? (Side note: does anyone know if all the episodes are going to be two hours this season? I really hope not- I was so bored after watching 30 minutes of this dork!).
Chris Harrison comes out of the mansion in need of a hair cut terribly. Seriously, I even wrote down, "what is wrong with CH’s hair?!?!?" (more on this in a bit). He tells us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home last season. Um, really? Shocked? No one was shocked! I don’t even think Jake was surprised. Although Jill and Jake seemed perfect for each other bc they are both so boring, no one even cared that he left the show!
Next we see a little video of some of the girls in their hometowns before they meet Jake. These are the impressionable 1st impressions I got after watching this montage and meeting the girls for the first time:
Tenley is a divorced chic who was a virgin until hubby #1. She also still seems to be hung up on her ex since she cried really hard after mentioning him.
Elizabeth from DC mumbled something about having no fashion sense and then packed a dress that I own! And like!
Christina is the self-proclaimed bitch.
Vienna is a Paris Hilton wannabe. She also reminded me of Erica Rose from Prince Dork-o’s season.
Ella has a 7 year old son. She is this year’s Jason. She won’t get picked in the end and will our next Bachelorette in the spring.
Elizabeth the nanny looks like Courtney Cox.
I missed the rest of that section because I was tucking Lilly in bed.
Next thing I saw was Jake riding up the mansion on his motorcycle. In a suit and tie. Who does that? As he took off his helmet, you could see his hair was a mess (understandably). Then we see him standing next to CH and his hair is great. Although it could have still been a mess. CH’s hair is so bad that anything next to it would look good.
Jake and CH sit down for a chat and Jake tells CH that he believes he will find his wife here bc (yes, this is a direct quote) "I’ve seen this process work." CH starts rolling on the floor laughing till the camera man picks him up and says that Jake was being serious.
The women get out of the limo next and here are my thoughts on that:
Rozlyn was first out of limo. Actually, her boobs were. They were HUGE! And falling out of her dress.
Ella (the mom) seemed a little stalkerish with her comment of "how does it feel to be talking to the woman you’re going to marry?"
Alexa was a hooker that came to the wrong address. How do I know this? She was dressed like one and we never saw her again the whole night after the producers realized the mix up. Her whips and chains gave it away too.
I can’t remember the girl’s name but one of the girls that got out of the limo is a homemaker. Now I could be wrong but 1.) who calls it that anymore? And 2.) don’t you need a husband for that?
Stephanie was wearing a Bump-It.
Jake told all the girls to "Come find me inside." I think they decided to play a game of hide and seek at the first cocktail party instead of getting drunk this year bc that game seems to be more on Jake’s level.
ABC needs to learn the definition of "first impression." CH shows up with the rose and an annoucement: "Our successful couple from last season is back. ABC loves to parade out the couples that are still together to show you this process does work. Even if it only works for about 6 months. Here are Jillian and Ed!"
Why are they the experts?
Anyway, at this point in the show I wrote down that the nanny Elizabeth (who looks like Courtney Cox) is my favorite. I also think at this point she is the one to beat. She will definitely make it to the top 4. Probably even top 2.
CH got his haircut during the cocktail party bc when he comes out banging his champange glass of water (yes, really) his hair is normal looking again. As soon as he arrives Jake gets a big smile on his face and offers the 1st impression rose to Chris. After the producers pull him aside and explain to him it has to go to one of the girls, Jake give it to Ali.
Before I tell you who got roses and who everyone is, I thought you might be interested in these facts about last night’s show….. I wrote down popular Bachelor/ette phrases and counted the # of times they were said:
The number of times "journey" was said: 458
The number of times "I’m falling for…" was said: 13
The number of times "connection" was muttered was 27
The number of times Jake used the term "Golly" : 56
The number of girls who told Jake he could land his plane on their landing strip: 1. Wait a minute! What?!?!!? That’s not a common Bachelor line! That’s not even a real pick-up line! Who let this girl with the tight dress and big butt in here?!?
Ok, so here is who got roses and who got which girl (in no particular order):
Ashleigh (she is the one who fell getting out of the limo)~ Lara
Michelle (is crazy)~ Meridith
Christina (with the jelly beans)~ Leslie
Ashley (with the picker wheel thing and flight attendant uniform)~ Natalie
Kathryn (real flight attendant with fake fiance/ring)~ Shannon
Ella (mom)~ Diane
Elizabeth (Nanny who looks like Courtney Cox)~ Nichole G.
Ali (who won’t fly)~ Diana
Corrie (?????)~ Nicole A.
Rozlyn (boobs)~ Stacy
Tenely (cried after begging him for a kiss but still got the 1st impression rose)~ Meghan
Gia (I got nothing)~ Laurie
Vienna (Paris Hilton)~ Karen
Alicia (never saw her till he gave her the rose)~ Georgie
Jesse (is from Canada)~ Jenny
So those are my thoughts. Did I leave out anything? What did you think? Who do you think is gonna win it all? What are your thoughts?
I turned the show on a few minutes late and for a few seconds thought I had missed the whole damn thing because they were already showing previews of the season! Isn’t this something usually saved for the END of the show? You know, to get us to tune in again next week? If they are already trying that hard to prevent us from changing the channel, you know you are in for a snore-fest. Plus, they have TWO hours to fill… have to fill it with something, right? (Side note: does anyone know if all the episodes are going to be two hours this season? I really hope not- I was so bored after watching 30 minutes of this dork!).
Chris Harrison comes out of the mansion in need of a hair cut terribly. Seriously, I even wrote down, "what is wrong with CH’s hair?!?!?" (more on this in a bit). He tells us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home last season. Um, really? Shocked? No one was shocked! I don’t even think Jake was surprised. Although Jill and Jake seemed perfect for each other bc they are both so boring, no one even cared that he left the show!
Next we see a little video of some of the girls in their hometowns before they meet Jake. These are the impressionable 1st impressions I got after watching this montage and meeting the girls for the first time:
Tenley is a divorced chic who was a virgin until hubby #1. She also still seems to be hung up on her ex since she cried really hard after mentioning him.
Elizabeth from DC mumbled something about having no fashion sense and then packed a dress that I own! And like!
Christina is the self-proclaimed bitch.
Vienna is a Paris Hilton wannabe. She also reminded me of Erica Rose from Prince Dork-o’s season.
Ella has a 7 year old son. She is this year’s Jason. She won’t get picked in the end and will our next Bachelorette in the spring.
Elizabeth the nanny looks like Courtney Cox.
I missed the rest of that section because I was tucking Lilly in bed.
Next thing I saw was Jake riding up the mansion on his motorcycle. In a suit and tie. Who does that? As he took off his helmet, you could see his hair was a mess (understandably). Then we see him standing next to CH and his hair is great. Although it could have still been a mess. CH’s hair is so bad that anything next to it would look good.
Jake and CH sit down for a chat and Jake tells CH that he believes he will find his wife here bc (yes, this is a direct quote) "I’ve seen this process work." CH starts rolling on the floor laughing till the camera man picks him up and says that Jake was being serious.
The women get out of the limo next and here are my thoughts on that:
Rozlyn was first out of limo. Actually, her boobs were. They were HUGE! And falling out of her dress.
Ella (the mom) seemed a little stalkerish with her comment of "how does it feel to be talking to the woman you’re going to marry?"
Alexa was a hooker that came to the wrong address. How do I know this? She was dressed like one and we never saw her again the whole night after the producers realized the mix up. Her whips and chains gave it away too.
I can’t remember the girl’s name but one of the girls that got out of the limo is a homemaker. Now I could be wrong but 1.) who calls it that anymore? And 2.) don’t you need a husband for that?
Stephanie was wearing a Bump-It.
Jake told all the girls to "Come find me inside." I think they decided to play a game of hide and seek at the first cocktail party instead of getting drunk this year bc that game seems to be more on Jake’s level.
ABC needs to learn the definition of "first impression." CH shows up with the rose and an annoucement: "Our successful couple from last season is back. ABC loves to parade out the couples that are still together to show you this process does work. Even if it only works for about 6 months. Here are Jillian and Ed!"
Why are they the experts?
Anyway, at this point in the show I wrote down that the nanny Elizabeth (who looks like Courtney Cox) is my favorite. I also think at this point she is the one to beat. She will definitely make it to the top 4. Probably even top 2.
CH got his haircut during the cocktail party bc when he comes out banging his champange glass of water (yes, really) his hair is normal looking again. As soon as he arrives Jake gets a big smile on his face and offers the 1st impression rose to Chris. After the producers pull him aside and explain to him it has to go to one of the girls, Jake give it to Ali.
Before I tell you who got roses and who everyone is, I thought you might be interested in these facts about last night’s show….. I wrote down popular Bachelor/ette phrases and counted the # of times they were said:
The number of times "journey" was said: 458
The number of times "I’m falling for…" was said: 13
The number of times "connection" was muttered was 27
The number of times Jake used the term "Golly" : 56
The number of girls who told Jake he could land his plane on their landing strip: 1. Wait a minute! What?!?!!? That’s not a common Bachelor line! That’s not even a real pick-up line! Who let this girl with the tight dress and big butt in here?!?
Ok, so here is who got roses and who got which girl (in no particular order):
Ashleigh (she is the one who fell getting out of the limo)~ Lara
Michelle (is crazy)~ Meridith
Christina (with the jelly beans)~ Leslie
Ashley (with the picker wheel thing and flight attendant uniform)~ Natalie
Kathryn (real flight attendant with fake fiance/ring)~ Shannon
Ella (mom)~ Diane
Elizabeth (Nanny who looks like Courtney Cox)~ Nichole G.
Ali (who won’t fly)~ Diana
Corrie (?????)~ Nicole A.
Rozlyn (boobs)~ Stacy
Tenely (cried after begging him for a kiss but still got the 1st impression rose)~ Meghan
Gia (I got nothing)~ Laurie
Vienna (Paris Hilton)~ Karen
Alicia (never saw her till he gave her the rose)~ Georgie
Jesse (is from Canada)~ Jenny
So those are my thoughts. Did I leave out anything? What did you think? Who do you think is gonna win it all? What are your thoughts?
First ever blog entry...
So I realize I am way behind the times here. This is the first ever blog I've ever blogged. Those that know me well will not be surprised by this fact seeing as it is 2010 and I don't even own a "real" cell phone and have never sent a text message before. And no, I'm not 90 years old!
I enjoy watching ABC's The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a little too much. I have watched every season since episode one with Alex. A few seasons in, some girlfriends and I started a little gambling pool to make the viewing of this train wreck a little more fun. We each throw in $10 to "buy" a girl/guy and randomly draw names of the bachelors/bachelorettes. The person who has the girl/guy who gets the final rose also gets the pot of money. I've been playing this game since the Bob season and organizing it myself since the Bryon season and have never won a penny!
I have also read numerous blogs with show recaps. I used to forward these to all the girls in my Bachelor pool but lots of time I got too impatient for these funny recaps to be posted and somewhere along the line I just started writing my own. At first I would just e-mail these to the girls in my Bachelor pool but it has spread to the point where I am also sending them to others and my friends are forwarding them along to their friends. A few of my friends urged me to start my own blog and here we are.
I enjoy watching ABC's The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a little too much. I have watched every season since episode one with Alex. A few seasons in, some girlfriends and I started a little gambling pool to make the viewing of this train wreck a little more fun. We each throw in $10 to "buy" a girl/guy and randomly draw names of the bachelors/bachelorettes. The person who has the girl/guy who gets the final rose also gets the pot of money. I've been playing this game since the Bob season and organizing it myself since the Bryon season and have never won a penny!
I have also read numerous blogs with show recaps. I used to forward these to all the girls in my Bachelor pool but lots of time I got too impatient for these funny recaps to be posted and somewhere along the line I just started writing my own. At first I would just e-mail these to the girls in my Bachelor pool but it has spread to the point where I am also sending them to others and my friends are forwarding them along to their friends. A few of my friends urged me to start my own blog and here we are.
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