Ben Episode 5 Recap

First of all I wanted to thank all my readers. Especially the commenters. I know I don’t have a huge following, nor am I looking for any kind of accolades but it’s nice to know that what I write doesn’t go unread and that hopefully it entertains a few people along the way as well. There are numerous times that Monday nights roll around, I’m tired, and would like to just curl up in bed and watch the show without having to pause it four thousand times to write down my thoughts. But for some reason, I feel guilty for even thinking that thought and know I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the trainwreck without documenting it for future generations to wonder about. Anyway, all that to say thank you! If you read and enjoy it please leave a comment. If you read and you hate it, I can direct you to a different, more funny recap blog site. Now let’s talk Bachelor!

The episode opens with the return of the ABC intern who moonlights as a graphic artist and the cartoon plane flying from Park City, Utah to Puerto Rico. Rico Sauve is on board with a tricked out mustache and three days worth of beard growth. The girls arrive, packed onto a fishing boat like the sardines the fishermen are hoping to catch saying that Puerto Rico is the “perfect place to fall in love.” Just like Park City, San Fran, Sonoma, and LA. They flood into their villa wearing nude heels, black leggings, and brightly solid colored tank tops. They have lost their 30 foot scarves somewhere over the ocean. The Hare welcomes them to Puerto Rico wearing navy blue dress pants and a plaid flannel button down. His hair has finally been cut but I imagine he’s so bored with Ben he decided to see what terrible ensemble he could wear to mess with people. He gives the ladies the run down on the dates this week: 2 one on one dates, and one group date. Everyone will go on a date and if you get a rose you are safe till next week. With this non-information, he drops the first date card and makes like Jagger and moves.

1st date goes to Nicki: “A bunch of shit that Ben looked up in his Spanish/English dictionary.”

Nicki dons Mrs. Roper’s tie dyed robe for their date, packs her shit, and waits for Ben to whisk her away to the 2nd helicopter ride of the season. They walk around town, watch an old Puerto Rican man shave some ice off a huge block for them to eat and walk around in the pouring rain. Wait. Did I say walk? I meant run. They run around in the pouring rain. No, they aren’t running through the rain to get to cover. They are just jogging in it. In 5 inch heels. In the rain! The fact that Nicki doesn’t melt when wet is a turn on to Ben. He makes metaphors about the rain symbolizing how she’s be able to roll with the punches in life because not everything can be planned. Yeah, like the producers didn’t make it pour. Right. I just feel sorry for the poor ABC intern responsible for carrying out that order!

Ben and Nicki decide to shop for new “threads” since their clothes are so wet. Ben trades his cut off gray jorts and brown v-neck t-shirt for Colonel Sanders cruise boat attire. Nicki puts on another Mrs. Roper kimono.

Ben and Nick crash a wedding, which leads Ben to make the brilliant deduction that being married is completely different than being engaged. Nicki also says that the next time she gets married she wants it to be forever. Which leads me to wonder: the first time she got married did she say “OK, this will be fun but I hope we’re divorced in 2 years.”

Ben: “I want to walk away with a woman at the end of this. I want to propose one MORE time in my life.” He continues talking but I’m laughing so hard I don’t even know what he says.

For the night portion of their date, Ben takes Nicki to a secluded putting green for dinner in Mork’s spaceship. They discuss her marriage and divorce. But the only thing I can focus on is the huge mic pack shoved in the back of her dress. I wonder how they wedged that sucker in there? Butter? Baby oil? K-Y Jelly? Ben doesn’t care. He just likes her so he gives her the rose.

Back at the villa... the girls sit around and discuss how many dates they’ve each been on when there is a knock at the door. The ABC intern has ding-dong-ditched them with the group date card which indicates that “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend”- Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B., Casey S. (who?), Jamie (is she still around?), and Blakely. Which means Elyse will get the one on one date.

Ben takes the girls to a baseball diamond. Wrong best friend Ben! Except if you’re Lindzi. She wears dirt instead of make up so of course she loves baseball. They throw some balls and do some batting practice before ... WTF?!?!? Is that CH!?!? Before the rose ceremony??!!? Gracing us with his presence THREE times in one episode?!? His shirt matches his eyes and I’m mesmerized. He’s there to break the news that although the date isn’t over, not all of them will be moving on to the night portion of the competition. The girls are split into two teams to play a game of baseball. The losing team will head back to the hotel and the winning team gets to go with Ben to a “beach party.” Since there are 9 girls, one chic needs to play on both teams and automatically gets to go to the beach party. Ben picks Lindzi and CH picks Blakely and Courtney to be team captains. You can tell CH is LOVING this. It was totally worth it to him to leave his hooker in bed and sleep off his buzz to come stir the crazy pot a bit.

Courtney’s red team is Kacie B., Casey S. (who?), and Jamie. Blakely’s blue team consists of Emily, Jennifer, and Rachel. The game is totally cheesy. CH doesn’t even stay to watch it. He heads back to the production room with Jim Beam and cracks up as he watches. It is so boring so I’ll just cut to the chase: the red team wins the game. Lindzi, Courtney, Kacie B., Casey S., and Jamie get to go on. Ben compares losing the chance to have dinner with him and four other girls to losing the World Series. I can only imagine how many Red Sox fans wants to kick his ass.

A helicopter picks up the red team, magically transforms their baseball uniforms into date night attire, and deposits them on a candle strewn beach. This is while the blue teams heads back to the hotel on a school bus. Yes, a whole school bus for four girls. They all cry about how bad they NEEDED, not wanted but NEEDED, more time with Ben. I cry a little because I can’t believe I’m still watching this.

Ben takes Lindzi to another giant papasan chair, Jamie somewhere where we hear the first three words she has uttered since she got out of the limo 5 weeks ago, and Casey S. starts to open her mouth before Courtney’s voice over about how perfect she is for Ben cuts her off. Ben pulls Kacie B. and her Flashdance off the shoulder sweater aside for some alone time and I notice this is either the second week she’s worn the same shirt or else she mistakenly thought she was going on a reality 80’s show about welding instead of The Bachelor. But Ben loves it and gives her the date rose. Courtney decides she hasn’t done something stupid for a while so she uses her alone time with Ben to plant the seed that he wants to skinny dip with her. The way she keeps going on and on and talking about it reminds me of my 6 year old daughter and how when she wants something she doesn’t shut up about it.

The third date is for Elyse: “Let’s find love somewhere private.” Side note about Elyse. I’ve been trying to put my finger on this about her since week one but on this date I was finally able to figure it out. I think she was Jerry’s girlfriend from the Festivus episode of Seinfeld. Ben picks her up on a huge yacht. Ben thinks being on the water is the perfect place to fall in love. I wonder where he doesn’t think is a perfect place to fall in love. They cruise to the middle of the ocean and jump off the side of the boat together. Elyse holds her nose and I wonder once again how her bikini does not fall off as she hits the water.

For the night portion of the date, they head to a secluded island beach to sip champagne in a tux and a one sleeved white dress. Elyse gets out her shovel and starts digging her grave by telling Ben she’s sick of being single.

Ben: “So that’s why you’re here? Because you are sick of being single?”

Elyse: “No, not just that. I also want to get engaged!” (clueless!)

Ben: “Ummmm... hmmmm....”

Elyse: “I’m sick of seeing the other girls come home from their dates all happy. I want that to be me!”

Ben pulls the producer aside and asks how long he has to wait before sending her back in the reject dinghy. The producers realize she is not crazy enough to keep around any longer and allow Ben to cut the cord. He does so by first leading her on by picking up the rose and complimenting her before dropping the dreaded “but...” Her ass is on the next flight back to the good ol’ U. S. of A. ABC obviously needed some filler time though because they waste a good 10 minutes filming Ben watch Elyse swim back to the main land before dramatically throwing her rose in the ocean. Did anyone really care about this chic?

The girls are sitting around discussing if Elyse will get a rose or not per the producers orders when the bag boy comes in to get her luggage. Even though most of the girls just said they didn’t think Elyse was coming back, they ALL act surprised to see her go. Except Courtney who as far as I can tell does four things when she’s not on a date with Ben: 1.) sit around drinking BIG CARL sized glasses of wine, regardless of the time of day or if anyone else is drinking too, 2.) wear a white bathrobe, 3.) cut down everyone else, and 4.) chew her own face off while plotting how to keep “winning!” Duh!

When Ben returns from his failed date, Courtney is waiting for him with a bottle of wine and the offer to give him a bath or massage. She appeared so desperate to me but Ben loved it! He says he doesn’t want the bath or rub down so Courtney flashes him her boob and leads him outside to the beach for the promised skinny dipping session that ABC has been teasing us with the last 5 weeks.

The rose ceremony night rolls around and Ben is feeling guilty for getting it on with Courtney. She’s definitely one cookie short of ending in the looney bin but Ben is just as bad as she is! The producers pull Jennifer aside and convince her to play truth or dare with the other girls before Ben arrives.

Jennifer: “Sounds like fun but what kind of questions should I ask?”

Producer: “Here is a list. Please stick to it! Number one about the skinny dipping will be a real hoot! Do that one first!”

Jennifer asks the girls who has gone skinning dipping and Courtney’s hand shoots up faster than Ben’s little General did the night before. I thought for sure she was gonna tell them and I so wish she did. But unfortunately, that little nugget didn’t come out. Yet.

The rest of the rose ceremony goes down in regular pre-rose ceremony cocktail party fashion. Ben pulls aside each of the girls, they basically beg for a rose, there is some loud kissing, blah, blah, blah. Then Ben pulls Emily aside and she didn’t learn her lesson from last week because she hasn’t even sat down and she’s bad mouthing Courtney again! Ben warns her again- shut your mouth or go home!

CH finally arrives with his butter knife and champagne glass of doom. Kacie B. and Nicki already have roses. The other 7 go to Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S. (who?), Blakely, and Emily. Which means that Red (even though she’s the best kisser) will be joining Elyse on the trip back to America. By the way, anyone else think that was Mike Fliess himself driving the Hummer? I bet he was sitting up there asking her questions about her dead dog to make her cry so much.

And that’s where we end week five of this journey. Do you think Ben made the right decisions? Who do you think is going home next week? What’s up with CH and Casey S.? Anyone else think she’s a top secret spy with the CIA? Leave your much appreciated comments in the comment section and I’ll see you next week. If you need me before then I will be “freeing” myself in the ocean.