Ben Episode 1 Recap

It’s been a long six months since we’ve seen CH’s piercing baby blues but he makes it all worth it as he welcomes us back to the bachelor mansion with his charming smile and smart suit. Oh how we’ve missed you CH. He wastes some time in recapping Ben’s sweaty journey to rejection with Ashley last season before introducing us to the new and improved Ben 2.0 model that ABC has been busy creating all summer and fall. Instead of the usual shirtless bachelor working out on the beach and showering, we get shots of Ben drinking wine, steering a boat wearing Greg Brady’s orange tank top, driving a tractor around his vineyards, and smelling the fart while looking at his farm as Ben’s voice-over tells us he’s ready for love again. He plays my daughter’s piano recital piece on an outdoor piano (yes, really. It was outside. WTH?) while musing that he is humbled to be ABC’s 2nd 3rd choice for this season of the train wreck we all love to hate.

CH wants to introduce us to the 25 women we’re about to be introduced to momentarily by showing clips of some of them in their hometowns. Here are my brief impressions of those few we get to see:

Lindzi C.- 25; works in sales. She likes to “ride” (if you know what I mean). She looks way older than 25. (Remember this information for later).

Amber T.- claims she’s 28 but it says 29 on the screen. She likes to shoot things and eat dirt. She says “If everything works out, Ben will definitely be coming back to Nebraska. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll shoot his face off.” At least that is what I heard.

Kacie- 24; dorky.

Courtney- 28; model. I predict she will be the house bitch.

Jamie- 25; RN who works in labor and delivery. Because of that, she’s ready to get married and start having babies. And she’s basically raised all her siblings too because of her parents’ tragic past. She has about 10 of them and they are all supposed to be younger than she is but they all look to be about 40.

Lyndzie J.- from London. She bugs me.

Jenna- 29; blogger. I know she can’t be nearly as cool as me. Plus, she has a mink coat draped over her bed. WTH?!?!

Shawn- 28; has a 4 year old son and needs a hair dresser to fix her 2 tone hair.

Nicki- 26; she’s gone through things in her past just like Ben. What a small world! They should be perfect together seeing as no one else has gone through anything ever.

As the women get into the limos to come meet Ben, CH and Ben reunite. After sharing a long look across the wet driveway, Ben and CH sit down to talk. If you’ve ever watched another first episode of this show before you can just fast forward through the next ten minutes. Ben says how embarrassed he was to be dumped on national tv by the last bachelorette (but will have no problem embarrassing one of these fine ladies), how heart broken he was, how much stronger he is now because of it, how he doesn’t regret it, how he’s sure this process works (even though it’s track record has only produced 2 marriages in the 57 seasons it’s been on), and how he’s totally ready to find love again.

Moving on... the drunk girls start arriving. As they stumble out of their limos, pretending to be so excited that Ben’s The Bachelor, these are my second 1st impressions:

Rachel- seems somewhat normal and very cute. I like her.

Erika- lost 1/2 her dress to an angry cat on the way over. She seems crazy and slutty. A perfect mix!

Amber B.- is wearing a dress Sister Maria made for her out curtains and offered to let Ben eat her.

Elyse- forgettable.

Jenna- has ten inch roots to her 13 inch hair. Messes up quoting something Ben said last season before going inside to brood the rest of the night about what an idiot she is.

Courtney- looks like Katie Holmes.

Emily- is OCD about germs but has no problem shoving her tongue down Ben’s throat so she can brag that she got the first kiss.

Samantha- is wearing her beauty pageant sash. No. Joke.

Casey S.- bad see-thru dress.

Amber T.- ugly tiger print dress, tries to walk in the wrong door so she could make him fall in love with her at second sight. Left her gun at home. Or in the limo.

Holly- huge, ugly hat. I don’t think I need to say more.

Jamie- he puts her nerves at ease by pointing out it’s much more nerve wracking on her end. Um, Ben... how does that make her feel better again?

Shira- asks Ben if he is He-Man and if this is the Castle of Gray Skull.

Blakely- forgettable (for now).

Sheryl- grandma who fell in love with Ben last season and has come to introduce her granddaughter, Brittney to him. Best intro ever!

Brittney- brings her grandma.

Nicki- she’s “glad it’s Ben.”

Dianna- so drunk she can’t even talk.

At this point I realize that Ben is doing NOTHING to engage these girls. He’s boring!

Jennifer- talks numbers because she’s an accountant.

Lyndsie J.- wrote a poem for Ben and then ran out of time and didn’t do her hair so she threw it in a messy ponytail.

Anna- didn’t get the memo on how the show works and walks right into the house without saying a word to Ben. Stupid or brilliant?

Monica- is wearing the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast as a skirt.

Jaclyn- forgettable.

Shawn- bright green dress; big butt.

Kacie B.- calls him Benjamin

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Lindzie C.- rides her horse to meet Ben. Ben admits he’s never dismounted anyone before. TMI Ben, TMI.

Everyone is super jealous of the girl who rode in on a horse, especially Holly who realizes Lindzie C.’s hat is way cuter than her own. I predict Lindzie C. will go far. I like her actually.

The producers have pumped the girls with enough alcohol that they can have Ben enter the mansion and the women can pretend/actually think he’s hot and perfect.

Rachel and Ben sit down to talk. She says she’s a small town girl and in the same breath she says that she lives in New York City. Apparently she doesn’t know the definition of the word small. That might come in handy for Ben down the road during the overnight dates so my bet is she’ll stick around for a bit.

Side note----> are her ear lobes weird or is she wearing funky earrings?

Lindzie C. and Ben sit down for some alone time and apparently she’s aged two years since the start of the episode (I know I feel like I have) because now the screen says she’s 27 when earlier she was only 25. Their alone time goes well which further pisses off the rest of the girls.

Ben and Grandma sit down to talk before Ben realizes she’s not for him and walks her to the reject limo where she actually cries on the way home. As hot as Sheryl is, Ben is not into sharing and since she’s already married, Ben has to let her go. He then sits down with Sheryl’s granddaughter Brittney. As far as I can tell, they have nothing in common. She’ll get a rose tonight for sure but I doubt she will go much farther.

CH arrives with the 1st impression rose and a wet blanket to throw on the fun. This rose causes the girls to pull out all the stops: Holly puts her hat on Ben’s head, Shawn takes him outside to play soccer in her heels, Blakely shows him her Kasey Kahl tattoo, Elyse makes him do push-ups (I could do more than he did!), Emily sings a bad rap about diseases.

Monica admits to Jenna that she’s only said four words to Ben and can’t declare her love for him yet. This pisses the blogger off. You know that words about Monica will be written in her blog soon! But Monica admits to the camera and Blakely too that she loves women and Blakely’s beautiful teeth. They go outside together, lay all over each other, and look like they are about to make out. CH and Ben are watching from the production room with a box of tissues.

Monica and Jenna are both bat shit crazy. I really hope they both get roses. That bag of crazy is sure to entertain!

At this point I realize Ben hasn’t been on for at least two commercials. I know he’s smoking his post-coital cigarette with Hare in the production room while watching the drama unfold in the mansion but I also suspect the producers have realized he’s boring and these lunatics are much more interesting!

Alas, he shows up at the tail end of Jenna’s cry session after her fight with Monica. She opens her bag of crazy and lets Ben get a glimpse of her issues while “yelling” at him for being too calm.

Ben finally grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Lindzie C. because her horse that she rode in on is named “First Impression Rose.” She accepts, they peck kiss, Jenna blogs through her tears in the bathroom, and CH finally comes in banging his champagne glass of doom. But before the rose ceremony can begin, the producers have to lure Jenna out of the bathroom with the promise of a year’s supply of Prozac. Ben comes in, says how hard it’s been, CH mumbles under his breath “that’s what she said”, Ben passes out the rest of the roses.

1. Lindzie C.
2. Jamie
3. Rachel
4. Blakely
5. Emily
6. Kacie B.
7. Casey S. (who?)
8. Brittney
9. Erika
10. Shawn
11. Nicki
12. Jennifer (again, who?)
13. Elyse
14. Samantha
15. Courtney
16. Jaclyn
17. Monica

and after CH interrupts to impress everyone with his mad counting skills, 18. Jenna

So there we have it. I don’t think the words “journey” or “amazing” were used at all tonight! Do you think Ben finds love or will he be left at the final rose ceremony alter once again? Who will be the villains this season? Who is the front runner in your mind? Tune in next week for more of the crazy!