Ben Episode 3 Recap

Once again, CH is missing in action. WTH? Instead, we have Nicki welcoming us to San Francisco at the start of the episode. The girls drive over the San Francisco bridge sipping champagne while Ben walks up a steep street that the ABC intern will later have to hose down with fake snow for the group date, to meet with his sister who looks a lot like one of the Kardashians. Her name is Julia but I will call her Khloe. The sibs sit down to talk like this is the last week. Did I miss a few weeks or what? They are in Ben’s hometown, he’s talking to his sister about the girls he likes best... did I miss something here? While Ben and Khloe are throwing down, the girls take over the Fairmont Hotel, squealing like a pig in mud. Across town, Ben and Khloe start squealing about the possibility of going on double dates together finally! I think he should just give the final rose to his sister right now and be done with it. Do you think she might be the mystery woman ABC has been advertising that shows up later this episode?

Yay! CH is back to settle the remaining 16 bitches into the hotel. He shows up wearing last night’s outfit of t-shirt, v-neck sweater vest, and sports coat looking like he needs a haircut. He explains the “rules” of the show for the 100th time and drops the first date card before making like horse shit and hitting the trail.

The first one on one date goes to Emily- “Love Lifts Us Up.” Ben meets Emily on the street to tell her they are climbing the Bay Bridge together. Emily is terrified of heights (naturally) and so am I. As they start walking up, I start hyperventilating. Emily does too. Now Ben starts to feel bad.

Ben: “I’m thinking ‘what can I do to help her?’”

Me: “Don’t take a girl who is afraid of heights on a climb up a bridge moron!”

Ben: “We are 250 feet up. This is hands down the craziest thing we’ve ever done together. You know, in the three hours I’ve known her. Unbelievable that we haven’t done other crazy shit yet!”

Side note: There is NO way Emily is actually as scared of heights as she claims. I was sweating just watching all this through my fingers from the comfort of my own couch. If she was truly even half as scared as she claims she would have frozen and not been able to move. Lair!

The producers thankfully let them come down for the night part of their date. However, it appears they make them eat dinner right in the center of the highway on the bridge? I really like Emily. She seems smart, normal, nice (in the not fake way), pretty, and they seem to have good chemistry.

Meanwhile, back at the Fairmont, after the girls spy Em and Ben through a telescope (no joke), the next date card arrives for Blakely, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Samantha, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Casey S. (who?), Jamie, and Elyse. “Let’s Cross Something Off Our Leap List- Ben.” Have you ever heard of a Leap List? I haven’t but thankfully one of the girls explains it is a list of things you want to do before making the leap and getting married. Which doesn’t really make sense to me because I am married but don’t understand how that would stop me from skiing down the street in my bikini. Oh wait. Being married would stop me from doing that because my husband would probably divorce me for doing something so stupid.

Back on the date, Ben offers Emily the rose. She accepts, they kiss, there are fireworks (both literally and figuratively). I’m now rooting for Emily. Team Em!

The next day the group date begins with a lot of black and white stripes. Ben tells them they are going snow skiing. In 85 degree weather. Wearing sundresses and 5 inch heels. Just kidding- they get to take off the heels and dresses to wear bikinis and winter hats and scarves to ski down a man-made snow covered street. Ok, I have to admit- it did look like fun. Minus the bikinis.

Back at the hotel, Lindzi is feeling up set because she hasn’t had a date with Ben yet and Brittney gets the last one on one date in San Fran. “Let’s Unlock Our Love With the Key to the City.” With the card comes a Flavor Flav necklace of a blinged out key which Brittney puts on right away even though she’s “not feeling it.” She starts to self doubt why she is there (because her grandma made her do it).

For the night portion of the group date, they go to some raining pool restaurant where Ben pulls Rachel aside for some one on one time. They hold hands, lai each other, and loud smooch. She must really dig his Chandler Bing sweater vest.

Then Ben and Kacie B. take a walk together to reconnect.

Ben: “There is something about Kacie B. (why does he keep calling her that still?!?!) that really sparkles!”

Me: “It’s her damn shirt! It’s about blinding me already!”

They steal their warm cokes, sneak off, and kiss in a flower bed.

Back at the hotel, Brittney doesn’t know how to count when she tells Emily that living in a house with 25 other girls is not for her (there are only 16 left now Britt! Come on- what’s Grandma gonna say if you leave now?). She decides that she doesn’t want the last one on one date and to just go home now. She sheds some tears, packs her bag, and “leaves forever.” But first she has to go interrupt Ben’s date to tell him she’s leaving. As if it weren’t evident by the suitcase she was lugging behind her. By the way- NO WAY in hell all her stuff fit in that one tiny piece of luggage!

Ben gives the date rose to Rachel, she accepts, the other girls fake act like they’re happy for her, and I’m left wondering who is going to play sloppy seconds to Brittney on the date the next day.

It’s Lindzi. They ride off on a trolly car to eat some ice cream and explore San Francisco City Hall. Where did he ever get the key? I’m guessing the ABC intern had to rip it off of Brittney’s neck before she rode off in the “I’m the one who dumped you taxi.” Matt Nathanson is there to play a private concert for them and two thoughts go through my head: 1.) jealous! I heart Matt Nathanson, and 2.) disappointed. Is Matt Nathanson such a nobody that he has to whore himself out on this show? Lindzi and Ben make out between awkward terrible dancing. Then they travel back in time to 1920 and a speakeasy. They share their past relationship woes with each other. She was dumped via a text; Ben’s proposal on national TV was turned down. Ben gives her the date rose, she accepts, they loud kiss. Then they break into a piano showroom and Ben gives her a lesson while showing off his skills. He’s such a talented piano player he apparently doesn’t even need to have his fingers on the keys and so they slow dance to either a ghost playing the piano or no music at all. Either way- creepy!

But the perfect night isn’t even close to being over! Across town the mystery woman who happens to have CH’s phone number leaves a message for our beautiful host saying she’s on her way to ruin a great cocktail party. Who is it? My money is on Brittney’s grandma.

On the night of the actual cocktail party, Ben shows up wearing a grey suit like a mortician’s (foreshadowing?) and a pink striped skinny tie.

The mystery woman shows herself and it’s none other than Shawntel from Brad’s second season looking to extend her 15 minutes. Good thing Ben wore his mortician’s suit. CH greets her,shows her his bad hair that desperately needs to be cut, and instructs her to freshen up before crashing the cocktail party.

Shawntel enters the cocktail party like she owns the place, not saying a word to anyone. All the girls pretend like they’ve never watched a season of the show before and don’t know who she is. She finds Ben and certainly surprises him in a good way.

They’ve apparently “had words” (my guess is at the reunions?) and she’s “felt something” for him. Courtney and Samantha stand in the open doorway and listen/watch the whole convo. At one point Courtney’s head starts to spin! The girls are all pissed off! But Ben seems happily flattered that Shawntel is there.

The girls are pissed that Shawntel is there. They pretend that she doesn’t have a right to be there because 1.) she doesn’t know Ben (unlike all of them who’ve had a whole 15 minutes to get to know him), 2.) she must be a loser if she has to come on a reality show to find love (unlike them), and 3.) she has thicker thighs than that girl we’ve never seen before.

Finally CH arrives with a shit-eating grin to inform the girls that the booze is no longer a flowin’. He’s going right to the rose ceremony. Emily, Rachel, and Lindzi already have roses. The other 11 go to Courtney, Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S. (who?), Blakely, Monica, Nicki, Samantha, and..... CH steps in to show his mad counting skills and announce there is only one rose left. Jaclyn uses this time to realize she is not getting that rose and bad mouth Shawntel. Erika realize she’s not getting the rose AND her thighs ARE bigger than Shawntel’s so she becomes physically sick. Her face turns white, her lips turn blue, the girls start asking her a million unrelated questions: “Are you hot?”

“Put your head between you legs.”

“Put your head between my legs.”

“No, put your head between Ben’s legs.”

“Are you anemic?”

“Are you a scorpio?”

Where was Jamie the nurse during all this?

Finally the big guy who helped Roz pack her shit when they kicked her off comes to clear the crowd. Of course this is clearly all Shawntel’s fault! Finally Ben gets to give out the final rose and it goes to.... NO ONE! CH is pissed because he hadn’t announced that Samantha’s rose was the final rose, Jaclyn is mad because she really wanted a rose, and even though Erika is fainting again, Ben decides to walk Shawntel out.

I imagine their conversation went something like this:

Ben: “I’m really sorry. I wanted to give that rose to you and was planning on it till that lawyer got sick. Here is my number. Call me in 4 months when whoever I give the final rose to and I finally break up. I wanna crawl up on your embalming table baby!”

Next week they are heading to Park City, Utah, where apparently all the girls are super excited about visiting. And that is where we end this leg of the journey. What do you think? Was Ben’s decision fair? Are all these girls nuts? Is Shawntel nuts? Does Ben own a pair of nuts? Do you think CH will get his mop cut before next week? Tune in next Monday to find out! In the meantime, leave your comment in the comment section. If you need me I will be off practicing skiing in my bikini.