Ashley Episode 9 Rcap

The show opens with a scenic pictures of Fiji, including an erupting geyser which I think is symbolism and foreshadowing at it’s finest! Welcome to the over night dates!

Ashley arrives in “the ‘parfact’ place to fall in love” via a tiny airplane and an even tinier mini skirt, half shirt/tank top combo. She recaps her “journey” with each of the three remaining men. We hear Ashley’s voice over of her thoughts on these guys while looking out over her balcony wearing her trademark off the shoulder shirt and then writing in her journal in her hotel room. I imagine the entry looked something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. JP

Ashley and Constantine’s twin- true love always

Constantine and Ashley Georgio

Before she can dot her i’s with hearts, there is a knock at the door and Ryan is there to boost the ratings in an otherwise dull season. It would have been shocking if it weren’t for the previews of this very moment being shown the whole season.

The two “it’s great to see you again” for five minutes before they remember they have nothing to say to each other. Ryan uses this lull to express his love for her even though he’s met with the same silence he was on every date they went on together. Ryan takes the lack of words to be a good sign and goes off to his own room, expecting a knock on the door from her soon with a bottle of wine and a forgo card from CH.

1st Over Night Date: Ben

Ashley greets Ben wearing a red bikini top and a white sheet wrapped around her waist. The pair hop aboard a boat to lounge around on colorful throw pillows that the ABC intern arranged earlier and recap their hometown date per ABC’s “over night date script.” Then they lotion each other up with sunscreen like they are in a cheesy romantic movie. They snorkel while holding on to life jackets instead of actually wearing them.

Then they retire to the evening portion of the date for dinner on a sandy beach. Ashley really dresses up by wearing her tie-died beach cover up. She leaves her smokey eyes at home to stuff her face while Ben tells her he’s in love with her. As Ashley sums it up, it was “parfact.” Before the night is over, Ashley pulls out the forgo card from CH. Ben demonstrates he knows how to read and that he’s straight as he accepts the key to the fantasy suite.

2nd Over Night Date: Constantine

My first thought at the start of this date is “I wonder what Ryan is doing? Is he out whoring it up with CH? Is he sitting by his phone, waiting for Ashley to call?” But before I can formulate possible answers to these questions, I see Ashley and a million new questions flood my brain. The first of which is “what the fuck is she wearing?!?!” The outfit looks like a pair of shorts from my six year old daughter’s dresser, they are so short. But sadly, the shorts are the best part of the ensemble. Her white tank top laces up the middle and ties in front like a shoelace. This is all going on right next to two big ruffly things. It is also so short it barely covers her non-boobs. I’m so embarrassed for her, I can hardly watch. However, I spot my first helicopter of the season (how is that possible?) and the two head off to see the island from above.

Someone from ABC has heard my question of “I wonder what Ryan is doing” and has the helicopter pilot (I wonder if it’s Jake?) fly over him so I can see him digging for seashells in the sandbar. While he tells the camera that he wants to see Ashley again, she is busy plugging her nose and praying her swim suit doesn’t fall off while cliff diving with Constantine next to a beautiful waterfall.

For the night portion of their date, Ashley and Constantine head to dinner at the hotel. They toast each other with white wine that Ashley defines as “sweet.” Constantine corrects her.

Constantine: “It’s fruity, not sweet. Ben told me that.”

Ashley: “Is that weird? That you and your twin are dating the same girl?”

Constantine: “He’s not my twin. Just a friend who looks freakishly like me. I made him cut his hair so it’d help you tell us apart. Has it helped? I mean, last night when you were in bed with him, did you accidentally yell out my name?”

Ashley: “Whatever. Here’s the forgo card from CH. Do you wanna come back to my room or not?”

Constantine basically tells Ashley that since he’s not head over heels in love with her, he can’t accept the forgo card. Before we can see Ashley’s head explode, the President of the USA cuts in to tell us this never would have happened had Emily been the Bachelorette. Or something about the national debt. Never mind, I fast forward. And I just have to say, in FFx4, Obama’s head looked like a bobble head doll. Anyway, moving on...

Constantine tells Ashley it’s the end of the road for them before leaving Ashley to stew in her low self esteem while reading CH’s forgo card. She accepts and goes to the fantasy suite by herself.

Now that Constantine is gone, ABC has time to let Ashley break Ryan’s heart a second time in as many weeks on camera once again. She struts over to Ryan’s villa (why did he get a huge villa and Constantine only got a tiny one room deal?) to dump him like a ton of bricks. They “Ash” and “Ry” each other before finally really saying goodbye (again) so Ashley can go french braid her hair to get ready for her date with JP.

3rd Over Night Date: JP

Ashley meets JP in a field on the opposite side of a forest wearing this episode’s trademark half shirt and some daisy dukes. JP emerges from the trees; they hug and kiss and “I’ve missed you” before climbing aboard a water plane. They basically get the same tour of the island Ashley did with Constantine only instead of a helicopter, they are on a sea plane. Ashley sums it up by calling it “parfact.” They head to their own private island so just the two of them can be together. And by “private” and “just the two of them,” I mean Ashley, JP, the producers, the 15 cameramen, the plane pilot (I wonder if it’s Jake?), the ABC intern, and the boom mike guy.

For the night part of their date, the duo heads to a picnic on the beach. Again, Ashley leaves the smokey eyeshadow and her pants at her hotel room. She tricks JP into thinking he’s the last guy standing by telling him she’s said goodbye to two guys this week. She first pretends that she’s the one who let Constantine go because she wasn't’ feeling it with him, even though he’s the one who left because she couldn’t tell the difference between him and his twin. Then Ashley tells JP about Ryan coming back. JP thinks she’s talking about Bentley at first so Ashley uses that opportunity to bring up his name again. Then she pulls out the forgo card. JP silently thanks CH before heading back to the fantasy suite to close the deal.

Rose Ceremony

I gotta say, I am laughing that she was even going to do a rose ceremony tonight. But I realize they must fill the time with something and since Emily wouldn’t come back to do a second interview, we have to watch Ashley have a sit down with CH in the rain. They recap each date we just saw. My mind wanders to what that phallic shaped sculpture behind them is.

CH goes off to practice counting to two while Ashley places Constantine’s picture face down. She joins CH to pass out the roses to JP and Ben. Kinda anti-climatic but that’s par for the course this season. Ryan (again) and Constantine are headed back to the U.S. without a rose. Ashley gets ready to introduce the two remaining guys to her family. And that’s where we end week 9.

Next SUNDAY is the Men Tell All special. I doubt I’ll recap it as it should be called “The Men Tell Nothing” special. I’ll also not be recapping the finale next Monday, Aug. 1 since I’ll most likely be watching it with each of you and you can hear my snarky comments first hand.

Don’t forget that Bachelor Pad starts in two weeks on Monday, Aug. 8. Thanks all for reading my blog through this pretty boring season. For the two of you that took the time to comment, thank you so much! It means more to me than you know and more to me than it should. I’ll be back in the fall to recap the Bachelor. Who do you think it will be? My money is on Constantine. Until then...