Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 4

　
Last night’s episode was brought to you in part by the phrases, "step it up" and "come out of her shell." Chris Harrison comes to the bachelorette pad to tell the girls to change out of their Eva Longoria velour sweatsuits bc they are leaving the mansion forever. "Girls, we are going to change everything! I’m going to make this sound really exciting and glamorous but really you are taking a road trip in an RV the rest of the season. Because our man Jake is such a huge dork, viewership is down this season and ABC can no longer afford the rent on this house." Tenely and Kathryn’s mouths drop so far open and their eyes almost pop out of their heads they are so excited! You’d think CH told them they were taking a road trip to the moon or something.
The girls are divided into two different RVs. The first RV contains the Tri-Delts of Teneley, Ali, Ella, Kathryn, and Jessie. The second RV holds the Phi Mus of Gia, Corrie, Ashleigh, and Vienna. The girls are given camcorders because apparently the budget cut affected the cameramen too. The RVs take off and Jake follows behind on his motorcycle with his giant SpaceBalls helmet.
Jake: "I’ve set up camps in a vinyard so I’m gonna wear my plaid camping shirt. I’ve brought about 10 of them for this trip. Which one should I wear tonight?" He pulls out about 100 plaid flannel shirts that all look the same. He picks one and leaves to meet the ladies for his first date.
His first date is a one on one date with Gia. Gia is so excited to finally get an alone date with Jake! Gia reads from the date card: "Let’s go over the moon and under the stars!" It’s then that it hits me who she sounds like- Rosie Perez! Maybe I was reminded because I watched the movie Untamed Heart on Sunday night. But there is no denying it- she could be the girlfriend of Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump for sure!
Gia wears spike high heeled shoes on her camping date- first thing she does that reminds me of Evan. Jake takes her to a vineyard and they play hide and seek (second thing she does that reminds me of Evan). Gia doesn’t even really "hide" but just stands on the other side of a tree (3rd thing she does that reminds me of Evan) Once Jake finds her, Gia jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around him for him to carry her around. I’m starting to think the producers got the idea for all this from spying on me playing with Evan.
The two sit down to drink some wine and talk.
Jake: "In high school, they called me Mr. Dateless."
Gia: "Why?"
Jake: "Because I was so popular with the girls. I had dates every day! Sometimes 5 different dates on one day. They called me Mr. Dateless bc they named me that on opposite day."
These two then decide to move on from games that 2 year olds play and play a game that 13 year olds play instead- spin the bottle. ABC played porno music as these two actually spun the bottle and waited for it to land on each other before actually kissing.
The next game they play is hide the pickle. Jake has changed into a different lumberjack shirt and the two are under a blanket making out.
Gia later tells the camera: "I’m not afraid. I’m just scared. I also need a new thesaurus but not a synonym book."
Back at camp, Ashleigh finds the next date card and we find out that the group date will be Vienna, Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenely, Ali, and Corrie. Which means the two on one date goes to Ella and Kathryn.
The road trip continues but by the second day, no one cares anymore. Tenely still tries to get excited for the producers but it’s pretty pathetic.
Ok, so we also learn something else as the girls are getting ready for their group date. Apparently Ali does not like Vienna. They don’t get along or something. Anyone else pick up on this last night? It was very subtle.
Ali: "If Vienna gets the rose on today’s date I will throw up. In my mouth." Um yeah, thanks for clarifying bc I think this is girl who said that she was going to throw up in her stomach in an earlier episode. She has some weird throwing up ticks I guess.
The group date is pretty boring. They go dune buggy riding and sand surfing. Corrie and Jake roll down a hill together. Seriously, this guy acts like a 5th grader.
It’s now 8:42 and a commercial. I am getting bored. Then a commercial for Super Nanny comes on and watching a 15 second clip of this dysfunctional family rejuvenates me and makes me feel like the best mom and human ever! I’m now excited to watch the rest of the show!
The group date goes to an inn that is pretty scary. Each room has a different theme but there are a lot of big rocks, old furniture, and red leather heart shaped booths.
Jake pulls Ashleigh aside for some alone time in the porno room. We watch her maul him while he acts like her touch is burning him and he’s rather be anywhere else. These two have zero chemistry.
Next, Jake and Ali go to a caveman/rock room. Ali makes him cry. I forget what she even said. It was probably something along the lines of "If you give the rose to Vienna tonight I will come to your house while you sleep and cut off your balls." She is really starting to scare me.
Tenely and Jake visit a cheesey room and he puts his head in her lap so she can pet him like a dog.
Vienna begged for the last alone time with him and then whines to him the whole time about getting him to himself and about the other girls not liking her.
Jake gives the rose to Tenely bc she is "patient" which translates to he just now realized he can walk all over her. Afterall, isn’t that what he learned form their alone time? That her ex husband walked all over her? And she let him?
For the last date of the night, Jake goes back in time to the 1950’s. He tells the camera: "Tonight’s date is heavy!"
Jake, Ella, and Kathryn go to a poorly lit garage and eat dinner with their coats on while Jake interviews them for a job at Starbucks. I’m not even making this up when I tell you that he told Ella "Great answer!" Ella won’t let Kathryn get a word in.
Finally Jake pulls Kathryn outside for a chat on a log. Kat calls him out on his ignoring her- you go girl! Both girls get the "friend hug" at the end of their alone time with Jake.
It’s now 9:14 and my butt hurts from sitting so long.
Creepy music plays, the camera shows Jake watching the other girls thru the trees. He goes back inside the garage with no heat to tell Ella and Kathryn that no one is getting the rose tonight and that they are both going home!
When the girls at camp realize this, Tenely starts crying. She apparently does not understand the concept of this show. Jake sulks around the tiny garage, creepy intense music swells, Jake throws the rose into the fire. Dum-dum-dum!
Finally- cocktail party/rose ceremony! I never thought this episode would end. I’m starting to get bored so I only wrote a few things down….
Corrie wore her Bump-It and begged Jake to like her.
Ali wore a yellow dress. Again. Oh and did you know? She hates Vienna.
Gia wore a corset.
Jessie wore green eyeshadow and what appeared to be black nylons and a black shirt. No skirt or pants. She also ratted out Vienna during her alone time with Jake. I think Ali made her do it.
CH comes in banging his champagne glass of doom. Jake goes to the room of pictures that some poor intern had to pack up for this road trip. He comes back to hand out the roses.
Gia (Laurie) and Tenely (Meghan) already have roses. He gives another one to Ali (Diana) and Corrie (Nicole A.) before looking down and seeing his bracelet that says "WWCHD" and runs off to find CH and ask him.
Jake: "Chris, you are such a cool dude."
CH: "Thank you. I know."
Jake: "What would you do? There are 2 but 1. You are sure of 1 and you know you have 2 roses but 2 girls can go. I know how to do math. I know that 1 plus 1 is 2. But what if I want the math problem to be 1 plus zero?"
CH interrupts: "What are you asking Jake? Can’t you see I’m busy here. Spit it out boy! You’re not making any sense."
Jake: "Do I have to give out 2 more roses?"
CH: "Of course not. But are you sure? Absolutely sure? Because once you decide to give them away you can’t take it back. Unless you are Jason Mesnic. Then we will let you do whatever you want as long as we can record it and air it on live tv. Ok?"
CH dramatically takes away one of the roses. Jake gives the last rose to Vienna (Karen).
So Kathryn (Shannon), Ella (Diane), Jessie (Jenny), and Ashleigh (Lara) got sent home last night.
What are your thoughts? Who do you think is going home next week? Will Ali kill Vienna in her sleep? Or punch her lights out at the next rose ceremony?