Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 2

Episode 2 opens with a voice over from CH. "Welcome back to The Bachelor. This week’s show is brought to you in part by the words "journey," "special," and "amazing."
The girls are all in the bachelorette pad, drinking their screwdrivers when CH comes in to welcome them.
CH: "Let me tell you how this all works. Because I’m assuming none of you have watched the last 18 season’s of this show and have no clue what it means to get a rose on a date."
The first date goes to Gia, Rozlyn, Valicia (sorry- last week I thought it Alicia. Who names their kid Valicia?), Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh H. Apparently they are going to Gia’s and Roz’s work for the day.
Jake arrives to take the girls to the In Style photo shoot wearing a silky shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. Christina wears her hair like Princess Leah and her eyebrows like Peter Gallagher. Rozlyn wears no underwear.
After the photo shoot, they head up to the roof of a hotel for a wrap party. Ashleigh straddles Jake in the pool. Christina got drunk. Pretty much a typical group date on this show. Rozlyn grabbed Jake’s face and shoved her tongue down his throat on their alone time. Jake excuses himself, grabs the date rose, shoves it down the back of his towel and holds it there with his butt cheeks till he can give it to Roz.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the next date card has arrived. As soon as the doorbell rings, Michelle’s crazy eyes come back. She tells the camera that she will kill whoever’s name is on that card if it’s not for her. Of course, it’s Ali who gets the one on one Pretty Woman date of this season.
Ali frets about what to wear bc she only brought one dress and she can’t even re-wear it bc she stepped on it at the first cocktail party and ripped it. So the other girls cut the bottom of that dress off and she basically wears the same yellow dress again only this time it’s shorter. You know- perfect outfit for straddling a motorcycle. Jake picks her up wearing the biggest Spaceballs helmet ever. He tells her "We can’t stop! It’s too dangerous!" He takes her to a little airport where Ali admits she’s so nervous she says, "I threw up in my stomach." Whatever that means.
Jake buckles her in her seat and pretends to "check out" the plane. Really he is looking for the directions on how to fly this thing. Or his dorky sunglasses. And definitely his man card. Damn that Wes for stealing it last season!
The pair takes off and the viewing audience at home gets to hear a lovely song with the words of "On the Wings of Love."
The 3rd date card arrives at the house. Elizabeth, Jesse, Kathryn, Ashley, and Vienna will be going on this date. Tenely, Michelle, and Ella are not getting a date this week. As soon as Michelle realizes this, she storms out of the family room to go boil some water. After seeing there isn’t a pot big enough for the bunny, she decides to just pack her stuff and leave. For some reason the other girls beg her to stay so she does. Like she was ever really gonna leave anyway!
Back on his date with Ali, Jake has arranged for Chicago to perform privately for them. Pretty cool, right? Oh wait- that’s not really Chicago. It’s apparently not even a good cover band of Chicago. I think this was a group of old men playing Xbox Rock Band Hero. They were awful! But Ali got the rose anyway.
Commercial break. Poo Temptations from Jell-O anyone?
Back in Jakeland, the 3rd date takes the girls to an amusement park. And surprisingly, no boobs fell out on any of those rides. Bummer.
So I missed the whole exchange between Elizabeth and Jake bc my sister called. Yes, I normally watch this show on the tv with the DVR but I was in bed already. Anyway- what did she say?!?! All I caught was something about kissing. It appeared she appeared crazy but Jake seemed to like it bc he gave her the rose.
But before Elizabeth gets the rose, Jake pulls Vienna aside for her to spill her guts. And I know I was calling her Paris Hilton last week but it finally hit me last night who she really looks like- Sharpay Evans from High School Musical. So I will now call her Sharpay. She tells him she was engaged her to pastor’s son in high school. Broke it off bc she realized she was too young. But a month later she eloped with someone she didn’t even know. Four months later she was signing divorce papers. Jake doesn’t seem to care but still gives the rose to Elizabeth. She gets to stay for something "special". Which is just fireworks. But she decides to play some pyscho kissing game with him. I think I will start to call her cocktease from now on.
The cocktail party arrives and Jake wants to pull aside the girls he didn’t go on dates with for some one on one time. Ella is up first.
Jake: "Do you miss Ethan?"
Ella: "At first I was but now I’m not." HUH?
During their alone time, Tenely chickened out and didn’t tell him about her ex husband.
Michelle admitted to Jake she was ready to leave when she didn’t get a date. Jake reassured her that he liked her.
Jake: "I could tell at the first cocktail party that you were cool when you cried-"
Michelle: "Oh you liked that? I can do it again. See? Wah! Wah! Wah!"
During all this, CH pulls Roz outside to talk to her. He is so nervous he looks like he’s about the throw up on her. He kept saying, "Because of what happpened" but he NEVER SAID WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!
CH: "We’re going to have to ask you to leave. I’m so afraid of you though. Please don’t hurt me!"
Roz: "You’re just mad I didn’t come on to you!"
The show dragged her being kicked out forever. They showed Jake cry, Roz pack, played intense music while the creepy luggage guy watched Rozlyn change into jeans that looked like they were size 4. As in 4T- seriously. Lilly could have fit in those tiny things!
So did you know the show takes this kind of thing seriously? VERY seriously? CH and Jake go to tell the girls what happened.
CH: "We take this kind of thing very seriously. Roz will probably get the death penalty for it. It is so serious, we rank it right after killing someone. And apparently right before boiling bunnies so you are still safe Michelle." Camera cuts to Michelle smiling with her crazy eyes twinkling.
All of the girls start to cry at this point and I can’t figure it out. Why are they crying?
Gia tells the camera how she feels so bad for Jake bc of this. "Can you imagine coming here believing this will work? Only to have your dreams crushed when you realize that in 19 previous seasons, only one couple has made it!"
Finally the roses will be passed out. Roses go to:
Elizabeth (Nichole G.)
Ali (Diana)
Vienna/Sharpay (Karen)
Gia (Laurie)
Tenley (Meghan)
Ella (Diane)
Valicia (Georgie)
Corrie (Nicole A.)
Kathryn~ who the hell are you? Never seen you before. You will go home next week (Shannon)
Jesse (Jenny)
Ashleigh H. (Lara)
Michelle (Meridith)
Got sent home:
Rozlyn (Stacy)
Ashley (Natalie)
Christina (Leslie)