Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 3

Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the words "journey," "risk," "impressed," and "comfort zone."
CH woke up late to tell the girls about the dates this week so he threw his wrinkled sports coat on top of his PJs and headed down to the bachelorette pad to tell the ladies what it meant if they got a rose and what would happen if they didn’t.
As if on cue, the first date card arrives the minute CH leaves. It’s a one on one date for Sharpay and Troy! I mean Vienna and Jake. Vienna is really excited to show Jake that she’s "a lot of fun." As soon as these words leave her mouth, you can hear crickets chirping and see the confused looks from the rest of the girls.
So a helicopter arrives to take Vienna and Jake on their date. Wow! A helicopter? Really? That is so original! Even though Jake is a pilot (I think… I mean have they mentioned what he does for a living at all? I can’t remember… anyway…) he is terrified to get in this helicopter. He looks like he is about the vomit all over Vienna’s hair extensions. Finally, we see why he’s so scared. They are jumping off a bridge.
Vienna: "I’m not jumping off no bridge" she tells the camera. "I ain’t gots to! I’s gots good grammer too."
After crying like a little girl about it for 15 minutes, Jake finally gets the balls to actually jump. That or the producers finally had enough of him bawling and pushed him over. Either way, he and Vienna shared a special moment while falling…. He barfed in her mouth for the very first time.
After that, they sit down to dinner. Apparently it was a big bowl of peas. Anyone else notice that? And of course the after dinner swim. Jake dives into the pool so gracefully. Vienna belly flops and looks like a whale. They kiss some more. Jake admitts to the camera that he really likes Vienna. She’s "impressed" him by taking a "risk" and going out of her "comfort zone." Plus, she didn’t kick his ass when he cried like a baby for the first two hours of their date that HE planned.
Back at the house, the next date card arrives to announce the group date of Corrie, Elizabeth the cocktease, Ali, Tenely, Ashleigh, Michelle the crazy, Kathryn (who the hell is she?!?!), and Jessie. Jake’s taking the girls to a comedy club where they will be asked to take a "risk" and "impress" him by stepping out of their "comfort zone" and doing stand up comedy in front of an audience. You know, how everyone is expressing their love for people now. Who cares about chocolate and flowers and dinner and a movie? If you really want to show you care, do stand up comedy no matter how unfunny you are!
Elizabeth is pretty nervous about doing a comedy bit and says she doesn’t even know any good knock knock jokes. Here is one for you Elizabeth:
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Your right boob
Your right boob who?
Your right boob is so far away from your left they need to be introduced
OR:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tori Spelling
Tori Spelling who?
Tori Spelling called and she wants her bad boob job back
The rest of the jokes were so funny. And by funny, I mean painfully Unfunny. The only other thing I wrote down is that Corrie was wearing a yellow blanket all night.
Back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s addressed to Rozlyn but since she is no longer there, Jake crossed out her name and picked the other chic with a kid to take to Sea World- Ella. So that means that Gia and Valishia (who we haven’t seen since the last rose ceremony and before that since she stepped out of the limo) are not getting dates this week. Gia and Vienna get into it and Vienna goes to her room to write in her journal. As she stomped off to do this, it reminded me who she is- she’s this season’s Moana. Remember her? I think she was the runner up on Travis Stork’s season? Everyone hated her but the bachelor. She pouted and wrote poetry in the house. Anyway…I also noticed that Gia talks funny. She either has a lisp or she was wearing her retainer.
Meanwhile, the group date has moved onto the roof of a hotel- another "new" idea in this show. Jake’s calling it a wrap party. Like he has called every other group date. Ali toasts Corrie for wearing her yellow blanket like the rest of the girls dared her to do and for her bashing Vienna during her stand up routine. Michelle does not join in the toast and Ali gets in her grill about it. At this point Michelle starts babbling about giving her mother another grandbaby. Basically she tells Ali that she doesn’t want to toast Vienna and recognize Vienna as the crazy one in the house bc she wants that title all for herself. And she’s going to prove it.
Michelle stomps off to pout and cry. Jake joins her and asks her what’s wrong.
Michelle: "As you can see, I’ve been crying. You’ve seemed to like that every other time we’ve talked so I’m going to do it again for you."
Jake: "Don’t cry. What can I do for you?"
Michelle: "I want to go home. Send me home. No wait! What I really mean is beg me to stay. But I can’t stay you know. I love you Jake. No one else here does. I’m leaving!"
Jake: "Please leave."
Michelle: "What?!??! You’re asking me to leave? I didn’t see that coming! What a shock! Everyone here thought I was going to marry Jake! I can’t believe he did this to me."
Jake ends the wrap party early. He needs to go home and look up the definition of wrap party and write his feelings down in his journal before having his bedtime snack of chocolate milk and cookies. He needs to get this all done before his 8:00 bedtime too. And he needs to call Chris and ask Chris what to do.
The next day, Jake is refreshed from his slumber party with CH. He arrives at the house to take Ella on her "special" date. And by special, he means it was planned for another girl in the house who slept with a producer and had to leave early. And has been done on just about every other season of the show.
Ella has apparently never seen the show though so she’s wildly "impressed."
Ella: "I never in a million years thought a helicopter would pick us up!" (She honestly said this! She’s obviously NEVER watched this show. And wasn’t around when Jake picked up Vienna two days before).
Jake takes her to Sea World and "surprises" her with her son being there.
Ella: "I had no idea Jake could bring Ethan!"
Producer: "Well Roz’s ex husband wouldn’t sign the papers for her son to come on the show so you were the only other one with a kid."
Jake and Ella and Ethan have lunch on the grass. Jake gives Ethan a little airplane to play with so he will leave Ella and him alone. Ella is touched by this and admits that she thinks you can go to the moon on an airplane.
So watching Jake with Ella and her son was so awkward. He had no clue how to act around kids. Jake appeared to have more of a "connection" with the dolphin than with Ella or her son. But he does give Ella the rose after putting her son in the reject van with crazy Michelle.
Rose ceremony time! Cocktease starts feeling Jake up immediately. Jake calls her out on it! What’s this? He’s standing up for himself? Elizabeth back pedals and turns it around.
Elizabeth: "He’s going to send me home bc I wouldn’t kiss him. I know I gave him blueballs but come on! Isn’t that the game?"
Ali thinks she is the house therapist now. After Sharpay interrupts Elizabeth and Jake, Ali pulls her aside to explain how Gabriella wouldn’t act like that and Gabriella gets Troy in the end.
CH comes in banging his spoon on his milk cup and Jake goes to the room of pictures. After turning Michelle’s picture face down, Jake plays eeny meany miny moe to determine who else will go home.
Roses go to:
Ella (Diane)
Vienna (Karen)
Gia (Laurie)
Corrie (Nicole A.)
Tenely (Meghan)
Ali (Diana)
Jessie (Jenny)
Kathryn (Shannon)
Ashleigh (Lara)
Free van rides to the airport go to:
Crazy ass Michelle (Meridith)
Cocktease Elizabeth (Nichole G.)
Valishia (Georgie)
So what are your thoughts?