Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 1

Hello all! And welcome to season 14 of the great American train wreck referred to as The Bachelor! I took the liberty of jotting down a few notes last night while watching the show so I wouldn’t forget to mention all the unmentionables I saw. Here are my two cents:
I turned the show on a few minutes late and for a few seconds thought I had missed the whole damn thing because they were already showing previews of the season! Isn’t this something usually saved for the END of the show? You know, to get us to tune in again next week? If they are already trying that hard to prevent us from changing the channel, you know you are in for a snore-fest. Plus, they have TWO hours to fill… have to fill it with something, right? (Side note: does anyone know if all the episodes are going to be two hours this season? I really hope not- I was so bored after watching 30 minutes of this dork!).
Chris Harrison comes out of the mansion in need of a hair cut terribly. Seriously, I even wrote down, "what is wrong with CH’s hair?!?!?" (more on this in a bit). He tells us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home last season. Um, really? Shocked? No one was shocked! I don’t even think Jake was surprised. Although Jill and Jake seemed perfect for each other bc they are both so boring, no one even cared that he left the show!
Next we see a little video of some of the girls in their hometowns before they meet Jake. These are the impressionable 1st impressions I got after watching this montage and meeting the girls for the first time:
Tenley is a divorced chic who was a virgin until hubby #1. She also still seems to be hung up on her ex since she cried really hard after mentioning him.
Elizabeth from DC mumbled something about having no fashion sense and then packed a dress that I own! And like!
Christina is the self-proclaimed bitch.
Vienna is a Paris Hilton wannabe. She also reminded me of Erica Rose from Prince Dork-o’s season.
Ella has a 7 year old son. She is this year’s Jason. She won’t get picked in the end and will our next Bachelorette in the spring.
Elizabeth the nanny looks like Courtney Cox.
I missed the rest of that section because I was tucking Lilly in bed.
Next thing I saw was Jake riding up the mansion on his motorcycle. In a suit and tie. Who does that? As he took off his helmet, you could see his hair was a mess (understandably). Then we see him standing next to CH and his hair is great. Although it could have still been a mess. CH’s hair is so bad that anything next to it would look good.
Jake and CH sit down for a chat and Jake tells CH that he believes he will find his wife here bc (yes, this is a direct quote) "I’ve seen this process work." CH starts rolling on the floor laughing till the camera man picks him up and says that Jake was being serious.
The women get out of the limo next and here are my thoughts on that:
Rozlyn was first out of limo. Actually, her boobs were. They were HUGE! And falling out of her dress.
Ella (the mom) seemed a little stalkerish with her comment of "how does it feel to be talking to the woman you’re going to marry?"
Alexa was a hooker that came to the wrong address. How do I know this? She was dressed like one and we never saw her again the whole night after the producers realized the mix up. Her whips and chains gave it away too.
I can’t remember the girl’s name but one of the girls that got out of the limo is a homemaker. Now I could be wrong but 1.) who calls it that anymore? And 2.) don’t you need a husband for that?
Stephanie was wearing a Bump-It.
Jake told all the girls to "Come find me inside." I think they decided to play a game of hide and seek at the first cocktail party instead of getting drunk this year bc that game seems to be more on Jake’s level.
ABC needs to learn the definition of "first impression." CH shows up with the rose and an annoucement: "Our successful couple from last season is back. ABC loves to parade out the couples that are still together to show you this process does work. Even if it only works for about 6 months. Here are Jillian and Ed!"
Why are they the experts?
Anyway, at this point in the show I wrote down that the nanny Elizabeth (who looks like Courtney Cox) is my favorite. I also think at this point she is the one to beat. She will definitely make it to the top 4. Probably even top 2.
CH got his haircut during the cocktail party bc when he comes out banging his champange glass of water (yes, really) his hair is normal looking again. As soon as he arrives Jake gets a big smile on his face and offers the 1st impression rose to Chris. After the producers pull him aside and explain to him it has to go to one of the girls, Jake give it to Ali.
Before I tell you who got roses and who everyone is, I thought you might be interested in these facts about last night’s show….. I wrote down popular Bachelor/ette phrases and counted the # of times they were said:
The number of times "journey" was said: 458
The number of times "I’m falling for…" was said: 13
The number of times "connection" was muttered was 27
The number of times Jake used the term "Golly" : 56
The number of girls who told Jake he could land his plane on their landing strip: 1. Wait a minute! What?!?!!? That’s not a common Bachelor line! That’s not even a real pick-up line! Who let this girl with the tight dress and big butt in here?!?
Ok, so here is who got roses and who got which girl (in no particular order):
Ashleigh (she is the one who fell getting out of the limo)~ Lara
Michelle (is crazy)~ Meridith
Christina (with the jelly beans)~ Leslie
Ashley (with the picker wheel thing and flight attendant uniform)~ Natalie
Kathryn (real flight attendant with fake fiance/ring)~ Shannon
Ella (mom)~ Diane
Elizabeth (Nanny who looks like Courtney Cox)~ Nichole G.
Ali (who won’t fly)~ Diana
Corrie (?????)~ Nicole A.
Rozlyn (boobs)~ Stacy
Tenely (cried after begging him for a kiss but still got the 1st impression rose)~ Meghan
Gia (I got nothing)~ Laurie
Vienna (Paris Hilton)~ Karen
Alicia (never saw her till he gave her the rose)~ Georgie
Jesse (is from Canada)~ Jenny
So those are my thoughts. Did I leave out anything? What did you think? Who do you think is gonna win it all? What are your thoughts?