Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 5

Welcome to episode 5 of the Bachelor. Tonight’s show is brought to you by the phrase, "taking it to a new level."

Show opens with all the girls on the same RV on their way to San Francisco. They all are wearing scarves. Except Ali. She has a burka wrapped around her neck. The RV pulls up to a hotel where Jake is waiting to greet the ladies.

Jake: "Ratings came back higher last week so no more camping for us! We can afford to put you girls up in a nice hotel again. Plus, Chris Harrision isn’t here to tell you what happens if you get a rose vs. if you don’t get a rose so ABC saved a few more bucks on that end. Hope you can follow along without his help."

The first one on one date is for Tenely. As she is going on and on about the date it hits me who her voice reminds me of- Ruby’s voice from Max and Ruby! Especially when she said, "No Jake….."

For this date, Jake wore his turtleneck, peacoat, and high black George Washington boots to take Tenely on a trolly ride. By the time they got to Chinatown (where Jake actually said, "It feels like you are in a foreign country!"), Tenely was bugging the hell out of me. She thought the date was either 20 Questions or "Ask Me If We’re Doing Blank Two Seconds Before We Do It."

Tenely: "Are we going on a trolly ride?"
Tenely: "Are we going to Chinatown?"
Tenely: "Are we going to make fortune cookies?"
Tenely: "Are we going to talk about my divorce all night?"

Yay Tenely! You won the prize on tonight’s game show of guess what you’re going to do! What did you win, you ask? Well here is a nice red rose. And a date with a dork!
So Jake and Tenely make fortune cookies and make out in the cookie store. Then they walk around the city with said fortune cookies in little brown bags that looked like urine specimen bags from the lab.

Cut to the hotel.
Producers: "Girls sit around and talk about who you think is going on the next date. Then we’ll bring the date card."

Girls: "Who do you think will go on the 2 on one date?"

Knock-knock. High pitched glee. The date card has arrived.

Corrie plays a joke and tells the girls the next date is Ali and Vienna. But when Ali goes into cardiac arrest over the thought of spending the day with Jake and Vienna, Corrie realizes her mistake. As Gia calls 911 and Vienna smirks, Corrie tells everyone she was just kidding- the date is for Vienna and Gia. Then she begs the producers to put her into the witness relocation program so Ali can’t find her and kill her.

Back on the date, Jake and Tenely have dinner while Jake grills her about her marriage and divorce. She cries over her ex once again. Then they break out the homemade fortune cookies. Tenely’s reads "Kiss me on my chocolate star." Jake’s says, "I miss Chris Harrison!"

To the camera, Jake admits he is falling for Tenely but he’s worried about her divorce. I think this is forshadowing.

The next day a trunk full of "princess" dresses and accessories arrives for Vienna and Gia to go thru and find something nice for their princess/queen date. Somehow they both end up in jeans.

They are going to another vineyard. Gia gets excited about the thought of another game of hide and seek with Jake. But Vienna is not going to let that happen! She cries to Jake (in front of Gia- awkward!) about the other girls not liking her. Again. Why doesn’t Jake see what a whinny thing this girls is and kick her to the curb already?!?! So what does he do while Gia looks bored and Vienna turns on the water works again? He congratulates himself for picking the right girls.

Jake: "I’m so proud of myself!" Yeah Jakey- your mom would be too.

During his alone time with Gia, he assures her she can fall for him. She puts him in a chokehold to kiss him/chew his face off. Vienna goes looking for them. For some reason she gets really scared. Even though there is a cameraman following 2 feet behind her. She starts to cry. I’m thinking she must have had a whole bottle of wine while waiting for Jake and Gia to finish their game of 7 Minutes in Heaven and is now trashed.

As soon as she finds them, she gets her alone time with Jake. What does she do? Immediately starts crying about the other girls again. What does Jake do? Immediately starts to "interview" her. Afterall folks, there are only a couple of weeks left and that coffee isn’t going to brew itself!

Jake then tucks both girls in bed and goes to his own room to sleep almost naked (except for a giant watch- who sleeps with their watch on?). Vienna sneaks down to his room. Jake does not like it. He marches her back to her room and tells them, "I told you girls not to get out of bed! Now go back to sleep and don’t make me come up here again!"

Next date goes to Corrie. Corrie is a wardrobe consultant. You may be asking yourself what that is. I know I was the whole season. Until last night when she got dressed for her date. Apparently, based on what she was wearing, a wardrobe consultant is a girl who turns back time and wears clothes from the mid-80s. She looked like Jane Fonda about to workout in that get-up! (a side note: I’m pretty sure I know NOTHING about fashion so if that was actually a cute/cool/in outfit, please let me know)

This date was the MOST boring date ever!!!! There were so many awkward pauses and you could hear crickets chirping while they took that row boat ride.

The two go to some aquarium for dinner. Corrie tells him she will not move in with him till they are married.

Jake: "Are you saying you’re saving yourself for marriage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Good one Cor! Oh? You’re serious? Oops- ok that’s cool. Don’t worry. That won’t effect us. But just so we’re clear, pack your bags babe. You’re going home before the overnight dates for sure!"

So commerical time and it’s only 9:03. Somehow they are going to fill the next hour with two things: Ali’s date and the rose ceremony. Why don’t I watch this show recorded so I can fast forward thru all the boring stuff?!?!

Ali gets ready for her date and decides not to wear yellow. Instead, she puts on a purple Cindy Brady dress that is so short I swear the producers had to blur stuff out a few times.

Ali tells Jake: "I’m excited to show you my home away from home like when you took me flying. The only difference is, this is actually my home."

They go to Starbucks and Jake starts the interview off: "Take me thru your typical Sunday. Tell me why you want this job at Starbucks."

They go to a park, play soccer, give back rubs, and then break out the champagne for a toast.
Ali: "Cheers!"
Jake: "Speaking of trust-"
Ali: "We weren’t speaking of trust."
Jake: "Ok, so bad segue… but just tell me why you hate Vienna. Stop making her cry!"
At this point the conversation made no sense to me. That or I am just so bored by all this now. Either way, both Ali and Jake are happy with it and kiss! Jake suggests they go jump in the water. So they both run into it up to their ankles. Um, that’s not jumping in! That’s ruining a nice pair of shoes for nothing!

The cocktail party finally arrives! Gia wore the curtains from the hotel. Vienna’s hair was done by an angry bird thinking it was building a nest.

CH arrives for his alone time with Jake since they haven’t seen each other all week! Jake eagerly jumps up to talk with his idol.

CH: "Thanks for doing my hair earlier. I think it looks just like your’s now. What do you think?"
Jake: "It looks great Chris! You are such a cutie!"
CH: "Well I just wanted to make sure you aren’t going to pull another fast one on me this week Jakey."
Jake: "Huh?"
CH: "Come on- don’t play dumb. Telling me last week to take a rose away at the last minute. I had to do some quick math there. I can’t subtract one from two that quickly! I didn’t like being put on the spot like that."
Jake: "Sorry man. Golly gee. I’ll never do that to you again buddy!"
CH: "Thanks. Now that we have that straight, get out there and send the virgin home so we can all go home!"

Roses go to:
Tenely
Ali
Gia
Vienna

Going home:
Corrie

So what did you think? Were you surprised that Ali didn’t morph into a monster and rip Jake’s head off when he gave the last rose of the night to Vienna? Do you think the reason there will be no rose ceremony next week is bc Jake admits his love to CH instead and sends all the girls home in a strange new twist? Let me know what you are thinking in the comments section. See you all next week!