First of all, before I get to the recap, I’d like to give a shout out to the commenters from last week. It’s so nice to know that people not only read this blog, but also enjoy it. I’m glad I can make you chuckle. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. I mean that. Truly I do. Now on to the show!
The show opens with 10 minutes of previews, followed by an Anguillian bongo player who may or may not have been Banky Banx. The girls arrive via jet boat after the ABC intern again makes a great use of the graphics department as he shows an airplane flying from Costa Rica to Anguilla on a map. His high school geography teacher must be so proud!
CH finally makes an appearance at the girls’ “villa” and a shocking announcement! He tells the girls that instead of only 3 dates this week, there will be 4! Three 1 on 1 dates without roses and one group date with a rose. He drops the first date card on the futon and makes like an atom and splits.
1st date: “3 things I would bring to a deserted island: champagne, picnic lunch, and Emily.” 3 things I’d bring to a deserted island would be sunscreen, beer, and my cell phone to call someone to come get me but Emily would be 4th on my list even so I can forgive Brad’s earlier stupidity.
Brad picks Emily up and takes her to what looks like the reject bench. He gives her some champagne before “surprising” her with a helicopter ride to a phallic shaped island.
The pair shares an awkward lunch of “magical” fruits. I know they are magical because one second Brad and Emily’s hair is dry, the next second it’s wet, and a minute later it’s dry again. Brad cries to the camera how in love with her he is, the two make out, and Emily looks hot.
Emily rocks the side bang braid once again at dinner. Although she could rock a paper bag too probably. Brad asks her if he’ll get to meet her daughter if he gives her a rose. Emily sighs deeply because she’s a good mom as well as a hot piece. She doesn’t introduce little Ricky to guys she’s dating but knows Brad will not purpose without meeting her. Brad “breaks the Bachelor rules” once again and tells Emily she’s going to get a rose. No doubt about it. He really means it. Truly. He keeps glancing nervously over his shoulder, expecting CH to show up with a rule book and a butter knife. No CH, but the ABC intern does show up to remind them to make out a bit in the water so they do.
2nd date: Shawntel- “Let’s Find Love on the Streets of Anguilla.” Shawntel too decides to rock the side bang braid for her date (although she can’t pull it off as well as Emily- duh!) and goes to meet Brad in the streets of Anguilla. No one told Shawntel not to wear a skirt because they’d be riding Greg Brady bikes around town but she’s a good sport and doesn’t say anything even when the cameraman gets a Brittney shot while she’s pedaling. They huff and puff around town before arriving at a flea market. Shawntel hears music playing and attempts to dance. Brad plays it smart and pretends not to notice. They become friends with the natives and play double dutch and dominos with a group of grown men.
Shawntel tells Brad she’s falling in love with him. He tells her that means a lot to him. Really it does. Thank you. Very much. But he is confused because he had such a great date with Emily. He decides he needs to measure his feelings. Who does that? And do you think he’s using a ruler?
They finish their dinner, it starts to rain, and they both act as if they’ve never seen rain before (let alone the monsoon from last week). They kiss in the “magical” rain before the most famous singers in the restaurant, if not the whole hotel, play a concert for them and the “extras” ABC paid to dance along. Then they slip away to make out in the water, per Brad’s rule book.
3rd date: “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” for Britt. At over 30 minutes into the episode, we finally get our first look at Crazy Michelle. She’s hoping Brad and Britt’s boat sinks. Because if she can’t have him, no one can!
Brad picks Britt up in a yacht. The rest of the date is so boring, I think I fell asleep for a bit.
Rapunzel lets her hair down for dinner. She’s a food writer but she’s so skinny I wonder if she ever actually eats. The two make small talk during dinner before Brad puts me out of my misery and tells Britt that even though she’s nice, she’s boring as hell and she’s going home. He is breaking all the rules tonight! He whistles for the dinghy and makes her paddle back to shore by herself. Best walk of shame ever!
4th date is for Ashley, Chantal, and Michelle- “Dawn of a new love.” Which means at 2:07 a.m., Brad “breaks in” to the ladies’ villa and wakes them up to start their group date. Nothing like letting girls only get two hours of sleep before filling them with alcohol and sending them on a group date to watch them all make out together.
They all get made up except Chantal. Ashley and Michelle look great with beautiful hair and makeup. Chantal looks like she just climbed out of the ocean after swimming for days. Somehow the photographer convinces Ashley to take off her top. They give her tiny sea shells to hide her breasts behind. They are actually hidden- bless her. Chantal is up next and she’s not into it. She’s feeling “fat” but it doesn’t stop her from whipping her top off the second the photographer suggests it. Michelle realizes she’s got the hottest body of the three but needs to do something bigger than take off her top so she ropes Brad into being in the picture with her. She straddles him and kisses him and Ashley and Chantal begin to melt down.
They wrap the photo shoot and head over to the pool for a pool party and some wacky green drinks. Each girl gets a little alone time with Brad before Brad finally gives the date rose to Ashley.
After the group date from hell, Brad really needs a therapy session with Dr. Jamie. Unfortunately, ABC couldn’t afford to fly fake therapists to Anguilla either so instead Brad finds the answers he’s looking for by staring at the pictures of the remaining girls. CH scares the shit out of him by sneaking up behind him and patting his back.
CH: “You wanted to see me? This better be important Womack. I’d like to get back to my room and continue practicing counting to 3 before the rose ceremony.”
Brad: “No, this is important. It’s really important. I mean that Chris. I really do. But can I be honest with you?”
CH: “Speed it up Brad. The ice cubes in my scotch are melting and I don’t like watered down drinks.”
Brad: “Ok, here it is. I don’t need a cocktail party tonight. I know who I want to send home. Truly. I really do. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you very much.”
Ashley already has a rose. The other three roses go to Emily, Shawntel, and Chantal. Joining Britt in the swim back to the states is Crazy Michelle. Right after she takes a little nap in the back seat of the reject limo that is.
So that’s where we are after 14 hours into this mess. Does Brad’s constant repeating of the last sentence he says bug anyone else? Does it bug anyone else? Does it bug you how Michelle constantly licks her lips? Do you think that girl needs some Chapstick? With Brad’s “Can-I-Be-Honest-With-You?” count for the week at an astonishing number 47, we head into the hometown dates. Who will get cut next?
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