Brad Episode 5 Recap

CH opens the show by asking the girls if they saw Brad on The Soup last Friday, where he actually showed he had a personality. He introduced the dates for the week, told the girls they were all leaving the mansion to go to Las Vegas, and to pack their shit.

The ABC intern shows he knows his geography and does a nice graphics demo for those who don’t with a map showing a plane flying from L.A. to Vegas. Then the producers give the cameramen a break and make the girls film their own trip.

Brad greets the girls at the Aria hotel and reads the que cards with the cheesy Vegas cliches on them about “gambling on love” and being in “Sin City.” He drops the date card on the table and makes like a baby and heads out.

As an aside... what’s up ABC? First you push CH out of doing the sit down with the bachelor and hire some hack psychologist/former 80s pop band singer instead? Now you’re making Brad deliver the date cards? We miss CH! Of course he was probably already three sheets to the wind and off with a hooker and a bottle of Jack. Afterall, this is Vegas baby! And everyone knows, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

First date goes to Shawntel- “Let’s End Tonight with a Bang.” I’m thinking either fireworks if she gets the rose or a gun to the head if he doesn’t want to give her the rose.

Brad picks up Shawntel (literally) for their date and carries her around like a baby at a mall for a shopping spree! Shawntel thanks Brad and pretends she believes it’s really his treat. They try on every ridiculous outfit before deciding on a nice Members Only jacket and what looked like a gray sheet wrapped around her to look like a dress.

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls sit around the hotel in tank tops and scarves, talking about Shawntel. She walks in with her 93 bags from shopping and Crazy Michelle’s ears start to steam. The girl we’ve never seen before gets mad too. Shawntel puts on her slut dress, Brad picks her up to continue their date, and takes her to.... wait for it... the roof! So original ABC!

Shawntel educates Brad and the viewing audience on embalming dead bodies. Brad laughs with her and seems normal. He gives her the date rose before the ABC intern signals to the producers to start the fireworks and put the gun away for later. I just hope they lock it up so Crazy Michelle doesn’t get her hands on it!

The second date is for Jackie, Emily, Michelle, Marissa, Lisa, Chantal, Alli, and Britt- “Let’s Go Speed Dating.” This means the dreaded two on one date goes to the 2 Ashleys.

The girls all pile into the limos that take them to the place where Mike Fliess sold his soul. Brad announces that it’s every guy’s dream to race NASCAR. I highly doubt this. And speaking of doubts, Britt and her clip on braid become nervous of driving a race car. But Emily is upset because her dead fiancee crashed his race car on this very track.

After driving race cars, Brad dons his rainbow on the butt shorts and takes the girls to a pool party. He pulls Emily aside once again. The rest of the girls don’t like that.

Michelle pulls Brad aside to talk.

Michelle: “Let's talk about these other girls.”

Brad: “I don’t want to talk about them.”

Michelle: “Yeah, me neither. Let’s kiss!”

They make out and then Brad gives the date rose to Emily. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! In your face, Crazy Michelle!

Third date is for Ashley H. and Ashley S.- “Come Swing With the King.” Brad takes them to an Elvis show. They all get to learn a part in the show with the possibility of preforming.

Meanwhile, Chantal and Shawntel discuss the endless possibilities of Brad and Ashleys’ date.

Chantal: “It could be Brad and Ashley S. It could be Brad and Ashely H. Or it could be Brad and no one! The possibilities are endless!” Or just three.

Then Chantal and Shawntel discuss whose name is dumber.

Back on the date, Brad goes to dinner with both girls before thanking them both profusely and giving the date rose to Ashley H.

Ashley S. cries. I can’t understand a word she is saying because she is crying so hard. I tell her I am not going to listen to her until she stops whining like I do with my 5 year old daughter. I also tell her to give the silly band she is wearing back to my 5 year old daughter. Then I fast forward.

After the date with both Ashleys, Brad realizes that the women are emotionally invested. He needs to talk to his therapist so he calls his Wild Wild West Jamie who basically tells Brad to stop worrying about the feelings of the women and to think only of himself. I miss CH’s wisdom. Where is he anyway?!!?

The Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party finally arrives and so does Brad with his canned speech about finding a wife and thanking everyone for everything. And he means it- thank you very much!

Brad pulls Alli aside to make her feel special with champagne and chocolate cake. She gets to take one sip before someone steals him away from her once again.

Then some girl I’ve never seen before gives Brad a note. I think it reads something like this: “Do you like me? Yes? No? Maybe? Check a box and return.” Brad checks “no” before Crazy Michelle pulls him aside, locks him in a bedroom, climbs on his lap, pulls out a knife, holds it to his neck, tells him not to talk, and makes him promise to give her a rose. After the ABC intern wipes Brad’s ass for him, he promises Crazy Michelle to obey her every command.

CH finally arrives, banging his scotch glass with Michelle’s knife.

Shawntel, Ashley H., and Emily already have roses. The rest of them go to Crazy Michelle, Alli, Britt and her awful hair extensions left over from Ali’s season, Jackie, and Chantal. Which means that joining Ashley S. in the limo to the airport are Marissa (he must not have liked her note with the month’s worth of “texts”) and Lisa.

So what did you think of this episode? Pretty predictable who was getting the boot. Any guesses on who will win it all? Any guesses as to where CH has been and why he isn’t on as much anymore? Until next week...