Welcome back to the most boring episode of the season! After ten minutes of previews for the night, we are treated to Crazy Michelle waking up with a black eye. She doesn’t know how it happened. I think the cameraman that was forced to record her every move got sick of her shit after two minutes and punched her to shut her up. It clearly didn’t work.
CH shows up in his Jonas Brothers plaid t-shirt and my Old Navy gray cardigan sweater to explain the dates for the week. Then he drops the date card on the coffee table and makes like a bird and flocks off.
1st date: “How Deep Is Your Love?” for Chantal. Brad picks her up in a “surprise” helicopter. ABC has never done that before! As soon as they are in the helicopter alone, Brad explains the date card of “How deep is your love?” Then he asks her to open her mouth so she can show him. Just kidding! They really switch helicopters and head to Catalina Island to go SCUBA diving. They take off their winter coats to put on wet suits and helmets that look strangely like the motorcycle helmet Jake wore. They climb down into 20 Thousand Leagues Under The Sea to get tangled up in some seaweed and “kiss” through their space helmets. I take a big gulp of my wine and wonder how I’m gonna get through the next 2 hours of this.
Chantal and Brad dry off and go to a tent on the beach where Brad pours some wine. I wish he could fill my wine glass again too. Then they lay down on the futon my parents had in their basement when I was in high school and discuss marriage. Chantal tells Brad she likes him a lot. Brad tells her he likes her a lot too. Chantal apologizes for fake slapping him the first night when she got out of the limo. Brad thanks her and gives her the date rose. It pours down rain on them while they make out.
2nd date: “Let’s Put Our Love On The Line” for Ashley S., Stacey, Lindsay, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Ashley H., and Jackie. The 453 girls climb into the biggest stretch Hummer ever for a group date. They are all wearing scarves that some company must have provided for them for product placement. That or the producers thought they might need them for a noose after being on the group date. They all toast each other with mimosas before the back stabbing starts and head off to meet Brad at Dr. Drew’s radio show for a little therapy they all desperately need. I wonder if Dr. Jamie is jealous that Brad is seeing someone else.
Dr. Drew gives all the girls some liquor to get them to open up. Stacey (who is she?) admits that in college, she cheated. Brad pretends that he is impressed with her honesty but really he’s making a mental note for CH to give her the boot at the next rose ceremony. Ashley H. admits that she feels herself pulling back because she doesn't know how Brad is feeling. He tells her not to do that because it will be the biggest regret. Even bigger than not picking the final two girls Brad? Some blond I’ve never seen before admits she has feelings for Brad. Brad admits he doesn’t know who she is either. I admit that although Brad is still hot, he’s awfully greasy looking on this date and that I’m getting bored. I hit fast forward and think about how great a DVR is!
After Dr. Drew’s show, Brad takes the girls to some roof top pool. Again. It must be really cold because Brad and some of the girls wear sweaters and scarves in the hot tub.
Stacey (who is she?) steals Brad away from the group while Ashley H. starts her race for crazy. Then Ashley S. steals Brad from Alli, Jackie steals him for Ashley. My head is spinning.
Britt gets some alone time with Brad and her heart shaped earrings and 1983 blush and tells him she has a crush on him. He thanks her and kisses her while Ashley H. stands in the shadows and watches while self destructing.
The date finally comes to an end and Brad gives the rose to the pool boy who made the hot tub make the strange gurgling noises. Then the producers allow Brad to give Britt a rose too.
3rd date: “Let’s Hang Out Together” for Crazy Michelle. Brad comes to pick her up for their date but first he pulls Ashley H. outside for some alone time. Crazy Michelle looks like she is about to kill someone until Brad comes back in and she yanks his arm out of the socket. A helicopter (really? again?) picks them up to drop them off on the top of a really tall building. Crazy Michelle obviously admitted her fear of heights in her interview to be on the show because the producers want these two to repel down the building. I still think Michelle is crazy but I do understand her fear. There is NO way I’d do that. She agrees to do it but I don’t think that was repelling. Looked to me like they sat in their harnesses while the 90 men on the roof slowly lowered them down. Once they get down, Brad jumps into the pool with all his clothes on and spends the rest of the date thanking Michelle for being there. She tells him being there is the best thing she’s ever done. Yeah, hope her daughter that she gave birth to doesn’t watch it. I guess if she does, Brad can always give her the name of his great therapist. Something tells me Michelle’s daughter is gonna need one no matter what. She gets the rose.
Before Brad can go into another rose ceremony, he needs another session with Dr. Jamie. The good doc comes over to Brad’s place and to tell him to go ahead and kiss all the girls. Then he starts to sing “King of Wishful Thinking.”
CH, needing to earn his paycheck now that Dr. Jamie is doing his job of having a sit-down with Brad, hoses off the driveway for the cocktail party. The girls sit around drinking while waiting for Brad to show up.
I’m so bored by this show by this point that this is what I wrote down for this segment:
*Brad pulls Emily outside for a “picnic” on the hard, wet driveway. All the other girls get immensely jealous.
*Chantal and her car door ears get especially jealous of the alone time he’s spending with Emily.
*CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom. Chantal, Britt, and Crazy Michelle already have roses. The other 39 roses of the night go to Ashley S., Alli, Emily, Shawntel, Lisa (?), Jackie, Marrisa (?), and Ashley H.
Lindsay leaves saying her daddy will be proud. Meghan and her curtain dress leave with class. Stacey realizes too late that she should have kept her mouth shut about cheating on her boyfriend.
And that’s where we are after 8 long hours of this season. Who will take the final rose? Who even cares at this point? As Brad would say, “Thank you very much for reading.” See ya next week!
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