Brad Episode 3 Recap

CH opens this episode of The Bachelor by inviting the 492 remaining girls to meet him in the living room of the mansion to discuss how he’s matched his eye, shirt, and wall color exactly. They also talk about how the “journey” is just going to get harder. He leaves the date card on the table and makes like a drum and beats it.

First date is for Ashley S. “Let’s Find Our Love Song.” Brad arrives to pick her up while Crazy Michelle starts boiling the water for the bunny. Brad and Ashley S. head to a recording studio wearing their church carnival bright green beer bracelets to record a Seal song. They screech their way through the song. I do what I always do when I’m really uncomfortable and take a big gulp of my Pino Grigo. Thankfully, before I get loaded, Seal shows up to show them how it’s done.

At this point in the show I start wondering when Brad became such a bore. I liked him better when he was leaving both girls at the Final Rose Ceremony alter. And I also decided this date needed more alcohol. I realize I can’t help poor boring Brad and Ashley S. out but I knew I had more wine in my fridge so off I went.

The pair goes up to the roof of some building for some wine and whine. They share their daddy issues with one another. The producers have given these girls great scripts to follow this season. And what an easy theme- tell Brad you have problems with your father and he will be butter in your hands.

Ashley S.: “My daddy sang that Seal song to me all the time when I was little. Then he died.”

Brad: “My daddy left me too. Bastards!”

Ashley S. (sobbing): “But my daddy died!”

Brad: “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I know you’re up set but I’m just gonna sit over here and not comfort or hug you while you sit alone over there and cry about your dead dad.” Smells rose like a creep and then gives it to her to get her to stop crying.

Next date card: “Love Hurts.” For: Lindsay, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H., Lisa, Stacey, Marrisa, and Crazy Michelle.

Crazy Michelle is mad that she has another group date. But it’s not even her birthday so what can she do about it? Oh that’s right! She can plot her evil revenge and plan how to kill off each of the other remaining 458 girls left. They all pile into the prison work van to go film a horror movie with Brad. All the girls pretend to be “scared” while Brad pretends to “act” and “fight” bad guys.

The girls all fantasize about kissing Brad. Except for Crazy Michelle. She fantasizes about killing the other girls and burying their bodies in the desert. I fantasized about this show going back to being only an hour.

The roof top party begins and Chantal, having just read the script from the producers, pulls Brad aside to tell him about her dad not being there for her. Brad starts to cry. Because his dad was never there for him either. Did you know?

Crazy Michelle steals Brad away from Alli to berate him for not paying enough attention to her. In the same breath, she talks about missing her daughter she left with a stranger for 6 weeks to come meet her husband. Talk about not paying enough attention to someone! Brad finally kisses her. He’s either really into nuts or he just wanted to shut her up!

Brad finally gives the date rose to Shawntel because she’s a good fake fighter while filming fake action movies.

Next date, “Love Is Intoxicating,” is for Emily. I’m guessing they are going to go get drunk. So basically it’s like every other date on this show ever.

Brad surprises Emily with a private airplane ride down memory lane to the day her fiancee and baby daddy died in a plane crash. He takes her to wine country in hopes of getting her liquored up enough to talk. Or at least put out.

Over dinner, Debbie Downer shares her tragic story that even made me cry! Maybe if she wasn’t so damn HOT I wouldn’t feel so bad. Brad is blown away. By both how hot she is and by her terribly sad and shocking story.

Brad: “Are you ok?”

Emily: “Um hmm. Are you?”

Brad: “Are you kidding me? I’m great! My fiancee didn’t die in a plane crash! Tell me more about your tragic past to make me leaving both Jenni and DeAnna without a rose last time pale in comparison. While you start, I’m gonna grab this rose to give you.”

Oh no! Brad is alone in his house and the therapist arrives for a date with Brad! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!! At first I thought Brad invited him there to introduce him to Emily who surely needs therapy after her tragic past. But instead we get to witness one of Brad’s sessions with the genius who cured him. The therapist defines words for Brad like “vulnerable” and “journey” and “douche bag.” I had to fast forward through the rest of this segment. It was just too uncomfortable to watch. I began to feel like I needed therapy. And who is this guy? Trying to take over CH’s job of having a sit-down with the bachelor before a cocktail party/rose ceremony. And wearing a bright blue shirt? Poser!

Finally the cocktail party arrives and so does Brad, fresh from his “therapy” session with gay Jamie. He’s ready to get rid of three women and narrow the playing field down to just 94 girls.

But first, Crazy Michelle steals Brad away from Chantal to tell him they’re in a fight. The voices in her head told her so. And because he kissed someone else. Apparently, she’s never watched The Bachelor before. For some reason (maybe because Brad’s crazy too or maybe because he’s afraid of being killed with the other 562 girls) he claims he likes this bat shit crazy girl.

Madison finds Brad to tell him that after hearing Emily’s sob story she’s realized that she needs to go back to Forks, Washington before the Volturi come for her. She can’t put Brad or the other girls at risk anymore. And she’s also just realized that Brad is neither a vampire nor a werewolf so she needs to go.

CH finally arrives with his plastic spoon and champagne glass of doom to save Brad from the room full of estrogen.

Ashley S., Shawntel, and Emily already have roses. Brad gives another one to Crazy Michelle and Chantal before Madison runs out of the room to suck the blood of the cameraman. Brad pretends to chase after her but really goes to find Jamie for another session. When he returns, he passes out the remaining 76 roses to Lisa (who is she? Have we heard her talk? Or seen her at all before?), Jackie, Ashley H., Marrisa, Britt, Alli, Lindsay, Meghan, and Stacey. So besides Madison, Kimberly and Sarah go home as well.

So that’s where we end up. Anyone else bothered by the fact that we are three weeks in and Brad still has more girls left than most bachelors start off with? Who is gonna win the race for crazy? Looks like Ashley H. is closing in on Crazy Michelle. What are your predictions?