Tonight’s show opens with Brad walking around barefoot in the grass, talking about how he’s a different person than he was three years ago. He can now even walk on sharp, painful rocks without shoes on due to intense therapy. It does “amazing” things!

CH gathers the 57 remaining girls in the living room of the mansion that has freshly painted bright blue walls. I guess the ABC intern had to put a fresh coat of paint on them after Dave and Natalie spent time alone in there with a bottle of Jack. CH tells the girls that not everyone will get a date each week and to use all time with Brad wisely. Show some leg. Show some cleavage. Slip him the tongue whenever possible. Then he slips the first date card on the table and makes like a tree and leaves as the girls all scream like they’ve never seen this show before and didn’t know it was coming.

1st Date: “The Road to Love Is A Wild Ride!” for Ashely H. She’s “amazed” that he picked her and she can’t wait to clean his teeth!

Brad picks H. up. She obviously forgot to pack clothes so the other girls have wrapped her in aluminum foil and tissue paper and tied a giant bow around her waist. Brad drives H. to a dirt road and stops the car to tell her the story of the kids who ran out of gas on that very road. The guy went to get some and when he was gone it started to rain really hard. The girl stayed in the car until morning when she got out and saw her boyfriend hanging dead from the tree about the car. It hadn’t rained after all- that was his blood pouring down on the car! Just kidding! That isn’t what really happened. It’s really a creepy carnival from the movie Big. They visit Zelda first and ask to be in a real relationship. The next morning Brad wakes up as Tom Hanks.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the girls’ slumber party in their panties is interrupted by the ABC intern delivering the next date card: “Let’s Share Something From the Heart.” This date is for Keltie, Shawntel, Madison, Melissa, Kimberly, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Meghan, Emily, Stacey, Alli, Chantal, Michelle, and Lisa. I’m pretty sure some of those girls were not even there the first night.

Back on the date, Brad and H. share some cotton candy in the photo booth before she scores the first kiss and the fact that Daddy was never there for her. Brad about creams himself upon hearing this news because guess what- his dad wasn’t ever there for him either! He gives H. the rose and they make out some more.

Date 2 begins and Melissa and her Tori Spelling boob job worry about finding a connection with Brad. The limo pulls up to a blood drive and Madison’s skin starts to sparkle as she drools with anticipation! Michelle and her dinner plate earrings is annoyed by the date and having to share Brad with 47 other girls. And it’s her BIRTHDAY! Her 30th b-day no less and she isn’t feeling special.

Continuing with the theme of Michelle being pissed about the date and having to share Brad on her b-day, she is T.O.ed that Britt gets to kiss Brad in a scripted scene the Red Cross put together and stomps off to sulk. Because it’s her birthday! She can cry if she wants to. No one notices she left. No one cares. But the ABC intern makes Brad go talk to her. He recognizes crazy when he sees it and is looking for a promotion! Brad tells Michelle to stop her crying because they’re going to go have some “clean fun without any kissing.” They all head up to the roof of the Roosevelt hotel for drinks and baths. You know, cause it’s “clean” fun.

The group date rose goes to Crazy Michelle (which she will now be called because she’s crazy!) because it’s her birthday. That and the fact that Brad is afraid of her killing him while he sleeps if he doesn't.

Back at the mansion, the 3rd date card arrives for Jackie: “Let’s Get Our Love on Track.” This means that Lindsay, Sarah, and Ashley S. do not get a date this week.

Jackie’s date arrives and Brad takes her to Rodeo Drive for the Pretty Woman date of the season. Jackie has her pick of about 50 beautiful dresses but she chooses the ugliest, most old fashioned one. Brad lies and tells her she’s beautiful and adorns her with jewels from Neil Lane so they can fulfill their sponsor contract. The pair hops in Brad’s mom’s Ford Taurus to drink champagne while she drives the two to senior prom at the Hollywood Bowl where Train is preforming. Man, that band has a thing with ABC reality shows! Brad gives Jackie the rose at the end of the date even though he feels she has commitment issues that scare him.

While all this was happening, Emily was back at the mansion pimping out her daughter on national TV to try to get a rose. She misses her daughter and loves her so much. In fact, she loves her so much she’s left her for weeks on end to go find a new daddy for her on a reality dating show. By the way, other than the fact that this girl is on this show, she seems so normal. She’s also freaking beautiful! Why can’t she find little Ricki a new Daddy like a normal person would? Or at least at the bar down the street from home?

The cocktail party before the rose ceremony finally arrives and it is a good thing. My DVR is caught up and I can’t handle not being able to fast forward. Two minutes into the party, Crazy Michelle with her rose steals Brad away to ask him if he prefers Starbucks or the Coffee Bean. I had to pause here to wonder what the Coffee Bean is and why we don’t have one in northwest Ohio. Brad had to pause to wonder why he gave her a rose and if he could take it back. One look from CH hiding in the shadows shaking his head no confirms to Brad that he is stuck with this lunatic one more week.

While Crazy Michelle is quizzing Brad on the contents of his fridge, Melissa and her hard-on for Raichel tracks Raichel down and starts another fight. Raichel tries to get the other girls on her side. They quickly realize they want no part of that sinking ship. Melissa and her Tori Spelling boobs start calling everyone a psycho. Except for Madison. She doesn't want her blood sucked so she kisses up to the vampire. Then she goes to find Brad and tattle to him. Brad looks so uncomfortable during their convo, like he’d rather be anywhere else. But because he’s a gentleman and ABC doesn’t want him to look like an ass again, they make him go talk to Raichel about it.

CH arrives to stir up the otherwise lame party with Ali and Roberto to help Brad figure out who is there for the right reasons and who is there to land the summer 2011 season of the Bachelorette role. Because you know- Ali is a great judge of character! Just look at how she thought Jake was great. Oh wait... Well how about Frank? Oh yeah, that didn’t work out so great either. Hmmm.... moving on!

By the way, it was nice to see that someone finally cut off Ali’s awful hair extensions. But why couldn’t the producers find a suit that fit poor Robby better than the tight one he wore to the final rose ceremony last season?

The pair talks to the girls and then Brad sits down with the fame seekers looking to extend their 15 minutes and decides to give the “Ali and Roberto like you” rose to Emily.

At last CH enters with his champagne glass of doom.

CH: “Ladies, Brad... it’s time for me to show off my counting skills. Brad, please come with me so we can make fun of the three girls you’re gonna eliminate.”

Brad reemerges from the chat with CH and makes a speech about feeling closer to these “amazing” women than he did with anyone after spending a month with them the last time he was on this show.

Ashely H., Crazy Michelle, Jackie, and Emily already have roses. The other 98 roses for the night go to Chantal, Sarah (who the hell is she?), Alli, Kimberly, Shawntel, Stacey, Ashley S., Madison, Lisa, Marissa, Meghan, Lindsay, and Britt. That means that going home is Keltie, Melissa, and Raichel who cries on the way out because her dress is too short and too tight and her boobs are about to pop out!

So that’s where we stand after week two of round two. What are your thoughts? Discuss in the comments section and I will be back next week!