Brad Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor opens with a new profile picture of a man standing on a beach alone. Foreshadowing? Immediately the camera cuts away to a shot of the mansion, freshly hosed down for the man himself: Chris Harrison!

CH: “Welcome to the most shocking season ever! Well except for last season. Oh yeah, and the one a few seasons before that.”

Then we hear Brad’s voice over while seeing footage of him sending both DeAnna and Jenny packing three years ago. According to Brad now (after years of intense therapy), he knew the minute he shut the limo door on DeAnna’a fat ass that he’s made a huge mistake. Even though two months after that at the filming of the After The Final Rose, Brad insisted he’d done the right thing. Then we see Brad sitting alone in his apartment, watching reruns on his VCR of the final episode from his first season and crying, all while wearing a leather bracelet I had when I was in 4th grade after returning from a family vacation to Hilton Head.

Wait a minute ABC! Where is the footage of hot Brad showering? Where is the footage of hot Brad running shirtless on a beach? Of him working out half naked? If I wanted to watch a guy cry alone in the rain I would have rented Sleepless In Seattle. Unfortunately, I have to sit through 25 more minutes of Brad crying while looking at ponds and leaning over balconies before we finally see the goods! Jogging shirtless! Playing with kids ABC paid to pretend to be his family. Swimming! Climbing a mountain confidently! Doing push-ups! Jumping rope! This is the Bachelor we all love! I was afraid for a minute that I’d accidentally DVRed a Pamprin commercial instead.

And now, after 45 minutes of Brad rehashing every therapy session, we finally get to meet some of the crazies!

Ashley H.- dentist/mouth artist. Seriously her words. She also calls herself a “dancer” which means she likes to whip her hair around half naked in her apartment. Crazy meter: 6.

Shawntel: funeral director who talks about dying with the bachelor before she’s even met him. Crazy meter: 7.

Ashley S.- sweet girl who’s ready for love. Any self-proclaimed sweet girl is usually a bitch. Or crazy. Or both. Crazy meter: 9.

Chantal: car salesman for her daddy. She’ll be selling a story to the bachelor that will go something like this “The other girls are not here for the right reasons. I get 20 miles to the gallon if you know what I mean.” Bitch meter: 8.

Michelle: single mom who asks her 3 year old to help her find a new daddy. Crazy meter: 6- she’ll be gone by the end of episode 2.

Raichel: man-scaper. That alone screams crazy! Oh yeah and she has huge boobs!

Meghan: “works in fashion”= sales girl at retail store for minimum wage at the mall.

Madison: model/vampire. Crazy meter: off the freaking charts! By the way, is she wearing fangs?!?

Emily: married Ricky at age 19 and they loved each other till the day he died in a tragic plane crash. Two days later, she found out she was pregnant. She’s still in love with her dead husband. She will go far but she won’t win it.

Chris Harrison comes back to tell us these women have no clue that Brad is the Bachelor.

CH: “I know you already know this because they keep saying things like ‘mystery bachelor’ and ‘I don’t know who it is!’ That is thanks to our trusty ABC intern and his handy dandy scripts he’s provided for the girls that know how to read. Let’s see what happens when the girls find out it’s Brad! But before then, I want to sit down with the man himself to have a chat. I want to practice my acting skills so let’s see if you think I still hate this guy like the last time ABC made me talk to him at the After the Final Rose ceremony three years ago.”

Brad and Ch sit down. Brad blames his dad for everything. CH pretends to listen. I pretend to care.

The ABC intern parades in DeAnna and Jenny. Brad craps his pants.

Jenny: “Chris, why are we here again? I’m married. I don’t care anymore.”

DeAnna: “Yeah, me too. It’s obvious I don’t care by the 20 pounds I’ve gained in the last 3 years. And where is the free booze we were promised? I remember there being a lot more alcohol in this mansion! And I said I’d only do this if you paid for my wedding to Stagliono. Are you guys still gonna do that? I want it aired on prime time too!”

CH: “Girls, just sit there with your legs crossed. If it helps you feel better about yourself, put your left hand with the giant bling on your knee so everyone knows you’re now taken. And intern, bring some Ketel One for everyone. I could sure use a stiff one myself. We’re only 25 minutes into the first episode for pete’s sake! Better make mine a double.”

These four rehash the season from three years ago. It’s hard for me to listen. Why does anyone care about how Jenny and DeAnna feel about Brad being the bachelor again? I fast forward...

The limos are finally arriving! I’ve lost so much interest so here are my thoughts on only the memorable ones:

Chantal: slaps Brad.

Nanny Ashley: grabs Brad’s butt

Meghan: forgot to wear pants but did remember to put on her ugly hooker shoes

Melissa: has a Tori Spelling boob job

Britnee: made Brad open the limo door for her intead of letting Julio earn his paycheck

Stacy: doesn’t know who Brad is. And is a liar. No one goes on this show without having watched it before.

Brad greets all the girls and then follows them into the mansion to get to know them all better. The girls all cat call and clap when he enters. They continue to hike up their strapless dresses. And we hear for the 20th time how Brad has spent the last three years in therapy. Then he mentions Tenely’s ex husband and Chris L.’s mom who died in a rainbow. He finally ends his speech by begging some of the lunatics to leave. No one does so he breaks out the booze and declares it a party!

All the girls grill Brad about his true intentions and what he’s been doing for the last 3 years.

Brad: “I’ve been in therapy. Didn’t you hear me say it 50 times already? I was afraid to commit because of my dad but now I’m ready to get married.”

Ok ABC intern- time to give the girls a new script. This story line is getting old. Let’s have one of the girls sleep with a cameraman or something! At least that story was fun!

Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose about half way through the night. Which strikes me as funny since that really isn’t what a first impression is. Then he sneaks back upstairs with one of the sluttier girls and a bottle of scotch.

Raichel tries to wax Brad’s arms. Renee keeps trying (unsuccessfully) to steal Brad away from any girl he is talking to. The vampire sits with Brad and scares the hell out of him before trying to suck his blood. Brad asks her if she is wearing fangs. It was probably the blood dripping off them and the worn paperback copy of “Twilight” sticking out of the back of her dress that gave her away.

Finally, after 20 impressions, Brad gives away the first impression rose to Ashley S. And that allows Chris Harrison to come back banging his champagne glass of doom.

Brad passes out the remaining 19 roses to Michelle, Kimberly, Madison, Emily, Raichel, Keltie, Ashley H., Meghan, Lisa M., Lindsay, Alli, Sarah P., Marissa, Britt, Stacey, Shawntel, Jackie, Melissa, and after Chris Harrison interupts to show off his mad counting skills, Chantal.

So that’s where we stand after week one of Brad Round 2. Nothing too exciting happened yet. But the previews promise us a season of crazy so I’m sticking around! Until next week...