Ashley Episode 7 Recap

Ashley welcomes us to the show wearing a Mexican inspired skirt and welcoming us to the “hidden jewel of Asia”, Taiwan. When I was little, dolls often came with tags with their name on it. I got a doll for my 3rd birthday with a tag that said, “Made in Taiwan.” Even though my parents swore that wasn’t her name, that’s what I called the doll. Come to think of it, that doll looked exactly like Ashley!

The six remaining men use flip-cams to record their journey from Hong Kong to Taiwan. The money ABC saved by not having actual cameramen go along allowed them to pay the ABC intern who majored in geography and graphic design to once again show us a cartoon airplane flying across a cartoon map from Hong Kong to Taiwan. The guys check in to their Taiwanese hotel to be welcomed by CH. His shirt is the exact piercing blue color as his eyes. He tells them from a mile away (why was he standing so far away?) that hometowns are coming up as if no one knows the format of the show. I think he also mumbles something about them all being so dull that this week’s episode will be cut short for him to have a visit with everyone’s real first choice for the bachelorette, Emily. I definitely hear Ashley crying tears of low self esteem. CH drops the first date card and makes like a Catholic and pulls out.

1st Date: “Let your love light shine.” Constantine

Ashley picks him up for their date wearing her new favorite jeggings, high heels, and a backless tank top. She hands him a train ticket and pushes him onto a busy subway station platform to “take him out of town.” I’m slightly confused... isn’t that why they are in Taiwan? Isn’t that “out of town” enough? They head to a tiny village for a lantern festival. They each paint their wishes on a paper lantern. Rumor has it, after they set the lanterns free, their wishes come true.

Over dinner, Ashley asks Constantine if he’s waiting till the hometown dates to fall in love. He tells her he’s waiting till he feels it. Where did he come from? I think this guy’s the smartest bachelor ever! He asks her why she’s attracted to him. She gushes about how he’s exactly what she’s always looked for in the looks department. Apparently she likes guys who look exactly like Josh Groban. You can tell she’s way more into him than he is to her. They finish eating and set their wish lantern into the night before making out under all the lanterns. All I could think of was the movie Tangled and got to thinking that Ashley could grow her hair out a little more and look just like Repunzal. Throw down your hair!

2nd Date: “Let’s spend a ‘gorges’ day together in Taiwan.” Ben

Ames reads the date card aloud to the guys when it arrives. He points out that Ashley doesn’t know how to spell “gorgeous.” I think the ABC intern is getting a pay cut for not spell checking better!

Ashley continues the trend of not wearing a bra on her dates as she meets Constantine’s twin to explore the park on a moped. Ben clearly ignores the “one way” arrow on the street and drives head on into traffic. I thought he was trying to put them both out of their misery but unfortunately, the wine maker is really just that dumb. He sweet talks Ashley the whole ride and she eats it up with a spoon! Ben then informs the camera with the straightest, most dead-pan face that he’s “genuinely happy.”

For the night portion of their date, Ashley wears a bright green one shoulder tank and black mini skirt/tu-tu. Her hair is in a 1980’s side pony and her heels are 5 inches. They talk about hometown dates per her contract agreement on all the dates this week. Ben tells her his feelings for her are growing. I’m sure that’s not the only thing of his that’s growing. They kiss next to a huge pool. I silently hoped he’s throw her in. No such luck...

3rd Date: “I’m grooming you for the big day.” Lucas, Ames, and JP

Ashley takes the boys to have wedding photos taken. Somehow, to Ashley, this translates to letting her know what it’d be like to be married to each of them. But first she dresses them up in dorky tuxes and Asian attire while she dons a super padded bra (did you see how big her boobs looked?!?) and a kimono before humiliating them further by having them pretend to take wedding pictures with her. I’m betting none of these guys (ok, maybe Ames), like most males, even cares about real wedding pictures. But they are all good sports and play along with Ashley’s delusional fantasy.

For the night part of the group date, Ashley wears her new signature color of green in a mini dress. She grills Lucas about his ex and getting married again before dancing with him to no music. Then Ames shares embarrassing childhood pictures of himself with her. Oh yeah, and he’s wearing pink pants. Pink pants!!!! JP admits he’s feeling jealous. He bitches about the nature of the show; she reassures him by giving him the date rose.

4th Date: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei.” Ryan

Ashley greets Ryan wearing a backward cape blouse that is open in the back. Once again, she foregoes the bra. I guess they are optional in Taiwan. They walk thru an outdoor temple where hundreds of locals are praying. I’m sure ABC insulted thousands of Asians by being there. Ryan babbles on throughout their whole date. He’s so busy talking about everything and nothing that he doesn’t even notice Ashley’s negative body language. Their conversation goes a little like this:

Ryan: “Ok, so this is a weird, loaded question...”

Ashley: “Are you going to ask me if I slept with the other guys yet? It was only Bentley and I’m so over him now so it doesn’t count.”

Ryan: “No....”

Ashley: “Oh it must be why I don’t wear bras anymore then. The ABC intern lost my bra suitcase on the trip from Hong Kong to Taiwan. I will wear a bra when I meet the parents. Well, not your parents, but everyone else’s rents.”

Ryan: “Actually, I was gonna ask you what you do for the environment.”

Ashley: “Oh that! That’s easy. Everyone always talks about being ‘green’ now so I bought all these cool new shirts and dresses in green and that’s my new favorite color!”

Ryan: “I meant do you recycle?”

Ashley: “Well I do now! I was dating this guy once and he dumped me because I threw away a plastic bottle. I vowed never to do that again.”

Then Ryan tries to sell her one of his environmentally friendly water heaters. He drones on and on boring everyone. Ashley finally pulls the plug and puts us all out of our misery by sending him packing. Oh Ryan, you should have tried selling yourself buddy, instead of a green water heater. Since the reject van wasn’t on stand-by, Ryan walks aimlessly around the city, hiding behind bushes to curse, cry, and have his panic attack. Ashley meanwhile feeds some ducks and tries to keep her backward cape shirt from blowing in the win and revealing her braless chest.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley sits down with CH and announces she doesn’t need a cocktail party. She already knows who else she’s sending home. CH informs the guys and goes off to his corner to practice counting to three. JP already has a rose. The other three go to Constantine, Ben, and Ames. Which means Lucas is joining Ryan in the reject taxi back to the airport. Maybe Ryan will have better luck selling his shit to Lucas?

So that’s where we end the week (sorry, I could not possibly recap that painful chat between Emily and CH. After CH was gesturing and Emily thought he was reaching for her hand, I was almost too embarrassed to even watch!). So what do you think? How many times did Ashley pronounce “perfect” as “parfact”? Does JP only own one pair of brown shoes that he wears with every suit, regardless of suit color? Does he own a tie? Does Ashley own a bra? Does she even need one? Who else thinks CH is about to throttle her? Who else wants to throttle her? Comment below and I’ll see you next week!