CH welcomes us back to another episode of the Bachelorette by telling the boys to join him at the mansion where he recaps how the dates go on this show for 102nd time. He doesn’t drop the first date card on the coffee table though! Instead, he tells the guys they are going to Phuket, Thailand. I mumble “Oh Phuck-it” as I watch the guys scramble to pack and squeal like girls to travel around the world to see the girl who is still obviously in love with Dexter.
The ABC intern gets to show off his mad graphic designer and geography skills with the cartoon airplane flying from LA to Phuket. I once again mumble “Oh Phuck-it” as I watch the fools flip-cam video each other in the airport and on the plane as Ashley brags about whoring it up with 12 guys to a mortified and confused Thai travel agent.
The guys finally arrive at the villa to see that CH has already dropped the 1st date card on the coffee table before making like a bread truck and hauling buns to the closest Thai strip club and bar where he is already boozing it up with the locals without even having to put in any face time with the camera. Man, I want his job!
1st Date: Constantine “Let’s C Phuket together”
Constantine gets ready for the date by putting on his t-shirt that says “I’m Constantine, NOT Constantine’s twin that makes wine” to help Ashly out on the date. Then he goes to meet Ashley under a huge umbrella that proves to be a theme for the whole episode. The two are supposed to take a boat ride but the light drizzle and tiny waves makes the captain call it off. He tells them in sign language that it’s too dangerous to sail because of the weather. After making fun of him for not being able to speak English, Constantine and Ashley decide to shop at the local flea market instead, where they make fun of more locals together. They find a local business man and decide to harass him on camera. Unfortunately, neither Constantine nor Ashley speaks Thai. So they find a local who speaks English to help translate. Thru sub-titles, we learn the convo goes like this:
Constantine: “I see he has a wedding ring on. Ask him how long he’s been married.”
English Speaking Local: “These fools want to know how long you’ve been married.”
Businessman: “Tell them 100 years. And to get this camera out of my face.”
English Speaking Local to Constantine and Ashley: “Um 36 years?”
Ashley: “What’s his secret?”
English Speaking Local “They want to know your secret.”
Businessman: “Tell them I didn’t go on a trashy reality TV show to find my wife.”
That satisfies Ashley and Constantine and after the cameraman tells them they have enough footage of the two of them on the day part of their date, he releases them to go drink some beers and talk about “not winning” (they obviously didn’t listen to Charlie Sheen). Then they run through the rain to a wicker hut for dinner. They talk about how they both like each other but are afraid of getting hurt before they kiss and Ashley gives him the rose.
2nd Date: Constantine’s twin, JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas (who?), William, and Ryan “Let’s Make the World a Better Place”
Ashley picks up the guys in the pouring rain holding the same damn blue umbrella and takes them to an orphanage for kids who lost their parents in the ’06 tsunami. She wastes no time in putting the guys to work. They all pretend that 1.) this date was Ashley’s idea and 2.) that they want to paint on a date with 9 other guys. In the pouring rain no less.
Ryan bugs everyone by bossing everyone around. They’ve been in the orphanage for 5 hours but I’ve yet to see a single kid. Ashley is more concerned that she’s yet to see a single guy flirt with her though. Thankfully, before we can witness another self-esteem meltdown over not being Chantal nor Emily, Ashley takes the guys to an after party. She pulls Constantine’s twin aside first to tell him that she had fun with him last night on their one on one date and is impressed with his elephant drawing/painting skills. He pretends he is in fact Constantine and kisses her.
Meanwhile, the guys all bitch about Ryan while Ashley pulls him aside for some alone time. He lies and tells her he’s a “guy’s guy” and she eats it up!
Then she pulls JP aside to sit in a mud puddle and make out in the rain. She makes him carry her back which makes the other guys upset and jealous.
Ashley finally picks up the date rose to pass out before Ryan once again steals her away to beg for the rose. He tells her he’d like more time to talk to her but too bad for Ry-Ry. The date rose goes to Constantine’s twin.
3rd Date: Ames “It’s More Romantic In the Rain”
Ashley meets Harry Connick Jr. in the rain. They hop on a boat to have the date she was supposed to have with Constantine. Ames tells her all the things he’s done in his life. I would list them all here but it would be easier to list the things he hasn’t done: sky dive, date women, and make a girl “satisfied.”
The two climb onto a “banana” and row into a cave. They talk about how it is “mysterious” and so beautiful, Ames can’t even talk to Ashley. They finally row to a little beach and eat snowcones? Huge sushi rolls? Ice cream with sprinkles? What the hell was that? Ashley tells him she wants someone “devoted” as a partner. When pushed, she can’t really tell him what that means.
The night part of the date involves Ashley wearing an 80’s purple shirt and a super short cut off jeans skirt. Ames coordinates his shirt color to match Ashley’s outfit. The two eat dinner as Ashley insults his nerdiness. Ashley realizes that she would not have noticed Ames if Bentley had still been around and she’s impressed with him. She gives him the date rose. But there was no kiss!
Rose Ceremony
Ashley arrives wearing a disco party costume to welcome the guys to the cocktail party. I notice her bangs are starting to grow out and wonder if that’s intentional or if she just hasn’t had time for a good trim.
She pulls West aside first to question him on his wife’s death. But instead of asking him point blank if he killed her or not, she chooses to question if he is ready to love again after her passing. He promises her that he is ready but Ashley is not buying it.
Next she pulls Lucas (who?) aside to ask about his divorce. I didn’t even know this guy was on the show before let alone that he was divorced. He talks and talks but I don’t even know what he’s saying because I’m truly trying to figure out who this is and where he came from.
Blake and Ryan share a homoerotic moment on the couch while Blake tells Ryan that everyone hates him. Ryan is shocked! Why shouldn’t everyone love him? There are soldiers fighting over seas. Doesn’t that translate to everyone loving Ryan? Well it should damn it!
Finally CH arrives, banging his champagne glass of doom. The producers decide that he needs to earn his paycheck, so they make him sit down with Ashley to hash out her feelings.
CH: “So how are you doing Ashley? Get over that douchebag, Bentley, yet?”
Ashley: “I loved this week! I had two great one on one dates and an amazing group date. But I also am still in love with Bentley. I have women’s intuition. I know this is not over. Remember Chris, he said ‘dot, dot, dot.’”
CH: “So where is your head at? Where is your heart at? Do you care that I end all my sentences in a preposition?”
Ashley: “If you are going to break the grammar rules Chris, can I break some rules too? I want to give an extra rose and only send one guy home this week.”
CH: “There are no rules Ashley. Just let me know if I need to practice counting to 7 or 8.”
Ashley decides on 8 and CH goes off to practice before lining the men up for another rose ceremony.
Ames, Ben F., and Constantine already have roses. The rest go to Lucas (seriously, who?), Ryan, JP, Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, and Ben C. Which means that West is getting a free van ride to the airport. Say hello to your dead wife’s parents for me West!
So that’s it. What do you think? Did Ashley make the right decision to send West home? Do you think things with Bentley are over or is there more to the dot, dot, dot? Discuss in the comments and check back next week to see if CH actually puts in face time or phones it in once again!
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