Tonight’s show opens with flashbacks of Ronald McDonald complimenting Ashley by saying things like:
“I’m definitely done on the Ashley front.”
And:
“Things could have turned out differently if the bachelorette was Emily.”
Before reliving Ashley talking to her purple comforter, we also hear Ashley’s voice over saying that Shanghai is the perfect place to fall in love even though she said last week that Phuket was the perfect place to fall in love. I’m guessing it didn’t happen for her in Phuket so she’s hoping for better luck in a different part of Asia.
CH doesn’t even put in any face time as we see the remaining men board a Thai Greyhound bus as the ABC intern puts his mad graphic/geography skills to used once again to show a cartoon airplane flying across a cartoon map from Phuket to Chiang Mai. As I watch this unfold, the only thing going through my mind is “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map. I’m the map! Where do we need to go to help Ashley find love?” (Pause) “That’s right! First to Phuket’s airport. Next to Chiang Mai where we need to defeat the evil douchebag Bentley, before arriving at the final rose ceremony!”
Ames sums up Chiang Mai best by describing it as a city with beautiful monks wearing nothing but salmon colored silk robes. What better city to fall in love in? For a gay guy...
The guys finally arrive to be greeted by CH wearing all beige linen. He welcomes them to their private villa as if he owned the place (maybe he does?). He tells them to explore before dropping the first date card and making like an airplane and taking off for the nearest Chiang Mai strip club.
First date: Ben F. “Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai.”
Ashley picks him up in a crazy scooter/taxi where they ride around the city before ending up in another Thailand flea market. They harass some Chiang Mai locals like she did with his twin in Phuket before painting some paper umbrellas together. Ashley is worried it is going to rain the whole time they are in Chiang Mai like it did the whole time they were in Phuket and she forgot to pack her umbrella.
The night portion of the date takes place in the middle of an alien crop circle where the ABC intern has set up a nice picnic. Ben F. talks about how his bestie from middle school and him always said they wanted to learn how to make wine. It started out in high school as an easy way to get drunk and ended up being a reality in college as a way to get laid.
Ben F. drops the “my dad just died” card on Ashley. She looks to the sky to see if their is a rainbow and the ABC intern quickly runs up to her and whispers in her ear that Cape Cod Chris is now engaged to that slightly odd sounding Peyton chic from Andy Baldwin’s season and to move on. ABC has already milked that storyline to death. So instead Ashley plays with her braided rope bracelet that she obviously stole from me in Hilton Head 27 years ago. She gives him the rose and he accepts before they watch a weird Asian belly dancer show while kissing.
Seond date: Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas (who?), Ryan, JP, and Mickey
Ashley takes another opportunity to show off her great abs and tiny sports bra by taking the boys to learn how to Thai box. The guys all take off their shirts to show off their great abs and I shove another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth thinking that I will start to make my abs great tomorrow. After taping up their hands, they all start punching the shit out of little Thai boys. Ames thinks these boys there for a different reason but Ashley is too busy noticing all the nice abs to realize that Ames is more interested in the locals than her. Then the men all have to pick a color of a boxing uniform to “fight” in. Ames picks pink. They pile into the back of a pickup truck and get carted off to an illegal boxing ring. The guys all pretend that 1.) they know what Thai boxing is and 2.) they’ve seen it on TV. They hop in a ring and box just the way we do here in America.
Blake vs. Lucas: win goes to Blake.
Mickey vs. JP: win goes to JP.
Ames vs. Ryan: win goes to Ryan.
Constantine vs. Nick: win goes to Ben F.’s twin.
But Ashley doesn’t even stick around to watch the last fight because she knows Ames isn’t right. She’s a dentist (kinda) afterall- she’s like practically a doctor!
While Ames’s hot pink wrapped pedicured feet are being wheeled down a Thai hospital hallway, Ashley is busy getting ready for the night part of her group date. She puts on a super short kool-lot unitard and does a side braid with her hair. I was hoping she’d rock the side bang braid but Michelle Money couldn’t fly all the way to Chiang Mai to do it for her.
Ashley pulls Ryan aside first to ask him why he beat up Ames. He points out that he has a bruise on his eye. Then Ames finally arrives at the party after the doctors fixed his broken finger nail. He’s traded in his hot pink shorts for some tight, white pants and deck shoes.
Ashley immediately pulls Ames aside for some one on one time. She has instructions from CH and the ABC legal team to make sure he isn’t going to sue. He assures her he is not suing but tells her he has a concussion, he’s mildly (or was it wildly?) in love, and that she is wearing way too much eye shadow.
The rest of the date is pretty boring. Lucas feels her butt up while she begs for some attention asks for a golf lesson. But the date rose goes to Blake.
Third Date: “Guide Me to Love” William and Ben C.
The three go to some Tom Sawyer raft. Ashley makes the boys do all the work and row her lazy ass down the river while she sits there like a queen. They finally arrive at a picnic. The first alone time goes to William who immediately throws Ben C. under the bus by telling Ashley that he wants to go home to dating web sites. Ashley goes into her self destructive low self-esteem mode and questions the ABC intern if he knows if the guys are all there for the “right reasons” or not.
Ashley: “Are you sure they all like me?!?!?”
ABC intern: “Sure, whatever. Can I go back with CH at the strip club now?”
Ashley: “No! I need to make sure they’re not disappointed that I’m not Emily. Can you help me out? Maybe sneak into their rooms and read their diaries for me?”
ABC intern: “Look, I didn’t blab to you when Bentley said he’d rather date a piece of lint than you. I obviously can’t share. Please let me get back to CH and my vodka tonic!”
So instead, Ashley decides to trust William and sends Ben C. home on the reject raft without even talking to him about William’s accusations. This time some Thai men have to paddle his ass across the water. He contemplates that it’s too bad that his flash mob partner doesn’t feel the same way about him that he feels about her. But we don’t hear all he’s saying because he’s too busy typing his match.com profile on his iphone while William and Ashley ride around on elephants and a “navigator” grabs Ben C.’s bags from the men’s villa.
For the night portion of their date, Ashley wears her red and black zebra dress and takes William to an outdoor picnic which appears to be back at the Bachelor villa in LA. Ashley realizes that even though she enjoyed their first date, the spark with William is gone. So he doesn't get the rose either. But he too gets a free van ride back to the airport and the U.S. of A. Then Ashley picks up the date rose and throws it into the fire. I hoped her insecurities would get burned up too but no such luck.
Rose Ceremony:
Ashley’s head is not in the right place. Probably because of that crazy tight high pony and smokey eye shadow. Or maybe because all the guys are losers and don’t really like her. After all, she’s not Emily. She’s also still in love with Bentley and can’t get him out of her mind.
Finally CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom to whisk Ashley away to have a sit down.
CH: “Ok, sit down and tell me what you are feeling. You over that A-hole yet?”
Ashley: “I can’t get Bentley out of my mind.”
CH: “Him? Again? Seriously? Still?”
Ashley: “He said ‘dot, dot, dot’ Chris! There was no period!”
CH: “Look, do I need to make a phone call or what? Quit your whining and let me know. I’ve never worked so hard for my paycheck as I am with you!”
Ashley: “You can do that Chris? Really?”
CH: “Have you seen my eyes Ashley? They are magic. Now tell me what to do. The ice in my scotch is melting.”
Ashley: “Get that ABC intern on the phone Chris. Tell him to call up Ronald McDonald and find out if his daughter is really named Cozy or what!”
In the meantime, Ashley goes to pass out some more roses. Blake and Ben F. already have roses. The rest go to:
Constantine
Lucas (again, who?)
JP
Ames
Mickey
Ryan
Going home in the reject van with Ben C. and William is Nick. The three of them practice their flash mob dance they will perform at the Men Tell All special.
So that’s where we end week 5. Anyone else think Bentley was coming back tonight and watched just to see his ugly mug bash her ugly mug? Oh well... gives me an excuse to watch next week. See you then!
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