Ali Episode 6 recap

Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the word “magical.”


Show opens with Ali walking around Turkey looking pensive, wondering when the intern is going to bring her her first drink.


CH welcomes the 7 remaining men to Istanbul wearing his wife’s hot pink v-neck sweater set and high heeled black boots. The guys all have trucker hats on and look tired and jet-lagged.


The men go to their room and CH sneaks off to Ali’s hotel suite because he knows she’ll have some alcohol. That and to tell her not to be so sure that nothing could go wrong and to stop putting on her perfume- things are about to change! Dum-dum dum…


CH: “Ali, you remember Jesse from last season right? She’s the one who made up the story about Roz and the producer doing the nasty on the stairs in the mansion? Well she apparently found out something about one of these guys too. She’s a wealth of knowledge actually. I think she works for the CIA now. Anywho, she wants you to call her on this secure line. I know the phone is from 1974 but I promise you it’s safe. I’ll just go sit on this couch and look uncomfortable.”


CH dials Jesse’s secret number and Ali breaks out in a sweat. The phone rings 20 times before Jesse answers to tell Ali that Justin has a girlfriend who is with Jesse right then! Ali tries to work up some tears for the camera but really she’s just relieved it’s not Roberto.


Ali: “Whew! That guy was going home this week anyway. Thanks Justin’s girlfriend (who is still crying on the phone to Ali about how he two timed her as well). Maybe the ABC psychotherapist can finish this conversation with you but I’ve got to go talk to Chris Harrison about this now. Bye!”


Ali is pissed! And she’s such a bad ass that she’s not going to let Justin get away with this. She’s going to confront him herself. With the help of CH and the whole production crew of course.


Ali marches down to the guys’ room and sits them all down and calls Justin out. He gets up and walks away without a word. Ali chases him thru the hotel (after getting a reassuring hug from Roberto of course) but even though Justin still has a hurt foot, Ali can’t catch him. Justin wins this game of tag.


The guys are all mad too and stay in the room to bash Justin. Why didn’t any of them get up and beat his ass? Seems to me she would have liked that and probably given that guy the date rose. No?


Ali chases Justin all over the hotel grounds, begging him to talk to her. He continues to run from her as she repeatedly calls after him that he’s going to regret this. Finally Justin comes back to “explain” to Ali what happened. His best defense is that he’s sorry. Which is actually better than I thought he’d do.


Ali is still pissed and tells us this was her fear all along. But I can’t really figure it out because she never really appeared to care about Justin anyway.


As the camera shows Justin limping back to the airport, the ABC intern plays the saved voice mail messages from Justin to his girlfriend while we’re treated to some swangy Turkish guitar music.


It is now 30 minutes into the show and finally the first date card arrives! “Let’s Get Steamy!” for Ty.


Ali runs through the park and the pigeons scatter a la Elaine Benes. She’s ready to move on and focus on Ty. Ty shows up wearing a tiki necklace he borrowed from Bobby Brady after their trip to Hawaii and the two walk hand in hand around the city to buy cheap cheesy tourist t-shirts.


Ali and Ty go to an old bathhouse and sit around wrapped in picnic tablecloths. Then they start rubbing lotion on each other. Both look so hot and uncomfortable. When Ty goes in for the kiss, Ali turns her cheek.


Back in the bachelor suite, the next date card comes: “Love Conquers” is a group date for Chris, Roberto, Kirk, and Craig which means that Frank gets the one on one date.


Back on the date, Ty’s voiceover tells us the chemistry was there between him and Ali on their date as the camera shows us Ty leaning in to finally kiss her while she clutches her knees to her chest and looks so uncomfortable. Ty is in love and planning their honeymoon back in Turkey.


Over dinner and drinks, Ali questions Ty about his divorce. I couldn’t quite make out what the reason was. Did the ex wife want to work and Ty thought she needed to stay home and cook and clean? Or did she want to be a Dottie-Domestic and he thought she needed a job? Very confusing. But Ali has consumed enough wine by this point that she no longer really cares. She gives Ty the rose and they kiss. Then they go outside and dance on the street to street musicians. They are so bad they make Kate Gosslin look good.


The group date begins with the four guys walking down the street, looking for Ali. She’s up in a castle. After being spotted, she throws down her hair extensions for the guys to climb up. Ali is chugging a huge beer even though it’s only 8:00 a.m. She tells them there will be no rose on the date but they will need to olive oil wrestle for some special alone time with her.


All four of Ali’s guys got their asses kicked by the Turkish wrestlers. Then they have to wrestle each other. First up is Craig vs. Chris. Craig wins. Kirk and Roberto fight and Roberto wins. Then Craig beats Roberto in a strange twist of salad dressing wrestling. He gets the alone time with Ali.


Ali wipes away tears and sniffles that she really wanted Roberto to win. Afterall, that’s why she make up the silly oil wrestling anyway- she thought for sure Craig couldn’t possibly win that one! But she sucks it up and gets on the boat with him to start sucking down more alcohol.


The last date is a one on one with Frank. He shows up wearing the weatherman’s Members’ Only jacket whining about his insecurities with Ali before they go to a Turkish flea market and laugh at the natives.


Ali and Frank go down into the sewers to have dinner. Ali describes this place as being “magical.” Just like the castle where she had drinks with Craig and the bathhouse she went to with Ty and the spa she went to in Iceland and just about everything else she needs an adjective for. They wade through ice cold water to get to the bottle of champagne and huge plate of bread and rolls.


Frank tells Ali that he only wants to be married once. They all say this every season and it always cracks me up! Who says, “Ya know what? My goal is to get married, have it go horribly wrong, get a divorce, and get married twice baby! Second time’s a charm!” DUH!


Maybe it’s the sewer gas she’s been breathing in or maybe it’s because she’s consumed a whole bottle of champagne but either way, she’s smitten with Frank’s “I’m only getting married once speech” and gives him the rose.


The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party arrives and so does Chris L. wearing sneakers with his suit. Ali sneaks into the room of pictures without CH and looks at the frames. CH catches her in there and she tells him the most shocking thing all season- she wants to skip the cocktail party and go right to the rose ceremony.
CH: “Just so we’re clear Ali, if you skip the cocktail party you’re also skipping the cocktails. That means no alcohol. You understand that, right?”
Ali: “Oh yeah, I’m good with that. I’ve been drinking since noon. Just like every other day we’ve been filming. I’m good.”
CH: “Ok, then I’ll go tell the guys that Craig is going home. Come join us to tell him goodbye when you’re ready.”


Ty and Frank already have roses. The rest go to Roberto, Chris, and Kirk. Which means that along with Justin, Craig is also going home this week.


Craig cries in the reject van on the way to the airport. I feel bad because I don’t feel bad for Craig. I just want to know where Ali got the cute heels she was wearing. Unfortunately, she doesn’t tell the guys that info, but instead informs them they are heading to Portugal next week.


The previews show us basically who is going home next week, who the final 3 are and that Frank ends up dumping Ali before the rose ceremony to take it down to the final 2. Did the ABC intern mess up with airing this footage? Or did Fliess just pull another fast one on me again? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…

Ali Episode 5 recap

Before I start on the recap I wanted to say thanks to my readers. I noticed the last few weeks that I have had a few new visitors to this site. I appreciate the time you have taken to read my views on this train wreck of a show and I hope you have enjoyed my sarcasm. Thanks for leaving a comment after the recap as well- I love the feedback. Now on to the show…


Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the phrases “guard and protect” and “wear my heart on my sleeve.”


Show opens without CH! How will we ever know what’s going on? ABC has apparently cut the budget because not only do we not get CH, we don’t even get real cameramen. Each guy is given a camcorder in the airport to record their trip to Iceland themselves. I guess they didn’t get any interesting footage though because we see each guy make a silly face at the camera in the NY airport and the next thing we see is them walking down the street in Iceland.


Ali walks around Iceland with George Costansa’s “leave-behind” hat still doubting herself.
Ali: “I know I can find some guy to love here. Heck, I thought I loved that dork Jake last season so obviously I’ll love anyone. My biggest concern is if they’ll love me back. And if they will guard and protect my heart.”


The guys walk down the street bitching about how cold it is. In Iceland. CH is there to greet them wearing 59 shirts and to explain the dates: three dates this week- 1 group date, 1 one on one date, and 1 two on one date. The one on one date goes to the guy who writes and performs the best love poem for Ali. They have one hour to write the poem. If they can include Icelandic words they get extra credit. If not, they have to stay after school and clap erasers.


The next thing that happens is probably the most dramatic thing this show has ever seen! Chris N. speaks! He talks more to some random dude on the street then he has to Ali all season.


So I thought they spoke English in Iceland but I guess not because I couldn’t understand a word the natives said to our dear bachelors. Anyone catch anything? The only thing I thought I might have heard was “stupid Americans” and “dumb show.”


Frank admits he’s written a few love poems in his day. Really? You don’t say Frank! So he’s feeling really confident.


The guys perform their poems and they go like this:


Craig: reads something unintelligible in Icelandic. Then admits he made it up. Pretty funny actually.


Kasey: “I’m crazy Kasey and I’m here to stay. You can’t get rid of me any day. I will always guard and protect your heart. Pull my finger and you’ll hear me fart.”


Ty: talks about his dorky hat. I think he also mentions his dogs?


Justin: rhymes random words with “wrestle.”


Roberto: speaks in Spanish then flashes his dimples.


Chris L.: reads a Dr. Seuss book.


Chris N.: “Hi Ali. I’m Chris N. I know we’ve never really talked before. But don’t worry- I haven’t spoken a word to anyone on this journey. Anyway, it was nice to finally meet you. Should I pack my bags now or wait till the rose ceremony?”


Kirk: he pets her while impressing Frank with his poem.


Frank: steals Kirk’s move of approaching Ali and touches her while telling her how great she is.


Ali picks Kirk for the one on one date because he touched her and used the word “journey.”


Kasey tells the camera that Kirk is a lucky guy but he’s not worried because he came there to find love and he’s not going to leave Ali alone till she loves him back. Or faces a restraining order. Whichever comes last.


Kirk and Ali go pick out matching Cedar Point outfits together at “The Sweater Shop” and then feed the geese before getting Ali the drink she so desperately needs.


Kirk is nervous to tell Ali about his dating past. Ali suspects he’s not telling her something important. But she downs three shots of vodka and doesn’t care anymore.


Back at the bachelor hotel room, the group date card comes: Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank. That means crazy Kasey and Rated-R Justin are going on the two on one date.


Back on the date, Ali and Kirk go to dinner and Kirk opens up about his past. He was really sick 5 years ago because of a haunted house he lived in while in college. No one could cure him so he saw a voodoo doctor who told him the house he lived in had mold and asbestos. The only way to cure it was to go back to the house on Halloween night and sleep there alone in the attic. Somehow from this story Kirk decides he’s meant to be with Ali and Ali gets turned on by it all and starts to make out with him. Then she gives him the rose.


The next day is the group date and man is it BORING! They ride these weird little horses and then have to repel into a cave. Ty comments that there’s no telling what’s down in the cave. Even though there is safety equipment sticking out the hole and power cords from the cameras in there.


Meanwhile, Justin wants to one up Kasey’s tattoo so he gets his fake cast removed for his date. And it’s a good thing too because if he thought walking on the beach with crutches was hard, there is no way he could have trekked up the icy mountain with those bad boys!


Back on the date, the 6 dudes and Ali sit in the bottom of the hole together. I’m surprised the producers didn’t make crippled Justin go on this obstacle course of a date. Then they all go to a hot springs which is a giant hot tub that Ali says is “magical!” Ali downs her champagne like it’s shots of tequila and steals Ty away to “explore.” Which translates to “swim to the other side of the rock to get away from the rest of the guys.” Ali baby talks to Ty while straddling him. However, she keeps looking over his shoulder to see what the others are doing. And although she does hump his leg, he doesn’t get a kiss.


Then Ali takes Chris L. to the same spot and slurs to him, “Tell me about your past relationships.” He starts to tell her but she starts to giggle before kissing him.


Frank peels Ali off Chris L. and takes her inside. Ali is so drunk I can’t understand a thing she says. That or she has learned Icelandic. Frank can’t understand her either but he doesn’t even care because they are finally alone together.


By the time Ali has to give out the rose, she’s so drunk it’s comical.
Ali: “What an amaything day. (giggle giggle) First the cold! And now the warm spath!” She gives the rose to Ty after seeming to forget his name for a second. Then she passes out.


The next day, Justin and Kasey pack their bags and Kasey tells Frank he’s excited to show Ali his tattoo because he’s literally put his heart on his sleeve. I yell at my TV that 1.) that’s NOT his heart but a picture of one that the ABC intern drew and 2.) that’s not his sleeve- it’s his ARM!


The three are whisked away in a helicopter to watch the volcano erupt. Ali has apparently gotten over her fear of flying because she doesn’t even seem bothered by the volcano spewing hot lava at them and is more bothered by the fact that she has to spend the whole day with these two weirdos. They land on the volcano to make it easier for Ali to get rid of one of the guys at the end of the day. No need for a reject helicopter- just push the guy into the volcano.


Before heading into an ice cave to drink some Irish coffee, Ali tells the camera, “The only thing Kasey needs to do on this date is be normal.”


No one has told her that usually Kasey spends his days locked in a 6 by 6 padded cell and that this is the most “normal” he’s been in years.


Ali and Justin have some boring alone time before she heads outside for her alone time with Kasey. He decides to tell her about his tattoo. Ali starts looking around like she’s being Punked. I look away because I am so embarassed.


Ali makes both guys trek up the mountain just to give away the rose and push the other guy off. She gives the rose to Justin and doesn’t even need to push Kasey off- he jumps. Ok, so she doesn’t push him and he doesn’t jump but they do leave him alone on the top of the freezing mountain and fly off in the helicopter.


The rose ceremony arrives and Kirk wears his dorky sweater from their date. Ali wears Elizabeth Taylor’s dress. Craig draws a fake tattoo on his arm.


Ali pulls Chris N. aside for some alone time and (I’m not making this up) asks him to tell her one thing about him that she doesn’t know. He tells her his name.


Chris L. tells Ali he would move to San Francisco and then talks more about his dead mom again.


Roberto and Ali kiss and talk about how hot he is.


Finally CH steals Ali away to make her decision. They sit down to talk it over together.
Ali: “Why are we doing this now Chris? We’re 5 episodes in and have never done this before.”
CH: “Well Ali, two reasons. First of all, ABC didn’t fly me all the way here just to count to four at the rose ceremony. And secondly, Kasey didn’t go nuts enough for us when you dumped him. We were counting on a good 15 minutes of footage of his craziness. Since that didn’t happen, we need to fill this leftover time with something. Plus, you are so insecure and I like to needle you about that. So tell me why you aren’t good enough for these guys again.”
Ali and CH talk about how she’s afraid of not being loved back. She’s so whiney and irritating. And drunk. She finally goes to the table with the pictures and pretends she doesn’t already know she’s sending Chris N. home.


The time to pass out the roses finally arrives. Kirk, Ty, and Justin already have roses. The other four go to Frank, Chris L., Roberto, and Craig. Going home with Kasey is Chris N.


Chris N. gets in the reject limo (wouldn’t it be hilarious if Kasey were sitting in there too?) and says- I’M NOT JOKING- “I don’t know what to say. I’m kinda at a loss for words.” No shit! You have been at a loss for words for the last five weeks! Until tonight I seriously thought the guy was a mute!


Next week the guys and Ali are heading to Turkey and we will find out that someone has a girlfriend back home! Who do you think it is? Justin? Roberto? Wes? Tune in next week to find out. Until then….

Ali Episode 4 recap

Show opens with 30 minutes of recaps followed by CH earning his 50 cents for the week with telling the guys about the week to come: 2 one on one dates and one group date. He also tells the boys to pack their bags for a trip around the world. First stop is New York City!


The guys leave sunny warm LA and head to NYC where Ali is walking around in Wonder Woman’s boots and drinking coffee and freezing.


Hal, from In Style magazine, obviously paid a huge sum of money to ABC to promote the July issue and gets to “make-over” Ali’s look. Which, from what I saw happening, means she gets a manicure, pedicure, clear eyeshadow applied with a Q-tip, and a curling iron to the old hair extensions. At the end of the makeover, Ali looks the exact same.


While Ali is busy having her picture taken with Hal, the first date card comes for Kasey’s one on one- “Let’s do what comes naturally.” Kasey interprets that to mean, “Let’s use every cheesy pick up line ever invented.”


Kasey prepares for the date by putting on… wait. Huh? What is it? A coat? A sweater? A hoodie? Whatever it is, it has professor leather elbow patches and a fisherman’s hood. It’s hideous!


Ali decides to wear something new and exciting for her date too- skinny jeans and flats with her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. Hal is somewhere either yelling at his tv or hiding in a closet. How do I know? Well honestly I don’t for sure but I’m pretty certain he would be doing that since that’s what I did for most of the episode. Wasn’t everyone?


ABC gets creative for this date too- a helicopter! So original! Or not…


Kasey talks about Ali becoming a beautiful butterfly while Chris L. (I love him by the way) talks about Kasey looking for unicorn love. Funniest confessional ever! Did I mention, I heart Chris L.


Kasey mistakes this reality show for American Idol and starts to sing (badly) every thought that comes into his head. My 5 year old likes to do this too. “I got up and brushed me teeth. Now I’m going to play with my ponies! Yeah! Play with my ponies!” Kasey’s song was similar. Ali starts to laugh until she realizes he’s for real. I covered my ears.


At this point, Ali wants to end the date but the producers won’t let her because they’ve already rented out the Museum of Natural History. But apparently the ABC intern never paid the next payment after the deposit because even though the doors are unlocked, there are no lights. To make up for forgetting to mail the check, the ABC intern runs out to buy some flashlights at the Dollar Store so we can hear Ali say, “Oh my goodness! I LOVE dinosaurs!” What doesn’t this girl love?


Ali keeps trying to run away from Kasey but he can keep up with her. She then tries to hit on a stuffed gorilla by calling him a monkey but no luck- she’s stuck with the ape of Kasey for the rest of the night.


Back at the bachelor hotel room, the next date card arrives: Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathon, Frank, and Ty. “Best play.”


Ali takes Kasey to a floor covered with pillows in front of a pedistal with the rose on it to interview him for the role of husband.
Ali: What makes this different than other relationships you’ve had?
Kasey: One reason. You. Otherwise everything else is the same. I always date a girl who is seeing 24 other guys and being filmed 24/7.
Ok, just kidding. He really said, “I’ve never had any other relationships before but I’ve watched a lot of them on tv and in cheesy movies.”
Ali: Intern! Help me! Get this weirdo away from me!
Intern (whispering in Kasey’s ear): Why don’t you sing again?
So Kasey breaks out into another made up on the spot horrible song. Glass starts shattering. Ali starts crying. Then she tells him he is not getting the rose tonight but she doesn’t want him to leave. She’s such a ruler breaker! She leaves him alone in the museum with the rose he didn’t get and runs off to fantasize about Roberto.


For the group date the next day, the guys go to Times Square for a video message from Ali to come find her in the concrete jungle. Her hiding place sucks and the guys spot her waving out a window of a nearby building in 3 seconds.


They crash a practice of Broadway’s Lion King. The guys have to learn a dance and song and perform for Ali and the producer of the musical. The best one gets a special date with Ali that night. Too bad Kasey wasn’t on this date to sing again. Anyway, all the guys are pretty bad but Roberto gets picked because he’s the hottest. I mean, he looked at Ali while singing. The producers tell the couple they will not be watching the Lion King but IN the production!


Roberto is so happy: “This is unbelievable! Now I’m going to do a show on Broadway? I’m probably the luckiest guy in the world!” That or the gayest for being excited about it.


The other guys pretend to be upset and then have to watch Roberto and Ali practice their part of hanging half naked on stage. All while still wearing the biker shorts from their audition.


Jonathon says watching them perform is like a beehive of knives in his face. What?


This date is getting boring fast. I fast forwarded… Ali takes a walk in the rain with Frank even though she is sick. And she kisses Frank even though she is sick.


Last date card arrives while all this is going on. The last one on one goes to Chris L.- “Let’s take a bite out of the big apple.” Justin tells Chris L. he’ll wrestle him for the date.


Back on the group date, the weatherman knows how to make a girl that’s under the weather feel better. By interrupting her alone time with another guy by stalking/watching from sidelines before draping his Member’s Only jacket over his arm and intruding only to be shut down!


Ali is sick so she ends the date early and doesn’t give out the rose. The producer pulls her aside.
Producer: Listen lady! I don’t know who you think you are, waltzing in here and changing all the rules that CH worked so hard to establish at the beginning of the show but this is the second date you’ve ended early without giving out a rose or sending anyone home! Let’s create some drama. And your sniffly nose and smokers voice aren’t cutting it. If you don’t do something drastic soon, we’ll have to start planting crazy ideas in these foolish boys’ heads. Now, where is that nut job Kasey?”


Kirk walks Ali back to her room. She asks him to sing to her like Kasey did. Kirk thinks that is stupid so he just makes out with her instead. Jonathon gets jealous and starts crying to the camera again. Kirk has to blow out the candles when he leaves Ali’s room because the ABC intern has had enough of Ali’s shenanigans and has left for the night.


The next day, Ali plays her diva card once again and cancels her one on one date with Chris L. because she’s sick. But she invites him up to her room for a little snot swap instead. She opens the door to him and says, “Happy birthday! Here, I got you the flu!” They drink tea and talk about his dead mom again.


Meanwhile, Kasey goes missing. The camera shows him sneaking off to get a tattoo of Ali’s name. Ok, it’s just a tattoo of a heart with a rose and a shield. Still just as cheesy!


Ali magically feels better and she and Chris L. go out to get hammered and talk more about the dead mom. Did you know she’s like the nicest lady? They call Chris L.’s dad. He sounds like Charlie Brown’s dad. Actually, all the adults on Snoppy- “Mawh, mawh, mawh, ma.”


Kasey returns from tattoo parlor and tells the guys he burned his arm and was at the hospital. Rated-R sees right thru him and goes on record telling us he thinks Kasey is a fibber. Why no one else asked what he burned his arm on is a little strange to me. Was it a curling iron? Taking cookies out of the oven? A hot pipe on a lawn mower?


Back on the date, Ali gives Chris L. the rose. If she didn’t, the producers were going to send HER home in the reject limo.


Finally- the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party! The guys are all sitting on one couch ragging on Kasey and Rate-R. I’m so bored! I fast forward and these are the only other notes I took:
 Kirk and Ali kiss again.
 Jonathon plays guitar and sings for her.
 Rated-R has a convo with guy we’ve only seen twice about Kasey being fake. Guy we’ve only seen twice speaks for the first time in agreement with the wrestler about Kasey.
 Kasey starts sweating profusely while Rated-R grills him about his burn. Kasey admits to guys he got a tattoo and shows it to everyone. Then he needs a towel to dry the sweat out of his soaping wet hair so he can go show Ali how nuts he is. I mean show Ali his tattoo. But Frank steals Ali away before Kasey can reveal the tattoo. And then, blessedly, CH arrives banging his glass of vodka to make Ali finally make some decisions about these losers.


Chris L. already has a rose. The rest of the roses go to Kirk, Frank, Craig, Chris N. (huh?), Roberto, Justin, Ty, and Kasey. Going home are Jonathon and Jesse. I think when Jesse told her good bye and asked why he was leaving I heard her whisper in his ear that he didn’t own enough denim for her. I could be wrong.


Anyway, that’s it till next week. Do you think Kasey will show his true colors and his dorky tattoo? What’s Kirk’s big secret? Will any of the guys wash away in the hot lava from the volcano? See ya next week to find out!

Ali Episode 3 recap

The show opens up with all the guys sitting around the bachelor pad wearing Gap V-neck t-shirts in different colors and terrible bed head. CH explains the dates this week: 1 group date, 2 individual dates, roses on each date, one on one dates need to get a rose or they go home, and not everyone will go on a date this week. Basically the same rules as last week.


CH leaves the first date card and books it out of there. First date is a one on one date for Roberto: “Love is a balancing act.”


John C. cries that he’s not been on a date at all while Roberto packs his bags and I check my notes from previous weeks to see who this John C. guy is. There is nothing. I’m guessing he is a cameraman?


Ali comes to the mansion to pick up Roberto wearing an ill-fitting shirt that hangs off one shoulder to reveal her purple wide strapped Playtex 18-hour bra. While walking to the door, she’s extra bouncy to make sure her hair extensions ponytail bobs up and down and side to side.


A helicopter lands to whisk the couple away. Roberto continues to clutch his Corona Light even though it’s only 8:00 a.m.


Once in the helicopter, Ali admits she is afraid to fly since Jake is not the pilot. Roberto kisses and pets her fears away to calm her down.


The helicopter lands on a roof of a tall building. There are zip lines off the side of the building. This looks familiar. Didn’t Jillian and Ed have this same date?


Meanwhile, back at the house, the guys are all crying about not being with Ali. Rated-R blames his cast for not having any time with her.


Roberto and Ali are now harnessed up and ready to tightrope walk across the street, 20 stories up in the air. I couldn’t watch- it made me feel sick. I can hear Ali’s voice though: “I was really nervous. Something could really go wrong. Like what if the 9 thousands cables holding us break?”


Roberto stops half way across to kiss her. She thinks it’s super romantic. I think it’s super cheesy and scary.


Back at the mansion, the next date card arrives. Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Jonathon, Craig who no longer needs a last initial, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. : “Come rock my world.”


While all this has been going on, Roberto and Ali have changed clothes for dinner. Ali put her dress on backwards but who cares? She’s too impressed with the 100 languages Roberto speaks to care what she looks like.


She tells the camera that she doesn’t like to be stiff at a table so she makes the ABC intern lay 3000 pillows on the roof top for her and Roberto to get stiff laying down on. Ali gives Roberto the rose. Afterall, he already took her cherry while under the blankets on the roof.


Group date: the guys take a limo that drops them off in the middle of nowhere. Ali is standing there wearing tight jeans, a wife beater tank top, and white spike high heels- she stole the whole outfit from Janet Wood’s (aka Joyce DeWitt) old dressing room on the Hollywood sound stange they later visit.
The Barenaked Ladies are there to perform. I like this band. What are they doing on this show? While BNL play their new song, Frank rubs the Weatherman’s shoulders and Ali “dances.” She’s terrible. I’m sure she will be on Dancing With The Stars next season.


The guys and Ali are making the music video for BNL’s new song. They each get their script and the Weatherman immediately begins to freak out because he has to kiss Ali in his scene. He starts to sweat and eventually chickens out and doesn’t kiss Ali. Then he cries. Ali feels sorry for him so she kisses him in the next take.


Frank and Ali’s scene’s script got switched with that of a porno. Then Ali makes out like a slut with the rest of the guys. They all get jealous of each other. Apparently they all forgot what show they are on.


At the wrap party, Ali pulls Chris L. aside first to ask him about the tattoo of his mom’s signature. He finally tells her his mom died but leaves it at that.


The Weatherman steals Ali away to explain why he’s wearing Michael Jackson’s Thriller jacket. Then he awkwardly whispers in her ear that he wants to go away and have a real first kiss. Ali laughs hysterically. When Jonathon doesn’t crack a smile she realizes he was being serious. Luckily for her, Craig steals her away before she has to answer.


Back at the house, the last date card arrives. Hunter: “Home is where the heart is…”


Steve is frustrated because the clock is ticking and he’s not getting anywhere with her. That and his perm is almost done processing.


On the group date, Ali and Kirk get in the hot tub together. The other guys get jealous. Kirk kisses her again in the hot tub (which Ali was surprised by the fact that the HOT tub was warm water). All the guys jump in the hot tub except for Justin because he can’t get his cast wet (how does he shower?). Ali gives Kirk the rose. They all watch the music video.


The next day, Justin leaves the house to stalk Ali. He hobbles down the highway on crutches to get to her house. Ali likes that he did it. But after hugging him, she sends him back on the road to limp home. Just kidding- they go inside and look at pictures of Justin’s family. Ali drives Justin back and gives him a hug. Justin doesn’t tell the guys what he did. Where did they think he was for those 5 hours?


Ali picks Hunter up for their date and drives him back to her place. He doesn’t wear his seatbelt correctly.


Hunter mans the grill and cooks enough food for the whole film crew. He tells Ali he wants to be a stay at home husband. They drink Coke without any ice with their burgers. Does Hunter not drink? They never drink together, which is probably why she isn’t all over him. The whole date is so uncomfortable to watch. I feel like I need a drink to get through watching it!


Hunter doesn’t get the rose.
Hunter: Is there anything I can do to change your mind?
Ali: Well I’d tell you to chug a couple of beers and loosen up but if you don’t want to do that I respect that choice. But at least allow me some alcohol please!


Hunter leaves in the reject taxi van, Ali goes in the house and pulls out the bottle of vodka. I go to the kitchen and grab a glass of wine. There are still over 30 minutes left- I need it! And I’ve made it this far. I deserve it.


Finally the pre rose ceremony cocktail party arrives. And so does Ali wearing a wedding dress. Most of the guys have on jeans. In fact, Jesse is dressed head to toe in denim.


Ali talks to Chris L. about lobster and some game called flip flop. I’m sure I’m the only one who doesn’t know what it is but it sounds like something I would like. I also like Chris L. My prediction at this point is that he will go far. Maybe the final one?


Steve steals a bunch of candles and a blanket from the house and makes a picnic outside. Ali tells him he can always win her over with champagne (I knew it Hunter!). However, Steve can’t open the bottle.


The rest of the guys stand around talking about how much they hate Justin. I really don’t see why he’s such a jerk. What am I missing? He’s not my favorite but he’s no Vienna.


Ali tells Roberto that Justin came to her house. Roberto tells the rest of the guys. They confront Justin. He doesn’t deny it and they all hate him more for it. Justin goes outside to cry.


Finally! CH comes in to steal Ali away to the room of pictures and for her to make her decision.


Roberto and Kirk already have roses. The other 94 go to Chris L., Jesse, Chris N. (I’ve never seen this character before), Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, Jonathon (WTF?!?!), and Justin. So Hunter, John C., and Steve all went home this week.


What do you all think of this week’s episode? Does 2 hours suddenly feel a lot longer to each of you while watching this show? Do you think Chris L. and John C. will catch that mouse? Or will ABC do a spin off series with them called “Mouse Catchers International”? Until next week…

Ali Episode 2 recap

In preparation of tonight’s episode, I decided to drink 10 beers. I figured all the guys are hammered and seem to be having fun, maybe that’s what I need to do to enjoy this monstrosity more. Let me tell you- it didn’t help.


Tonight’s show starts with CH welcoming the guys to the bachelor pad. They are all drinking OJ out of champagne glasses. CH explains there will be 1 group date this week and 2 individual dates. Roses are given on every date and if you get one you are safe. On the 1 on 1 dates, if you don’t get a rose, you go home. Not everyone will be going on a date this week. Blah blah blah.


The first date is a one on one date with Frank. He wore glasses last week at the rose ceremony and when the film crew visited his hometown before the show started. The producers told him he needed a new look and got him some contacts apparently because his glasses are gone now.


The camera shows Ali getting ready for her date with Frank. Apparently all she needs to do is braid those pesky hair extensions and she’s all set!


Frank puts his Clark Kent glasses back on for their date. And what is their date? Ali drives a big old car along the highway until it “runs out of gas/breaks down.” Then the two abandon the car and take off on foot till they come across a taxi waiting for them 50 feet down the road. The taxi takes them to Hollywood. Clark Kent passes the first test of “what would he do if the car breaks down?” with flying colors and Ali is smitten.


Back at the bachelor pad we see that all the guys still hate Rated- R Justin (the WWE guy with the broken foot).


Ali and Frank meanwhile are slipping and sliding down the hill with the Hollywood sign. Frank decides he needs to turn back into Superman to keep Ali from breaking her foot and he takes off his glasses again so he can sit and tell her about quitting his job to be a screenwriter. While he works at the mall and lives in his parents’ basement. Ali thinks being the manager at Banana Republic sounds like a cool job and she gives Frank the first kiss under the Hollywood sign.


While all this was going on, the ABC intern fixed the car and brings it back to Ali. Ali drives CK to the rest of their date: the Peach Pit After Dark! Just kidding. They go to makeout hill and drink the wine he stole from his parents’ liquor cabinet that he smuggled out of the house in a suitcase circa 1984. Somewhere along the line Ali also found Danny Zuko’s black leather jacket and put it on.


Back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s a group date for Jonathon, Ty, Chris H., Kirk, Hunter, Steve, Craig R., Chris N., Kasey, Justin, and Craig M. “Picture Us Together.” Craig M. gets pissed about how many tattoos Jesse has and Ty has to take him away from a fistfight over it. I guess Craig M. is “dangerous.”


Back on the date, Ali decides she is “crazy” about Frank and wants to let him know that so she gives him the rose. He accepts. He smells it like a drug while she goes on about how great he is.


Group date finally begins and it is a beach house in Malibu for a photoshoot. Ali wears her hair in dread locks since it worked for Crystal Bowersox. Poor Justin has to hop around beach/sand on crutches. The photoshoot has the guys all put on banana hammocks for a calendar. Justin cries when he sees his speedo. Ty sings to Ali while playing the guitar. I liked him last week??? Really? Cheesy!!! I kept praying he didn’t bust out “Love Don’t Come Easy.” Thankfully he didn’t.


After the photoshoot, Ali takes them to a cocktail/wrap party.
Ali: “Thanks for doing this today guys. We should all feel really good because of what we did today because it was for a really good cause.” Um, ok. Charity! Got it! But what charity? Did she ever say?


Ty pulls Ali aside and tells her he’s been divorced. She stares at him with unblinking death eyes. Ali: “I want to be the ONLY one Ty! How could you have been with someone else before me?!?!”


Justin the weatherman is wearing a white Don Johnson jacket and has a real hard on for Craig M. He even compares the guy to a category 6 hurricane. He decides to interrupt Ty and Ali to warn her that the hurricane is coming! Ali gives him the friend hug after giving him the crazy “my eyes can’t open any bigger without blinking” eyes while he tells her about Craig M.


Group date rose goes to Ty. Guess she didn’t care he was divorced afterall.


Back at the house, the last date card arrives to tell us the one on one goes to Jesse and Ali. The date card reads, “Use these when the time is right.” There is a box of cufflinks. Jesse reminds us that he doesn’t know what cufflinks are because the first suit he bought/wore is the one he bought for this show.


Ali has something special planned for her date with Jesse- a private jet to Vegas! Jake’s the pilot so even though Ali hates to fly, she’s not nervous. She knows she’s on the Wings of Love!


Jesse and Ali swim in a pool then go to dinner. She tells him she loves his tie. It’s plain black. Honestly, the most boring tie ever! The paid wait staff have the same ties. That was about the most exciting thing on the date. Zzzzzz!


Ali gives Jesse the rose, takes her hair down out of the bun, takes her shoes off, and they go dancing. Thankfully the date is over!


At the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Ali gets some more alone time with Chris L. I like him. He seems normal. What is he doing on this show? Why has he still not told her about his dead mom making him come on the show? Why is he wearing jeans with a suit coat?


At this point I decided I want to be the Bachelorette. No matter what you look like, ABC drugs the guys into thinking you are the hottest thing ever. They also give you lots of free booze to drink while accepting the unwarranted compliments. And a cool new wardrobe!


I also questioned my belief from last week that Kasey has a cool accent. Is he hearing impaired? Speech impediment? Really- does anyone know? And why did he take his shoes off while talking to Ali?


Ali and Roberto play baseball. He’s wearing jeans too. Did the ABC intern send a memo to the guys about the dress code for tonight? Did he feel bad that Jesse only has one suit so he asked the other guys to help him out and wear jeans too?


Ali pulls the weatherman aside. He performs a SNL skit for her that goes something like this:
Jonathon: “I thought about you yesterday.”
Ali: (giggle) “Just a little?”
Jonathon: “Yeah actually- just a little. The rest of the time I was thinking about…..” (dramatic pause) “Do you want to know?”
Ali: “Was it the weather? Is it gonna rain?”
Jonthon: “No. Not the weather. Look, I want to tell you but I don’t want to be a tattletale. So before I cry to you about the bully, I want you to beg me to tell you about him.”
Ali: “This isn’t about me. It’s getting old. Just tell me who you have a man crush on.”
Jonathon: (sniffling) “Yesterday Craig M. wore my favorite Don Johnson jacket and got cooties on it. What should I do? How do I get his germs off?”
Ali has fallen asleep she’s so bored with this. Wait- maybe that was me who fell asleep from boredom.


Ali pulls Craig M. aside and begs him to pay more attention to her. Camera shows 2 guys we have never seen before (cameramen maybe? Interns? Producers?) discussing Craig M. and what a douch bag he is. Craig M. gives Ali some BS answer that she seems to buy and like. Where the hell is CH when you need him? I am ready to get this rose ceremony going!


Craig M. goes back to the guys and demands to be told who told Ali he’s dangerous. Crickets chirp. The weatherman and Craig M.’s hard ons for each other couldn’t get any bigger. I didn’t know if they were going to punch each other or kiss! Before they do either, CH comes in banging his champagne glass of doom and pulls Ali away to look at the pictures of all the guys. After holding the frame of each guy, she has made her decision.


Frank, Ty, and Jesse already have roses. The other 35 roses go to Kasey, Hunter, Roberto, Chris L., Justin, Steve, Kirk, John C., Craig R., Chris N., and Jonathon.


Going home is Craig M. (crazy guy- crazy for the weatherman that is!), Tyler V. (welt on his forehead), and someone else they didn’t even show or mention.


Did you notice how Ali stared into each rose before saying the names like they held the secret to the universe? Or does the ABC intern write the names on the inside of the roses so Ali doesn’t mess up a la Jesse Palmer?


Well that’s it- another 2 hours of my life I will never get back. Until next week….