Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 6

The show starts with a voice over: “Welcome to the longest 2 hours of your life you will never get back.” They show 3 minutes of previews. I could have/should have stopped watching at that point. Nothing else really exciting happens.

Jake leaves his San Francisco hotel to go to the hometown dates wearing shorts, flip flops, and a button down shirt. His first hometown is in New York City with Gia. As soon as Gia sees Jake, she jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around him. She makes him carry her around the city like this the rest of the day. Jake complains that his arms are getting tired so they take a boat ride so Gia can point out things in her city that everyone already knows.

Gia: “There’s the Empire State Building! Oh and look- the Statue of Liberty!”

Then they decide to take a bunch of pictures while on the boat. Gia’s words are: “Let’s take pictures and make memories so when we break up in a couple of weeks, we have something to remember each other by. In addition to the 3 hours of footage this cameraman who has been following us around has.”

While on the boat I found myself yelling at the tv for Gia to get her hands/fingers out of her mouth! Then I felt like I was talking to my kids and it hit me that Gia is really a 2 year old child. Let’s look at the facts: 1.) her favorite game is hide and seek and she is so bad at it she doesn’t even know to actually hide. 2.) she loves to be carried around by Jake (or anyone I’m guessing). 3.) she constantly has her fingers in her mouth like she’s digging for new teeth or something!

Gia and Jake then go meet Gia’s family in a restaurant. Why not their house? Anyway, this was the most boring family meet and greet ever! The mom reminded me of a witch. When I saw her reading Jake’s cards (wrong) at the end of the episode it just solidified my guess. The only other notable thing from this date was that apparently mom had a little too much to drink. When Gia and mommy take a walk outside to talk about Jake, Gia has to hold her mother up she is so sloshed!

Next up is Ali in Williamstown, MA. This date was so weird on so many levels. First thing I noticed is that Ali walks funny. I don’t know how to describe it but did anyone else notice it? The two sit on a random bench and make wishes on leaves. Ali tells the camera, “I love laughing!” Um, who doesn’t? Who says, “You know what my number one pet peeve is? Laughing! I hate to laugh and it bugs me when others laugh!”

Ali takes Jake to her dead grandma’s house. They sit on the brick wall in front of the house till the new owners come out and chase them away. So they head off to meet the rest of Ali’s family. Which in the last episode I believe Ali said her family wasn’t normal or traditional or something like that. But honestly, other than the fact that she appears to have a normal relationship with her mom but told us her dead grandma was her mother, this family seemed pretty down to earth and normal.

Jake, ever the gentleman, has brought a gift for Ali’s family. Who knows what it is? He takes one to every family but they never open it on camera. Do you think it’s something really inappropriate or something? Anyway, the ABC intern who was supposed to buy the gift bags for Jake’s gifts forgot so he had to reuse the bag that was given to him by Gia’s family. That or he just re-gifted the gift. Which would explain why it was never opened on camera.

Ali’s mom asks Jake, “Would you like to join my outside? We can sit by the fire. And make out.” By fire, she meant the 2 votive candles the intern lit on the picnic table. Man, this guy really dropped the ball on this date, huh?

Mom seems to like Jake, Ali takes him back outside to the picnic table and tells him she would say yes to a marriage proposal. Jake (who is wrapped 100 times in a women’s scarf) makes a big production of taking off his gloves to grab Ali’s face and kiss him. Then he sniffs her face. I almost was asleep by this point.

Third hometown was with Tenely in Newberg, OR. Jake wears the same girly scarf. Immediately Tenely starts grilling Jake, “Who are you as a man? Does your mom run your life? My ex’s parents controlled his life. In fact, they are the ones who told him to cheat on me. Speaking of my ex, let’s see how many times I can bring him up today. We’ll make it a game! Keep count while I compare you to him!”

Tenely takes Jake to a dance studio she danced at as a little girl. She tells him her ex never saw her dance (mention of said ex number 28) and that she has put together a little dance routine for him. She changes into a leotard and tu-tu which Jake goes ape over!

Jake: “Wow! Nice!” Really Jake? She looks like a little girl playing dress up.

So I will give her this- she is a really good dancer and she has GREAT calves! But man, was that really awkward to watch! I felt like I was watching a 6 year old’s dance recital or something.

Then they go to her parents house. Tenely’s mom is 12. Her dad is 93. The only other thing I wrote down was that her dad cries during his alone time with Jake. Mom cries during her alone time with Jake. Jake cries. The dad hugs Jake. They make out a little. And the game of “how many times can we bring up the ex” count ends the night at 1, 235, 887 times.

The last hometown arrives finally! Yay! But wait, it’s only 9:00!!!! How are they going to fill another hour with Vienna’s date and the rose ceremony?

Vienna wears her Daisy Dukes and white high heels shoes to take Jake on a boat ride around Sanford, Florida. Then she takes him back to her dad’s trailer to meet her family. Vienna and her dad sit down for a little chat and she tells him, “I’ve never been in love before. I mean, I’ve loved but not like this. I’ve never wanted to get married. I mean, I’ve been married but never after an experience like this.” Their whole conversation is full of contradictions like this. I’m so bored.

The family eats dinner in the backyard. It looks like the ABC intern had to drag a house rug outside to cover up the dead grass/mud in the backyard before putting the picnic table on it. After dinner, Jake and Vienna go to Vienna’s room to make out on her bed. Her dad walks in on them and for some reason this gets a laugh from all.

Jake and the girls all fly back to LA for the rose ceremony. Before the rose ceremony, the producers come to Jake’s room and tell him to look normal while they film him bc something big is about to happen.

Jake: “What should I be doing?”
Producer: “Why don’t you do some push-ups? With your shirt off?”
Jake: “I just did 300. I’m a little tired.”
Producer: “How about you take a shower?”
Jake: “You’ve done that every episode. It’s getting a little weird. I know- let’s call Chris and ask him. He’s such a good friend and guy- he’ll know what to do!”
Producer: “No, we can’t bother him again or we’ll have to pay him more. Just rearrange the magazines on the coffee table and act surprised when there is a knock at the door.”
Jake: “But there is only one magazine here.”
Producer: “Just do it!”
Knock, knock….

It’s Ali. In tears. She must decide between her job and Jake. Which I just have to pause here to ask a few questions…. 1.) didn’t her work know she was going to be gone? Why are they just now demanding she come back to work? 2.) I didn’t think the girls could have any contact with the outside world while filming- how did she find out she was about to get canned if she didn’t come back to work?

Unpause. Jake grabs Ali’s face (which is how he likes to kiss her apparently), kisses her, then smells her cheek (which is another weird thing he does when kissing these girls). He tells her whatever she decides is ok.

Jake then tells the camera: “I hope Ali stays. All I have right now is hope.” That and 3 other girls.

At this point I am talking to the tv again. “WHERE IS CH WHEN HE’S NEEDED?!?! Poor Jake- what is he to do without the help of his good buddy Chris? For once, the tv hears me and CH appears like a vision to have a sit-down with Jake. And he’s wearing a HUGE watch. What was up with that?

CH plays devil’s advocate and asks Jake what he will do if Ali quits her job for him. Nothing like adding any pressure there Chris. I think he enjoyed all this. Then he leaves to go let the girls in for the rose ceremony.

What did Gia do to her mouth for this? Anyone else notice how it looked like her face looked like the Jokers? Her lips were freaking me out!

All the girls are lined up for the rose ceremony and Ali looks down and sees her WWCHD bracelet that Jake gave her.

Ali: “Chris, can I talk to you for a minute?”

CH whisks her away and tells her he is NOT the ABC shrink and he is not getting paid enough to listen to her whine. He takes her Jake who immediately pulls her legs into his lap and they cry.

Commercial time. Mc Snack Wrap? Really? A Big Mac in the form of a wrap? GROSS! That ranks right up there with the McRib sandwich which had meat that was in the shape of rib bones.

Back in Bachelorland, Ali and Jake are still crying on the couch. CH interrupts: “Come on Ali- have you made up your mind? Are you going to stay or go? Hurry up! I want to get home to my wife and kids!”

Another commercial. This time for Lost. Which I have noticed them promoting all season of the Bachelor. Which is fine. That’s what networks do- promote other network shows. But they keep billing Lost as the greatest thing ever. Now I am not saying this bc I don’t watch Lost but really? Doesn’t that seem a little mean to the show we are all already watching? Anyway, it’s just struck me as a little funny all season.

So during this time, Ali has made up her mind to go. She knows she can’t give up her job for a 1 in 4 chance at a rose and a 1 in a million chance at marriage. Jake walks her out and puts her in the limo. Then he tells the camera: “I feel like Ali’s slipping thru my fingers and I don’t know how to stop her.” Really? That’s the feeling you’re getting? What tipped you off? The fact that she said she was leaving? Or putting her in the reject limo and watching her drive away?

Jake and CH go back to the other women who apparently have been standing like statues for the last 4 hours while Ali and Jake said goodbye to each other.

CH: “For the first time in Bachelor history, there will be no rose ceremony tonight. Which is a relief to me because I was nervous about counting to 3. Really dodged a bullet tonight, huh? So ladies, just come get your roses so we can all go home.”

Continuing on the journey: Tenely, Gia, and Vienna. Currently in therapy: Ali.

So what are your thoughts on the show? Did Ali make the right choice? Who do you think would have gone home if she had stayed (I think it was gonna be Gia). Do you think this show could get any more boring? Anyone else notice how short Jake was tonight? What can they possibly fill the remaining 4 hours of this show with? Discuss amongst yourselves. See you next week!