Recap: Season: Jake Episode: 7

Show opens up with 30 minutes of recaps from last week’s episode. Which is funny because the whole show last week could have been shown in just half an hour. Next, we get ½ hour of previews for tonight’s show. After watching the previews for 10 minutes, I finally fast forwarded to the beginning of the actual show (or so I thought). Jakes is walking around his hotel room in St. Lucia. They now are going to recap each of the remaining 3 girls’ “journey” up to this point. This takes another 30 minutes and I am finally excited because that means we only have about 30 minutes left to watch!


But what’s this? They are showing Ali back in San Francisco. She is not one of the remaining 3 women! Remember, they just showed last week’s 5 hour long departure! Ali tells us she’s gonna fight for Jake while sitting in a hotel room in San Fran. Why is she in a hotel room? Doesn’t she live there? Or does she live in a hotel? Wouldn’t that be cool? Someone to change your sheets each day and give you a fresh bar of soap!


Back in St. Lucia, Gia is getting the first windy date. We are talking hurricane strength winds! She runs up behind him to “surprise” him. He takes off his sunglasses and clips them to the back of his shirt (who does that?) and kisses Gia. Then he follows her up about a million steps. She ends up so far ahead of him because even though he has nice abs, he apparently gets winded easily. Once they reach the top of the hill, Jake points to a boat down in the water and tells Gia they are taking a ride in that.


Gia: “You dragged my ass all the way up here to tell me that? Why didn’t we just go get on the boat? It probably would have saved you the heart attack I’m afraid you are going to have on the way back down this mountain. Hurry up!”


After a wrong turn by driver Jake, the boat ends up in the slums of St. Lucia. The couple strolls along the street and listens to street people play music. Jake forgets he’s with Gia and thinks he’s with Tenely so he asks her to dance. They “dance” in the street. It was the most embarrassing thing to watch! Jake is the WORST dancer ever. It was so bad, I had to hide my eyes. The locals even laughed at him.


Local: “Silly white boy.”


Then Jake buys them both dorky 1990 bead necklaces from a street vendor. And he wears it! Gia realizes how uncool these necklaces became about 20 years ago but she doesn’t want to be mean so she puts it on her wrist and tells the camera “For the rest of my life, or at least until next week when we break up, I will wear this necklace on my wrist. Because that’s where I wear it. I also wear my heart on my sleeve.”


For the night portion of their date, some intern rescued the pair out of the ghetto of St. Lucia and took them to a posh hotel. Gia rummages thru my daughter’s dress up trunk and picks a jeweled headband to wear. Jake is very impressed with how she looks and tells the camera he loved her “sundress” (dress was NOT even close to a sundress).


They eat dinner on the beach with a HUGE sea shell on the dinner table. Jake brags about what a good guy he is.


Gia: “Tell me more about you!”
Jake: “I always put other before myself. I’m so awesome! I’m such a catch. Kiss me!”


They go to swing on a hammock and Jake pulls out the fantasy suite sex card from CH. Gia can’t wait to get to the room with Jake. They get into a bubble bath (see? Gia really is a little kid-> their date consisted of swinging and a bubble bath) and the ABC intern who has already earned his paycheck for the day by rescuing the pair off the streets now has to rummage around in their suitcases for their clothes. He lays them in a path to the tub for the cameraman to film.


Next up is Tenely. Who forgot to tell Jake they were still playing the game of “keep count of how many times I can bring up my ex and compare you to him.”


Jake runs up to Tenely, hugs her, kisses her, and twirls her around.
Jake: “Can you believe we’re here? St. Lucia!” (he asked Gia the EXACT same thing)


Jake tells her that since she showed him her passion of dancing, he will show her his passion of flying. I figured they would get in a small plane and he would be the pilot like he did with Ali. But no, it’s just another helicopter ride.


The duo plays a game of “golly gee” during a picnic lunch at a sugar plantation. Then they go swimming at a black sand beach. After taking off their shirts and shorts, the ABC intern has to hang them on rocks for the cameraman to get a good shot of.


The couple then heads to dinner at a hotel. The ex hubby mention count is up to 359 for the day. Tenely is worried about the date because she hasn’t given it up to anybody since guess who? That’s right- the ex. Nervous about the fantasy suite card, Tenely tells Jake she’s falling in love with him. So Jake asks her to dance. Please ABC- stop allowing this guy to dance! He’s so terrible! These two are the biggest dorks- they are perfect for each other. They slow dance like a couple of 7th graders and Tenely thinks it’s so romantic.


After the dance, Jake thinks it would be a good time to pull out the fantasy suite sex card.


Jake: “This came from Chris Harrison and I’m really excited about it. I’m really excited!” He gives her the card for her to read. Tenely accepts. You can hear Jake’s woody hit the table.


They head to the fantasy suite. I had to pause here to feel a little bit sorry for Gia. All she got was a tiny bubble bath. Tenely gets a whole big pool!


The ABC intern has the creepy intense music swell as Jake and Tenely get into the pool. Cut to commerical. Which means, nothing happened. This is Tenely we’re talking about here. I’m sure what we missed went something like this:


Tenely: “Tell me more about why you think you’d be a good husband,”
Jake: “I always think of others. I’d have your back no matter what.”
Tenely: “Those are good answers Jake. My ex husband never felt like that. And he cheated on me. It’s been hard for me. But I deserve love again. Now watch me dance for you and then you can peck me on my cheek.”


Vienna gets the last date. Which I’m sure she either paid the producers to get or beat the shit out of the intern so he’d pull some strings. They go to a pirate ship. (again, let’s pause- Gia got a tiny little row boat. Vienna gets a huge sailboat) Vienna tells the camera she’s never been in love before. Even though she’s been engaged once and married once. To 2 different men.


Vienna tells Jake he’d make a sexy pirate and gives him an eye patch to wear. The dumb ass puts it on and closes the wrong eye. So he decides to try to embarrass her by making her climb ropes to the boat’s crows nest. He’s forgotten that he is the one who is afraid of heights and as Vienna flies to the top, he’s left looking like a fool again being left behind.


This date is so cheesey. Jake dressing like a pirate with the scarf on his head and the eye patch. Then he makes Vienna “walk the plank.” At this point I threw up a little bit. In my stomach. To quote Ali.


For the evening portion of their date, Jake wears a turquoise silk shirt from 1992. They eat dinner in a gazebo and talk about how great they both are. We also learn that (surprise, surprise) the princess wants a princess cut stone for her ring with some extra bling.


After Jake reminds Vienna that there are 2 other girls he’s falling for too, Vienna tells him she loves him. He breaks out the fantasy suite sex card and hands it to Vienna.


Jake: “Why don’t you read it?”


I’m thinking he doesn’t know how to read since he has made each of the girls read it aloud to him.


Once in the fantasy suite, Vienna tells Jake she has a surprise for him. She puts on a white nighty. The intern keys the porno music and Jake and Vienna make out on the bed of rose petals till Vienna closes the door on the cameraman. She tells him it’s nothing personal but that if he’s gonna film what they are about to do, she needs to get paid.


Ok, so it’s only 9:13 and all we have left is the rose ceremony. It hits me that ABC is going to devote the last 45 minutes of this week’s episode to whiney Ali again! UG!


Producers tell Jake that there is going to be a “surprise” phone call. Jake questions what he should be doing before the phone rings.


Jake: “Should I rearrange the magazines on the coffee table again?”
Producer: “No, you did that last week. Why don’t you get in the shower?”
Jake: “I’m really starting to feel uncomfortable with that.”
Producer: “It’s sexy to watch a man get clean. The women in our viewing audience will love it!”
Jake: “How about if I just wash my face? I have lots of moisturizers and creams.”
Producer: “Fine.”


Jake is putting on his night mask when the phone rings. It’s Ali. She’s back to whine again and tells Jake she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. She’s decided that being employed is not as important as getting roses from a guy she barely knows.


During this whole convo, Jake holds the phone so far away from his head. He tells Ali not to come back. He’s over her! Well that was fast buddy!


Ali cries to the cameraman in San Francisco about how she made the wrong choice, it’s too late now, and how she’ll never find anyone like Jake ever again.


Hmmm….. Foreshadowing? Will Ali be the next Bachelorette? Magic 8 Ball says, “All signs point to yes!”


Jake finishes getting ready for the rose ceremony. He stands in front of the mirror buttoning and unbuttoning the top button on his shirt. Buttoned? Unbuttoned? Unbuttoned it is.


Thank God CH comes for a sit down to hash things out with Jakey! CH and Jake recap what we just saw with each of the girls. This is the THIRD time we’ve seen this footage tonight: once at the beginning of the show in the previews. Once while watching the show. And now again while watching the recap of the show. I guess they gotta fill the 2 hours with something!


CH: “Are you ready to send one girl home?”
Jake: “No! If I had to make that decision right now, I don’t know what I’d do.”
CH: “Well what did you think we’re doing here Jake? You do have to send one girl home now. Why else would I be here? I know you can’t possibly count to two by yourself. I’m sure these video messages each girl has left for you will help you make up your mind. I’ll be outside. Hurry up!”


Jake watches the video messages. Boring- blah, blah, blah.


Finally! The rose ceremony!


Roses go to Tenely and Vienna. Going how with a necklace on her wrist: Gia. And tons of sweat on her face! Man, give that girl a tissue! She had snot dripping out of her nose the whole time Jake was dumping her. Once again, another sign that Gia is really a little kid- someone needed to tell her to wipe her nose.


So that’s it- what did you think? Will next week’s Women Tell All tell us anything? Or just recap the boring season all over again? Who do you think Jake will choose in two weeks at the finale? Can’t wait! Until then….