Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ben Episode 9 Recap

Welcome to episode 9 of the Bachelor.  I apologize in advance for how boring this recap will be.  I can only work with what I’m given people!  The show opens with Ben packing his shit in LA.  He leaves the hotel in his BLUE jeans and olive green tee to head off to Switzerland for the last leg of his “journey.”  Afterall, Switzerland is the perfect place to fall in love.  Yay!  The graphic artist is back this week and we get to see a cartoon airplane fly over a map from California to Switzerland.  While Ben’s voice over tells us he’s falling in love with all three of the women left we are treated to 20 minutes of recaps of Ben’s journey with each of the remaining three ladies.
Ben’s first date is with Nicki.  They greet each other in the freezing cold for a picnic after a heli ride around the countryside.  The view is beautiful but Ben’s ugly sweater is so distracting I can barely focus on the gorgeous mountain behind them.
For the night part of their date, Ben takes Nicki to Abe Lincoln’s log cabin (who knew he had a place abroad?).  They drink their over-$20-a-bottle-of-wine and discuss their future.
Nicki: “How many kids do you want?  I want only 2.”
Ben: “My sister and I already discussed this.”
Me: “What does your sister have to do with this?”
Ben: “And we decided that four is the perfect number for each of us.”
Nicki: “Oops- did I say two kids?  I totally meant two times two.  Which equals four.  I want four kids too.  I love you Ben!  Pick me!”
Ben: “Well I’m not sure you are the one but I would like to bang you.  Here’s a card from CH.  Pretend like you don’t know what it’s gonna say before you open it.”
Nicki opens the for-go card, acts like she’s surprised, and admits she can’t wait to run her hands through Ben’s greasy locks in private while practicing making one of those four babies with him.
Next date is with Lindzi.  She’s apparently forgotten her self tanner state side because she’s not as Umpa-Lumpa-ish as normal when she greets Ben in a Jillian Harris jump/leg wrap/hug.  The two hike up a small mountain to repel down the said of said mountain.  I’m terrified of heights.  It’s also apparently cold.  And I hate the cold too.  This doesn’t sound like a fantasy date- it sounds like my worst nightmare!  But Ben and Lindzi do it because how do you know a relationship is strong without doing something stupid together?  They make the 300 foot drop to the bottom and make out.  Then they head to a hot tub to make out a little more.  ABC’s hot tub quota hasn’t been met for this season yet so they are trying to pack it all into one episode.  That’s what you get for casting a flabby pansy for your Bachelor ABC.
For the night part of their date, Lindzi wears an extra long t-shirt and nothing else.  Her self tanner has obviously made it through costumes because she’s back to her normal orange self again.  Ben dons Colonel Sanders bow tie and crimps his hair for their special night.  Lindzi admits that she’s falling in love with Ben.  This causes Ben to whip out the CH invite for a little s-e-x.  Lindzi opens the for-go card, pretends she’s not normally like this but would love to go back to the fantasy suite that Ben banged Nicki in 24 hours previously.  The two head to the sex suite and make out before kicking the cameramen out and doing the nudey-duty.  I hope the maids changes the sheets since Nicki.
Last date goes to Courtney.  Ben greets her wearing a women’s wool coat.  It goes nicely with his women’s hair.  They board a train, which I think is quite fitting, seeing how Courtney’s been aboard the crazy train this whole season.  They get off the train, shop in a market for picnic food and as they walk through the countryside I notice Courtney is a little pigeon-toed.  I also notice she’s full of shit as she tells the camera she hopes the other girls can forgive her for how she’s treated them.  Ben and Courtney eat their picnic and play “Hey Cow!” and I realize these are the most boring over night dates in the history of this show ever!
As Courtney bites her lip and pets her hair she admits to Ben that she had a hard time getting along with the girls in the house.  Ben seems really pissed off by her behavior but before I can congratulate him on finally growing a pair, he’s changing the subject rather than dealing with it head on.  As Courtney fake cries in her confessional, she reminds me of Juliette Martin from CW’s Ringer.  They both are terrible actresses.
For the night part of their date, Ben and Courtney head to a wine cellar to drink away their sorrows in each other and themselves.  Hey, I’m not judging.  I am drinking away my sorrows for watching this show as I write.  
Courtney is back pedaling like mad as she realizes Ben will soon be watching how she treated the other women and how she acted when he wasn’t around.  She uses the acting advice her ex, Jesse Metcalf, gave her and pretends she’s sorry for being such a bitch.  And Ben’s buying it!  He loves her apology so much he’s whipping out the for-go card and unbuttoning his pants right there!  Courtney pretends Ben didn’t take this same “big step” with both Nicki and Lindzi and accepts the sex offer from CH and Ben even though it’s kinda moot- they already did this in Puerto Rico.
Ben is busy smelling the fart on his balcony the next morning, trying to decide which lady he just slept with to break up with when there is a knock on his hotel room door.  I was expecting the date card table but it’s not.  Who could it be?  CH?  Ashely?  Kacie B.?  No, it couldn’t be her.  I’m sure her dad has not ungrounded her yet after the f-bomb she dropped on national tv last week.  But wait!  I’m wrong.  It is the bible thumper’s daughter back to find out what the f-bleep went wrong.  Oh and while she’s there, she might as well throw Courtney under the bus again too.  Her comments about the mean model are all valid but Ben’s not buying it.  Afterall, Courtney apologized to him the night before.
Ben uses The Bachelor’s universal code for “go away” by dropping the “Can I walk you out?” bomb on Kacie B.  As soon as the door is closed behind her, Kacie pulls an Ali and lays down in the hallway of the hotel to cry.  Oh honey.  They’ve already asked Emily to be the next Bachelorette.  Get up, dust yourself off, go back home to daddy, and find a nice preacher’s son to not have sex with until your wedding night.  Believe me, you’ll be much better off than with Ben or this show.
Rose ceremony time finally arrives.  Ben spends a few minutes looking at each girl’s picture before CH finally arrives (1hour and 41 minutes into this trainwreck) to talk some sense into this nitwit.  He helps Ben recap his dates with each girl before going off to practice counting to 2.
The women arrive and Ben hands out the buds to Lindzi and Courtney.  Which means that Nicki gets to ride home on the reject plane with Kacie B.  He offers her the same “Can I walk you out?” cheering up before stuffing her in the back of limo to take her to an airport.  (By the way- what was that black sheet thing in the limo next to her?  Do you think they were hiding a body under that?)
And that’s where we end week 9 of this journey.  What do you think?  Was this the most boring episode of all?  Did Ben make the right choices?  Who do you think will be the final rose receiver in two weeks?  And what was up with the 10 minute Emily preview?  Why did Ali and Ashley have to “teach her the ropes?”  Are they really the best people to take advice from regarding this experience?  Talk about in the comment section and I’ll see ya all back here next week for the WTA.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Recap will be up tomorrow....

So sorry for the delay.  In the meantime, discuss in the comment section!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Ben Episode 8 Recap

Thank you dear readers for sticking with me through yet another week of this trainwreck of a show.  I again appreciate the comments you leave in the comment section of the  blog and on my facebook page.  Please continue to let me know your thoughts and insights.  Let’s get to the recap.
Show opens up with Lindzi waiting for Ben in her spurs and making out with her horse.  Ben arrives on Lindzi’s 500 acre horse farm wearing his signature gray Levi jeans and a plaid shirt.  They play stable boy as Lindzi saddles up First Impression Rose and teaches Ben how to use a whip.  I thought that would be a lesson for next week’s overnight dates.  They ride off together on a weird little “carriage ride.”  The duo sit down to a picnic surrounded by horse shit and I’m not only talking about their conversation.  Over some drinky-drinks, Lindzi shares that she’s put up emotional walls since being dumped via text.  That and apparently her parents kept her too busy with the horses all through high school that she never had time to date.  Then she shares with Ben the brand name of her self tanner.  How do I know this?  Because in Ben’s confessional later he’s just as orange as she usually is.
They finally head off to meet her family.  How do they get there?  Over the woods and through the snow?  No, that’s not right.  Under the bridge and through the rain?  Nope- that’s not it either.  Through the woods and over the fence?  No!  Over the river and through the woods.  That’s it!  They must have heard me yelling it at my tv because they finally get it right.
Lindzi’s parents sit around on wicker furniture in the middle of the yard, talking to their dogs like they are their babies.  Ben’s gonna love these folks.  They don’t even let their daughter climb off Ben’s lap before hugging him and introducing him to Lindzi’s “siblings”, the dogs (why do people do that?  Seriously.  I’ve never understood that).  The rents are shoveling alcohol down Ben’s throat before he can even get out of the carriage.  Her parents share that they got married in San Francisco at City Hall- the very place Ben was supposed to have a one on one date with Brittney and Lindzi had their first date.  
Next up is the family tradition of humiliating all guests with a carriage race around the yard.  Oh yeah, and you need to hold on to Lindzi’s sister the dog the whole time too.  So Lindzi drags Ben around on the back of a carriage while mom does the same to dad.  Due to some help from the ABC intern, the parents win the race.  Which means that they let the poor horses run free and Ben and Lindzi have to pull the carriage home.  I hope that ABC is taking notes and whoever Ben doesn’t pick at the final rose ceremony has to pull Ben and the winner around.  How awesome would that be?!?!
Over glasses of wine, Lindzi and who I can only guess is an actress hired to play her mom since the two look nothing alike, discuss how Lindzi is falling in love with Ben, how he’s a super nice guy, but there’s fear of another broken heart.
When mom sits down with Ben she tells him that Lindzi recently had her heart broken.  But after knowing Ben for only two hours herself, she knows that Lindzi is ready to be engaged to a guy she’s only spent about 15 hours total with.  As Ben sits down with dad, he admits he’s not ready to propose to anyone yet (he wants to wait till after the overnights first- duh!  You don’t buy a car without test driving it first, right?).  As he and Daddy-o converse it strikes me that the father looks like Robin Williams.  I keep waiting for him to run to the bathroom and dress up like an old lady.
Next hometown date is with Kacie B. in Tennessee.  They head to her high school stadium first since she’s still in high school.  The marching band (all 15 of them) greet him before Kacie B. jumps into Ben’s arms like she’s Jillian Harris.  They eat a picnic in the rain in the bleachers of the stadium that is named after Kacie’s gramps.  They pour wine into paper cups like a couple of teenagers at a football game before heading to meet Kacie’s parents.  Who, oh yeah, they doesn’t drink.  And Ben’s a wine maker.  This should be great!
As they knock on her parents’ door, Ben kicks himself for bringing a bottle of his wine as his gift to the parents who think alcohol is the devil.  They all sit down on one side of the table like they are the Cosby’s.  Before the first bite is in Ben’s mouth, Kacie’s parents start sobbing about how much they’ve missed their baby girl.  So Kacie pulls aside her sister Allison who has to be at least 12 years old to discuss wedding dresses.  Something about Barbie’s wedding to Ken is brought up but I can’t be sure.  Allison is so uncomfortable with Kacie’s cray cray talk of running off with a wine maker.  Someone needs to get this girl a glass of vino- stat!
Ben and bible thumping dad sit down to discuss the “forum” of this show.  Dad takes a minute to pray for Ben while he drones on and on about his feelings for Kacie.  And all the other ladies too.  Ben’s chat with mom turns into a Sunday School lesson.  She lectures Ben about pre-marital sex and cohabiting with Kacie before marriage.  Ben can easily agree with everything mom is saying because he knows Kacie won’t be getting another rose.  Why would he take her on the overnight sex date next week when he knows she won’t be putting out?
Kacie’s dad may not be lots of things and he certainly needs to let his daughter grow up and make her own choices about sex and booze, but he’s probably the smartest parent to ever appear on this show.  After Kacie grows a pair and tells her dad that she’d say yes if Ben asked her to marry him, her dad says he wouldn't give him blessing at this time if he were asked.  He recognizes that they’ve only know each other for 14 minutes.  And also, anyone who makes the devil juice is no good to anyone.
Wait one minute!!!!!  Hold the phone people!!!!  As Ben heads out the door I realize he’s wearing the EXACT SAME OUTFIT HE WORE ON HIS DATE WITH LINDZI!!!!!  WTH?
Next hometown goes to Nicki in Fort Worth, Texas.  She greets Ben wearing the tightest pair of jeans the ABC intern could paint on her and they go shopping for cowboy boots and gear.  This is what she did with the last guy she brought home and she married him afterall!
Ben looks like the biggest dweeb walking down the street in his new western duds.  The locals laugh at him and so do I.  He looks like one of the Little Rascals with his shirt buttoned to his chin and his hair all greasy and long.  They discuss Nicki’s failed marriage (again) before heading off to meet her parents.
OMG- is Ben wearing the SAME jeans again?!?!?
The duo change back into their regular clothes (thank goodness) and head off to meet the fam.  Even though mom and dad are divorced, they sit together because they love their daughter.  I actually like this “normal” family.  Even Nicki appears more “real” in this episode with her junk in the trunk booty and dad who cares so much about her and her well being.  My fingers are crossed for her sake that she doesn’t end up with Ben.  She’d be much better off without him and the trainwreck of the after effects of this show.
The last hometown date is with the ever charming model Courtney in Scottsdale, Arizona.  Ben gets out of the car wearing new pants!  They head right in to her parents’ house of “crazy girls” (I think that’s what her dad calls it).  We meet mom, dad, and sister who is way better looking that Courtney.  They immediately sit down to eat where the whole family discusses Ben like he’s not even sitting right there!  During this time I note a few things:
1.) Scratch what I said earlier about the sister.  She looks like Khole Kardashian.
2.)  Mom’s had a little too much plastic surgery.  I also now know where Courtney gets the baby talk voice.
3.)  I think dad has had a few too many to drink since he doesn’t even bat an eye when Khole busts Courtney for skinny dipping with Ben.
4.) Ben says he is embarrassed that Khole blurted it out because now his mom will know- she was going to find out anyway Ben!
Mom and Courtney baby talk to each other alone in the living room.  No clue what they actually said though because my ears were bleeding.
Ben and Courtney get their alone time after the parent dinner; although, I’m pretty sure it was filmed before but just shown afterwards for some reason.  Anyone else get this feeling?  The duo heads off to have a picnic and for Courtney to profess her like for him.  Wait a minute.... this isn’t like.  This is love!  As in “fake-wedding-just-for-you-and-me” love!  She opens her bag of crazy and pulls out rings, a paper bow tie for Orville Redenbacher, and notebooks for the pair to write their vows to each other in.
Ben: “I’m sitting next to this girl and getting nervous (about a fake wedding!).  What do I like best about her?  She challenges me...”
Translation: “She tells me what to do.”
Ben: “She keeps me on my toes...”
Translation: “She is a ticking time bomb and I never know what I’m gonna get.”
Ben: “She’s funny...”
Translation: “She’s crazy.”
Ben: “She’s confident...”
Translation: “She’s an aggressive bitch.”
Ben: “She’s sexy and beautiful.”
Translation: “I can overlook all her other faults because of her looks.”
A fake minister performs a fake wedding while Courtney chews her fake lip and fakes being in love with Ben.  As Ben reads Courtney his vows, Courtney chews her face off.  She finally admits to Ben that she’s falling in love with him.
Translation:  She doesn’t love him but she wants to win- duh!
The rose ceremony night finally arrives and so does CH!  He and Ben sit down to have a fireside chat about each of the girls and recap what we just watched through hazy slow motion clips of each hometown while Ben’s voiceover shares how he likes them.  Afterall, there are still 20 minutes left and even with lots of ominous music it won’t take that long for CH to count to 3.
The girls arrive and Ben gives the roses to Courtney, Lindzi, and Nicki before sending Kacie B. back to her high school marching band and over protective parents.  She dropped a few f-bombs in the reject limo (what do you think mommy and daddy will say to that?) but otherwise handled herself well.
And that’s where we end week 8 of this journey.  Were you surprised by who he sent packing?  Do you think he made the right choice? Do you think he’s going to boink them all next week?  Do you even care anymore?  Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I will see you next week.  If you need me before then I’ll be off looking for a fake minister and planning my own fake wedding!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Ben Episode 7 Recap

Oh my gosh!  What week are we in?  Is this only the 7th episode?  The show opens with Ben arriving in wherever this week’s perfect spot to fall in love is.
Ben: “I’ve had an unbelievable journey.”
Me: “I can’t believe we’re only 10 seconds in and already the words ‘unbelievable’ and ‘journey’ have already been uttered twice!”
The graphic intern once again shows off his geography skills as the cartoon airplane flies from Panama to Belize.  Ben dons Greg Brady’s stripped tank top to announce he’s the in the perfect place to fall in love.  But he’s not ready to tell anyone that yet.
Me: “Um honey, you just did.”
The ladies arrive via a puddle jumper complete with long scarves and flip cams.  They OMG their way into their hotel suite before CH arrives to show off how the ABC intern finally found a shirt the exact piercing blue color as his eyes.  He drops the first date card and makes like Ke$ha and blows.
1st Date: Lindzi 
“Two halfs (as said by Courtney) make a whole.”
Nicki cries tears of jealousy to the camera as Lindzi applies another coat of spray tan Jersey Shore orange all over her body to get ready for her one on one.  Ben picks her up in a- wait for it- helicopter.  They fly over the ocean and discuss why Ben decided to wear his wife-beater for their date to the “magical” “blue hole.”  They are going to jump from the helicopter into shark infested water and I once again wonder what kind of magic glue these girls use to keep their bikini tops from falling off as they hit the water.  Ben and Lindzi talk about how dangerous the jump is, how they could die, how this “jump” symbolizes their “leap of faith” in their relationship.  Then they jump the 5 feet into the water while both screaming like little girls.  I’m terrified of heights but since I’ve jumped off the high dive at the swimming pool before, even I could have done this.
For the night portion of this date, the two go to a candle lit pier for dinner and “vino.”  I wish I had some “vino” right now...
Back at the hotel, the girls sit around and watch Courtney drink her nightly bottle of wine while chewing her face off when the ABC intern plays knicker-knock on their hotel room door and drops off the next date card.
2nd date: Emily
“Do you Belize in love?”
Courtney declares this is the “worst nightmare” and she just wants to kill herself.  She cries to the camera that Ben is going to get his ass kicked by her for allowing Emily to get a one on one date after being so nasty to her.
Back on Ben’s date with Lindzi, Lindzi tells Ben she’s falling for him and wants to bring him home to meet her family.  This prompts Ben to write a note and put it in a bottle.  Are they stuck on a deserted island?  What am I missing here?  And who drained that huge bottle of vodka in order for them to fill it with their B.S.?
The next day, Ben’s airplane picks up Emily for their date of bike riding.  He meets her at the air strip wearing red swim trunks, no shoes, an olive green v-neck, and a yellow bracelet.  Was his bracelet a Livestrong bracelet?  A beer bracelet?  A WWCHD bracelet?  I wish I knew...  The pair crash a local basketball game and I wonder why no one told Emily to not wear a dress on this date.  Then they go diving for lobsters so they can eat dinner that night before changing into some rad 80’s attire for the night portion of their date.  I have to admit, after their first one on one I was team Emily but their chemistry is a little off and I’m not feeling her tonight.  Plus, she is so pretty and smart, she could do much better on her own, especially after a stint on this show!
3rd date: Courtney
“Let’s take the next steps in our relationship”
A small plane picks Courtney up and takes her to meet Ben in the middle of the forest.  I was hoping they were secluded so Ben could easily dispose of her body but no such luck- they were going to a Mayan temple for a picnic with a tarantula.  Courtney uses the time to complain to Ben how she no longer feels like she’s “winning.”  Duh!  This makes Ben start to sweat buckets.  That or it’s the 100 degree heat and his mop of hair sticking to his neck.  Intern- get this guy a scrunchie!  Ben begs Courtney not to leave without coming right out and telling her she’s getting a rose.
For the night portion of their date, the duo eats poolside and toasts an incredible day and their “renewed spark.”  Courtney then guzzles the whole bottle of wine before chewing her face off so they can make out.
Ben asks Courtney if she gets along with the girls in the house.  Courtney cries that she’s tried to get to know them and be complimentary of them but they refuse to be nice to her or make an effort to get to know her.  She assures Ben that she has a lots of friends though- guy friends- in real life.  These bitches are just boring and vanilla!
Me: “So why have you been trying to win them over then Courtney?  Huh?”
Unfortunately, the only answers I get are Ben’s sweaty forehead and Courtney eating her lip.  But that seems to be the only answers that Ben needs.
4th date: Nicki, Kacie B., and Rachel
“Let’s sea whose family I will meet”
Ben arrives to wake the girls up at 4:00 a.m. for their date.  He totally surprises/scares the shit out of them.  They head out on a boat in the sun and I wonder why he had to pick them up so damn early!  Was it just so the pervert cameraman could get the shots of Nicki shaving her bikini line in the shower and Rachel shaving her pits in the sink?
Ben announces they are going shark diving.  Since Rachel listed sharks as her biggest phobia on her application for the show she is of course on this date.  Kacie B. and Nicki think it’s gonna be great fun to get their legs chewed off though and can’t wait to dive right in!
In Ben’s confessional to the camera he wears his hair like Jerry in the low water pressure episode of Seinfeld and I can’t even tell you what he says because I can only wonder why the hell all these girls are so ga-ga over him.
The girls all get some alone time with Ben to tell him how ready they are to bring him home to their families and they are falling for him.  Ben finally gives the date rose to Kacie B. and assures her that he’ll go home with her next week.
Ben thanks the other two for their honesty as well and this opens the Courtney bashing floodgates we’ve all been waiting for the last 7 weeks.  Ben pretends this bothers him but I really think he’s just wondering how he can now justify keeping Courtney around for the over night dates without looking like a huge horndog.
Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party arrives and Ben is worried about Courtney.  CH shows up to tell the girls that even though he left his butter knife and champagne glass of doom in his hotel room, the rose ceremony is starting immediately.  Oh and by the way, no shoes allowed.
Kacie B. already has a rose.  The other three go to... wait a minute!  Ben wants to talk to Courtney alone first.  Why did he cancel the cocktail party then, I wonder?  Ben pulls Courtney aside to ask her if she’s there for the right reasons.  Of course she swears she’s so honest and in love with him.  Apparently that’s all Ben needs to hear because the pair quickly head back to the other ladies and he rapidly hands out rose to Nicki, Lindzi, and Courtney.  Which means that Rachel and Emily are going home alone.  Well not really Rachel.  She’s going home with Blakely’s huge feather earrings.
So were you surprised at who went home?  Were you surprised to see Courtney stay?  Were you shocked that CH could count to 3?  Who will go home next?  My bet is on Nicki.  Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I’ll meet you back here next week.  If you need me before then I’ll be catching a fast lobster for my dinner.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Ben Episode 6 Recap

First of all, thanks to all who commented last week.  It means a lot to me that you not only read this blog but like it enough to comment on it.  Your thoughts meant more to me than they should have.  Because of them, I am actually excited to write my recap again this week.  So keep your comments coming, let me know how you feel about tonight’s episode, and let’s get to it!
Tonight’s episode opens with a baboon wearing a bikini, Disney’s tree of life, and lots of waterfalls.  The girls arrive in Panama with their flip cams, long scarves, and brightly colored tank tops.  The ABC intern shows off his mad graphic skills with a cartoon airplane flying from Puerto Rico to Panama while the ladies’ voice over says how Panama is the “perfect place to fall in love.”  They arrive at their new digs for the next week- a hotel that looks strangely like Marie’s sculpture statue from Everybody Loves Raymond.  CH is strangely absent.  I give him the mulligan.  Everyone has to sleep one off once in a while.  In his absence, E.L. Fudge himself welcomes the girls to Panama, drops the first date card, and makes like a bee and buzzes off.
First date: Kacie B. “Will Our Love Survive?  Pack three things.”  Kacie B. immediately packs her baton, 30 foot scarf, and Flashdance off the shoulder sweater.  Ben picks her and her Bump-It and her library book bag up for their date to take the 3rd helicopter ride of the season.  They land on a tree filled island and are left just the two of them for the whole day.  Well just the two of them plus the three cameramen and five producers.  They unpack the compare what they each brought.  Kacie B. actually packed a green stuffed animal monkey, a Swiss Army knife, and a bag of candy.  Ben brought a huge ass knife, a fishing net, and matches.  Good thing the cameraman thought to bring a bottle of wine.
Ben and Kacie B. cut down some coconuts, catch a fish, smoke some tree bark, and drink some wine the cameraman was nice enough to share.  After completing this challenge, they are ready for anything their relationship can throw their way.  So a helicopter arrives to whisk them away to the night portion of their date at a fancy hotel.
Kacie B. was so concerned about packing her three things, she forgot to pack the bottom half of her night outfit and one sleeve of her top.  No worries though... Ben’s wearing a pair of cut off jeans and a gray henley.
2nd date card: “Let’s get lost” Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie.  Which means that Blakely and Rachel have the dreaded two on one date.  Blakely has obviously never seen the show because for some reason she’s so excited about going on the two on one date.  The more excited she gets, the more Rachel becomes insecure.
Back on the date, Kacie B. decides it’s time to open up to Ben and share her deepest, darkest secrets with him.  She shares that she had on eating disorder in high school.  Apparently she thought coming on a reality tv show where the producers starve you, fill you up with booze, and make you compete (in a bikini) with 24 other stick thin girls would be a healthy recovery plan.  Also, apparently, girls who have had eating disorders mature faster than their non-eating disorder peers.  That’s why Kacie B. is ready to get married even though she’s only 15.  And Ben LOVES it!
Ben: “The fact that Kacie B. had an eating disorder makes me like her even more.  I love skinny chics!  I’m gonna give her the rose.”
Kacie B. accepts, they loud kiss, Ben wipes the sweat out of his hair, the ABC intern finally brings Ben a towel to dry off and the next thing I know, it’s group date time!
Group date time! Ben picks up the ladies and takes them to a rainforest on a long falic shaped boat.  Ben pretends to be a tour guide while driving the boat through the rain and muddy river water.  They all stalk little naked native boys playing soccer and invade their village before the native women steal away Ben’s ladies and strip them down.  The natives have the girls put on giant beaded necklaces.  Courtney thinks they are bathing suit tops so she removes everything underneath.  The ABC intern responsible for the black modesty bars works overtime to prevent a nip slip while Courtney shakes her ta tas all over Panama.  The local boys and men watch and slobber.
Courtney “marks her territory” by peeing all over Ben while the rest of the girls paint tattoos on each other.
For the night portion of the group date, the girls are allowed to shower off the paint and mud, get dressed, and head back to the hotel for some roof top cocktails.  Lindzi and Ben get some alone time.  They tell each other they like one another, Ben shows off his HUGE watch, and they loud kiss.
Ben pulls Courtney aside, thanks her for her assertiveness, and begs her to continue to do dirty things to get his attention.  She begs him to visit her in her room later.  Ben’s Little General starts to do his thinking and they two start to make out.  Loudly.  Is this dude the loudest kisser ever or what?!?
Jamie is up next for some alone time with Ben.
Jamie: “It was brought to my attention today that I don’t show you enough attention or act enough like I like you.  Do you feel that way too?”
Ben: “Yes.”
Jamie (shocked!): “You do?  Why?”
Ben: “Well seeing this is week six and this is the first conversation we’ve had since you got out of the limo might have something to do with it.  Plus, you need to do more outrageous things like Courtney to keep my attention.”
Jamie: “Well just ignore Courtney getting naked behind me and focus on me droning on and on.  No, no! Don’t look at Courtney masterbating back there!  Look at my stripper heels!  Don’t they count for something?”
Me: “Yes, a free ride to the airport in the reject van.”
Emily gets some alone time next.  She uses it to make fun of the tribe that welcomed them in earlier.  Ben and Emily kiss and Emily then feels the need to run back to Courtney and apologize.  But Courtney is not gonna bend over and take it up the tail pipe (take note Ben!) and proceeds to chew Emily out before the poor girl can even finish saying she’s sorry.
Ben interrupts the cat fight to steal Lindzi away and give her the date rose.  Lindzi accepts and they make out some more.
Somehow Courtney has her own hotel room and has convinced herself that Ben is going to come for a booty call.  She puts on make up and sits beside a five liter jug of coffee to wait up for him.  When he doesn’t show up she cries like the baby she is.  I wonder how long the cameraman had to sit with her and film her doing nothing?
3rd Date: “Save the last dance for me- Ben.” Rachel and Blakely
Ben greets Blakely and Rachel for their two on one date to learn some salsa dancing.  Blakely acts like the stripper that she is the whole date and Rachel acts like a wet blanket, about to burst into tears.  I’m about to burst into tears too- there is still an hour of this left to watch!
These are the date highlights:
1.) Rachel moves like my 94 year old grandma.  And she thinks she’s sexy.
2.) There is no number 4 in Panama.
3.) Blakely forgot the moves to the dance she was taught and starts doing her lap dance moves on Ben instead.  She needs to teach them to Jamie.
For the night part of their date, Ben takes the ladies to an empty resturant for some whine and wine.  He takes Rachel away for some alone time first.  She tells Ben how much she likes him and begs him to keep her over Blakely.  Speaking of Blakely, Ben pulls her aside and she cries again how she “feels” something with Ben.  Oh honey, that’s just the wine talking and your tight shirt belted around your waist that you’re feeling.  Oh wait!  Oh no you didn’t!!  Put that homemade ransom note style scrapbook away!  You aren’t in 7th grade!
Ben finally picks up the rose to put everyone out of their misery.  He offers it to boring Rachel, she accepts, and Blakely stomps off to get her ransom note scrapbook back before climbing aboard the U.S.S. Dumped.
The next day the girls are all sitting around waiting for the cocktail party when in walks CH.  Finally, after an hour and 20 minutes our beautiful host makes his first appearance of the night.  His pupils are dilated; he’s sweating bullets; he looks like he’s about to hurl.  Either he’s coming off his partying high or he’s about to Roz Pappas someone’s ass.  He pulls Casey S. (who?) aside to tell her that he knows she’s still living with her ex-boyfriend Michael.  Casey S. denies it but CH has proof positive and whips out his iPad to show her pictures of the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit.  This whole exchange would have been much more dramatic if 1.) anyone (Ben included) knew who this chic is, 2.) she’s had any chance of making it past the next rose ceremony anyway, and 3.) if she’s even tried to deny her feelings for Michael for more than 30 seconds.  Instead, CH drags her to confess to Ben that she’s doesn’t love him and I respect the mute more than any other girl there.  The most surprising thing about their conversation that pursued was that CH sits in on the whole thing like Casey S.’s dad watching to make sure she apologized to the boy down the street after she pushed him off his bike.
Ben acts like he is in charge of making the decision and tells Casey S. she should go home even though she came to tell him that’s what she was doing.  She walks into the hall with CH and proceeds to ugly cry on his shoulder.  CH comforts her while Ben smells the fart on the balcony.  Casey S. continues to ugly cry in the hallway before CH puts her in the reject van.  Then he returns to tell the girls that Casey S. is gone.  And to hurry up and get ready!  The cocktail party is about to start!
The rose ceremony finally arrives.  Kacie B., Lindzi, and Rachel already have roses.  The other three go to Nicki, Courtney, and Emily.  Which means that Jamie is joining Casey S. and Blakely on the next plane back to the U.S.
So what do you think of the “journey” so far?  I actually respect Casey S.  I’ve lost respect for Ben along the way though.  I’m sick of his pat “There are other girls who I’m farther along in my relationship with than we could ever be” answer to every girl he dumps.  That being said, Jamie needed to go.  Watching her with him was just plain awkward!  What do you think?  Leave your comments below and I’ll see you next week.  If you need me before then, I will be receiving kissing lessons from Jamie.