Ben Episode 9 Recap

Welcome to episode 9 of the Bachelor.  I apologize in advance for how boring this recap will be.  I can only work with what I’m given people!  The show opens with Ben packing his shit in LA.  He leaves the hotel in his BLUE jeans and olive green tee to head off to Switzerland for the last leg of his “journey.”  Afterall, Switzerland is the perfect place to fall in love.  Yay!  The graphic artist is back this week and we get to see a cartoon airplane fly over a map from California to Switzerland.  While Ben’s voice over tells us he’s falling in love with all three of the women left we are treated to 20 minutes of recaps of Ben’s journey with each of the remaining three ladies.

Ben’s first date is with Nicki.  They greet each other in the freezing cold for a picnic after a heli ride around the countryside.  The view is beautiful but Ben’s ugly sweater is so distracting I can barely focus on the gorgeous mountain behind them.

For the night part of their date, Ben takes Nicki to Abe Lincoln’s log cabin (who knew he had a place abroad?).  They drink their over-$20-a-bottle-of-wine and discuss their future.

Nicki: “How many kids do you want?  I want only 2.”

Ben: “My sister and I already discussed this.”

Me: “What does your sister have to do with this?”

Ben: “And we decided that four is the perfect number for each of us.”

Nicki: “Oops- did I say two kids?  I totally meant two times two.  Which equals four.  I want four kids too.  I love you Ben!  Pick me!”

Ben: “Well I’m not sure you are the one but I would like to bang you.  Here’s a card from CH.  Pretend like you don’t know what it’s gonna say before you open it.”

Nicki opens the for-go card, acts like she’s surprised, and admits she can’t wait to run her hands through Ben’s greasy locks in private while practicing making one of those four babies with him.

Next date is with Lindzi.  She’s apparently forgotten her self tanner state side because she’s not as Umpa-Lumpa-ish as normal when she greets Ben in a Jillian Harris jump/leg wrap/hug.  The two hike up a small mountain to repel down the said of said mountain.  I’m terrified of heights.  It’s also apparently cold.  And I hate the cold too.  This doesn’t sound like a fantasy date- it sounds like my worst nightmare!  But Ben and Lindzi do it because how do you know a relationship is strong without doing something stupid together?  They make the 300 foot drop to the bottom and make out.  Then they head to a hot tub to make out a little more.  ABC’s hot tub quota hasn’t been met for this season yet so they are trying to pack it all into one episode.  That’s what you get for casting a flabby pansy for your Bachelor ABC.

For the night part of their date, Lindzi wears an extra long t-shirt and nothing else.  Her self tanner has obviously made it through costumes because she’s back to her normal orange self again.  Ben dons Colonel Sanders bow tie and crimps his hair for their special night.  Lindzi admits that she’s falling in love with Ben.  This causes Ben to whip out the CH invite for a little s-e-x.  Lindzi opens the for-go card, pretends she’s not normally like this but would love to go back to the fantasy suite that Ben banged Nicki in 24 hours previously.  The two head to the sex suite and make out before kicking the cameramen out and doing the nudey-duty.  I hope the maids changes the sheets since Nicki.

Last date goes to Courtney.  Ben greets her wearing a women’s wool coat.  It goes nicely with his women’s hair.  They board a train, which I think is quite fitting, seeing how Courtney’s been aboard the crazy train this whole season.  They get off the train, shop in a market for picnic food and as they walk through the countryside I notice Courtney is a little pigeon-toed.  I also notice she’s full of shit as she tells the camera she hopes the other girls can forgive her for how she’s treated them.  Ben and Courtney eat their picnic and play “Hey Cow!” and I realize these are the most boring over night dates in the history of this show ever!

As Courtney bites her lip and pets her hair she admits to Ben that she had a hard time getting along with the girls in the house.  Ben seems really pissed off by her behavior but before I can congratulate him on finally growing a pair, he’s changing the subject rather than dealing with it head on.  As Courtney fake cries in her confessional, she reminds me of Juliette Martin from CW’s Ringer.  They both are terrible actresses.

For the night part of their date, Ben and Courtney head to a wine cellar to drink away their sorrows in each other and themselves.  Hey, I’m not judging.  I am drinking away my sorrows for watching this show as I write.  

Courtney is back pedaling like mad as she realizes Ben will soon be watching how she treated the other women and how she acted when he wasn’t around.  She uses the acting advice her ex, Jesse Metcalf, gave her and pretends she’s sorry for being such a bitch.  And Ben’s buying it!  He loves her apology so much he’s whipping out the for-go card and unbuttoning his pants right there!  Courtney pretends Ben didn’t take this same “big step” with both Nicki and Lindzi and accepts the sex offer from CH and Ben even though it’s kinda moot- they already did this in Puerto Rico.

Ben is busy smelling the fart on his balcony the next morning, trying to decide which lady he just slept with to break up with when there is a knock on his hotel room door.  I was expecting the date card table but it’s not.  Who could it be?  CH?  Ashely?  Kacie B.?  No, it couldn’t be her.  I’m sure her dad has not ungrounded her yet after the f-bomb she dropped on national tv last week.  But wait!  I’m wrong.  It is the bible thumper’s daughter back to find out what the f-bleep went wrong.  Oh and while she’s there, she might as well throw Courtney under the bus again too.  Her comments about the mean model are all valid but Ben’s not buying it.  Afterall, Courtney apologized to him the night before.

Ben uses The Bachelor’s universal code for “go away” by dropping the “Can I walk you out?” bomb on Kacie B.  As soon as the door is closed behind her, Kacie pulls an Ali and lays down in the hallway of the hotel to cry.  Oh honey.  They’ve already asked Emily to be the next Bachelorette.  Get up, dust yourself off, go back home to daddy, and find a nice preacher’s son to not have sex with until your wedding night.  Believe me, you’ll be much better off than with Ben or this show.

Rose ceremony time finally arrives.  Ben spends a few minutes looking at each girl’s picture before CH finally arrives (1hour and 41 minutes into this trainwreck) to talk some sense into this nitwit.  He helps Ben recap his dates with each girl before going off to practice counting to 2.

The women arrive and Ben hands out the buds to Lindzi and Courtney.  Which means that Nicki gets to ride home on the reject plane with Kacie B.  He offers her the same “Can I walk you out?” cheering up before stuffing her in the back of limo to take her to an airport.  (By the way- what was that black sheet thing in the limo next to her?  Do you think they were hiding a body under that?)

And that’s where we end week 9 of this journey.  What do you think?  Was this the most boring episode of all?  Did Ben make the right choices?  Who do you think will be the final rose receiver in two weeks?  And what was up with the 10 minute Emily preview?  Why did Ali and Ashley have to “teach her the ropes?”  Are they really the best people to take advice from regarding this experience?  Talk about in the comment section and I’ll see ya all back here next week for the WTA.