This week’s show opens up with 30 minutes of previews of what we are about to watch. That and Emily’s mom serving Emily breakfast in bed. What does she need a husband for?!? Doesn’t she realize that no man will make her breakfast in bed???
While Emily and her mom discuss how the filming of this show is having psychological effects on Little Ricki, CH is gathering the men around to show off his new bad boy army coat and once again go over the rules of the next week. He finally drops the first date card and makes like a drum and beats it.
1st Date: Chris
“Love is a steady climb.”
All I can think of is Miley Cyrus’s song “The Climb.” Emily picks him up in her motorcycle tank top to walk around the town before making him climb up the side of a building to eat dinner on the roof. This is the part of the show that Chris shows America his S&M tendencies when he announces how hot Emily looks in a harness. I think he’s just finished reading Fifty Shades of Gray and assumes all women like the whips and chains and shackles. They start the climb up the building and the metaphors of climbing a building being just like starting a relationship begin. Once they get to the top, the thunder starts and instead of getting inside the building like normal people, they drink wine on the roof instead. Emily is totally smitten with the Bobble Head dude. She piles the compliments on him while eating dinner. Or actually while their dinner sits in front of them and gets cold. But Emily is the one to get cold. Cold feet that is when she learns that Chris is only 25. I mean, that is ONE whole year younger than her. He can’t possibly know a thing about being a dad! He feeds her a line about being ready for a family and she buys it and gives him the date rose before dragging him to a Luke Bryan concert in the parking lot of the local Walmart. Not only did he get the first rose, he also got the first kiss.
Back at the mansion, Tony is allowed access to his cell phone to make a call home to his son. The conversation makes Tony super sad. Luckily Duckie arrives with the next date card to lift his spirits!
2nd Date: Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Alessandro, Ryan, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis
“Let’s Play”
Emily meets the men (who are all wearing different colored v-neck t-shirts) barefoot (?) and wearing Daisy Dukes and a maternity shirt that’s cut so low her cleavage is hanging out all over the place. She immediately leaves the men to go get her posse of girlfriends to quiz the guys. Her MILF-y friends are only too eager to make the guys uncomfortable. Let the interviews begin!
“Are you ready to be a dad?”
“Do you see yourself fitting in to Emily’s life?”
“Have you ever cheated on a girl?”
“Did you fertilize this egg by yourself?”
“What is the worst quality about yourself?” (I think the answer to this one was “Being on this show!”)
Emily then blows a whistle and a million little kids come running to invade their date. The men get baby-sitting duty so Emily can sit with her friends and gossip about all the guys. All the girls really like Sean. Especially Wendy. I think she wanted to get with him! The moms go home to their kids and Emily takes the men to a night time party.
Emily pulls Sean aside first. After asking him why his face is so greasy, she grills him about his past relationships and his family. Then she flashes the camera with a great beaver shot. Good thing she remembered to put on the green panties before the date started.
Next, Emily grabs Doug to see if he is more than just a dad. Unfortunately, Doug is just a dad. He spends his time with Emily sharing his tragic past and then talking about his son.
Following the son theme, Tony brings his tears over missing his son to Emily. He also shows off his Bill Cosby sweater. Emily reassures him that it could all be worth it in the end. Even though it’s not going to work out for him, she swears he should hang in there.
While Emily is having fun with all the men inside, Doug and Tony have a little man to man dad talk outside. Doug is totally into Tony and tries to offer him a rose to get him to stay. Unfortunately, CH tells Doug he isn’t allowed to pass out any roses. So the two make out a little before the producers allow Tony access to his cell once more before he has a total mental break down. Tony cries from either too much alcohol, the fact that his is wearing the ugliest sweater ever, or just because he’s a good person and honestly misses his kid. Don’t worry Tony, you’ll get to see Taylor soon enough. You will not be getting the final rose. In fact, Emily will be sending you home immediately. Here’s the reject van right now! Bye-bye!
Now that that mess is out of the way, Emily can freely pass out the date rose to Sean. Anyone else notice how there was a magnet on the rose? I always wondered how she “pinned” them on the guys so quickly!
3rd Date: Arie
“Love is a wild ride.”
Emily picks Arie up in cut off jean shorts and cowboy boots. I’ve also noticed she likes horizontal stripes on her shirts. They fly off to Tennessee to visit Dollywood. ABC has pulled out all the stops and the park is closed down for just the two. And the 20 cameramen. After riding a few roller coasters, Emily and Arie go into a theater to write each other a love song. And who should arrive to surprise them but Dolly herself! She sings her new song while Arie tries his darnedest to dance while Emily keeps muttering how she could die. I feel the same way. I am pretty sure Arie feels that way too but for different reasons than Emily.
For the night part of their date, they keep with the country theme and head to a barn for dinner. Arie admits that his previous girlfriend had two kids that he was like a father figure to. When they broke up he was heartbroken because of the kids. Then Arie keeps it real and questions her about what happened with Brad. I feel like his answers aren’t canned responses or things he thinks she wanted to hear. Emily is impressed with him as well and offers him the date rose.
Rose Ceremony
After letting Little Ricki douse her in perfume, Emily heads over to the mansion wearing a glittery gold dress. She accepts a glass of wine from Ryan and steals Kalon aways for some alone time. Her first question is if he’s really Clark Kent with those glasses. Kalon does not answer her question but also does not let her get a word in. He scolds her for interrupting him and continues to ramble on about how great he is.
Emily then pulls Travis aside to help him murder the stupid egg. They go outside and throw the egg on the driveway. I’m sure it smelled awesome!
Emily continues to pull the guys aside and grill them on how they will be as fathers. I don’t think she is looking for a husband in this whole situation but a father for Little Ricki. Where is CH?!?! Let’s pass out the roses and call it a night already!
Well since CH doesn’t arrive fast enough for Emily to get rid of the men who aren’t ga ga about an automatic family, Emily pulls on her big girl boots (and by big girl boots, I mean her brown Uggs) and ushers Alessandro out before the rose ceremony even starts! No more booze for you ugly Ryan Sutter. Speaking of booze, let me down this margarita and make out with Arie before CH gets here.
Ding ding! Finally, CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom and announces that he has learned to count to ten.
Chris, Sean, and Arie already have roses. The other 10 buds go to:
Duckie
Charlie
Doug
Michael
Travis
Alenjandro
Ryan
John
Kalon
Nate
Which means that Stevie can dance his way into the reject van with Alessandro and Tony. And that’s where we end week three. Do you think these guys are the dullest knives in the Gin-sue kit? Who do you like best so far? Who do you think Emily likes most? At this point my money is on Arie, Jef, and Chris. Leave your amazing and stunning comments in the comment section and I will see you back here next week. If you need me before then , you can find me scolding anyone who doesn’t think my kids are the greatest things ever!
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