Emily Episode 1 Recap

You know you are in for a long season when the first episode hasn’t even started and you are already dreading all the drama it’s sure to bring.  I turned my tv on right at 8:00 and was excited that the show didn’t start till 9:30 for two reasons: 1.) I had an hour and half before having to endure countless recaps of Brad and Emily’s failed relationship and 2.) the show was only going to be 90 minutes vs. the normal 120.  So an hour and a half later, I found myself back in front of the television for this:

Not even 20 seconds into the show, Emily is already pimping out her daughter.  At the 45 second mark she is sharing her sob story of big Ricky proposing to her, dying in a plane wreck, and finding out she’s pregnant.  At the 1:24 mark, we see Emily does not enforce the car seat rule in her gigantic SUV as she drives little Ricki and all her friends around Charlotte.  At 2 minutes 43 seconds we see why Emily is so lonely.  She puts her daughter to bed in the middle of the afternoon and has to rattle around alone in her mansion that has THREE FLOORS (yes, look closely as she ascends the steps.  You will notice another flight of stairs on the second floor which can only lead to a third floor, right?).  By the three minute mark we are re-watching Emily and Brad’s trainwreck.  And by 4:00 she is ready to fall in love again!

CH welcomes us to the new Bachelor pad in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He announces that since he’s now split from his wife, he will be in the running for her hand in marriage this season too!  Then we get to see some of the 25 tools competing for Emily’s heart.  This is my first impression of them:

Kalon- rich, Clark Kent  Luxury Brand Consultant- whatever that means!

Ryan- teaches kids sports at the community rec

Tony- from Beaverton.  Enough said.

Leron- token black guy

David- this season’s Wes Haden.  

Charlie- brain damaged (well duh, aren’t the all on this show?)

Jef- Duckie from Pretty in Pink

Arie- race car driver.  Come on!!!!!

CH welcomes Emily to the mansion and they have a sit down to discuss “where she’s at.”

CH: “So you didn’t want to do this at first.  Why?”

Emily: “Well I have been hurt the two times I’ve been in love.  It’s scary to put myself out there again but then I saw the contract and how much money I will rake in so of course I took the chance!”

CH: “Your first love died tragically.  Tell me about that again.”

Emily: “I don’t want to talk about that anymore Chris.  Tell me about your divorce instead!  Everyone already knows my story.  What happened to you?”

CH: “Um, I think I hear the first limo pulling up.  Let’s go meet these guys!”

Sean- forgettable

David- Vanilla Ice hair

Doug- Brad Womack’s ugly twin; has a son

Jackson-  gets down on his knees for an awkward moment

Joe- yells at her and dances weird

Arie- doesn’t lead off with the fact that he’s a race car driver

Kyle- looks like Lily Aldren’s dad from HIMYM

Chris- has devil eyes

Aaron- love his glasses

Alessando- speaks in foreign language that Emily doesn’t understand.  Tries to pull off the Ryan Sutter long hair but doesn’t.

Jef- arrives via skateboard that he then throws into the bushes.  Also has tall hair.  Is this back in?

Lerone- is turned on by single moms

Stevie- dances with his boom box

Charlie- Seems like a really nice guy

Tony- carries in a glass slipper on a satin pillow.  He didn’t know that Little Ricki wasn’t going to be there.  That or he has a foot fetish.

Randy- dressed as Brittney’s grandma

Nate- forgettable

Brent- wears a nametag

John “Wolf”- other than his name he seems pretty normal

Travis- carries around a giant egg for Aaron’s science experiment.  If he drops it, Emily can send him home immediately.

Michael- asks her to braid his long hair

Jean-Paul- I don’t understand that name at all.  Anyone else have thoughts on it?

Alejandro- Doesn’t speak English but does wear a huge fake diamond in his ear.  Tool!

Ryan- wrote her a note on notebook paper telling her she’s beautiful

Kalon- arrives via helicopter ensuring all the other guys will hate him for the whole show.  He’s this season’s Courtney.

The men have a pissing contest inside while CH and Emily rehash what tools they all are and CH reminds her there will be a first impression rose.  He sends her in to get to know all the guys better.  She promises them this process really does work and no one questions her sincerity even though if it had worked for her she wouldn’t be there.

Chris has brought some voo-doo dolls and asks Emily to play dolls with him.  She does and for some reason this makes him awesome to her.

Duckie and Emily hit it off and I can’t decide if he’s a huge dork or a cool guy.

Doug gives Emily a note from his son.  The note is actually really sweet and makes Emily want to cry.  Who else thinks Doug is the one who really wrote it though?

CH brings the first impression rose in and the boys all get their panties in a knot.  Emily gives it to Doug and asks him to pass it along to his son since his letter is what really won her heart.

CH finally arrives with his butter knife and champagne glass of doom.  Time for the first rose ceremony!  Roses go to:

1.) Doug

2.) Chris

3.) Ryan

4.) Kalon

5.) Arie

6.) Charlie

7.) Jef

8.) Nate

9.) Sean

10.) Joe

11.) Kyle

12.) Aaron

13.) Alejandro

14.) John “Wolf”

15.) Alessando

16.) Michael

17.) Stevie

18.) Tony

19.) Travis

Which means Brent, David, Jean-Paul, Jackson, Lerone, and Randy are heading home in the reject limo.  But wait a minute!  Brent has six kids?!?!  I thought he was joking when he said that earlier.  Where are they?  Do they all have the same mom?  How old is this guy?  Why wasn’t there more info on this?  I’d have to say this is the most interesting thing about the whole episode!  Oh well, he’s going home with the rest of the rejects from the first night.  With that out of the way, this is my early predictions on who will make it far... Kalon (for the drama factor), Arie (my favorite!), and Jef (he’s growing on me).  Who do you think will win her heart?