Welcome back readers. Once again, thanks so much for the comments either here of on my facebook page. This season has (already) been difficult for me to get into. Not sure if it’s because Emily is so bland, CH has lost his magic spark since splitting with his wife, the later time slot, or because this show is simply not as hot as Fifty Shades of Grey. Either way, knowing you come here to read my drivel each week makes it (somewhat) easier to watch this season’s dork parade each Monday evening. So thank you! With that said, let’s get to it!
The show opens with a weird local news station speculating if Emily is filming in Charlotte this season which I found odd because I didn’t know that fact was ever a secret. Emily and Little Ricki meet at a local park for a Mommies and Mimosas playdate. It’s also so Emily can drop Little Ricki off for some free babysitting. While all this is going on, we see that CH’s assistant has proven he’s finally found a shirt the exact color of our beloved host’s eyes as CH welcomes the men to the new bachelor pad and runs down the same rules he’s rattled off for the last 18 seasons. The men yawn and hope they get to sleep sometime soon. CH drops the first date card and makes like Janet Jackson and gets the nip out of there.
1st date: Ryan
“Be my king in the queen city”
Ryan preps for the date by packing his shit and painting on the tightest black v-neck t-shirt. The rest of the guys take advantage of the free booze and pool. Emily doesn’t even brush her hair or change out of her sweatsuit before picking up Ryan at the bachelor pad. She takes him to her mansion and makes him do housework and other chores. I get that because she is a mom that life with her will be domestic. I get that their dates will not always be helicopters and fancy dinners in real life. But who does that in real life anyway? When did this show become reality? Ryan pretends to not be pissed off with the lack of helicopters and Emily shares these words of wisdom with the camera after forcing her date to bake a sheet of cookies for Little Ricki to take to snack time at school the next day: “I know it’s probably too early to tell (geez, ya think? you’ve only spent about 15 minutes with the dude!) but I do know Ryan passed the cookie test.” I don’t think that statement is as dirty as it sounds.
Next, Emily takes Ryan to Little Ricki’s soccer game but makes him wait in the car. She wants to win Mother-of-the-Year award. You know by only watching 2 minutes of her daughter's game. And since she’s so over protective of Little Ricki, she doesn’t want her to meet any dates yet. However, she has no problem letting ABC’s cameramen splash Little Ricki’s daily life all over national TV. Like I said- MOTY!
For the night portion of their date, Emily and Ryan head to Osso for a private dinner. Ryan is nice enough to take his huge wad of gum out of his mouth long enough to gulp his wine and answer Emily’s interview questions. I’m not really sure what his answers were though because their date was so boring I might have fallen asleep for a bit. He didn’t bore Emily though because she gives him the date rose and the first kiss/peck of the season! Then she takes him to a concert of her favorite band. Ryan pretends to know who the heck Gloriana is and they awkward dance in front of tens of people.
2nd Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John (what happened to the “Wolf”?), Jef/Duckie, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie, and Kalon
“Let’s set the stage for love.”
Emily takes the 25 men to a theater and puts them to work raising money for her 1st (dead) finance’s charity. Then she introduces the men to the Muppets. Some of the guys have to learn a dance, some a song, and the rest have to perform stand up comedy. The thought alone of having to be funny puts Charlie over the edge. He invades Emily’s dressing room to tell her he can’t speak well because of his accident so Emily gives him a song to sing instead. Not sure how that’s any different since its’ still all language but what do I know about how to find true love? I’ve only been engaged once!
Here are the highlights of the show: Emily gets kinky with a puppet, we see Kermit get his 1st hard on, CH is back already (I guess now that he doesn’t have a wife to get home to he can actually do more for the show than subtract one from any number), the guys dance like stiffs, the other guys demonstrate how unfunny they are with their comedy skills, and Miss Piggy conducts a cross between The Dating Game and a late night talk show with three of the dudes.
Dude who I don’t know: “Roses are red, violets are blue. Emily, I want to screw you.”
Duckie: “Miss Piggy, will you share the rest of your life with me?”
Charlie: “I know I said I didn’t know how to talk but I’m gonna say something really sweet now and win everyone over.”
Then Emily drags Little Ricki up on the stage to sing with Kermie. She’s doing a great job of not putting her in the spot light. Then she pretends that Little Ricki has a clue who the Muppets even are and mutters something about the day being one Little Ricki will never forget. I mumble to the tv that of course the poor child won’t ever forget it. It’s been recorded for her entire jr. high school to torment her about in 7 years! Geez!
The after party begins by Chris pulling Emily aside. He left his voodoo dolls at home and instead decides to schmooze her with.... um, what did he do to make her ga-ga?
Then Emily sits down with Duckie. Her body language says she’s not into him but she admits that she likes him but he’s not giving her the right signals. Note to guys- riding a skateboard a la Michael J. Fox in Back To The Future from 27 years ago is NOT the way to win a woman over! Duckie promises her that he’ll fight Andrew McCarthy for her hand if it comes down to it. She seems satisfied and moves on to let down Stevie. But Kalon cuts in to show off his Cam Tucker shirt. But two minutes later, Aaron cuts in. This creates drama between Stevie and Kalon for some reason. I don’t think I’m drunk enough to follow the whole fight. Before I can wrap my brain around it all, Emily sweeps in and passes out the date rose to Duckie. Yay- this nerd is really growing on me. Team Duckie!
3rd Date: Joe
“Come close to my heart.”
Emily picks Joe up for their date in a limo to whisk him away to a private airplane. They fly off to West Virginia, Emily’s home state. They go to a fancy resort for swimming in a 100 year old pool. For the night portion of their date, they go to dinner at the resort with Emily dressed like a feather duster. But Emily isn’t attracted to Joe and isn’t feeling it. Or maybe she doesn’t like his long greasy hair. One can never be too sure. No rose for you Joe (as said in the voice of the soup Nazi. hey, wouldn’t that be super cool if they hired him to say that to the men who don’t get roses each week?). Sorry Joe, the Love Clock has just clock blocked you. But I’ll watch these fireworks alone and ugly cry while Guido takes your suitcases from the bachelor pad and the reject van hauls you to the airport.
Rose ceremony time! Emily makes a speech about cutting Joe loose. Then she and Arie (another one of my favorites and I think her’s too) get some alone time together. He proves once again that he’s a normal cool guy. What’s he doing on this show?!?!
Ryan also gets some more alone time with Emily and presents her with an 18 page letter her wrote to her. Eighteen pages! FRONT AND BACK!!!! He also makes Tony stand in the corner and listen to Emily read it aloud for the next 60 minutes. Where the hell is CH when you need him to shout out, “No one puts Tony in the corner” or bang on his champagne class of doom? Finally CH does arrive and puts an end to the painful to watch cocktail party. He brings out the buds, retreats to the corner to practice counting to 14, and Emily starts off. Duckie and Ryan already have roses. The other 14 go to:
Kalon
Arie
Michael
Nate
Sean
Chris
Doug
Travis (who?)
Tony
John no longer Wolf
Alessandro
Charlie
Alejandro
Stevie
Which means that Aaron and Kyle are joining Joe in the reject limo. And that’s where we end week two. What do you think? Would you rather watch paint dry than boring Emily with her parade of dorks? Do you think Kalon is as terrible as he appears? When will Emily give CH a rose? Is she only keeping Alessandro and Alejandro both around because she doesn’t know who is who? Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I’ll see you back here next week! In the meantime, I will be fighting Miss Piggy for Kermit’s attention.
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