Ashley Episode 3 Recap

Episode 3 opens with CH welcoming the remaining men and the masked freak to week 3 of the train wreck wearing his zip up sweatshirt and jeans. He wastes no time with the pleasantries and after explaining the rules of the game for the 100th time, he drops the date card on the coffee table and makes like Janet Jackson and nips out.

1st Date: Ben C. “Love Strikes in a Flash.” Ashley arrives at the mansion wearing my disco party off the shoulder shirt to pick up Ben C. to take him dancing. Because, you know, she’s the next Tenley. They make up a dance my 6 year old daughter and her friends could have put together in my front yard. Then they start a flash mob to dance the dance that she taught him before. A little Far East Movement is all it takes for Ben C. to decide he wants to marry Ashley. That and 100 strangers dancing with them. He sums it up well when he admits to the camera that this is the most “ridiculous first date” he’s ever been on. Amen Ben C. Amen.

Ashely: “If I had any doubts about Ben’s dancing abilities, they’ve definitely been put to rest.” I laugh as she says this. Is this really her criteria for marriage? If so, I better find myself a good divorce attorney. Who cares that it’s been 11 years? Oh and by the way, who else thought that the lead singer of FEM was a woman?

Ashely changes into my beach cover up for dinner and goes with Ben C. to some hotel’s roof top pool. They discuss what they are looking for in love.

Ben C.: “I want to live in a bubble with the person I’m in love with!”

Ashley: “What do you mean by that?”

Ben C.: “Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode with the bubble boy? That’s what I want. Moops!”

Ashley: “Me too! Will you accept this rose?”

Ben C.: “Of course!”

They seal the deal with a kiss.

Date 2: Ames, Ben F., Blake, Jeff, Lucas, Chris D., Nick, Ryan, William, Bentley. “Make Me Laugh.”

The Phantom of the Opera waits for Ashley to arrive on the balcony. Once she gets there she asks him to throw down his hair and he does. They have a talk where The Mask decides to rid himself of his freak flag and take off his mask. Ashley bites her lip to keep from laughing as Zorro removes his mask.

The group leaves for The Comedy Club to perform stand up comedy for Ashley via a roast. I know she wasn’t ABC’s first choice (as we’ll soon see she’s not the bachelors’ first choice either) but I think it’s a little cruel of the producers to make her sit through this.

The roast master, Jeffrey Ross arrives and the guys all go nuts over him. The wine maker/Crosby look alike/Constantine’s twin sums him up best.

Ben F.: “He does all the great roasts. Pam Anderson, David Hasselhoff, all those others from Bay Watch.”

The guys all sit down to write their jokes about each other and Ashley and I get up to get a glass of wine. I’m gonna need it to get through the next hour and a half of this snore fest!

Lucas (who?) is up first. He makes a joke about her huge forehead which endears me to him right away. The rest of the guys parade through the microphone and make fun of each other while playing it safe with Ashley. Except for Prince William who makes fun of Ashley for having small boobs and losing to Brad. The truth really hurts and it makes Ashley cry. The perfect opportunity for Bentley to comfort her. He feeds her some bullshit which she eats up like ice cream before telling the camera that Bentley makes her feel safe.

At the after party, Ashley arrives crying about the fact that they hurt her feelings. During a roast. And hopefully she was also crying because the ABC intern could only find Danny Zuko’s black leather jacket for her wear when she told him she was cold. Prince William feels like shit for calling her out on her small boobs and not being Emily and pulls her aside to apologize.

Prince William: “I wasn't even thinking about you. I just wanted to make people laugh. Please excuse my tears as I cry like a 5 year old girl. I’m sorry.” He takes off to cry some more in private.

Ashley sits down to talk to the other guys and luckily for her, she has the Masked Man to help raise her spirits.
Jeff: “So I have a 3 legged dog.”

Ashley: (laughing) “This is great! Why didn’t you use this at the comedy club?”

Jeff: “No. I’m serious. I adopted him.”

The producers decide to show Prince William running down the street so we don’t have to watch 1.) Ashley laughing at Jeff and 2.) Jeff continuing to talk. Good move producers.

Finally Ryan pulls Ashley aside to give her what she wants. Affirmation that he wants her here. And he wants the date rose. They kiss and Ashley is finally pulled out of her funk. She gives him the date rose to thank him.

But first she decides to confront Bentley and his true intentions. She calls him out on the warning Crazy Michelle sent her about him about him only being there to promote something. Bentley doesn't answer her question other than vague reassurances that he doesn't have any hit songs about love not coming easy. Then he asks her to bury her head in his armpit while he pets her head. Ashley likes it!

The next morning we get to witness Ashely walking in the mist while fantasizing about running off to marry Bentley and his other 6 wives in Salt Lake City when ding-dong. Who’s at the door? Why, speak of the devil! It’s the devil himself! He feeds her the line that he misses his daughter. And that he has to return Jake’s plaid flannel shirt to him. He feels bad but at least his hair looks good. And yes. Yes, his hair does look good. If he were trying out to be the blond Ronald McDonald.

The ABC intern gives him a lift to Ashley’s place where we hear for the 99th time that Bentley wishes she was Emily. She cries, he makes excuses, her mascara runs, the cameraman walks by in the kitchen after setting up his camera on a tri-pod (or maybe it was the ghost from Three Men and a Baby), Bentley pimps out his daughter for his own agenda. Ashley is very sad about Bentley leaving but she is still able to continually “fix” her hair. There was a lot of crying and a lot of snot. And a lot of bull shit. Bentley is a great catch! I’m so glad he dumped Ashley so now I can pursue him. Or dot, dot, dot. Because a dot is better than a period. But nothing is better than a big purple comforter. By the way, who was she talking to in that bed? Do you think CH was under those covers? Probably not because I don’t think there would be tears if that was the case, right? Or wishes for a happy ending.

Date 3: J.P. “There Is No Place Like Home.”

Ashley dons her jeggings and 1980’s white blouse to prepare for J.P.’s date. She wipes the snot off her face while staring into the fire.

J.P. tells her he’s sorry that Bentley went home while Ashley shoves food into her mouth. She talks with her mouth full to tell him that he’s great.

J.P. “No, you’re great!”

Ashely: “You are great!”

J.P. “No you!”

Ashley: “You!”

They change into their PJs. Actually, J.P. changes into my 3 year old son’s pajamas. They sit in front of the fire and J.P. listens to her cry about Bentley leaving for the 50th time. Then she finally gives him the date rose that he clearly earned.

Rose Ceremony

Once again the rain is pouring down as Ashley steps out of the limo in her Amanda Woodward dress of diamonds. She is so focused on Bentley that she goes to cry to his picture before placing it face down.

CH arrives in the deliberation room for a sit down.

CH: “Wow- isn’t it a relief that the douch bag is finally gone?”

Ahsley (crying): “What do you mean, Chris?”

CH: “Bentley. The guy has a dumb name and his daughter has an even dumber name!”

Ashley: “He was my soul mate. Don’t talk about him like that.”

CH: “Are we talking about the same guy here Ashley? He is a total jerk!”

Ashely: “But I like him. I really like him-like him even.”

CH: “Oh stop your whining. You were warned by Crazy Michelle about him from the get go.”

Ashley: “She’s not crazy Chris. Did you see the braided bangs she patented?”

CH: “He was just here to promote his business Ashley.”

Me: “What business was he promoting exactly? I don’t even know what this guy does.”

CH: “Come on Ash. Suck it up and get out there to pass out the roses. I can’t sit here and listen to you cry anymore. I’ve got to go practice counting to 9.”

Ashley arrives to pass out the roses, but first she makes her speech the producers wrote for her a few minutes before.

Ashley: “Sorry for taking so long guys. I am still crying over the roast and the mean things you all said about me not being Emily. To compensate for it and hopefully make some of you still want to stick around, I got a wrist tattoo just like hers. But then Bentley left and it drained me. I didn’t think we should have a cocktail party tonight because I don’t think I can pretend to care about you guys for even an hour. So I’m just gonna pass out the rest of these roses to the guys the producers picked for me to have stick around for comedy/drama value. Except you Jeff. Since you’ve taken that stupid mask off you have no draw anymore. With that being said, here goes dot, dot, dot.”

Roses go to:

• Ryan
• Ben C.
• J.P.
• Constantine
• West
• Mickey
• Orville Reddenbaucher
• Blake
• Nick
• Harry Connick Jr.
• Lucas (serious, who?)
• Prince William

Which means that going home in the reject van with Bentley is The Mask and Chris.

So that’s it folks. What did you think of tonight’s episode? Was Bentley producer contrived or is he really a jerk? Did Ashley cut her bangs just so she could braid them? Why did Jeff have to throw his mask into the fire? Doesn’t he realize he will need that if he ever wants to show his face in public again? Leave your comments below and I will see you all next week!