Ashley Episode 2 Recap

Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part the cheesy Vegas cliches and the word “journey.” Let’s get right to it!

CH, wearing a smokey blue button down, welcomes the 18 “men” who made the cut last week to the mansion.

CH: “Let me explain what's going on. Each week you will go on dates with Ashely. Some will be group dates, some will be individual dates. I know some of you thought this was a J Crew ad audition. Some of these dates will have roses but some of you will not get a rose. Like you, the freak with the mask. You will be going home.” Then he drops the first date card and makes like Ke$ha and blows the place.

1st Date: Prince William “Wanna Make a Splash in Vegas? I do...”

Ashley’s stunt double drives the car to the mansion (her legs aren’t long enough to reach the pedals) to pick up the Prince before taking him to Jake’s airplane to be flown to Vegas.

Back at the mansion, Harry Connick Jr. and the Hamburglar (WTF? Is this guy STILL wearing the damn mask?!?!) have a sit down to discuss Ashley.

HC Jr.: “It’s 90 degrees. Do you wish you wore a white mask?”

Hamburglar: “The mask isn’t so hot actually. It’s this damn wool hat I’m wearing that is making me sweat. I think I will take off the hat on my first date with Ashley. The mask will come off on our wedding night.”

Meanwhile, back on their date, the Prince and Ashley have to deal with the pap, pap, paparazzi. Luckily, the Prince is used to it since his mom died after being chased by them. However, he’s not used to feeding girls wedding cake on their first date though. These two play house and pretend wedding. It’s so cheesy and uncomfortable. I really feel sorry for the Prince. And my 6 year old daughter who would have LOVED to play this game with Ashley. They continue the charade/game of Wedding Chicken but Ashley is the one to call “uncle.” After tricking the Prince into saying “I do,” Ashley drops the “yeah, I’m just foolin’” card on him but tells him it was the best first date ever! Seriously, even better than the creepy fake carnival first date with Emily’s ex.

Ashley trades her mini white dress for Alex Owens’s large, off the shoulder welding shirt. She can’t find her pants so she throws a belt around her waist and pretends it’s a dress before dashing out to dinner with the Prince. They go to eat in the middle of a pond. To get to their floating table, they have to paddle a giant birthday cake with candles. The producers manage to get The Girls Next Door to drop by the set and scream “We love you Ashley” in which she replies, “Yeah, I know...”

After dinner, the Prince prematurely plays the “my dad died” card. He explains how he died from alcohol as Ashley uses hand signals to tell the ABC intern who is swimming across the water with the champagne bottle in his mouth to stop and she spits out her cocktail in the water while trying to look sad. I think he should have led with the story of his mom’s loveless marriage to Charles and her untimely death due to the London paparazzi. However, Danny Downer really makes Ashley cry with the story of his watch stopping at the exact minute his dad died story instead. Which somehow closes the deal with Ashley so she gives him the rose and they kiss as the fountains explode around them. Imagery? Oh yeah!

2nd Date: Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames. “In Sin City, Boys Will Be Boys. Except when they dress up like faceless men in tights. Then they will just be gay.”

The guys fly to Vegas to meet a hicked out Ashley and watch a weird techno dance with masked men, a la Phantom of the Opera. I wonder why Jeff wasn’t on this date. Somehow, all the “straight” men on the date are so “into” the show, they don’t even notice that Ashley has slipped away till she appears on stage in her cute little sports bra.

Then Ashley divides the guys into two groups to choreograph their own dance to be judged. The group that “wins” gets to stay and dance live on stage. The other group has to go back to LA.

Both teams make up an elementary school talent show worthy dance routine before Team A “wins.” Team B packs their shit and heads back to LA. Or the craps table where I’m sure CH is downing gin and tonics.

Team A gets ready for their live performance so they can then go get drunk on the roof of some Vegas hotel. The dentist is the first to pull Ashley aside. They talk about teeth for a couple of minutes before West interrupts to tell Ashley about how he killed his first wife his first wife died.

Bentley admits to the camera that he thinks Ashley has a great ass, smokin’ legs, she’s cute, and nice but that he’s not into her. He is however, competitive and will do whatever to “win” so he pulls her aside to schmooze her by being dickish. She loves it though and begs him to stay.

Even though Ashley started the date by saying she wanted one on one time with each of the guys and we’ve only seen her sit down with 3, the ABC intern gives her the “wrap it up” signal and she gives the date rose to Bentley.

3rd Date: Mickey and J.P. “Love Is A Gamble. I’ll See One Of You In Vegas.” There is a coin toss to decide who gets the one on one. And in a nauseating theme for the rest of the date, Mickey wins the coin toss. He spends the next three hours gelling his hair and putting in his blue colored contacts before jetting off to meet Ashley in Vegas.

They head to a wine bar and flip a coin to see if they’ll be drinking red or white (white), who will repel to get the wine (Ashley), who controls how fast she goes up (Mickey), and how stupid this date is turning out to be (very).

They play a stupid coin involved game of truth or date while drinking their wine that I so wanted a few sips of. Mickey shares that he’s an only child which causes Ashley to shake him for no apparent reason. Then he tells her that his mom died. I’m beginning to wonder if having a deceased parent was a must to get on this season.

Ashley doesn’t want to give Mickey the rose but so that she isn’t the bad guy for sending home the guy who just confessed to having a dead mom, she suggests they continue to play “flip a coin” to decide if he can stay or not. Mickey is pissed (as he should be) but he wins the toss and pretends like it doesn’t bother him as Ashley pretends she was going to keep him all along anyway. They walk to a “beach” and Colbi Caillot starts their own private concert. I’m betting she would have sang for CH if Mickey’d lost the last coin toss.

Rose Ceremony night arrives (finally) with a thunderstorm and somber guys, all worried about getting a rose.

J.P. steals her away before she has a chance to even get a drink and tells her he’s tossing a coin to win a kiss. He wins the toss, Ashley grabs his face and starts to make out with him while he sits there like a log.

Ashley talks to some of the other douchbags as we see the Hamburgular smelling his pits a la Mary Kate before telling the camera he’s gonna reveal himself to Ashley tonight. And here I thought this a was PG show! He pulls her into the stairwell that Roz and the cameraman did the nasty in to talk. He’s about to pull off the mask when Matt interrupts.

Bentley realizes he’s not in the lead after talking to some of the other guys. So even though he’d rather be “swimming in pee” than planning a wedding with Ashley, he decides it’s time to “ram his tongue down her throat.” His words. No joke. He picks her up like she’s Cozy and carries her to the fireplace. I fully expect him to toss her in and laugh while she burns but instead they make out while he holds her on his lap.

Finally, CH arrives to earn his paycheck by banging on the champagne glass of doom with a butter knife before whisking Ashley away to NOT tell her what an ass Bentley is and to practice counting to 12.

Prince William, Bentley, and Mickey already have roses. The rest go to:

• West
• Constantine (Crosby from Parenthood)
• Ryan P.
• Ben C.
• Ames (Harry Connick Jr.)
• Lucas (who is this guy?)
• Jeff (the Mask)
• J.P.
• Chris
• Ben F. (Constantine’s twin)
• Blake (the third Stagliano brother)

Which means that going home is:

• Stephen (Constantine’s other twin)
• Matt (the mama’s boy)
• Ryan M. (Freddy from iCarly)

So who do you think is a front runner at this point? Will Ashley realize Bentley is a jerk next week? Will the Mask finally crap on camera next week? Who do you think is on this amazing journey for the right reasons? Talk amongst yourselves in the comments and I’ll be back next week!