Emily Episode 3 Recap

This week’s show opens up with 30 minutes of previews of what we are about to watch.  That and Emily’s mom serving Emily breakfast in bed.  What does she need a husband for?!?  Doesn’t she realize that no man will make her breakfast in bed???

While Emily and her mom discuss how the filming of this show is having psychological effects on Little Ricki, CH is gathering the men around to show off his new bad boy army coat and once again go over the rules of the next week.  He finally drops the first date card and makes like a drum and beats it.

1st Date: Chris

“Love is a steady climb.”

All I can think of is Miley Cyrus’s song “The Climb.”  Emily picks him up in her motorcycle tank top to walk around the town before making him climb up the side of a building to eat dinner on the roof.  This is the part of the show that Chris shows America his S&M tendencies when he announces how hot Emily looks in a harness.  I think he’s just finished reading Fifty Shades of Gray and assumes all women like the whips and chains and shackles.  They start the climb up the building and the metaphors of climbing a building being just like starting a relationship begin.  Once they get to the top, the thunder starts and instead of getting inside the building like normal people, they drink wine on the roof instead.  Emily is totally smitten with the Bobble Head dude.  She piles the compliments on him while eating dinner.  Or actually while their dinner sits in front of them and gets cold.  But Emily is the one to get cold.  Cold feet that is when she learns that Chris is only 25.  I mean, that is ONE whole year younger than her.  He can’t possibly know a thing about being a dad!  He feeds her a line about being ready for a family and she buys it and gives him the date rose before dragging him to a Luke Bryan concert in the parking lot of the local Walmart.  Not only did he get the first rose, he also got the first kiss.

Back at the mansion,  Tony is allowed access to his cell phone to make a call home to his son.  The conversation makes Tony super sad.  Luckily Duckie arrives with the next date card to lift his spirits!

2nd Date: Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Alessandro, Ryan, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis

“Let’s Play”

Emily meets the men (who are all wearing different colored v-neck t-shirts) barefoot (?) and wearing Daisy Dukes and a maternity shirt that’s cut so low her cleavage is hanging out all over the place.  She immediately leaves the men to go get her posse of girlfriends to quiz the guys.  Her MILF-y friends are only too eager to make the guys uncomfortable.  Let the interviews begin!

“Are you ready to be a dad?”

“Do you see yourself fitting in to Emily’s life?”

“Have you ever cheated on a girl?”

“Did you fertilize this egg by yourself?”

“What is the worst quality about yourself?”  (I think the answer to this one was “Being on this show!”)

Emily then blows a whistle and a million little kids come running to invade their date.  The men get baby-sitting duty so Emily can sit with her friends and gossip about all the guys.  All the girls really like Sean.  Especially Wendy.  I think she wanted to get with him!  The moms go home to their kids and Emily takes the men to a night time party.  

Emily pulls Sean aside first.  After asking him why his face is so greasy, she  grills him about his past relationships and his family.  Then she flashes the camera with a great beaver shot.  Good thing she remembered to put on the green panties before the date started.  

Next, Emily grabs Doug to see if he is more than just a dad.  Unfortunately, Doug is just a dad.  He spends his time with Emily sharing his tragic past and then talking about his son.  

Following the son theme, Tony brings his tears over missing his son to Emily.  He also shows off his Bill Cosby sweater.  Emily reassures him that it could all be worth it in the end.  Even though it’s not going to work out for him, she swears he should hang in there.

While Emily is having fun with all the men inside, Doug and Tony have a little man to man dad talk outside.  Doug is totally into Tony and tries to offer him a rose to get him to stay.  Unfortunately, CH tells Doug he isn’t allowed to pass out any roses.  So the two make out a little before the producers allow Tony access to his cell once more before he has a total mental break down.  Tony cries from either too much alcohol, the fact that his is wearing the ugliest sweater ever, or just because he’s a good person and honestly misses his kid.  Don’t worry Tony, you’ll get to see Taylor soon enough.  You will not be getting the final rose.  In fact, Emily will be sending you home immediately.  Here’s the reject van right now!  Bye-bye!

Now that that mess is out of the way, Emily can freely pass out the date rose to Sean.  Anyone else notice how there was a magnet on the rose?  I always wondered how she “pinned” them on the guys so quickly!

3rd Date:  Arie

“Love is a wild ride.”

Emily picks Arie up in cut off jean shorts and cowboy boots.  I’ve also noticed she likes horizontal stripes on her shirts.  They fly off to Tennessee to visit Dollywood.  ABC has pulled out all the stops and the park is closed down for just the two.  And the 20 cameramen.  After riding a few roller coasters, Emily and Arie go into a theater to write each other a love song.  And who should arrive to surprise them but Dolly herself!  She sings her new song while Arie tries his darnedest to dance while Emily keeps muttering how she could die.  I feel the same way.  I am pretty sure Arie feels that way too but for different reasons than Emily.  

For the night part of their date, they keep with the country theme and head to a barn for dinner.  Arie admits that his previous girlfriend had two kids that he was like a father figure to.  When they broke up he was heartbroken because of the kids.  Then Arie keeps it real and questions her about what happened with Brad.  I feel like his answers aren’t canned responses or things he thinks she wanted to hear.  Emily is impressed with him as well and offers him the date rose.  

Rose Ceremony

After letting Little Ricki douse her in perfume, Emily heads over to the mansion wearing a glittery gold dress.  She accepts a glass of wine from Ryan and steals Kalon aways for some alone time.  Her first question is if he’s really Clark Kent with those glasses.  Kalon does not answer her question but also does not let her get a word in.  He scolds her for interrupting him and continues to ramble on about how great he is.

Emily then pulls Travis aside to help him murder the stupid egg.  They go outside and throw the egg on the driveway.  I’m sure it smelled awesome!

Emily continues to pull the guys aside and grill them on how they will be as fathers.  I don’t think she is looking for a husband in this whole situation but a father for Little Ricki.  Where is CH?!?!  Let’s pass out the roses and call it a night already!

Well since CH doesn’t arrive fast enough for Emily to get rid of the men who aren’t ga ga about an automatic family, Emily pulls on her big girl boots (and by big girl boots, I mean her brown Uggs) and ushers Alessandro out before the rose ceremony even starts!  No more booze for you ugly Ryan Sutter.  Speaking of booze, let me down this margarita and make out with Arie before CH gets here.

Ding ding!  Finally, CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom and announces that he has learned to count to ten.

Chris, Sean, and Arie already have roses.  The other 10 buds go to:

Duckie

Charlie

Doug

Michael

Travis

Alenjandro

Ryan

John

Kalon

Nate

Which means that Stevie can dance his way into the reject van with Alessandro and Tony.  And that’s where we end week three.  Do you think these guys are the dullest knives in the Gin-sue kit?  Who do you like best so far?  Who do you think Emily likes most?  At this point my money is on Arie, Jef, and Chris.  Leave your amazing and stunning comments in the comment section and I will see you back here next week.  If you need me before then , you can find me scolding anyone who doesn’t think my kids are the greatest things ever!

Emily Episode 2 Recap

Welcome back readers.  Once again, thanks so much for the comments either here of on my facebook page.  This season has (already) been difficult for me to get into.  Not sure if it’s because Emily is so bland, CH has lost his magic spark since splitting with his wife, the later time slot, or because this show is simply not as hot as Fifty Shades of Grey.  Either way, knowing you come here to read my drivel each week makes it (somewhat) easier to watch this season’s dork parade each Monday evening.  So thank you!  With that said, let’s get to it!

The show opens with a weird local news station speculating if Emily is filming in Charlotte this season which I found odd because I didn’t know that fact was ever a secret.  Emily and Little Ricki meet at a local park for a Mommies and Mimosas playdate.  It’s also so Emily can drop Little Ricki off for some free babysitting.  While all this is going on, we see that CH’s assistant has proven he’s finally found a shirt the exact color of our beloved host’s eyes as CH welcomes the men to the new bachelor pad and runs down the same rules he’s rattled off for the last 18 seasons.  The men yawn and hope they get to sleep sometime soon.  CH drops the first date card and makes like Janet Jackson and gets the nip out of there.

1st date: Ryan

“Be my king in the queen city”

Ryan preps for the date by packing his shit and painting on the tightest black v-neck t-shirt.  The rest of the guys take advantage of the free booze and pool.  Emily doesn’t even brush her hair or change out of her sweatsuit before picking up Ryan at the bachelor pad.  She takes him to her mansion and makes him do housework and other chores.  I get that because she is a mom that life with her will be domestic.  I get that their dates will not always be helicopters and fancy dinners in real life.  But who does that in real life anyway?  When did this show become reality?  Ryan pretends to not be pissed off with the lack of helicopters and Emily shares these words of wisdom with the camera after forcing her date to bake a sheet of cookies for Little Ricki to take to snack time at school the next day: “I know it’s probably too early to tell (geez, ya think?  you’ve only spent about 15 minutes with the dude!) but I do know Ryan passed the cookie test.”  I don’t think that statement is as dirty as it sounds.

Next, Emily takes Ryan to Little Ricki’s soccer game but makes him wait in the car.  She wants to win Mother-of-the-Year award.  You know by only watching 2 minutes of her daughter's game.  And since she’s so over protective of Little Ricki, she doesn’t want her to meet any dates yet.  However, she has no problem letting ABC’s cameramen splash Little Ricki’s daily life all over national TV.  Like I said- MOTY!

For the night portion of their date, Emily and Ryan head to Osso for a private dinner.  Ryan is nice enough to take his huge wad of gum out of his mouth long enough to gulp his wine and answer Emily’s interview questions.  I’m not really sure what his answers were though because their date was so boring I might have fallen asleep for a bit.  He didn’t bore Emily though because she gives him the date rose and the first kiss/peck of the season!  Then she takes him to a concert of her favorite band.  Ryan pretends to know who the heck Gloriana is and they awkward dance in front of tens of people.

2nd Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John (what happened to the “Wolf”?), Jef/Duckie, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie, and Kalon

“Let’s set the stage for love.”

Emily takes the 25 men to a theater and puts them to work raising money for her 1st (dead) finance’s charity.  Then she introduces the men to the Muppets.  Some of the guys have to learn a dance, some a song, and the rest have to perform stand up comedy.  The thought alone of having to be funny puts Charlie over the edge.  He invades Emily’s dressing room to tell her he can’t speak well because of his accident so Emily gives him a song to sing instead.  Not sure how that’s any different since its’ still all language but what do I know about how to find true love?  I’ve only been engaged once!

Here are the highlights of the show:  Emily gets kinky with a puppet, we see Kermit get his 1st hard on, CH is back already (I guess now that he doesn’t have a wife to get home to he can actually do more for the show than subtract one from any number), the guys dance like stiffs, the other guys demonstrate how unfunny they are with their comedy skills, and Miss Piggy conducts a cross between The Dating Game and a late night talk show with three of the dudes.

Dude who I don’t know: “Roses are red, violets are blue.  Emily, I want to screw you.”

Duckie: “Miss Piggy, will you share the rest of your life with me?”

Charlie: “I know I said I didn’t know how to talk but I’m gonna say something really sweet now and win everyone over.”

Then Emily drags Little Ricki up on the stage to sing with Kermie.  She’s doing a great job of not putting her in the spot light.  Then she pretends that Little Ricki has a clue who the Muppets even are and mutters something about the day being one Little Ricki will never forget.  I mumble to the tv that of course the poor child won’t ever forget it.  It’s been recorded for her entire jr. high school to torment her about in 7 years!  Geez!

The after party begins by Chris pulling Emily aside.  He left his voodoo dolls at home and instead decides to schmooze her with.... um, what did he do to make her ga-ga?

Then Emily sits down with Duckie.  Her body language says she’s not into him but she admits that she likes him but he’s not giving her the right signals.  Note to guys- riding a skateboard a la Michael J. Fox in Back To The Future from 27 years ago is NOT the way to win a woman over!  Duckie promises her that he’ll fight Andrew McCarthy for her hand if it comes down to it.  She seems satisfied and moves on to let down Stevie.  But Kalon cuts in to show off his Cam Tucker shirt.  But two minutes later, Aaron cuts in.  This creates drama between Stevie and Kalon for some reason.  I don’t think I’m drunk enough to follow the whole fight.  Before I can wrap my brain around it all, Emily sweeps in and passes out the date rose to Duckie.  Yay- this nerd is really growing on me.  Team Duckie!

3rd Date: Joe

“Come close to my heart.”

Emily picks Joe up for their date in a limo to whisk him away to a private airplane.  They fly off to West Virginia, Emily’s home state.  They go to a fancy resort for swimming in a 100 year old pool.  For the night portion of their date, they go to dinner at the resort with Emily dressed like a feather duster.  But Emily isn’t attracted to Joe and isn’t feeling it.  Or maybe she doesn’t like his long greasy hair.  One can never be too sure.  No rose for you Joe (as said in the voice of the soup Nazi.  hey, wouldn’t that be super cool if they hired him to say that to the men who don’t get roses each week?).  Sorry Joe, the Love Clock has just clock blocked  you.  But I’ll watch these fireworks alone and ugly cry while Guido takes your suitcases from the bachelor pad and the reject van hauls you to the airport.

Rose ceremony time!  Emily makes a speech about cutting Joe loose.  Then she and Arie (another one of my favorites and I think her’s too) get some alone time together.  He proves once again that he’s a normal cool guy.  What’s he doing on this show?!?!

Ryan also gets some more alone time with Emily and presents her with an 18 page letter her wrote to her.  Eighteen pages!  FRONT AND BACK!!!!  He also makes Tony stand in the corner and listen to Emily read it aloud for the next 60 minutes.  Where the hell is CH when you need him to shout out, “No one puts Tony in the corner” or bang on his champagne class of doom?  Finally CH does arrive and puts an end to the painful to watch cocktail party.  He brings out the buds, retreats to the corner to practice counting to 14, and Emily starts off.  Duckie and Ryan already have roses.  The other 14 go to:

Kalon

Arie

Michael

Nate

Sean

Chris

Doug

Travis (who?)

Tony

John no longer Wolf

Alessandro

Charlie

Alejandro

Stevie

Which means that Aaron and Kyle are joining Joe in the reject limo.  And that’s where we end week two.  What do you think?  Would you rather watch paint dry than boring Emily with her parade of dorks?  Do you think Kalon is as terrible as he appears?  When will Emily give CH a rose?  Is she only keeping Alessandro and Alejandro both around because she doesn’t know who is who?  Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I’ll see you back here next week!  In the meantime, I will be fighting Miss Piggy for Kermit’s attention.

Emily Episode 1 Recap

You know you are in for a long season when the first episode hasn’t even started and you are already dreading all the drama it’s sure to bring.  I turned my tv on right at 8:00 and was excited that the show didn’t start till 9:30 for two reasons: 1.) I had an hour and half before having to endure countless recaps of Brad and Emily’s failed relationship and 2.) the show was only going to be 90 minutes vs. the normal 120.  So an hour and a half later, I found myself back in front of the television for this:

Not even 20 seconds into the show, Emily is already pimping out her daughter.  At the 45 second mark she is sharing her sob story of big Ricky proposing to her, dying in a plane wreck, and finding out she’s pregnant.  At the 1:24 mark, we see Emily does not enforce the car seat rule in her gigantic SUV as she drives little Ricki and all her friends around Charlotte.  At 2 minutes 43 seconds we see why Emily is so lonely.  She puts her daughter to bed in the middle of the afternoon and has to rattle around alone in her mansion that has THREE FLOORS (yes, look closely as she ascends the steps.  You will notice another flight of stairs on the second floor which can only lead to a third floor, right?).  By the three minute mark we are re-watching Emily and Brad’s trainwreck.  And by 4:00 she is ready to fall in love again!

CH welcomes us to the new Bachelor pad in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He announces that since he’s now split from his wife, he will be in the running for her hand in marriage this season too!  Then we get to see some of the 25 tools competing for Emily’s heart.  This is my first impression of them:

Kalon- rich, Clark Kent  Luxury Brand Consultant- whatever that means!

Ryan- teaches kids sports at the community rec

Tony- from Beaverton.  Enough said.

Leron- token black guy

David- this season’s Wes Haden.  

Charlie- brain damaged (well duh, aren’t the all on this show?)

Jef- Duckie from Pretty in Pink

Arie- race car driver.  Come on!!!!!

CH welcomes Emily to the mansion and they have a sit down to discuss “where she’s at.”

CH: “So you didn’t want to do this at first.  Why?”

Emily: “Well I have been hurt the two times I’ve been in love.  It’s scary to put myself out there again but then I saw the contract and how much money I will rake in so of course I took the chance!”

CH: “Your first love died tragically.  Tell me about that again.”

Emily: “I don’t want to talk about that anymore Chris.  Tell me about your divorce instead!  Everyone already knows my story.  What happened to you?”

CH: “Um, I think I hear the first limo pulling up.  Let’s go meet these guys!”

Sean- forgettable

David- Vanilla Ice hair

Doug- Brad Womack’s ugly twin; has a son

Jackson-  gets down on his knees for an awkward moment

Joe- yells at her and dances weird

Arie- doesn’t lead off with the fact that he’s a race car driver

Kyle- looks like Lily Aldren’s dad from HIMYM

Chris- has devil eyes

Aaron- love his glasses

Alessando- speaks in foreign language that Emily doesn’t understand.  Tries to pull off the Ryan Sutter long hair but doesn’t.

Jef- arrives via skateboard that he then throws into the bushes.  Also has tall hair.  Is this back in?

Lerone- is turned on by single moms

Stevie- dances with his boom box

Charlie- Seems like a really nice guy

Tony- carries in a glass slipper on a satin pillow.  He didn’t know that Little Ricki wasn’t going to be there.  That or he has a foot fetish.

Randy- dressed as Brittney’s grandma

Nate- forgettable

Brent- wears a nametag

John “Wolf”- other than his name he seems pretty normal

Travis- carries around a giant egg for Aaron’s science experiment.  If he drops it, Emily can send him home immediately.

Michael- asks her to braid his long hair

Jean-Paul- I don’t understand that name at all.  Anyone else have thoughts on it?

Alejandro- Doesn’t speak English but does wear a huge fake diamond in his ear.  Tool!

Ryan- wrote her a note on notebook paper telling her she’s beautiful

Kalon- arrives via helicopter ensuring all the other guys will hate him for the whole show.  He’s this season’s Courtney.

The men have a pissing contest inside while CH and Emily rehash what tools they all are and CH reminds her there will be a first impression rose.  He sends her in to get to know all the guys better.  She promises them this process really does work and no one questions her sincerity even though if it had worked for her she wouldn’t be there.

Chris has brought some voo-doo dolls and asks Emily to play dolls with him.  She does and for some reason this makes him awesome to her.

Duckie and Emily hit it off and I can’t decide if he’s a huge dork or a cool guy.

Doug gives Emily a note from his son.  The note is actually really sweet and makes Emily want to cry.  Who else thinks Doug is the one who really wrote it though?

CH brings the first impression rose in and the boys all get their panties in a knot.  Emily gives it to Doug and asks him to pass it along to his son since his letter is what really won her heart.

CH finally arrives with his butter knife and champagne glass of doom.  Time for the first rose ceremony!  Roses go to:

1.) Doug

2.) Chris

3.) Ryan

4.) Kalon

5.) Arie

6.) Charlie

7.) Jef

8.) Nate

9.) Sean

10.) Joe

11.) Kyle

12.) Aaron

13.) Alejandro

14.) John “Wolf”

15.) Alessando

16.) Michael

17.) Stevie

18.) Tony

19.) Travis

Which means Brent, David, Jean-Paul, Jackson, Lerone, and Randy are heading home in the reject limo.  But wait a minute!  Brent has six kids?!?!  I thought he was joking when he said that earlier.  Where are they?  Do they all have the same mom?  How old is this guy?  Why wasn’t there more info on this?  I’d have to say this is the most interesting thing about the whole episode!  Oh well, he’s going home with the rest of the rejects from the first night.  With that out of the way, this is my early predictions on who will make it far... Kalon (for the drama factor), Arie (my favorite!), and Jef (he’s growing on me).  Who do you think will win her heart?