Ashley Episode 9 Rcap

The show opens with a scenic pictures of Fiji, including an erupting geyser which I think is symbolism and foreshadowing at it’s finest! Welcome to the over night dates!

Ashley arrives in “the ‘parfact’ place to fall in love” via a tiny airplane and an even tinier mini skirt, half shirt/tank top combo. She recaps her “journey” with each of the three remaining men. We hear Ashley’s voice over of her thoughts on these guys while looking out over her balcony wearing her trademark off the shoulder shirt and then writing in her journal in her hotel room. I imagine the entry looked something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. JP

Ashley and Constantine’s twin- true love always

Constantine and Ashley Georgio

Before she can dot her i’s with hearts, there is a knock at the door and Ryan is there to boost the ratings in an otherwise dull season. It would have been shocking if it weren’t for the previews of this very moment being shown the whole season.

The two “it’s great to see you again” for five minutes before they remember they have nothing to say to each other. Ryan uses this lull to express his love for her even though he’s met with the same silence he was on every date they went on together. Ryan takes the lack of words to be a good sign and goes off to his own room, expecting a knock on the door from her soon with a bottle of wine and a forgo card from CH.

1st Over Night Date: Ben

Ashley greets Ben wearing a red bikini top and a white sheet wrapped around her waist. The pair hop aboard a boat to lounge around on colorful throw pillows that the ABC intern arranged earlier and recap their hometown date per ABC’s “over night date script.” Then they lotion each other up with sunscreen like they are in a cheesy romantic movie. They snorkel while holding on to life jackets instead of actually wearing them.

Then they retire to the evening portion of the date for dinner on a sandy beach. Ashley really dresses up by wearing her tie-died beach cover up. She leaves her smokey eyes at home to stuff her face while Ben tells her he’s in love with her. As Ashley sums it up, it was “parfact.” Before the night is over, Ashley pulls out the forgo card from CH. Ben demonstrates he knows how to read and that he’s straight as he accepts the key to the fantasy suite.

2nd Over Night Date: Constantine

My first thought at the start of this date is “I wonder what Ryan is doing? Is he out whoring it up with CH? Is he sitting by his phone, waiting for Ashley to call?” But before I can formulate possible answers to these questions, I see Ashley and a million new questions flood my brain. The first of which is “what the fuck is she wearing?!?!” The outfit looks like a pair of shorts from my six year old daughter’s dresser, they are so short. But sadly, the shorts are the best part of the ensemble. Her white tank top laces up the middle and ties in front like a shoelace. This is all going on right next to two big ruffly things. It is also so short it barely covers her non-boobs. I’m so embarrassed for her, I can hardly watch. However, I spot my first helicopter of the season (how is that possible?) and the two head off to see the island from above.

Someone from ABC has heard my question of “I wonder what Ryan is doing” and has the helicopter pilot (I wonder if it’s Jake?) fly over him so I can see him digging for seashells in the sandbar. While he tells the camera that he wants to see Ashley again, she is busy plugging her nose and praying her swim suit doesn’t fall off while cliff diving with Constantine next to a beautiful waterfall.

For the night portion of their date, Ashley and Constantine head to dinner at the hotel. They toast each other with white wine that Ashley defines as “sweet.” Constantine corrects her.

Constantine: “It’s fruity, not sweet. Ben told me that.”

Ashley: “Is that weird? That you and your twin are dating the same girl?”

Constantine: “He’s not my twin. Just a friend who looks freakishly like me. I made him cut his hair so it’d help you tell us apart. Has it helped? I mean, last night when you were in bed with him, did you accidentally yell out my name?”

Ashley: “Whatever. Here’s the forgo card from CH. Do you wanna come back to my room or not?”

Constantine basically tells Ashley that since he’s not head over heels in love with her, he can’t accept the forgo card. Before we can see Ashley’s head explode, the President of the USA cuts in to tell us this never would have happened had Emily been the Bachelorette. Or something about the national debt. Never mind, I fast forward. And I just have to say, in FFx4, Obama’s head looked like a bobble head doll. Anyway, moving on...

Constantine tells Ashley it’s the end of the road for them before leaving Ashley to stew in her low self esteem while reading CH’s forgo card. She accepts and goes to the fantasy suite by herself.

Now that Constantine is gone, ABC has time to let Ashley break Ryan’s heart a second time in as many weeks on camera once again. She struts over to Ryan’s villa (why did he get a huge villa and Constantine only got a tiny one room deal?) to dump him like a ton of bricks. They “Ash” and “Ry” each other before finally really saying goodbye (again) so Ashley can go french braid her hair to get ready for her date with JP.

3rd Over Night Date: JP

Ashley meets JP in a field on the opposite side of a forest wearing this episode’s trademark half shirt and some daisy dukes. JP emerges from the trees; they hug and kiss and “I’ve missed you” before climbing aboard a water plane. They basically get the same tour of the island Ashley did with Constantine only instead of a helicopter, they are on a sea plane. Ashley sums it up by calling it “parfact.” They head to their own private island so just the two of them can be together. And by “private” and “just the two of them,” I mean Ashley, JP, the producers, the 15 cameramen, the plane pilot (I wonder if it’s Jake?), the ABC intern, and the boom mike guy.

For the night part of their date, the duo heads to a picnic on the beach. Again, Ashley leaves the smokey eyeshadow and her pants at her hotel room. She tricks JP into thinking he’s the last guy standing by telling him she’s said goodbye to two guys this week. She first pretends that she’s the one who let Constantine go because she wasn't’ feeling it with him, even though he’s the one who left because she couldn’t tell the difference between him and his twin. Then Ashley tells JP about Ryan coming back. JP thinks she’s talking about Bentley at first so Ashley uses that opportunity to bring up his name again. Then she pulls out the forgo card. JP silently thanks CH before heading back to the fantasy suite to close the deal.

Rose Ceremony

I gotta say, I am laughing that she was even going to do a rose ceremony tonight. But I realize they must fill the time with something and since Emily wouldn’t come back to do a second interview, we have to watch Ashley have a sit down with CH in the rain. They recap each date we just saw. My mind wanders to what that phallic shaped sculpture behind them is.

CH goes off to practice counting to two while Ashley places Constantine’s picture face down. She joins CH to pass out the roses to JP and Ben. Kinda anti-climatic but that’s par for the course this season. Ryan (again) and Constantine are headed back to the U.S. without a rose. Ashley gets ready to introduce the two remaining guys to her family. And that’s where we end week 9.

Next SUNDAY is the Men Tell All special. I doubt I’ll recap it as it should be called “The Men Tell Nothing” special. I’ll also not be recapping the finale next Monday, Aug. 1 since I’ll most likely be watching it with each of you and you can hear my snarky comments first hand.

Don’t forget that Bachelor Pad starts in two weeks on Monday, Aug. 8. Thanks all for reading my blog through this pretty boring season. For the two of you that took the time to comment, thank you so much! It means more to me than you know and more to me than it should. I’ll be back in the fall to recap the Bachelor. Who do you think it will be? My money is on Constantine. Until then...

Ashley Episode 8 Recap

The show opens with Ashley back in the USA. She’s back at home in which the ABC intern spent hours rearranging the furniture to make her studio apartment look bigger than the 400 square feet it is. Through sneaky camera angles designed to make her kitchen look spacious (it isn’t), we learn that Ashley likes her coffee black or that she drinks flat Coke out of a coffee mug. We also hear her wax poetic about each of the remaining guys. I fast forward through the obvious time filler.

1st Hometown: Constantine- Cumming, GA

Constantine dresses up for the big reunion with Ashley by donning his green t-shirt and gray hoodie. They meet 500 feet apart on a grassy knoll before running into each other’s arms and spewing things like “I’m so happy to see you!”, “It’s great to be home,” “You look fantastic,” “I’ve missed you,” and “I can’t wait to see what we’re doing today!”

They sit down on a picnic table in the mist while Ashley plays with her bangs and Constantine asks her if 1990 wants it’s blazer back. The pair heads to Constantine’s family’s restaurant to make pizza and salad. The wait staff spys on their “date” while Constantine and Ashley talk about love and family and everything else the producers have put in their “Hometown Date Week Scripts.”

Next stop is Constantine’s parents’ house. His sister, who looks just like Ashley, is there too. The mom doubts if they can truly be in love in such a short amount of time. She also voices concerns over true love in exotic settings verse day to day home life. Obviously Constantine gets his smarts from her.

The dad sits down with Constantine to discuss someone named “Ester” and basically said the same things as the mom- if he’s happy, they are happy for him. But true love takes time. I love this family!

Just as Ashley and Constantine are getting ready to leave, his whole extended family shows up for a “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reunion. They dance and “opa!” while the uncle starts throwing dollar bills around like he’s at the local strip club with CH.

2nd Hometown: Ames- Chadds Ford, PA

Ashley has ditched her 1980’s wardrobe for the disco era. She greets Ames on a horse farm wearing bell bottom jeans, a bright red long blouse belted at the waist, and a flowy white cardigan sweater. They waste no time alone together and go right to meet his sister, brother, mother, and their families. Ames and his family talk about their adventure and travels while Ashley sits there like a mute. Finally, big sister Serena pulls Ashley aside to grill her.

Serena: “I’m cutting right to the chase. Ames clearly has feelings for you. How do you feel about him? Are you ok with being his beard? And don’t bullshit me. I’m just as smart as my brother and will see through any lies.”

Ashley: “Well I’m not gonna lie. Our relationship has moved slower than some of the others. But he’s so nice!”

Serena: “This is getting serious. You’re meeting families now. Nieces and nephews.”

Ashley: “Your kids are so cute!”

Serena: “He’s a romantic. I’ve seen him with other girls. And other boys too. I think he’s smitten with you. You better not screw with him.”

Ashely: “I can’t wait to get to know him. I mean, I want to know more. Tell me about his dad. And I hope it’s a sad story ending in death. That’s the theme this season in case you didn’t read the script ABC sent over ahead of time.”

Serena: “We are a family of over achievers. Of course we read the script. In fact, we’ve improved on it. We have two dead dads! Do any of the other guys have that? I didn’t think so!”

Finally the conversation between Serena and Ashley ends and Ames takes her on a picnic under a magnolia tree. Ames shares his views on romance: find the extraordinary in the ordinary. Then they take a carriage ride along the river. I think I fall in love with Ames a little bit.

3rd Hometown Date: Ben- Sonoma, CA

The two meet and skip off to Ben’s winery to taste some wine after spewing things like “I’m so happy to see you!”, “It’s great to be home,” “You look fantastic,” “I’ve missed you,” and “I can’t wait to see what we’re doing today!” They eat a picnic per ABC’s contract in the rain on the wet front porch floor while Ashley plays with her bangs. As Ben talks more and more on this date, the more he reminds me of Spencer from iCarly. When they are done eating their snack and drinking their wine, they leave their dirty plates on the porch of the stranger’s house they intruded upon and head to Ben’s mom’s house to have dinner with his mom and sister Julia. This family and the rest of the date is so boring and dull I fall asleep for a bit. Luckily, I wake up in time for:

4th Hometown Date: JP- Roslyn, NY

Ashley recycles the belted blouse look for her date with JP. They reunite while spewing things like “I’m so happy to see you!”, “It’s great to be home,” “You look fantastic,” “I’ve missed you,” and “I can’t wait to see what we’re doing today!” He takes her to a roller rink where the pair goes back to 7th grade. They put their hands in each other’s back pockets while skating under the disco ball to a bad REO Speedwagon remake before making out in the middle of the rink while the DJ announces a “couples only” skate. Man, I miss skating rinks.

Next, they go to meet JP’s family. I’m pretty sure the house was built by the same guy who built my house, as it looks the exact same on the outside. Inside, they greet JP’s family before immediately digging right in to some yummy looking lasagna. There is a lot of talk about carbs but I can’t focus because my mouth is watering. Someone get me that recipe!

After dinner, mom pulls JP outside to grill him. She expresses doubt about their “relationship” and the process. I can tell mom doesn’t like it. Again, the rest of the date is so boring. I have to go get some wine and end up missing the rest. Something tells me I really didn’t miss much though.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley puts on her smokey eyes, super short/tight backless mini dress, long earrings, and CFM pumps for the rose ceremony. CH dons his gray Wal-mart suit and doesn’t bat an eye even though he desperately needs a haircut as he sits down to his pow-wow with the bachelorette. He knows he’s not the most foolish looking one in the room.

CH doesn’t pass up the opportunity to needle Ashley a bit by reminding her that the last time they sat in the room was to cancel the cocktail party due to Bentley. Ashley pretends to have forgotten who Chris is talking about, we pretend we believe she’s really over him and CH and her rehash each hometown date to death before CH goes off to practice counting to 3.

Roses go to Ben, JP, and Constantine which means that Ames is returning to his nice normal family in Chadds Ford, PA alone.

So that’s where we end week 8 of this journey. How many times did you fall asleep? Is this season a huge bore to anyone else? Who else thinks sending Ames home tonight was a mistake only second to keeping Bentley around as long as she did? Who else is glad for Ames in dodging the Ashley bullet? Sound off in the comments and I’ll see you next week in Fiji! (Also, a quick scheduling note to share- next Monday, July 25 will be the overnight dates. Then the MTA is on Sunday, July 31. The finale is set for Monday, Aug. 1. Set those DVRs now and I will see you next week!)

Ashley Episode 7 Recap

Ashley welcomes us to the show wearing a Mexican inspired skirt and welcoming us to the “hidden jewel of Asia”, Taiwan. When I was little, dolls often came with tags with their name on it. I got a doll for my 3rd birthday with a tag that said, “Made in Taiwan.” Even though my parents swore that wasn’t her name, that’s what I called the doll. Come to think of it, that doll looked exactly like Ashley!

The six remaining men use flip-cams to record their journey from Hong Kong to Taiwan. The money ABC saved by not having actual cameramen go along allowed them to pay the ABC intern who majored in geography and graphic design to once again show us a cartoon airplane flying across a cartoon map from Hong Kong to Taiwan. The guys check in to their Taiwanese hotel to be welcomed by CH. His shirt is the exact piercing blue color as his eyes. He tells them from a mile away (why was he standing so far away?) that hometowns are coming up as if no one knows the format of the show. I think he also mumbles something about them all being so dull that this week’s episode will be cut short for him to have a visit with everyone’s real first choice for the bachelorette, Emily. I definitely hear Ashley crying tears of low self esteem. CH drops the first date card and makes like a Catholic and pulls out.

1st Date: “Let your love light shine.” Constantine

Ashley picks him up for their date wearing her new favorite jeggings, high heels, and a backless tank top. She hands him a train ticket and pushes him onto a busy subway station platform to “take him out of town.” I’m slightly confused... isn’t that why they are in Taiwan? Isn’t that “out of town” enough? They head to a tiny village for a lantern festival. They each paint their wishes on a paper lantern. Rumor has it, after they set the lanterns free, their wishes come true.

Over dinner, Ashley asks Constantine if he’s waiting till the hometown dates to fall in love. He tells her he’s waiting till he feels it. Where did he come from? I think this guy’s the smartest bachelor ever! He asks her why she’s attracted to him. She gushes about how he’s exactly what she’s always looked for in the looks department. Apparently she likes guys who look exactly like Josh Groban. You can tell she’s way more into him than he is to her. They finish eating and set their wish lantern into the night before making out under all the lanterns. All I could think of was the movie Tangled and got to thinking that Ashley could grow her hair out a little more and look just like Repunzal. Throw down your hair!

2nd Date: “Let’s spend a ‘gorges’ day together in Taiwan.” Ben

Ames reads the date card aloud to the guys when it arrives. He points out that Ashley doesn’t know how to spell “gorgeous.” I think the ABC intern is getting a pay cut for not spell checking better!

Ashley continues the trend of not wearing a bra on her dates as she meets Constantine’s twin to explore the park on a moped. Ben clearly ignores the “one way” arrow on the street and drives head on into traffic. I thought he was trying to put them both out of their misery but unfortunately, the wine maker is really just that dumb. He sweet talks Ashley the whole ride and she eats it up with a spoon! Ben then informs the camera with the straightest, most dead-pan face that he’s “genuinely happy.”

For the night portion of their date, Ashley wears a bright green one shoulder tank and black mini skirt/tu-tu. Her hair is in a 1980’s side pony and her heels are 5 inches. They talk about hometown dates per her contract agreement on all the dates this week. Ben tells her his feelings for her are growing. I’m sure that’s not the only thing of his that’s growing. They kiss next to a huge pool. I silently hoped he’s throw her in. No such luck...

3rd Date: “I’m grooming you for the big day.” Lucas, Ames, and JP

Ashley takes the boys to have wedding photos taken. Somehow, to Ashley, this translates to letting her know what it’d be like to be married to each of them. But first she dresses them up in dorky tuxes and Asian attire while she dons a super padded bra (did you see how big her boobs looked?!?) and a kimono before humiliating them further by having them pretend to take wedding pictures with her. I’m betting none of these guys (ok, maybe Ames), like most males, even cares about real wedding pictures. But they are all good sports and play along with Ashley’s delusional fantasy.

For the night part of the group date, Ashley wears her new signature color of green in a mini dress. She grills Lucas about his ex and getting married again before dancing with him to no music. Then Ames shares embarrassing childhood pictures of himself with her. Oh yeah, and he’s wearing pink pants. Pink pants!!!! JP admits he’s feeling jealous. He bitches about the nature of the show; she reassures him by giving him the date rose.

4th Date: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei.” Ryan

Ashley greets Ryan wearing a backward cape blouse that is open in the back. Once again, she foregoes the bra. I guess they are optional in Taiwan. They walk thru an outdoor temple where hundreds of locals are praying. I’m sure ABC insulted thousands of Asians by being there. Ryan babbles on throughout their whole date. He’s so busy talking about everything and nothing that he doesn’t even notice Ashley’s negative body language. Their conversation goes a little like this:

Ryan: “Ok, so this is a weird, loaded question...”

Ashley: “Are you going to ask me if I slept with the other guys yet? It was only Bentley and I’m so over him now so it doesn’t count.”

Ryan: “No....”

Ashley: “Oh it must be why I don’t wear bras anymore then. The ABC intern lost my bra suitcase on the trip from Hong Kong to Taiwan. I will wear a bra when I meet the parents. Well, not your parents, but everyone else’s rents.”

Ryan: “Actually, I was gonna ask you what you do for the environment.”

Ashley: “Oh that! That’s easy. Everyone always talks about being ‘green’ now so I bought all these cool new shirts and dresses in green and that’s my new favorite color!”

Ryan: “I meant do you recycle?”

Ashley: “Well I do now! I was dating this guy once and he dumped me because I threw away a plastic bottle. I vowed never to do that again.”

Then Ryan tries to sell her one of his environmentally friendly water heaters. He drones on and on boring everyone. Ashley finally pulls the plug and puts us all out of our misery by sending him packing. Oh Ryan, you should have tried selling yourself buddy, instead of a green water heater. Since the reject van wasn’t on stand-by, Ryan walks aimlessly around the city, hiding behind bushes to curse, cry, and have his panic attack. Ashley meanwhile feeds some ducks and tries to keep her backward cape shirt from blowing in the win and revealing her braless chest.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley sits down with CH and announces she doesn’t need a cocktail party. She already knows who else she’s sending home. CH informs the guys and goes off to his corner to practice counting to three. JP already has a rose. The other three go to Constantine, Ben, and Ames. Which means Lucas is joining Ryan in the reject taxi back to the airport. Maybe Ryan will have better luck selling his shit to Lucas?

So that’s where we end the week (sorry, I could not possibly recap that painful chat between Emily and CH. After CH was gesturing and Emily thought he was reaching for her hand, I was almost too embarrassed to even watch!). So what do you think? How many times did Ashley pronounce “perfect” as “parfact”? Does JP only own one pair of brown shoes that he wears with every suit, regardless of suit color? Does he own a tie? Does Ashley own a bra? Does she even need one? Who else thinks CH is about to throttle her? Who else wants to throttle her? Comment below and I’ll see you next week!