Ashley- Episode 1

Episode 1 starts with CH welcoming us to yet another season of the train wreck we all love to hate, The Bachelorette! This season is featuring the 3rd runner up reject from Brad Womack 2nd season, Ashley H. We witness 20 minutes of her being neurotic around Brad last season, her ugly crying, her large forehead, her fake “dentist” title. We are only 1 minute and 37 seconds in to the show before the first “Brad and I’s” grammatical horror is mentioned. We see her “journey” with Brad play out, then we witness her jogging in Philly, walking down the middle of the street in her sassy red coat, sitting on the floor of a dance studio by herself looking pensive, doing some weird “dance” by herself, wearing scrubs to her fake dentist job, and teaching some aerobic class to 3 other people. But doing these things has made her realize she needs to get out there again and start dating! Damn it- she didn’t cut these bangs for nothing! We also learn that she likes to job up random steps for fun and she sits way too close to the wheel when she drives. And she’s ready to find a husband! Bring on the weirdos!

Ryan P.- solar energy entrepreneur. He likes to make the Taylor Swift heart with his hands after walking in the surf and sitting in the sun.

J.P.- construction guy from NYC. He likes to buy wine from guys on the street while wearing douchy coats.

Ames- 31 year old over achiever who looks a little like a young Harry Conick Jr. Totally dorky but he’ll stick around awhile.

Ben C.- lawyer from New Orleans who has partied a lot in New Orleans but he’s ready to settle down. To prove that he plays the piano like my 5 year old daughter.

Ben F.- winemaker. I want to marry him just based on his profession. He’s got a sad story about his dad dying. He’ll make it at least a few weeks.

Bentley- this season’s #1 dweeb based solely on his terrible name. He has child- Cozy. He’s divorced because he wanted to have more fun. He seems like a huge catch. But he does have a nice house.

Anthony- 4 generation butcher. He will “butcher” her heart. Probably with his 1980’s gold chain necklace and hair grease but we’ll get to that later.

West- he is the one who killed his first wife after smoking a bunch of pot with her and arguing.

William- looks gay. Wears numerous shirts while walking around with a broken umbrella in the rain. His dad was an alcoholic who died. He will be the one who doesn’t drink all season. He will head back to Columbus early.

Ashley finally climbs out of the limo 25 minutes in to this show with her sagging boobs, bad 80’s blush, and new bangs to give CH a hug and ask him to hurry up and find her husband for her. I thought the guys were gonna finally arrive but no, she and CH have to go in the house and have a sit-down to recap everything else the show just recapped. Excellent- I’ll use this time to go pour another glass of wine!

Finally, the guys arrive in the limo! Here are my first impressions of these metros!

Ryan P.- she’s smitten. I think he’s a cutie. They have nothing to say to each other but he’ll get a rose.

Jon- she likes his tie. He looks like a cuter version of that British guy who was the Bachelor a few years ago. He picks her up like a sack of potatoes. She seems to like it.

Lucas- he has nothing to say to her. I fell asleep during their meet and greet. He’ll go home tonight.

Mickey- he takes his mouse ears off before giving her a kiss that she rejects.

Tim- is so drunk he can’t even talk.

Ben C.- speaks to her in some other language the she pretends she speaks.

Stephen- I’m just gonna call him Adam Goldberg.

Chris D.- her tongue was hanging out as she sang some dumb poem for her.

West- he tells her he killed his first wife but asks her not to hold it against him.

Anthony- pees on the limo before introducing himself to her.

Rob- has hair that looks like CH’s hair.

Ames- asked her if she minded if he was a girl like her. Then he gave her ballet tickets and asked her where she buys her tampons.

Matt- teaches her some dumb handshake that I did with my grandpa when I was 5.

Jeff- the dude wears a mask! That I think he stole from my son’s toy box!

Ben F.- brings her wine glasses. And a bottle of wine that has already been opened!

Frank- he bores me the minute he picks her up. And doesn’t put her down.

Michael- he’s dull too. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Chris M.- he’s from Canada.

Ryan M.- looks like Bree Van de Camp’s son. And he’s gay just like Andrew. He even admits he wants a picture of CH. But I won’t hold that against him too much. Don’t we all want our picture taken with him?

J.P.- seems like a nice guy. He’s my fave so far.

Nick- has a poem for her. She laughs at it like she’s laughed at everything (and nothing) else all night.

Blake- dull

Bentley- he’s as big of a jack ass as her friend warned her he was.

Constantine- another snore fest, he ties dental floss around her finger. You know, cause she’s a “dentist.”

Her first one on one is with Ryan P. He apologizes for being such a nerd before telling her his job resume about solar panels. Wait a minute- he did not apologize for being a nerd. I was praying he would though because he’s so dorky!

Then she sits sown with the winemaker. I am jealous. I want to drink some wine with this guy. Even if he is as gay as he looks.

We’re only 50 minutes in and I’m already bored. Where is the guy with the mask?!

Oh goody- some mama’s boy misses his mom so much he needs to call her on his first date with her. Before she cuts the umbilical cord, mama says that Ashley needs to remember to use a condom with her sonny while in the fantasy suite.

Some other douche throws away a perfectly good guitar while pretending to play to steal her away.

Yes- the Mask is back! He is bothering the other guys. Especially the drunk, Tim. And when did Crosby from Parenthood arrive? I guess it doesn’t matter- Crosby doesn’t like the mask either. I think it’s great though! Imagine if the first date you had with your husband, he wore a mask the whole time? Now imagine your husband STILL wearing a mask all the time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Ben C., the que card writer, tells her via poster board that he wants to talk to her. Ashley dumps the dentist and the other guy to go have some alone time with him.

Prince William impersonates celebrities to win her over. My bet is he will get the first impression rose.

Tim pukes all over her during their one one one. Which really offends Lucas who has never had a drop of alcohol before. But Tim takes a little nap before having a convo with the Mask again which involves dancing and coats coming off. Ashely gathers a bunch of the other guys to help her dump him. I can’t wait to see him at the MTA! Ashley sends him off in the reject van and starts to clap in excitement once he’s gone before realizing that the cameras are still on her before faking frown like she’s sad.

The Mask is glad Tim is gone. He grabs Ashley for some alone time. To explain why he’s wearing a mask. Which I still don’t understand. I think it had something to do with Phantom of the Opera being his favorite show or something.

First impression rose finally gets passed out to Ryan P. followed seconds later by CH banging his champagne glass of dome for Ashley to pass out the rest of the first impression roses- because let’s be honest. Aren’t they all that the first night?

After a lengthy discussion/time filler of a convo with CH, Ashley gives the rest of the roses to:

Jeff the Mask

Constantine

Ben F.

Lucas

Stephen

Matt

Nick

Chris D.

Ryan M.

Blake

Mickey

Ben C.

West

Prince William

J.P.

Ames

Bentley

Which means that going home with drunk Tim is Jon, Frank, Michael, Anthony, and Rob.

Tune in next week (at 8:00 instead of 9:00) to see if The Mask revels his face. If anyone else feels the need to get trashed just being around her. If CH will wear the shirt the that matches his beautiful baby blues perfectly again like he did last season. If I can stay awake till 10:00 and get my recap up on time. In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves in the comment section. J.P. is my #1 pick at this point. What do you think?