Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Sean Lowe Episode 1 Mini Recap

I regret to inform you that after much thought and consideration I have decided to NOT blog Bachelor recaps this season.  I found that the two hour show stretched to 3 to 4 hours of my time when I tried to recap it.  I started to not enjoy the train wreck for what it is.  I will however offer a few of my thoughts on this page each Tue. morning and let everyone know who got roses and who get sent home in case you missed the show and/or didn’t feel like sitting through the whole thing.  With that said, here is a mini recap of what you might have missed last night:

  • Sean was heartbroken when Emily didn’t return his love.  He spent his time working out while his heart healed.  As Sean’s voice over explains how he knows God wants him to do this again (ha!) we are treated to the eye candy that is a shirtless Sean walking on the beach, doing bicep curls, and running through the sprinkler with his rich niece and nephew.  How do I know they are rich?  The nephew’s name is Smith and the niece’s house is bigger and better decorated than my own home.

*Next, ABC brings in their first choice of bachelor Arie.  The two are such good buddies, they haven’t seen or spoken since Emily dumped Sean in Curacao.  The whole scene  was so painful to watch that I literally was hiding under the sheets (yes, I watch this show in bed) when the two almost kissed.  No joke.  I could have done without Arie teaching Sean how to French kiss.

*The first night is always filled with lots of awkwardness and hilarity.  I can never remember who is who and when half of them are named Ashley it only adds to the confusion.  I’ve created a handy guide on each of the ladies and who has them and if they got a rose or not.

AshLee: Why you remember her: she was adopted when she was little and kissed Sean with bright red lipstick when she got out of the limo.  She got a rose.

Selma: Why you remember her: She wiped the lipstick off Sean’s face.  She got a rose.

Daniella: Why you remember her: She taught Sean a handshake that went something like this “Up high!  Down low!  Too slow!”  She got a rose.

Kelly: Why you remember her: She made up a song and sang it to Sean.  No rose!

Katie: Why you remember her: you don’t.  But she made an impression on Sean because she got a rose.

Ashley P.: Why you remember her:  She thought she was Anastasia Steel.  After threatening to rape Sean, she proceeded to get totally shit faced, booty danced all night, and then fell down the stairs.  She is everything I LOVE about this show.  Sadly, she did not get a rose.

Robyn : Why you remember her: She did back flips upon her exit of the limo and bit it in the middle of her second one.  She got a rose.

Lacey: Why you remember her: She gave Sean a lace heart.  She got a rose.

Paige: Why you remember her: You liked her when she was on Bachelor Pad 3 this summer and almost hooked up with Reid.  Last night she made the fatal mistake of telling Sean this.  In Bachelor World, admitting you’ve been on a reality tv show before is like admitting you have an STD.  No rose for Paige.

Tierra: Why you remember her:  She’s this season’s resident bitch.  She has a half of heart tattooed on her finger and she wants Sean to fill in the rest with his love.  He LOVES it and breaks all the rules by giving her a rose on the spot.

Amanda: Why you remember her: You don’t.  She got a rose though.

Keriann : Why you remember her: Do you?  I don’t.  No rose.

Desiree: Why you remember her:  She didn’t make much of an impression (on me) last night but in the previews it looks like a former boyfriend of hers comes back for her later this season.  She got a rose.

Sarah: Why you remember her:  She only has one arm.  She got a rose.

Lesley: Why you remember her: She pretended like she knew something about football to impress Sean.  It worked- she got a rose!

Lindsay: Why you remember her: She showed up wearing a wedding dress and then got drunk and begged Sean to kiss her.  I’m guessing Sean was drunk by this point too because she got a rose.

Kacie: Why you remember her: She was on Ben’s season.  Her family was super religious and although they allow their daughter to be on The Bachelor (twice!), they don’t believe in alcohol.  He made her sweat but she got a rose.

Jackie: Why you remember her: You don’t.  She got a rose.

Taryn: Why you remember her: She cried because she doesn’t like competing with other girls for a guy.  She must of thought she’d signed up for Top Chef or something.  She got a rose.

Ashley H.: Why you remember her: She was the first contestant of color since Matt’s season in 2008.  She didn’t get a rose.

Lauren: Why you remember her:  You don’t.  No rose.

Dianna: Why you remember her: She’s the single mom to two kids and  she got a rose.

Leslie: Why you remember her:  You don’t.  She got a rose.

Brooke: Why you remember her:  She has awful hair and looks to be about 20 years older than everyone else there.  She got a rose.

Catherine: Why you remember her:  She looks like Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years.  I’m guessing she’s 12 years old.  She got a rose.

Kristy:  Why you remember her:  She’s the model who was surprisingly quiet during the cocktail party after her intro package declaring she knows all the other girls will hate her.  She got a rose.


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