Mercy Me! WTA Recap

Due to my cable box acting up, I only got to watch parts of the WTA. We will call this recap and “mini recap” as it will be much shorter than usual and only hit on the major talking points.

CH decides to actually work a full episode for once and opens the show by welcoming all the women and the 5 men to the most dramatic Women Tell All ever! After witnessing most the season condensed into 15 minutes of recaps, CH’s ear piece starts to buzz. Apparently, the producers realize they need more to fill the 2 hours so the start to roll the footage of all the past Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects who randomly gather to share stories and STDs from their season. We get to witness Crazy Kasey’s “guard and protect your heart” tattoo again, Vienna’s lazy eye, Roz’s sexuality, and Ali and Roberto kiss. They were contractually obligated to show up and make out so ABC can flaunt their “successful” relationship.

Finally, after 30 minutes of nonsense, CH brings out this season’s ladies. Some of them I swear I’ve never seen before. Who is Stacy, the bartender again? Was she even on this show? This season? And why are we giving a whole segment to the cat fight between Raichel and Melissa? Who cares? Oh that’s right... gotta fill the 2 hours with something.

Next up on the hot seat is Michelle. I was all ready for the crazy but instead she brought the tears. And lots of them. Did you know she went on the show “for the right reasons”? And she has a daughter? That she mentioned for the first time on WTA? Because I never heard her talk about her on the show. But she’s a fabulous mother. But wait- oh snap! No you didn’t! Stacy the bartender from Boston is looking to further her 15 minutes of fame. She calls Michelle a bad mom for leaving her daughter to find a husband on a reality dating show. She wasn’t raised that way. She’s relentless. Until CH steps in to scold her with a “Really?” while Michelle sobs on the couch. And licks her lips. Man, she really drove me crazy with that last night!

Next in the hot seat is boring Ashley S. I really had to tune her out, her voice is so irritating. And she’s pretty boring. So the producers bring out Ashley H. Or her stunt double who looks nothing like her. CH questions her about everything and she remains so diplomatic you just know she’s vying for the next Bachelorette position.

Brad finally arrives and screams “Mercy” for the first 5 minutes he’s in the hot seat. Dr. Jamie must have told him to pick a new safe code word other than “no doubt about it” because I didn’t hear him utter that favorite phrase once! He tells everyone how he’s so happy now with whoever he picked and truly had a great experience on Round 2. CH warns him that this is his last chance, they laugh about it, and we get treated to 10 minutes of previews for next week’s finale.

So that’s it girls. What did you think? Did you notice how Shawntel and her creepy funeral home commercial weren’t mentioned at all? Why was CH still wearing that weird women’s ring? Did you think he was gonna have a smack down with bartender Stacy from Boston over making Michelle cry? Who else was hoping for that to liven up the show? And who do you think Brad will pick next week? Sweet Emily and Little Ricki or Chantal and her feathered headdress? Tune in next week to find out!

Brad Episode 9 Recap

The show opens with Brad packing his shit in New York City. Even though he’s traveling around the world for a few weeks, all his stuff fits in one tiny suitcase. Is this a guy thing? Or just good editing? Anyway, before Brad leaves, he goes back outside to the hotel balcony to “smell the fart” and ponder his commitment issues. We are treated to a video montage of each girl’s “journey” thus far with Brad’s voiceover telling us what he likes about each lady and what scares the be-jeezus out of him about each one.

Meanwhile, the ABC intern is again putting both his geography and computer graphics skills to use by showing an animated plane flying from NYC to South Africa. While Brad accepts the free booze from the 1st class flight attendant, he ponders his commitment issues some more.

Must pause... when the plane’s brakes screech into Cape Town I got a little nostalgic. I went there 14 years ago and LOVED it! Seeing Table Mountain made me remember my time there. Then Brad started talking about it being “dangerous” there and I had to laugh. Although ABC did not do a good job of portraying the country well either. If you only based your knowledge of it on what you saw, you’d think it was nothing but jungle. Funny.

The first date goes to Chantal where they meet to go on safari. Brad sums it up well.

Brad: “I’ve got a drop dead gorgeous woman on my right with a fantastic bush!” Or something like that...

They see lions sleeping and Brad gets a hard-on since apparently he likes the pussy.

Zambo carries the picnic basket to the river so the stupid white man can have a little champagne with Chantal. Zambo stands with a gun behind the cameraman while Brad and Chantal have a glass of bubbly and some worms while discussing how they both miss her family.

The evening portion of their date starts with dinner and Chantal hoping Brad lets her show him all sides of her.

Chantal: “Let’s just get married here. Forget the engagement!”

Brad: “Would you do that? Seriously?”

Chantal: “Well you don’t get engaged thinking you’re gonna get unengaged. And the whole point of an engagement is so it ends in marriage, right?”

Brad: “I wanna know- would you do that?”

Chantal: “I don’t take marriage lightly. I’m not someone who just goes and gets engaged to people and then decides if I’m serious or not. I just marry them and then figure out if they’re right for me. Like I did with my ex-husband.”

Brad eats it all up. After cracking his knuckles like a nervous school boy, he hands Chantal the fantasy suite date card from CH. He promises Chantal she can wear his white button down shirt again as long as she gets it dry cleaned by the next rose ceremony and the pair walks into the jungle to a tree house. Chantal feels cheated because she doesn’t get privacy walls. Or a fancy hotel room. Or running water. But she sucks it up so she can get into Brad’s pants and the two make out. There is no door to shut on the cameraman’s face so the ABC intern has to sic a rhino on the cameraman to get him to stop filming.

The second date is with Emily. Brad greets her in the middle of the wild and then immediately leaves her alone for 60 full seconds to go fetch the elephant he “forgot.” They ride the elephant around till they come to a watering hole where they see Chantal bathing. After discussing Little Ricki, Brad concludes that not only is he ready to be a father, and not only is he ready to be a father of a 5 year old, he’s also ready to be a father to someone else’s daughter even though he’s only met her one time for two hours. Brad and Emily make out, the elephants watch and apparently get off on it. I felt slightly like I was watching elephant porn.

They start dinner off with Brad sweating nervously about nothing. Emily sets his mind at ease by telling the cameraman she’s falling for Brad. Brad hands Emily the fantasy suite card from CH and instructs her to read it aloud. Does he not know how to read? Emily reads it and looks at the old skeleton key circa 1927. She wonders when tree houses got locks and asks the ABC intern to hook Little Ricki up with one back in Charlotte before informing Brad that she’s a mom and wants to set a good example of her daughter.

Emily: “But with that said, I told the babysitter to put Ricki to bed by 8:30 tonight so I’m hoping she’s no longer watching this show that is in every other way completely appropriate for a 5 year old so sure, what the heck! I’ll go with you!”

Brad and Emily actually get a room which they retire to so Emily can tell Brad she’s falling in love with him. Brad tells her he’s falling in love with her too. They make out on the hard wicker couch before the ABC intern kicks the cameraman out so Little Ricki can still respect her mom in the morning.

The third date goes to Ashley who greets Brad with a cheer she learned in 7th grade cheerleading camp. She’s also wearing a pair of jorts that are so short, the pockets are hanging out. They climb into a helicopter after Brad gives her trank to calm her down. She freaks out the whole ride. Possibly because there are no doors on the thing.

Brad educates everyone about the country of South Africa: “South Africa is a very large land full of a lot of animals.” Duh!

The two sit down on the top of a mountain to guzzle wine and talk about where they want to live. Brad faults her for having goals and wanting to be successful.

At dinner, Ashely leaves her bra at the hotel, whips a sheet around her and calls a steak dinner in the middle of nowhere a “traditional South African meal.” They beat the dead horse of how their relationship is going nowhere fast and once again discuss how they have nothing in common.

I thought Brad was going to forgo the forgo fantasy suite card. The ABC intern runs over and whispers in his ear that he is contractually obligated to offer it to the girls because they still have over an hour of screen time to fill. Brad also is informed that there is no way he will get any unless he offers the note from CH. Ashley accepts the card and they make their way back to a super nice hotel (Chantal got screwed with her “fantasy suite”- the only person’s who’s fantasy would be that treehouse would be a 10 year old boy!). Ashely and Brad don’t talk and don’t even kiss. Brad fantasizes about Emily while Ashely starts to talk about mosquito nets. Where is CH with his champagne glass to interrupt a date when you need him to anyway?

Brad gets ready for the rose ceremony by putting on his white button down shirt that Chantal wore and goes to meet CH for a few stiff ones. Drinks that is.

CH: “How are you feeling?”

Brad: “It’s difficult.”

CH: “Do you like my huge watch?”

Brad: “How is that going to help me make my decision?”

CH: “What about my girly ring?”

Brad: “Huh?”

CH: “South Africa is like the diamond capital of the world so I picked up a little bling for myself. You like it?”

Brad: “It looks like a woman’s ring Chris.”

CH: “Ok, so I stole it from the hooker that visited my treehouse last night. Let’s talk about how your date with Ashley was a disaster.”

CH then goes to welcome the women. Brad looks at each girls’ Glamour Shots picture and wonders where CH found a hooker in the bush. I wonder where he found the time to practice counting to 2.

Before handing out any roses, Brad throws up a bit before pulling Ashley aside to ask her who he should cast his vote with.

Ashley: “What are you talking about?”

Brad: “Didn’t you and the girls have a contest tonight to see who could wear the ugliest dress?”

Ashley: “No!”

Brad: “Well then never mind. But I guess since I have you alone we should talk about how we have nothing in common some more.”

They talk circles around one another and apologize for everything and nothing before Brad kicks Ashley to the curb.

“No rose ceremony for you!” (said like the Soup Nazi!)

Brad walks Ashley to the reject elephant then returns to give the remaining roses to Chantal and Emily.

So that is where we leave it before the final rose ceremony. What do you think? Will we really learn “all” next week or nothing like usual? Do you really think Emily and Chantal were forced to stand the whole time Brad was talking to Ashley? Who do you think will get the final rose?

I’ll be back next week to recap the Women Tell All special and then one more week till the finale! Until then...

Brad Episode 8 Recap

Tonight’s show opens with 10 minutes of previews of what we are about to see/what we’ve seen the last 7 weeks. Then Brad welcomes us to NY city, where he’s packing his duffle bag for a trip to all the girls’ hometowns while wearing the chauffeur's hat he stole form Julio. Why is he in NYC anyway? Doesn’t he live in Texas? And isn’t the show is filmed in LA? Seriously ABC how did we end up in NYC? Anyhow, we get to see Chantal’s rapid weight gain, Ashely’s nervousness, Shawntel’s bike riding skills, and Emily’s tragic past before Brad takes off to meet the ladies’ families.

First hometown date is with Chantal in Seattle, Washington. She meets Brad wearing her patented season 22 scarf. Brad joins her wearing a dorky leather vest. They hug, then walk around Seattle before thanking each other for nothing and doubting themselves for everything. They head to Chantal’s house to meet her 53 cats and dog that she has dressed up. They drink a couple of beers, then head over to Chantal’s parents’ house. And by parents’ house, I mean, mansion that is really just a Hollywood studio’s set. There, he meets her mom who looks like she is about 30 years old, her dad who looks like Donny Osmond, and little brother who looks like Justin Beiber with shorter hair. Chantal and Daddy sit outside to talk about Brad. She drops the L word and Donny starts to sweat like CH in a cheap suit. Man, could he have looked any more nervous? Brad then takes his turn with the dad outside to discuss a statue the family paid poor immigrants to carve with little hammers and toothpicks. Then they retire inside to bash their fathers. Meanwhile, Chantal and her mom sit on studio set C to talk about trusting their hearts. Brother Justin is suspiciously absent but the lyrics to “Baby” are heard floating thru the house.

Next hometown date is with Ashley in Maine, even though she’s supposed to be from Philly, Pennsylvania. They go to lunch at the bar she worked at in high school to eat some “puts-in” which is just fries and gravy. Ashley feeds him steaming hot french fries and criticizes his crowns while burning his mouth. Then they pick up food for dinner before making out in front of a tourist sign while making Julio take pictures of them. Julio then drives them to Ashley’s parents’ house where Brad gets to meet Mom, Dad, some girl with a bunch of tattoos and a random guy. Ashley becomes “drunk” with love and she starts humping Brad like a dog in heat. They all sit down to eat the food Brad bought before dad pulls Brad aside to ask him if he wants to have kids.

Dad: “So do you want kids?”

Brad: “Absolutely. Does she?”

Dad: “Not sure. You might want to ask her that.”

Brad: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. That’s something I don’t know about her. Hmmm...”

Meanwhile, Ashley sits uncomfortably close to the three other family members on the tiny couch and admits that she really doesn’t know Brad. She likes him but isn’t in love with him yet. They talk about her finishing school and being almost done with it. Isn’t she a dentist? Don’t you need to graduate in order to be a dentist?

Brad visits Shawntel’s hometown next, Chico, California. Their date starts in a cemetery. Shawntel too is wearing the patented season 22 scarf. She decides the way to Brad’s heart is to educate him on death. Or just scaring him to death. She gives him the tour of the funeral home and teaches him how to use the crematory.

Then she takes Brad to meet her mom, dad, and two younger sisters. He’s surprised that since this family deals with death every day that they are so full of life! He’s also surprised that her family doesn’t want her to move to Austin. I mean, that would just be crazy. Right? To move across the country to marry a guy you have known for 4 weeks! However, dad lays on the guilt and explains to Shawntel how her moving away from town would affect the whole community! Why, her 2 week vacation has already had catastrophic national consequences! I’m sure her not preforming the cremation of the boy she went to high school with is what caused all the problems in Egypt right now!

Meanwhile, while dad tells Shawntel how her having a life of her own is ruining his life, Brad, the guy who owns and operates bars for a living, decided to make a cocktail for mom in the kitchen. By his own words, he gives her a glass of fruit juice before the two sit down to chat. They tell each other nothing. I think mom is a mute. Seriously- did she say a single word? I’m guessing the dad doesn’t let her talk.

Last hometown date is with Emily in Charlotte, North Carolina. Brad meets Emily and Ricky in a park where Emily is carrying her 5 year old daughter around on her hip. Brad shows how awkward he is around children by continually just repeating “hi” to Ricky after forcing her to take a gift. Then Brad continued to creep me out by referring to Ricky as “Little Ricky” every time he talked about her. They eat a picnic, fly a kite, and somehow everyone feels great about each other again before they return to Emily’s house for a game of Candyland. Brad and Emily tuck Ricky into bed, turn off the lights, and leave her alone in her bedroom with a cameraman so they can head back downstairs for some wine and kissing. Wait! No wine? No kissing? Brad somehow feels like not kissing Emily is respectful because she has a daughter. He tries to leave but Emily has been jonesing for a kiss all day and won’t let him leave without planting a wet one on him at the front door. She tells the camera that the day was perfect and she’s never been this happy.

Brad goes back to NYC for a sit-down with CH. Brad has apparently fired Dr. Jamie and ABC has put the king back in his place. Brad and CH rehash the show and all the hometown dates. They also discuss why CH is wearing a sweater vest a la Chandler Bing under his suit coat. Romantic piano music plays in the background. CH goes to let the women in to the rose ceremony while Brad stares at their Glamour Shots pictures. He finds the answers he’s looking for by looking out the hotel window.

Roses go to Emily, Chantal, and Ashley. Shawntel and her hair Bump-It is released back to the custody of her father.

So that is where we end week 8. With the “I mean that; I truly do- no doubt about it” count at 86 for the week, we head into the fantasy suite dates in South Africa. Hopefully the next dates are a little more exciting than this week. I will be back then!

So Sorry!

I apologize for the delay... my recap will not be up today; hopefully by tomorrow. I have been without power for the last 24 hours and have not even watched the show yet. Please check back tomorrow! Thank you for your patience. I mean that. I truly do. Thank you very much. It means a lot to me. Truly, it does.

Brad Episode 7 Recap

First of all, before I get to the recap, I’d like to give a shout out to the commenters from last week. It’s so nice to know that people not only read this blog, but also enjoy it. I’m glad I can make you chuckle. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. I mean that. Truly I do. Now on to the show!

The show opens with 10 minutes of previews, followed by an Anguillian bongo player who may or may not have been Banky Banx. The girls arrive via jet boat after the ABC intern again makes a great use of the graphics department as he shows an airplane flying from Costa Rica to Anguilla on a map. His high school geography teacher must be so proud!

CH finally makes an appearance at the girls’ “villa” and a shocking announcement! He tells the girls that instead of only 3 dates this week, there will be 4! Three 1 on 1 dates without roses and one group date with a rose. He drops the first date card on the futon and makes like an atom and splits.

1st date: “3 things I would bring to a deserted island: champagne, picnic lunch, and Emily.” 3 things I’d bring to a deserted island would be sunscreen, beer, and my cell phone to call someone to come get me but Emily would be 4th on my list even so I can forgive Brad’s earlier stupidity.

Brad picks Emily up and takes her to what looks like the reject bench. He gives her some champagne before “surprising” her with a helicopter ride to a phallic shaped island.

The pair shares an awkward lunch of “magical” fruits. I know they are magical because one second Brad and Emily’s hair is dry, the next second it’s wet, and a minute later it’s dry again. Brad cries to the camera how in love with her he is, the two make out, and Emily looks hot.

Emily rocks the side bang braid once again at dinner. Although she could rock a paper bag too probably. Brad asks her if he’ll get to meet her daughter if he gives her a rose. Emily sighs deeply because she’s a good mom as well as a hot piece. She doesn’t introduce little Ricky to guys she’s dating but knows Brad will not purpose without meeting her. Brad “breaks the Bachelor rules” once again and tells Emily she’s going to get a rose. No doubt about it. He really means it. Truly. He keeps glancing nervously over his shoulder, expecting CH to show up with a rule book and a butter knife. No CH, but the ABC intern does show up to remind them to make out a bit in the water so they do.

2nd date: Shawntel- “Let’s Find Love on the Streets of Anguilla.” Shawntel too decides to rock the side bang braid for her date (although she can’t pull it off as well as Emily- duh!) and goes to meet Brad in the streets of Anguilla. No one told Shawntel not to wear a skirt because they’d be riding Greg Brady bikes around town but she’s a good sport and doesn’t say anything even when the cameraman gets a Brittney shot while she’s pedaling. They huff and puff around town before arriving at a flea market. Shawntel hears music playing and attempts to dance. Brad plays it smart and pretends not to notice. They become friends with the natives and play double dutch and dominos with a group of grown men.

Shawntel tells Brad she’s falling in love with him. He tells her that means a lot to him. Really it does. Thank you. Very much. But he is confused because he had such a great date with Emily. He decides he needs to measure his feelings. Who does that? And do you think he’s using a ruler?

They finish their dinner, it starts to rain, and they both act as if they’ve never seen rain before (let alone the monsoon from last week). They kiss in the “magical” rain before the most famous singers in the restaurant, if not the whole hotel, play a concert for them and the “extras” ABC paid to dance along. Then they slip away to make out in the water, per Brad’s rule book.

3rd date: “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” for Britt. At over 30 minutes into the episode, we finally get our first look at Crazy Michelle. She’s hoping Brad and Britt’s boat sinks. Because if she can’t have him, no one can!

Brad picks Britt up in a yacht. The rest of the date is so boring, I think I fell asleep for a bit.

Rapunzel lets her hair down for dinner. She’s a food writer but she’s so skinny I wonder if she ever actually eats. The two make small talk during dinner before Brad puts me out of my misery and tells Britt that even though she’s nice, she’s boring as hell and she’s going home. He is breaking all the rules tonight! He whistles for the dinghy and makes her paddle back to shore by herself. Best walk of shame ever!

4th date is for Ashley, Chantal, and Michelle- “Dawn of a new love.” Which means at 2:07 a.m., Brad “breaks in” to the ladies’ villa and wakes them up to start their group date. Nothing like letting girls only get two hours of sleep before filling them with alcohol and sending them on a group date to watch them all make out together.

They all get made up except Chantal. Ashley and Michelle look great with beautiful hair and makeup. Chantal looks like she just climbed out of the ocean after swimming for days. Somehow the photographer convinces Ashley to take off her top. They give her tiny sea shells to hide her breasts behind. They are actually hidden- bless her. Chantal is up next and she’s not into it. She’s feeling “fat” but it doesn’t stop her from whipping her top off the second the photographer suggests it. Michelle realizes she’s got the hottest body of the three but needs to do something bigger than take off her top so she ropes Brad into being in the picture with her. She straddles him and kisses him and Ashley and Chantal begin to melt down.

They wrap the photo shoot and head over to the pool for a pool party and some wacky green drinks. Each girl gets a little alone time with Brad before Brad finally gives the date rose to Ashley.

After the group date from hell, Brad really needs a therapy session with Dr. Jamie. Unfortunately, ABC couldn’t afford to fly fake therapists to Anguilla either so instead Brad finds the answers he’s looking for by staring at the pictures of the remaining girls. CH scares the shit out of him by sneaking up behind him and patting his back.

CH: “You wanted to see me? This better be important Womack. I’d like to get back to my room and continue practicing counting to 3 before the rose ceremony.”

Brad: “No, this is important. It’s really important. I mean that Chris. I really do. But can I be honest with you?”

CH: “Speed it up Brad. The ice cubes in my scotch are melting and I don’t like watered down drinks.”

Brad: “Ok, here it is. I don’t need a cocktail party tonight. I know who I want to send home. Truly. I really do. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you very much.”

Ashley already has a rose. The other three roses go to Emily, Shawntel, and Chantal. Joining Britt in the swim back to the states is Crazy Michelle. Right after she takes a little nap in the back seat of the reject limo that is.

So that’s where we are after 14 hours into this mess. Does Brad’s constant repeating of the last sentence he says bug anyone else? Does it bug anyone else? Does it bug you how Michelle constantly licks her lips? Do you think that girl needs some Chapstick? With Brad’s “Can-I-Be-Honest-With-You?” count for the week at an astonishing number 47, we head into the hometown dates. Who will get cut next?

Honestly...

I have something to tell you. I really, really do. My recap today is going to be nice. Really nice. But can I be honest with you? Can I? It won't be up till later today. Right now I'm just going to lay down in the backseat of my car and take a little nap. Thank you for your patience. I mean that. I truly do.

Brad Episode 6 Recap

The show opens with Brad traveling to Costa Rica, talking about how he’s a different man since the last time he was the Bachelor. He’s also glad he’s gotten a second chance at finding love. I pause to wonder how ABC has control over if Brad finds love again. Did he have to sign some contract that says if he doesn’t pick someone, ABC has control of his heart?

The ABC intern again uses the graphics to show a map with a plane flying from Vegas to Costa Rica. The girls arrive in Costa Rica in their yoga pants and solid color tank tops, sans scarves. Michelle tells us she’s more sure than ever that she can "make" Brad fall in love with her. Ahhh- the romance! Brad greets the girls at the hotel and walks them to their “amazing” villa. Then he drops the first date card on the table and makes like proms dress and takes off.

“Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight” for Chantal.

Michelle is up set that Chantal gets the one on one date. She’s also confused why it wasn’t her. I am starting to question if she has ever watched this show before.

Michelle: “If she’s the girl for him, then clearly I am not.”

Me: “No shit!”

Michelle: “I can only hope Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes! Or Chantal gets attacked by golden retrievers. Or dogs!”

Meanwhile, Chantal is preparing for her date by powdering her face and neck and packing her bags. She also changes into a fresh tank top and yoga pants. Brad picks her up, pops her in a helicopter, and takes her to the longest zip line course in the world.

Before taking off, Chantal makes a completely inappropriate comment about seeing Brad at the end of the course and being “nice and wet.” They zip alone, they zip together, they make out in the rain, then go shower for a romantic dinner.

Their coconut picnic dinner gets rained out after about two mintues. The pair seem confused why it keeps raining on them. The intern tells them they are in a freakin’ rain forest and the pair runs to Brad’s hotel room to dry off. Brad gives Chantal a white button down shirt of his to wear but nothing else. He gets so turned on by her that he has to excuse himself for a few minutes. He finally gives her the rose. I’m sure she was also hoping for a pair of pants. That poor cameraman had to do some quick moves to avoid a Brittney shot.

Second date is a group date for Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel, and Britt- “Love Springs Eternal.” They are going rappelling down a waterfall. Jackie (like me) is deathly afraid of heights. But she sucks it up and does it. Michelle, however, is pissed! She thinks Jackie is being a drama queen. She also is mad that they are rappelling again on their group date- that was supposed to be her and Brad’s special thing! But she’s most upset by how nice Brad is being to all the other girls. Apparently she’s hoping to be with a guy who likes to slap girls around?

Michelle’s bi-polar disorder shows through as soon as Brad tells her they are going to rappel down together. She’s no longer mad at all! She’s so happy again and confident she’s getting the rose.

The group date then moves to a hot springs. Apparently there were no hot tubs available that weekend. They drink some shots before Brad pulls Jackie aside to tell her how proud he is of her. I think he accidentally read a parenting magazine before the date. Even though that seems like the worse compliment you could get from a boy you like, Jackie doesn’t seem to mind what he says to her as long as they are alone together.

Michelle also gets some alone time with our Bachelor. She again starts to show him her crazy side. And I’m not talking about her fun crazy side or her wild and crazy side. I’m talking her certifiable side. She basically yells at him for taking Chantal on the one on one date but is even more upset because Chantal also got a rose on that date. He shuts her up by kissing her.

Brad finally ends the date by giving the rose to.... NO ONE! He’s gonna teach those whiney bitches to stop playing games!

The third date is for Alli- “Meet me at the alter.” In a strange twist of irony, Brad picks Alli up for their date on a horse. Why were those tiny horse following them though? They ride the horses to a muddy stream to wade in ankle deep water through a huge rock with a crack in the middle. Alli, who has already shown us how afraid she is of bugs, continues to demonstrate child-like behavior and tells Brad how afraid she is of just about everything on their date.

They finally make their way through the cave, go shower, and meet on a two square foot “island” floating in the middle of a swimming pool for dinner. How did they even get out there?

Brad: “So tell me about your last relationship. How long did it last? Why did it end? Did he die of boredom from spending time with you?”

Alli: “It was 2 years. He was a great guy but just not great for me. Has that ever happened to you? You know what I’m talking about?”

Brad: (letting out huge sigh of relief and a nervous laughter) “Oh boy do I ever! Thanks for getting this conversation started for me. I like you as a person Alli, but not as a girl for me. So I can’t give you this rose.”

Brad walks Alli to the reject limo, goes back to his hotel room to sulk and there is a knock at the door. I fully expect it to be Dr. Jamie, but apparently it wasn’t in ABC’s budget to fly fake therapists to Costa Rica for Brad. Instead, the producers realize there is 45 minutes left to fill in the show and tell Crazy Michelle which hotel room is Brad’s. They gave her the push she didn’t even need.

They sit on his couch and she hits Brad before telling him she misses him when they aren’t together and then starts kissing him. Then she starts in on Chantal again. Even though Brad has told her a number of times that he doesn’t want to talk about the other girls, Michelle starts listing each of their flaws and why he should send them home. She also tells him she was pissed that he didn’t give out a rose on the group date while groping him.

The rose ceremony cocktail party arrives and so does a somber Brad. He admits to the ladies that he’s had a rough week and has caught some flack for not giving out a rose on the group date.

Einstein Chantal cracks the code that it had to be Michelle who gave him shit about the rose but they all wonder when she had time to talk to him about that. Shawntel asks Brad outright who it was but he doesn’t spill the beans. So they play the quiet game and make out.

After being questioned by every girl left, Michelle finally admits to the girls that she went to Brad’s room and gave him grief for not giving out a rose on the group date. But she assures them that she didn’t bad mouth any of them. This is after she has told Brad in their alone time that she only told him who to send home because he made her. I’m starting to think she doesn’t realize this is all taped.

CH finally arrives with his champagne glass of doom. I was afraid ABC didn’t fly him to Costa Rica either and I was worried who would count to 5 for Brad.

Chantal is the only one who has a rose. The rest go to Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel, and Michelle. Which means that joining Alli in the reject limo is Jackie.

So that is where we ended the week. What did you think? Anyone else sick of hearing Brad “woo-hooing” everything they do? With the side forehead braid count at 42 this week, we are heading to Anguilla. See you there!