Tonight’s show opens with Brad walking around barefoot in the grass, talking about how he’s a different person than he was three years ago. He can now even walk on sharp, painful rocks without shoes on due to intense therapy. It does “amazing” things!

CH gathers the 57 remaining girls in the living room of the mansion that has freshly painted bright blue walls. I guess the ABC intern had to put a fresh coat of paint on them after Dave and Natalie spent time alone in there with a bottle of Jack. CH tells the girls that not everyone will get a date each week and to use all time with Brad wisely. Show some leg. Show some cleavage. Slip him the tongue whenever possible. Then he slips the first date card on the table and makes like a tree and leaves as the girls all scream like they’ve never seen this show before and didn’t know it was coming.

1st Date: “The Road to Love Is A Wild Ride!” for Ashely H. She’s “amazed” that he picked her and she can’t wait to clean his teeth!

Brad picks H. up. She obviously forgot to pack clothes so the other girls have wrapped her in aluminum foil and tissue paper and tied a giant bow around her waist. Brad drives H. to a dirt road and stops the car to tell her the story of the kids who ran out of gas on that very road. The guy went to get some and when he was gone it started to rain really hard. The girl stayed in the car until morning when she got out and saw her boyfriend hanging dead from the tree about the car. It hadn’t rained after all- that was his blood pouring down on the car! Just kidding! That isn’t what really happened. It’s really a creepy carnival from the movie Big. They visit Zelda first and ask to be in a real relationship. The next morning Brad wakes up as Tom Hanks.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the girls’ slumber party in their panties is interrupted by the ABC intern delivering the next date card: “Let’s Share Something From the Heart.” This date is for Keltie, Shawntel, Madison, Melissa, Kimberly, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Meghan, Emily, Stacey, Alli, Chantal, Michelle, and Lisa. I’m pretty sure some of those girls were not even there the first night.

Back on the date, Brad and H. share some cotton candy in the photo booth before she scores the first kiss and the fact that Daddy was never there for her. Brad about creams himself upon hearing this news because guess what- his dad wasn’t ever there for him either! He gives H. the rose and they make out some more.

Date 2 begins and Melissa and her Tori Spelling boob job worry about finding a connection with Brad. The limo pulls up to a blood drive and Madison’s skin starts to sparkle as she drools with anticipation! Michelle and her dinner plate earrings is annoyed by the date and having to share Brad with 47 other girls. And it’s her BIRTHDAY! Her 30th b-day no less and she isn’t feeling special.

Continuing with the theme of Michelle being pissed about the date and having to share Brad on her b-day, she is T.O.ed that Britt gets to kiss Brad in a scripted scene the Red Cross put together and stomps off to sulk. Because it’s her birthday! She can cry if she wants to. No one notices she left. No one cares. But the ABC intern makes Brad go talk to her. He recognizes crazy when he sees it and is looking for a promotion! Brad tells Michelle to stop her crying because they’re going to go have some “clean fun without any kissing.” They all head up to the roof of the Roosevelt hotel for drinks and baths. You know, cause it’s “clean” fun.

The group date rose goes to Crazy Michelle (which she will now be called because she’s crazy!) because it’s her birthday. That and the fact that Brad is afraid of her killing him while he sleeps if he doesn't.

Back at the mansion, the 3rd date card arrives for Jackie: “Let’s Get Our Love on Track.” This means that Lindsay, Sarah, and Ashley S. do not get a date this week.

Jackie’s date arrives and Brad takes her to Rodeo Drive for the Pretty Woman date of the season. Jackie has her pick of about 50 beautiful dresses but she chooses the ugliest, most old fashioned one. Brad lies and tells her she’s beautiful and adorns her with jewels from Neil Lane so they can fulfill their sponsor contract. The pair hops in Brad’s mom’s Ford Taurus to drink champagne while she drives the two to senior prom at the Hollywood Bowl where Train is preforming. Man, that band has a thing with ABC reality shows! Brad gives Jackie the rose at the end of the date even though he feels she has commitment issues that scare him.

While all this was happening, Emily was back at the mansion pimping out her daughter on national TV to try to get a rose. She misses her daughter and loves her so much. In fact, she loves her so much she’s left her for weeks on end to go find a new daddy for her on a reality dating show. By the way, other than the fact that this girl is on this show, she seems so normal. She’s also freaking beautiful! Why can’t she find little Ricki a new Daddy like a normal person would? Or at least at the bar down the street from home?

The cocktail party before the rose ceremony finally arrives and it is a good thing. My DVR is caught up and I can’t handle not being able to fast forward. Two minutes into the party, Crazy Michelle with her rose steals Brad away to ask him if he prefers Starbucks or the Coffee Bean. I had to pause here to wonder what the Coffee Bean is and why we don’t have one in northwest Ohio. Brad had to pause to wonder why he gave her a rose and if he could take it back. One look from CH hiding in the shadows shaking his head no confirms to Brad that he is stuck with this lunatic one more week.

While Crazy Michelle is quizzing Brad on the contents of his fridge, Melissa and her hard-on for Raichel tracks Raichel down and starts another fight. Raichel tries to get the other girls on her side. They quickly realize they want no part of that sinking ship. Melissa and her Tori Spelling boobs start calling everyone a psycho. Except for Madison. She doesn't want her blood sucked so she kisses up to the vampire. Then she goes to find Brad and tattle to him. Brad looks so uncomfortable during their convo, like he’d rather be anywhere else. But because he’s a gentleman and ABC doesn’t want him to look like an ass again, they make him go talk to Raichel about it.

CH arrives to stir up the otherwise lame party with Ali and Roberto to help Brad figure out who is there for the right reasons and who is there to land the summer 2011 season of the Bachelorette role. Because you know- Ali is a great judge of character! Just look at how she thought Jake was great. Oh wait... Well how about Frank? Oh yeah, that didn’t work out so great either. Hmmm.... moving on!

By the way, it was nice to see that someone finally cut off Ali’s awful hair extensions. But why couldn’t the producers find a suit that fit poor Robby better than the tight one he wore to the final rose ceremony last season?

The pair talks to the girls and then Brad sits down with the fame seekers looking to extend their 15 minutes and decides to give the “Ali and Roberto like you” rose to Emily.

At last CH enters with his champagne glass of doom.

CH: “Ladies, Brad... it’s time for me to show off my counting skills. Brad, please come with me so we can make fun of the three girls you’re gonna eliminate.”

Brad reemerges from the chat with CH and makes a speech about feeling closer to these “amazing” women than he did with anyone after spending a month with them the last time he was on this show.

Ashely H., Crazy Michelle, Jackie, and Emily already have roses. The other 98 roses for the night go to Chantal, Sarah (who the hell is she?), Alli, Kimberly, Shawntel, Stacey, Ashley S., Madison, Lisa, Marissa, Meghan, Lindsay, and Britt. That means that going home is Keltie, Melissa, and Raichel who cries on the way out because her dress is too short and too tight and her boobs are about to pop out!

So that’s where we stand after week two of round two. What are your thoughts? Discuss in the comments section and I will be back next week!

Brad Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor opens with a new profile picture of a man standing on a beach alone. Foreshadowing? Immediately the camera cuts away to a shot of the mansion, freshly hosed down for the man himself: Chris Harrison!

CH: “Welcome to the most shocking season ever! Well except for last season. Oh yeah, and the one a few seasons before that.”

Then we hear Brad’s voice over while seeing footage of him sending both DeAnna and Jenny packing three years ago. According to Brad now (after years of intense therapy), he knew the minute he shut the limo door on DeAnna’a fat ass that he’s made a huge mistake. Even though two months after that at the filming of the After The Final Rose, Brad insisted he’d done the right thing. Then we see Brad sitting alone in his apartment, watching reruns on his VCR of the final episode from his first season and crying, all while wearing a leather bracelet I had when I was in 4th grade after returning from a family vacation to Hilton Head.

Wait a minute ABC! Where is the footage of hot Brad showering? Where is the footage of hot Brad running shirtless on a beach? Of him working out half naked? If I wanted to watch a guy cry alone in the rain I would have rented Sleepless In Seattle. Unfortunately, I have to sit through 25 more minutes of Brad crying while looking at ponds and leaning over balconies before we finally see the goods! Jogging shirtless! Playing with kids ABC paid to pretend to be his family. Swimming! Climbing a mountain confidently! Doing push-ups! Jumping rope! This is the Bachelor we all love! I was afraid for a minute that I’d accidentally DVRed a Pamprin commercial instead.

And now, after 45 minutes of Brad rehashing every therapy session, we finally get to meet some of the crazies!

Ashley H.- dentist/mouth artist. Seriously her words. She also calls herself a “dancer” which means she likes to whip her hair around half naked in her apartment. Crazy meter: 6.

Shawntel: funeral director who talks about dying with the bachelor before she’s even met him. Crazy meter: 7.

Ashley S.- sweet girl who’s ready for love. Any self-proclaimed sweet girl is usually a bitch. Or crazy. Or both. Crazy meter: 9.

Chantal: car salesman for her daddy. She’ll be selling a story to the bachelor that will go something like this “The other girls are not here for the right reasons. I get 20 miles to the gallon if you know what I mean.” Bitch meter: 8.

Michelle: single mom who asks her 3 year old to help her find a new daddy. Crazy meter: 6- she’ll be gone by the end of episode 2.

Raichel: man-scaper. That alone screams crazy! Oh yeah and she has huge boobs!

Meghan: “works in fashion”= sales girl at retail store for minimum wage at the mall.

Madison: model/vampire. Crazy meter: off the freaking charts! By the way, is she wearing fangs?!?

Emily: married Ricky at age 19 and they loved each other till the day he died in a tragic plane crash. Two days later, she found out she was pregnant. She’s still in love with her dead husband. She will go far but she won’t win it.

Chris Harrison comes back to tell us these women have no clue that Brad is the Bachelor.

CH: “I know you already know this because they keep saying things like ‘mystery bachelor’ and ‘I don’t know who it is!’ That is thanks to our trusty ABC intern and his handy dandy scripts he’s provided for the girls that know how to read. Let’s see what happens when the girls find out it’s Brad! But before then, I want to sit down with the man himself to have a chat. I want to practice my acting skills so let’s see if you think I still hate this guy like the last time ABC made me talk to him at the After the Final Rose ceremony three years ago.”

Brad and Ch sit down. Brad blames his dad for everything. CH pretends to listen. I pretend to care.

The ABC intern parades in DeAnna and Jenny. Brad craps his pants.

Jenny: “Chris, why are we here again? I’m married. I don’t care anymore.”

DeAnna: “Yeah, me too. It’s obvious I don’t care by the 20 pounds I’ve gained in the last 3 years. And where is the free booze we were promised? I remember there being a lot more alcohol in this mansion! And I said I’d only do this if you paid for my wedding to Stagliono. Are you guys still gonna do that? I want it aired on prime time too!”

CH: “Girls, just sit there with your legs crossed. If it helps you feel better about yourself, put your left hand with the giant bling on your knee so everyone knows you’re now taken. And intern, bring some Ketel One for everyone. I could sure use a stiff one myself. We’re only 25 minutes into the first episode for pete’s sake! Better make mine a double.”

These four rehash the season from three years ago. It’s hard for me to listen. Why does anyone care about how Jenny and DeAnna feel about Brad being the bachelor again? I fast forward...

The limos are finally arriving! I’ve lost so much interest so here are my thoughts on only the memorable ones:

Chantal: slaps Brad.

Nanny Ashley: grabs Brad’s butt

Meghan: forgot to wear pants but did remember to put on her ugly hooker shoes

Melissa: has a Tori Spelling boob job

Britnee: made Brad open the limo door for her intead of letting Julio earn his paycheck

Stacy: doesn’t know who Brad is. And is a liar. No one goes on this show without having watched it before.

Brad greets all the girls and then follows them into the mansion to get to know them all better. The girls all cat call and clap when he enters. They continue to hike up their strapless dresses. And we hear for the 20th time how Brad has spent the last three years in therapy. Then he mentions Tenely’s ex husband and Chris L.’s mom who died in a rainbow. He finally ends his speech by begging some of the lunatics to leave. No one does so he breaks out the booze and declares it a party!

All the girls grill Brad about his true intentions and what he’s been doing for the last 3 years.

Brad: “I’ve been in therapy. Didn’t you hear me say it 50 times already? I was afraid to commit because of my dad but now I’m ready to get married.”

Ok ABC intern- time to give the girls a new script. This story line is getting old. Let’s have one of the girls sleep with a cameraman or something! At least that story was fun!

Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose about half way through the night. Which strikes me as funny since that really isn’t what a first impression is. Then he sneaks back upstairs with one of the sluttier girls and a bottle of scotch.

Raichel tries to wax Brad’s arms. Renee keeps trying (unsuccessfully) to steal Brad away from any girl he is talking to. The vampire sits with Brad and scares the hell out of him before trying to suck his blood. Brad asks her if she is wearing fangs. It was probably the blood dripping off them and the worn paperback copy of “Twilight” sticking out of the back of her dress that gave her away.

Finally, after 20 impressions, Brad gives away the first impression rose to Ashley S. And that allows Chris Harrison to come back banging his champagne glass of doom.

Brad passes out the remaining 19 roses to Michelle, Kimberly, Madison, Emily, Raichel, Keltie, Ashley H., Meghan, Lisa M., Lindsay, Alli, Sarah P., Marissa, Britt, Stacey, Shawntel, Jackie, Melissa, and after Chris Harrison interupts to show off his mad counting skills, Chantal.

So that’s where we stand after week one of Brad Round 2. Nothing too exciting happened yet. But the previews promise us a season of crazy so I’m sticking around! Until next week...

Ali Men Tell All Recap

CH welcomes us to the show: "Welcome to one hour of recaps, mixed with 40 minutes of commercials, and 20 minutes of new footage. Justin and Frank aren't here tonight. They are meeting to discuss the details of Frank's screenplay for a made-for-TV movie of Justin's life titled 'Justin: the PG Story of the Rated-R Wrestler.' Now only two men remain, Chris and Roberto. All of America is watching to see who will become Ali's husband!" At this point, CH bursts out laughing. He turns to the producers and asks, "Really? I can't just say who will become Ali's boyfriend for the next six weeks till they break up?"

We now get to view a pre-taped conversation between CH and Ali that has been heavily edited. Get it? Heavily? I made a pun about Ali's weight? No? Ok, moving on... CH and Ali rehash the season and we get to see recaps of the last 9 weeks.

CH: "Let's talk about some of these guys... Kirk and his scrapbook where he called his mom beautiful, crazy Kasey and his tattoo, Kirk's dad with the dead animals in the basement. What did you think of it all?"

Ali: (giggling) "Ha ha ha! Those were classic Chris! But I couldn't be rude to their faces. Like when Kasey showed me his tattoo, I tried to sound positive. Now that it's just you and me Chris, I can laugh about it and tell you I was so uncomfortable! These guys were stone cold crazy!"

CH: "It's not just you and me Ali. We're filming this to show at the Men Tell All special."

Ali: "Oops! I meant to say, those guys welcomed me into their homes and hearts. They are all so sweet!" (giggles)

CH: "Good cover Ali. Moving on... Let's talk about your date with crazy Kasey at the museum."

Ali: (giggling) "Huh?"

CH: "You're saying you have no recollection of this?" (shows her video footage of date)

Ali giggles more and shakes her head no.

CH: "How can you not remember this?"

Ali: "I was probably wasted and blacked out. I was drunk for about 90% of the filming. I'm drunk now!"

Next, the most memorable bachelors from this season return. Or so says CH. It was more like 10 guys who agreed to be on this episode. Because I'm sure some of these guys were never on TV before, much less this show! Each guy gets the chance to talk about the experience: they rip on Kasey, the weatherman, big hair Craig, and Rated-R Justin. Except Chris N.- he doesn't say a word.

Finally CH sits down with Kasey.

CH: "What possessed you to get that tattoo?"

Kasey: "The ABC intern gave me $10 to do it. And I thought it was the best way to guard and protect someone's heart."

Notice, we never saw the tattoo.

At this point I become very bored. I end up fast forwarding thru most of the garbage that we've already seen at least 10 times. A few things I did notice is that Craig R. has become the expert on everyone and everything! CH goes to him for every comment about it all.

Some random guy: "Justin was a jerk for two timing Ali!"

CH: "I agree. Craig, how to do you feel about it?"

Craig: "Well I have to say he is a jerk and a chicken for leaving the way he did. And I am NOT friends with him like he's been saying."

CH: "Let's talk about Kasey's tattoo."

Another random guy: "Yeah that was pretty crazy!"

CH: "Craig, what do you think about it?"

Craig: "Kasey is bat shit crazy but he's still my friend."

CH: "Well that about wraps up our show. Any final thoughts guys? Craig R?"

Craig: "If you are hurt or injured in an accident and need a lawyer, please call me!"

Unfortunately, that wasn't really the end of the show. ABC has gotten special permission from the CIA for Jesse to be on the show and dish about her inside info on Justin. And extend her 15 minutes of fame. Oh wait, that's in two weeks when she appears on Bachelor Pad. Jesse recaps how this info just "fell into her lap" and CH opens questions up to the audience for the expert Jesse. First he goes to Ali. Oh wait, that was just a pregnant woman in a bad outfit. The women all bash Justin and everyone cheers. Craig R. agrees since he's the expert on everything.

Ali arrives wearing a disco ball dress. Her hair has been "done" by a flock of angry birds. She pretends that Justin and Frank leaving didn't send her into therapy for her insecurity issues. She laughs at the guys who all tell her she's great. Then the producers pay Kasey $20 to sing to Ali again.

Finally we get to see what I actually like about the MTA- funny out-takes. And last we get to see 10 minutes of recaps of Chris and Roberto's journey so far, 10 minutes of previews for next week's finale along with 15 minutes of previews for the Bachelor Pad which starts in two weeks.

So that's it. That's all I've got. It was the worst MTA but luckily I DVRed it and was able to fast forward thru most of the BS. Including the 20/20 special that aired from 10-11. Shame on you ABC for billing it as "new" only to show us about 5 minutes of new stuff before parading out the same stuff as last time. Oh well, hopefully this Wed. night on E! (10:00) we will actually learn something new in the "where are they now?" special. Depending on how good it is, I might recap that so check back Thur./Fri. Until then...

Ali Episode 9 Recap

Chris from Cap Cod opens this installment of the Bachelorette standing on the ledge of a building, looking like he's about to jump off. I would be too before admitting I was falling in love with Ali. He waits a full 13 seconds into the episode to mention his dead mom. Oh yeah, and he's blushing something terrible. Like always. The producers then do a ten minute video montage of his "journey" with Ali so far.

Next we see Roberto packing for his trip to Tahiti but he's confident that Ali'll pick him and his dimples. Then the producers show ten minutes of Ali and Roberto making out over the last nine weeks.

Last, we see Frank putting all of his black suits in a suitcase while telling us that even though he's fallen in love with Ali, there is something that's holding him back! He's still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. He admits that it's killing him that he has feelings for two girls. Nevermind the fact that Ali has feelings for three guys right now. My husband was watching with me at this point (although I'm sure he'd deny that to anyone who questions him on this fact) and he asked a great question that sums it up well: if you can't trust the woman you're two timing your wife with, who can you trust? Frank decides he needs to go back to Chicago to see if Nicole still has feelings for him too.

When Frank gets there, he "finds" Nicole in a hotel. Even though he hasn't talked to Nicole in months (per Frank), she graciously agrees to meet with him on a national TV show where he's gone to fall in love and propose to another woman. Nicole's a swell girl. Not a fame whore what-so-ever.

Frank: "I'm a nervous wreck! I've spent the last....." (long pause) "...long while fighting other guys for Ali. She knows nothing! But you are going to hear it all Nicole. Ali and I had something amazing right from the start." Another LONG, long uncomfortable pause. "And Ali is a great girl. We have a connection. Producers, did I do that right? I was having trouble remembering my lines. I used the words amazing and connection though."
Nicole: "Ever since you've left, you've consumed my whole mind everyday. It's really hard. It's heartbreaking. Um, producers, am I reading these cue cards right?"
Frank: "It's too bad for Ali that Kasey is no longer here to guard and protect her heart because I'm about to break it!"

Basically Frank tells Nicole that he can't stop thinking of her and wants to know if they still have a spark. The camera crew graciously leaves so the two can find out. Nicole admits that without Frank, she doesn't feel complete. She talks about people completing other people like she just watched the movie Jerry Meguire on the hotel's Pay-Per-View channel. She tells Frank he needs to come home, he breaks into the biggest grin, ABC cues the cheesy after-school-special music, and they all live happily ever after.

Oh wait, no they don't. Frank has to fly to Tahiti to break up with Ali first. (Am I the only one excited that she is going to get a taste of her own medicine?) Then Frank can come home to Nicole to make the third successful relationship to ever come out of this show's 20 seasons.

The first date in Tahiti is with Roberto. But first, Ali jumps into the water and flings her hair extensions back like a cheesy 1980's actress. Then she waddles to Roberto's straw hut (is Chris's hut made of sticks and will Frank's be made of brick?). They board a helicopter (really? again?) and we get views of the beautiful islands with clear blue water, awkward kisses between two helicopter headphones, and Ali's yellow bikini top under her see-thru white wife beater tank top. They land in the Pocanos. Or another heart shaped place for a picnic and swimming in mis-matched bathing suits. They drink and make out while voice-overs tell us how great each other is and how gorgeous the island is.

After the ABC intern spends hours trying to untangle Ali's hair extensions, they finally give up and knot it up more on top of her head. Ali and Roberto go to dinner in the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. Ali gets sufficiently schlossed before pulling out the fantasy suite card. Roberto tells her he's falling in love with her, the producers play the porno music, and the two horn-dogs run, I mean swim, to the fantasy suite to make love. Ali climbs the ladder and Roberto gets a nice preview of her crotch before we go to commercial.

Next up is Chris. Ali and Chris climb on a huge boat to drink beer and make out. Why is Chris wearing my 5 year old daughter's sea shell necklace though? And how many times did they use the word "like" in their conversation? They must have just watched the movie Valley Girl. Didn't Ali use the expression "gag me with a spoon"? Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. And I don't think she said spoon.

The producers have a romantic date planned on an island but in order to help Ali shed those 15 pounds she's gained, they stop the boat a mile away and make her and Chris swim to it. But their plan backfires when Ali makes Chris carry her there. They find pearls inside oysters which is symbolic for what Chris is going to give her later on in the fantasy suite.

ABC makes Chris and Ali wade through waist deep water to get to dinner too. Ali sucks down her mai tai while Chris starts talking about his mom again. They kiss and he starts getting his blotchy blush thing going on before Ali whips out the fantasy suite card. Chris looks around for CH before heading to suite 54 to make Ali a necklace with the pearls they found earlier. Then Chris shares that his mom is probably very happy looking down at him about to close the deal with Ali. AWK-WARD!

The last date is with Frank. He has his glasses and gloves off. He's here to tell Ali he's going home to his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. Since he's there to break Ali's heart, ABC puts him up in the worst hut there is. No ocean view, no fancy bed... this is war! And who understands Bachelorette war better than CH? That and ABC needed to justify flying CH to Tahiti even though there isn't going to be a rose ceremony so they bring him in to talk to Frank about how to dump Ali.

CH tells Frank that Ali is crazy about him. I think she's just crazy. He asks Frank what he's planning on doing. The clock is ticking! There is a date in one hour! Frank practically screams at CH that he's hoping he will tell him what to do. I think he's secretly hoping CH will just tell Ali for him. But no can do Frank... he must do it himself.

I must pause here to reflect on how funny this is! CH is all worried about Ali because she really likes Frank and he's about to dump her. But isn't that the exact same thing that Ali has been doing with the guys the last few weeks? And where was CH then to wonder about their feelings?

Ali arrives wearing an off the shoulder shirt. She's reflecting on her relationship with Frank and their "amazing connection." She knocks on his door all giggles and grins and hugs, only to hear Frank's monotone "Ali, we need to talk." Ali puts on her pouty face and follows Frank outside before turning on the tears.

Frank tells Ali about Nicole. She wipes her nose on her hand and runs her fingers through her hair extensions. She's mad at Frank but I keep wondering why Frank's not pointing out to her that she's the pot calling the kettle black! How is what he did any different than what she's been doing? They both cry into their fingertips while Ali reminds us all once again how she gave up everything to be there. She throws her flip flops on the ground in rage and pulls on her hair extensions. I'm starting to think she's going to pull the darn things right out! Finally she hugs Frank and leaves to go plop down in the middle of the beach to cry like she did in the middle of the hotel hallway after leaving Jake last season. CH comes up with a pina colada to console her. Man, he either didn't really feel sorry for Ali or he's the worst cheer-er upper there is! And would someone please give this girl a glass of water or some chapstick? Her lips were so white and chalky from all the booze and sun the poor thing was dehydrated!

Evan though there will be no need for a rose ceremony because Frank left on his own, Ali still looks at the pictures of the three guys before turning Frank's picture face down. Now she needs to know if Chris and Roberto are really there for the right reasons. But I'm still confused as to what Frank's "wrong reason" was. He was there to see if he loved Ali. He saw he didn't so he left. Right?

Ali's apparently gained so much weight, the only thing the wardrobe people can find that will fit her is a ginomous tent. Ali plops down with CH to tell him that she knows she's not supposed to be with Frank. She's a real smart one, that Ali. I wonder how she figured that one out? I bet her good friend Jesse from Jake's season called her to help her crack that mystery.

Then CH drops the biggest shocker of the night- there WILL be a rose ceremony. Mostly because CH wants Ali to tell the guys what happened with Frank. And also because ABC said it's in his contract to always perform a rose ceremony and count each episode.

Chris and Roberto get situated and CH welcomes them.
CH: "Chris, Roberto. Obviously Frank isn't here. Something happened but I don't want to be the one to have to tell you that you're both sticking around another week by default so I'm going to let Ali explain it to you."

CH then counts to 2 and Ali passes out the roses to Chris and Roberto. Which means Frank is really gone. So who do you think she'll pick in two weeks? Will Frank come back? Or does Jake return to try once again to find a woman to listen to him and not undermine him with interruptions? I'll be back next week to recap the Men Tell All (although I'm sure I could recap it for you now- nothing new is learned). Until then, please leave your thoughts and comments in the comments section and have an "amazing" week!

Ali Episode 8 recap

The show opens with Ali walking around a garden looking like she just smelled a fart. She tells us she's excited about meeting the four guys' families, packs her suitcase, and hops on an airplane (now that ABC has cured her fear of flying) to go to Tampa, FL to meet Roberto's family first.


Ali jumps out of the Jeep wearing Ginger's blouse from Gilligan's Island to fling herself into Roberto's arms. Roberto takes Ali to the baseball diamond where he used to play AAA ball. He gives her a jersey with his old number on it and tries to teach Ali how to bat. She appeares to be pretty decent. Although, I'm sure the 10 clips we see of her throwing, catching, and hitting were just 10 out of 10,000. Ali makes Roberto carry her around the field. Then they sit down to drink champagne and Roberto gives her his baseball card collection. Ali admits she's nervous about meeting Roberto's family because she knows nothing about them. So Roberto makes it all clear as mud for her.
Roberto: "My dad's tough. But he's not too tough. And my mom is passive, you know?"
Ali: "No Roberto. I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. That's why I'm nervous. I'm sure I won't be good enough for them. Or you. Or anyone. I'm scared they won't like me. So just give me more champagne and kiss me."
Roberto complies.


They go to Roberto's parents' house. His mom looks like she's 20 years old. His brother is even hotter than his is! Dad has a few questions for Ali though. He's pretty skeptical of everything. He gets Ali to share her goals with him:
1.) She wants to own her own business. What that business is we never find out.
2.) She wants to be successful. Yes, she actually said that.
When asked if she'd be willing to give up some things she might want for Roberto, she says, "I want Roberto to be happy. For him to be happy, I need to be happy. So I need something that fulfills me too. Why are you asking me this? The producers said I'd always get what I want!"


Roberto's parents give Roberto their blessing to propose to Ali. Then they all salsa dance in the living room after the intern pushes the furniture up against the walls.


Next, Ali goes to Cape Cod to meet Chris and his dog. It's pouring rain so Ali wears her high heeled tall leather boots to walk around the beach. Ali's jeans get tighter as the day goes on and her butt gets bigger. It takes Chris 5 minutes into the date to bring up how he moved home when his mom got sick. He is Tenely and his dead mom is Tenely's divorce and ex-husband.


Apparently the landscaping business is booming in Cape Cod. They go to Chris's mansion, drink some beers while looking at pictures of Chris's mom, then go sit outside in the rain. Ali's bra stuffing is lopsided during their conversation and her left boob is bigger and higher than her right boob. Her mardi gras beads make it obvious. And her hair has grown 2 inches since she's arrived in Cape Cod because her roots are terrible. She doesn't even bother to brush the rat's nest before meeting Chris's dad and the rest of the fam.


I gotta say, I love Chris's family! His dad is like the perfect old man or grandpa. I want to marry into this family and I'm already married! What is this guy doing on this show? He seems way too normal. I'm sure he's not going to "win" and ABC will make him the next Bachelor. This is the first time in the show's history (and yes, I've watched every show of all 20 seasons!) that I've almost cried real tears. This family is so awesome!


As they are saying goodbye to his family at the end of the night, Chris has to pull Ali's beer out of her hands and push her into his dad's arms for a hug. Then they go to a tower to drink wine and make out like a couple of horny teenagers. And I've finally found fault with Chris- he's a terrible kisser. It looks like he's gonna suck her whole face off!


Ali goes to Greenbay, Wisconsin to meet Kirky's family. First they go to his dad's house. They don't even have their coats off and already Kirk's dad is creeping me out with his askewed toupee and asking Ali if she wants to go see his basement. I think I've seen this guy's picture on "Wanted" posters for child abduction. "Hey, little girl.... want some candy? Want to see my basement?"


Meanwhile, Kirk's stepmom is a wealth of knowledge for her dear stepson.
Step-mom: "You gotta go with what you feel. When your dad met me he said he had to think with his head, not just his penis." Or something like that...


Then they go to Kirk's mom's house. Ali brings a gift bag to his mom. Hopefully it contained some teeth. Ali and his mom bonded over their same hair extensions, Bump-its, and bad dye jobs.


Last stop for Ali is Chicago for Frank's hometown date. Frank walks around Navy Pier wearing Duran Duran's favorite outfit until he just happens to bump into Ali. She jumps into his arms and he tries to spin her around but she's gained so much weight he can barely lift her up. So they get on a boat and drink some beer. Frank whines about the situation and Ali doubts her self worth before going to meet Frank's mom and dad.


Dinner with the family goes well. While Ali and Frank's mom talk outside, Frank chats with his sister and her husband in the Trading Spaces Asian inspired room. Frank expresses his doubt over Ali. Foreshadowing?


The rose ceremony arrives and CH finally makes his first appearance of the night one hour and 44 minutes into the show. He welcomes Ali back to the mansion in LA and sits her down to talk since they still have 16 minutes to kill.
CH: "Welcome back Ali. How was it?"
Ali: "Amazing!"
CH: "Let's break it down. You started off with Roberto. What was his family like?"
Ali: "Amazing!"
CH: "Next was Chris. Tell me about that visit."
Ali: "Amazing!"
CH: "What about Kirk?"
Ali: "Well other than the fact that we didn't take our coats off the whole time, it was amazing!"
CH: "Last was Frank..."
Ali: "He's so amazing! Can I just give him the final rose now?"
CH: "We've been through this Ali. You need to lead two others on for a couple more weeks. Can you do that?"
Ali: "I guess."
CH: "Ok, well I'm going to go let the guys in. Then I'll be in the corner practicing counting to 3. Come out when you're ready."

Roses go to Roberto, Chris, and Frank. Which means Kirk has to go home.

So that's it folks... what did you think? Did Kirk's dad scare you? Do you think his freaky family is what sent him packing? What's Frank's deal? Who do you think will get the final rose? Leave your comments below and I will see you all next week!

Sorry!

Unfortunately the recap will not be up until very late tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest. I apologize and ask that you please, please, please remember to check back then. Also, please leave comments for me. Thanks!

Ali Episode 7 recap

The show opens with CH waving the 5 remaining men, who happen to all be walking down the street together, to the town square in Portugal. His hair needs cut so badly it’s blowing/sticking out in back. He tells the guys where they are and they all start clapping excitedly, like they didn’t already know their location. There are also about 500 dirty pigeons shitting on their feet.


The first date card arrives: “Come be the king of my castle…” It’s for Roberto. While he tries to crack the code of the Bachelorette date card, Frank starts to freak out again about not getting to spend all the alone time with Ali that he wants to. Um, Frank, your jealousy is getting old. Didn’t you ever watch this show? Didn’t you know what you signed up for here? Hasn’t CH made it clear at the beginning of every episode what is going to happen? Why still act shocked that you don’t receive every date?


Ali and Roberto walk around the town taking silly pictures of each other jumping off fountains like 5th graders. Ali is wearing flesh colored flats. It looks like her hair extensions are falling out. And speaking of falling out, her rear end is almost falling out of the tight short jeweled skirt she has on too! The two make fun of the Portugal police and dance in the street to music only they can hear. Then they hop on a city busy and make out.


The two on one date goes to Ty and Frank: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank bitches some more about having to share Ali. Ty tries to figure out what the clue on the date card could possibly mean. He’s secretly hoping for a time machine so he can travel back to their last date and change his answer about women working outside the home.


Meanwhile, Roberto and Ali have finally arrived at their destination: a castle! Ali’s first order of business is to get drunk. They compliment each other over dinner and wine until Ali’s is so hammered she can’t speak. Then she just giggles and kisses Roberto. The whole date was pretty uneventful and boring.


The next day, Ali picks Ty and Frank up in her DeLorean to travel back in time. They go to a castle (seriously ABC, is that all there is in Portugal?) and are forced to walk up the 1000 stairs. I think this is because the producers noticed Ali had put on a few pounds and wanted to make her work them off before giving her more food and alcohol. On the way up to the castle, Ty spots a deer and they all stop to “aw” over it like they’ve never seen one before. Ali is stressed about the awkward factor of having two guys on a date so she does what it takes to get past it- she gets drunk.


Ali pulls Ty aside for some one on one time first. She tries to clear up the confusion of if Ty will allow her to work or not if they’re together. Ty backpedals and insists that he wants someone to want to further their career. The ABC intern pulls him aside and whispers in his ear that Ali might not be for him then since she quit her job and doesn’t even have a place to live. But Ty shrugs him off and continues his confusing answer. In all this time, Ali has drunk another bottle of wine and is so drunk she no longer cares about work. They make out for a bit before she goes back to find Frank.


Frank and Ali talk about family.
Frank: “When you come to my house, you’re gonna feel like you’re part of the family, Ali.”
Ali: “How do you know I’m gonna come to your house?”
Frank: “Oh you’re coming. If I have to stuff you in a sack and drag you there kicking and screaming I’ll do it. But either way, you’re gonna meet my family.”
Ali: “Oh, just give me a bottle of wine to down and I’ll do whatever you want.”
Frank: “Good, have some more right now then because there is something else you need to know- I live in my parents’ basement.”
Ali: “Do they let you have girls stay over? If so, then I’m cool with that. Afterall, I’m gonna be living in my mom’s basement once this show stops filming. Let’s just make out.”


Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, another date card has come for Kirk: “Once upon a time…” Once again, the clue has the men all stumped. What could it mean? Oh, I bet I know- a castle! But first they go drink big tall beers before hoping in a horse drawn carriage that will take them to yet another palace. Ali is freaking out about the hometown dates and Kirk can tell that something is wrong. He knows how to fix it too- wine please! That and another story about his mold poisoning. Another boring date that included a castle, wine, and making out.


The last date card arrives for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” He gets the scooter date but he doesn’t know how to drive it. Ali calls it a moped and then insists that she drive. They go to a winery because Ali’s favorite thing to do is drink. She asks Chris about his mom. Three hours later, we have her life story and Ali has a bracelet that his dad’s friend made for her. Did they call it a “dentist’s bracelet”? Ali pretends she likes it and then they make out.


The rose ceremony arrives and so does Ali wearing the slip cover to my grandma’s couch, circa 1975. She goes to the room of pictures to look at each guy again, all while telling us how important home town dates are because that is where she will meet families. Thanks for that Captain Obvious.


CH welcomes the guys to the rose ceremony and explains the “rules.”
CH: “Welcome guys. I told you all at the beginning of the week how important tonight’s rose ceremony is. There are five of you but only four roses. Which means that one of you will be going home. Because 5 minus 4 equals 1. Now, if no one wants to challenge my mad math skills, I’ll go get Ali.”


Roses go to Chris, Frank, Roberto, and Kirk. Going home is Ty. Ali walks him out in the pouring rain to say goodbye instead of standing just inside the door to have the post break-up chat. Ali appears to be more upset than Ty is. She continues to stand in the torrential rain long after Ty’s limo is gone. She walks back into the castle like a robot. The intern dries her hair extensions, gives her another glass of champagne, and sends her in to the remaining guys.


But wait! It’s only 9:30! That means we get a full 30 minutes (minus the 17 minutes for commericals) for the Jake and Vienna interview. First of all, CH refers to their break up as “shocking.” Really? Tell me one person who is surprised by this. 1.) because it’s Vienna and 2.) because it’s the Bachelor- they never stay together. Then CH promises he’s going to get to the bottom of why they broke up. I’m yelling at my tv that we don’t need 30 minutes for that and sum it up in one sentence: “Vienna is a bitch!”


Now I didn’t take a lot of notes from this segment because it’s all so train wreckalicious that I could just watch. It was going too fast for me to write anything down too. But here are the things I did notice:
1.) CH talked to the cameraman like there was a studio audience present. The whole thing felt like he’d found the set to the Bachelor mansion in a dumpster and was “filming” it a la Kramer on the Merv Griffith set in his apartment. I seriously expected Vienna to walk in carrying an injured squirrel or something! Although, she did accuse Jake of drugging her and playing with her toys.
2.) I still do not like Vienna and I’m sure she wasn’t completely innocent in their breakup but I gotta say, Jake really came off as a total controlling asshole. This is pretty much what every encounter was like:
CH: “Why didn’t it work out?”
Jake; “Well Chris, Vienna was always interrupting-“
Vienna: “You have a temper!”
Jake: “and undermining me-“
Vienna: “You are such a liar!”
Jake: “She went to BEEP and BEEP to get paid for our story.”
Vienna: (ripping off microphone) “That’s it! I’m leaving!”
Jake: (shaking head) “That’s pretty much how she is Chris. She needs to be put in her place. I’ve never raised my voice in any of my past relationship. Heck, my mom was always the one doing the yelling, not me. But Vienna needed to be slapped around a little bit. I’m not to blame here. She is.”


And that ladies and gentlemen, is it. I’m sure this isn’t over though. Don’t you think ABC will parade these two fame whores out again at the MTA special? And the ATFR special? I’m sure we’ll see plenty more of them. In the meantime, who do you think is going home next week? Who do you think the girl is that Frank hugs in the promo for the rest of the season? Anyone else find the first 90 minutes of the show a total bore and waste of time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments and I will be back next week.