Sean Lowe Episode 1 Mini Recap

I regret to inform you that after much thought and consideration I have decided to NOT blog Bachelor recaps this season.  I found that the two hour show stretched to 3 to 4 hours of my time when I tried to recap it.  I started to not enjoy the train wreck for what it is.  I will however offer a few of my thoughts on this page each Tue. morning and let everyone know who got roses and who get sent home in case you missed the show and/or didn’t feel like sitting through the whole thing.  With that said, here is a mini recap of what you might have missed last night:

• Sean was heartbroken when Emily didn’t return his love.  He spent his time working out while his heart healed.  As Sean’s voice over explains how he knows God wants him to do this again (ha!) we are treated to the eye candy that is a shirtless Sean walking on the beach, doing bicep curls, and running through the sprinkler with his rich niece and nephew.  How do I know they are rich?  The nephew’s name is Smith and the niece’s house is bigger and better decorated than my own home.

*Next, ABC brings in their first choice of bachelor Arie.  The two are such good buddies, they haven’t seen or spoken since Emily dumped Sean in Curacao.  The whole scene  was so painful to watch that I literally was hiding under the sheets (yes, I watch this show in bed) when the two almost kissed.  No joke.  I could have done without Arie teaching Sean how to French kiss.

*The first night is always filled with lots of awkwardness and hilarity.  I can never remember who is who and when half of them are named Ashley it only adds to the confusion.  I’ve created a handy guide on each of the ladies and who has them and if they got a rose or not.

AshLee: Why you remember her: she was adopted when she was little and kissed Sean with bright red lipstick when she got out of the limo.  She got a rose.

Selma: Why you remember her: She wiped the lipstick off Sean’s face.  She got a rose.

Daniella: Why you remember her: She taught Sean a handshake that went something like this “Up high!  Down low!  Too slow!”  She got a rose.

Kelly: Why you remember her: She made up a song and sang it to Sean.  No rose!

Katie: Why you remember her: you don’t.  But she made an impression on Sean because she got a rose.

Ashley P.: Why you remember her:  She thought she was Anastasia Steel.  After threatening to rape Sean, she proceeded to get totally shit faced, booty danced all night, and then fell down the stairs.  She is everything I LOVE about this show.  Sadly, she did not get a rose.

Robyn : Why you remember her: She did back flips upon her exit of the limo and bit it in the middle of her second one.  She got a rose.

Lacey: Why you remember her: She gave Sean a lace heart.  She got a rose.

Paige: Why you remember her: You liked her when she was on Bachelor Pad 3 this summer and almost hooked up with Reid.  Last night she made the fatal mistake of telling Sean this.  In Bachelor World, admitting you’ve been on a reality tv show before is like admitting you have an STD.  No rose for Paige.

Tierra: Why you remember her:  She’s this season’s resident bitch.  She has a half of heart tattooed on her finger and she wants Sean to fill in the rest with his love.  He LOVES it and breaks all the rules by giving her a rose on the spot.

Amanda: Why you remember her: You don’t.  She got a rose though.

Keriann : Why you remember her: Do you?  I don’t.  No rose.

Desiree: Why you remember her:  She didn’t make much of an impression (on me) last night but in the previews it looks like a former boyfriend of hers comes back for her later this season.  She got a rose.

Sarah: Why you remember her:  She only has one arm.  She got a rose.

Lesley: Why you remember her: She pretended like she knew something about football to impress Sean.  It worked- she got a rose!

Lindsay: Why you remember her: She showed up wearing a wedding dress and then got drunk and begged Sean to kiss her.  I’m guessing Sean was drunk by this point too because she got a rose.

Kacie: Why you remember her: She was on Ben’s season.  Her family was super religious and although they allow their daughter to be on The Bachelor (twice!), they don’t believe in alcohol.  He made her sweat but she got a rose.

Jackie: Why you remember her: You don’t.  She got a rose.

Taryn: Why you remember her: She cried because she doesn’t like competing with other girls for a guy.  She must of thought she’d signed up for Top Chef or something.  She got a rose.

Ashley H.: Why you remember her: She was the first contestant of color since Matt’s season in 2008.  She didn’t get a rose.

Lauren: Why you remember her:  You don’t.  No rose.

Dianna: Why you remember her: She’s the single mom to two kids and  she got a rose.

Leslie: Why you remember her:  You don’t.  She got a rose.

Brooke: Why you remember her:  She has awful hair and looks to be about 20 years older than everyone else there.  She got a rose.

Catherine: Why you remember her:  She looks like Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years.  I’m guessing she’s 12 years old.  She got a rose.

Kristy:  Why you remember her:  She’s the model who was surprisingly quiet during the cocktail party after her intro package declaring she knows all the other girls will hate her.  She got a rose.

Emily Episode 8 Recap

It’s hometown week people!  Emily arrives back in the U. S. of A. wearing her skull shirt to give Little Ricki a quick kiss good night in Charlotte before heading off to meet Chris and his family in Chicago.

1st up: Chris, Chicago, IL

Emily meets Chris on Michigan Ave. and the pair walk along the waterfront and we learn that Chris is very Polish.  They share a beer and some Keilbasa at a Polish restaurant and discuss what an ass Chris was the last time they were together.  Then they head off to meet his family.

Chris slips off his Member’s Only jacket to introduce Emily to his mom, dad, and 2 sisters.  They all sit down on one side of the table and toast the start of their 1980’s sitcom.

Dad pulls Emily aside to grill her on her intentions with his son.  Before he can even ask her the first question, Emily turns the table and asks Daddy-o how Chris would do as a father to Little Ricki.  Chris’s dad mumbles something about him doing the best he could do and then quickly asks Emily if she is falling in love.  Emily says that she is but doesn’t say with who.  Chris’s dad must have never seen the show before because he assumes it’s with his son and shares this surprising news with Chris later.  This fuels Chris to tell Emily that he loves her.  Emily responds by kissing him quickly before leaving to return Ames’s red pants to him that she borrowed for this date.

2nd guy: Duckie, St. George, Utah

Emily drives to Duckie’s family ranch that is surrounded by acres of private national forest.  Can you smell money?  I swear I could through the tv!  They buckle into a dune buggy and speed off to shoot some guns.  Emily is wearing a white sundress and Duckie has on skinny jeans.  Perfect attire for shooting clay pigeons, right?

Before going to meet Duckie’s family (minus the parental units who are doing charity work in North Carolina), Duckie and Emily sit on a blanket covered haystack under an umbrella in the middle of no where.  They discuss the 15 relatives of his they are going to meet.  Emily obsesses over if Duckie’s siblings will like her not.  She’s clearly nervous.  

Have no fear Em, big brother Steve likes you!  The sisters try to put her in the hot seat but she avoids their questions by asking them if Duckie is ready to be a daddy to Little Ricki.  The sisters avoid answering her but do get her to admit she’s falling in love with their brother.

At this point I am pausing to wonder where all the crazy families are!  Where is the drunk grandma?  Where is the crazy uncle asking inappropriate questions?  Where is the dog that gets baby talked to and humps everything?  Where is the dad with the shot gun collection? Where is the step father who likes to stuff dead animals?  What is wrong with all these normal boring families?  I’m so close to fast forwarding to the rose ceremony or going to get a glass of wine.  This is turning into a major snooze fest!

3rd up: Arie, Scottsdale, AZ

The super sensitive producers have arranged for Emily to meet Arie at the race track.  Up next they will head to Big Ricki’s grave.  Emily pretends she’s excited to be there in her stripper dress and hooker heels.  Arie gives Emily a ride in his Indy Car.  Right before they take off, it hits me who Arie reminds me of!  Ed from the TV show Ed.  I hope later they go meet Carol Vessey and his BFF Mike!

Instead, they go meet his parents, twin brothers, and his sister.  His brothers look like they are 12.  And Justin Beiber’s twins.  The mom looks just like what Emily will look like in 25 years.  They welcome Emily to their home and then start talking about her in Dutch.  The whole family joins in the gossiping session about Emily’s outfit and hair.  Then Arie stops that and makes everyone speak a language Emily can understand.  He promises her that his mom was only asking how things are going.  I’m sure there is someone out there who speaks Dutch that can verify this for me??

Then the mom pulls Emily aside to get the dirt on why Emily and Brad really broke up.  Instead of answering, Emily talks about how funny Arie is.  She’s having a hard time feeling it with the family.  Once again, I’m having a hard time staying awake.  And I had such high hopes when the whole family started talking in Dutch.  *Sigh*

4th Guy: Sean, Dallas, TX

I wonder if this pair will run into Brad.  Instead of going to Brad’s bar for drinks, Sean wears his sister’s teal and lemon striped v-neck t-shirt and meets Emily in a park with his two dogs.  I don’t actually know if those are his dogs or not.  It’s completely possible the ABC intern borrowed them from the pound for the afternoon.  I’m distracted from finding out for sure by Emily’s 4th of July dress, super tan face, and overly white teeth.  She’s starting to look like an Umpa-Lumpa!  Her hair looks blonder and I think her esthetician messed up her last Botox treatment because her face barely moves as she talks.

After making Emily help him clean up the dog poop, they toast each other and share a glass of vino.  Then they head off to meet his family.  Emily brings the same gift to Sean’s family that she’s taken to the other three families.  Is it a book?  Before I can guess any further, I’m smelling more money!  The “cottage” his parents built for his niece is bigger than my house!  Then Sean drops the “I still live at home” bomb on Emily.  And not because he has to mind you.  But because he WANTS to!  He even tells her this and then drags her upstairs to his messy bedroom to introduce her to his favorite stuffed animals.  Then he yells at his mom for not cleaning his room before he brought a girl home.  But wait a minute- ha ha!  He doesn’t live at home.  It’s all a big joke.  Just like the armadillo they pretended to serve her for dinner.  Such a jokester!

One thing Sean doesn’t joke about is kissing.  He gives Emily a quick good bye smooch and then chases down her SUV for one more makeout session.

Finally the rose ceremony arrives and so does CH with his mad counting skills.  Emily apparently cries to him that this is so difficult but the jury is still out on if it counts as crying when you face doesn’t move at all.  The guys arrive and Emily thanks them all for introducing her to their families.  She passes out the 3 roses to Duckie, Arie, and Sean.  Which means that Anger-Management Chris is going home.

And that’s where we end this week’s journey.  Do you think Emily made the right choice?  Who do you think will not make the cut after next week’s overnight dates?  Do you think Emily will forgo her individual room to spend the night with each of the remaining guys?  Discuss in the comments section and I’ll be back next week.  If you need me before then I’ll be Botoxing my face till it refuses to move and/or show any emotion.

Emily Episode 7 Recap

This week’s episode wastes no time with “previously on” recaps and jumps right into Prague- the “perfect place to fall in love.”  Emily wanders the city contemplating the remaining men she has left.  Meanwhile, the guys arrive to be greeted by CH wearing a dark brown coat.  He welcomes them and informs them this week is the “most important week so far.”  I wonder when that statement could be uttered and it not be true.  CH explains the rose situation for the 975th time and sends them to their hotel to search for the first date card.

1st Date: Arie “Let’s check out Prague together”

Arie changes out of his mandatory “sit-around-the-hotel-with-the-guys-hoodie” and gets ready for his date.  The duo walks around the city while Emily reads to him from the tourist information sheet the ABC typed up for her before the date.

Emily confides to the cameraman that she’s aware Arie has a secret he’s hiding from her.  Instead of just being an adult and asking Arie if it’s true that he had a previous relationship with someone connected to the show, she decides to beat around the bush and play games with him to get it out of him.

But what’s this?  A PSA from CH?  In the middle of the show?  While standing in front of the Bachelor Pad mansion in LA?

CH: “I wanted to take this time to talk about something you may have heard about.  Pre-martial sex.  It can lead to pregnancy and STDs.  The only way to be 100% safe is through abstinence.”  The more you know!

Wait!  That’s not it.  He’s talking about Arie’s relationship with a show producer.  I’m totally ready for the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit to show up and help Arie find his way back to the airport.  But that’s not what happens.  The Bachelor gods bless us with a totally unscripted conversation between the producer Arie had a relationship with, Cassie, and Emily.  Someone had the good sense to record this.  

Back to the game playing between Emily and Arie... Arie tells her how trustworthy he is as Emily stews in the knowledge that he’s dated other people before coming on this show!

CH also knew that Cassie, Emily, and Arie needed to have a conversation about everything too but no one thought to invite the cameraman to this meeting of the minds.  Apparently it’s all water under the bridge and Emily and Arie continue the night part of their date on a bridge that is in fact over water!  They “I’m sorry.”  “No, I’m sorry” each other before making out.  Then Arie drops the “I love you” bomb on Emily who responds with “That’s so sweet!” They kiss and some fireworks literally go off.

2nd Date: John (is he really still around?) “In Prague, all you need is love.”

The two meet in the streets of Prague before boarding a boat for a water tour of the city.  They head to the John Lennon wall where the ABC intern has been busy setting up a ladder, paints, and brushes so Emily and John can have some art time.  They draw a boat that looks like a stick figure rocket ship that’s tipped over, write their names inside it, and head over to the next tourist trap- a fence with lots of locks on it.  The ABC intern laughs as he realizes the lock he gave them is too small to fit around the fence post.  The symbolism is lost on no one.

For the night part of their date, Emily and John go to dinner in the basement of a haunted church.  Or something like that.  She likes to take this guy under ground for their dates.  After all, she wants to go “deeper” with him (that’s what she said).  While laying on an old mattress in the creepy basement, John shares how his last girlfriend cheated on him.  I wonder if he appreciates the irony.  He brags that he’s not a starter but a closer and they make out.

John returns to the hotel and shares that his date went well.  Sean knows that Emily must be close to the hotel and leaves to go find her.  He “finds” her alone in a back alley and they hug.  They kiss.  They rub arms.  Then they head to a little pub the ABC intern had to pay off to open up for them at night.  The owner allows them in but the kitchen and bar are closed so the two kiss.  Once the owner gets sick of it and kicks them out, the pair continue to suck face in the street.  Get a room.

3rd Date: Chris, Doug, and Sean “Let’s find our happily ever after...”

It’s pouring rain as the men meet Emily in the street.  The ABC intern was nice enough to retrieve Travis’s umbrella after he threw it into the street in Croatia so the men have something to keep themselves dry with.  They venture to an old castle while Emily spews tourist information about the castle that she read in the travel guide provided to her by the producers.

Doug and Emily spend some alone time together.  He acts like every time they touch she burns him.  Emily can’t stand it any longer.  She walks him outside and shows him the reject van.  

Side note: how long was their alone time?!?!  She appears to pull him aside as soon as they get to the castle when it’s still light out.  It is pitch black as Doug’s van pulls away with him ugly crying in the back.

Emily gives the two remaining men a key to a midget door.  The guy whose key opens the door gets some more one on one time with Emily.  In a completely planned random turn, Sean’s key opens the door.  While those two play kissy face, Chris plans how he will kill everyone if he doesn’t get a rose.  But I hope his plan is fool proof because Emily gives the date rose to Sean.

3rd Date: Duckie “This is your chance to pull my heart strings.”

Emily picks up Duckie for their date and anger management Chris stews in his anger.  Emily and Duckie visit a marionette puppet shop and pick out a couple of puppets to to perform a show with.  At the last minute, Duckie runs back and buys a puppet for Little Ricki.  He should have also bought Emily a pair of pants seeing as she clearly forgot to put any on.  Their puppet show is completely awkward and weird.  I feel like I am watching my daughter play Barbies with her friends.  But Emily LOVES it!  They ditch the marionettes and make out on the library floor.  For the first time in the history of this show, the bachelorette and a guy actually discuss important marriage issues such as living together before marriage and kids. Duckie delivers the best line of the show when he whispers into Emily’s mouth, “I want to date you so hard and marry the f--k out of you!”

Rose Ceremony

The guys enter for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.  Sean already has a rose.  Arie and Duckie feel safe.  John is sure he will get a rose because his date went so well.  I’m sure that him admitting this is the kiss of doom on this show.  Chris is afraid his plan to murder everyone if he doesn’t get a rose will not go according to plan.  But before the cocktail party can even begin, Emily is pulling CH into the room of pictures to tell him she doesn’t need a drink before sending one guy home.  CH tells the guys to line up immediately.  The rose ceremony is starting immediately!  Chris starts to melt down faster than a bowl of ice cream on a 90 degree day.

Sean already has a rose.  Emily enters and passes out two more to Arie and Duckie.  Before CH can show off his mad counting skills and announce there is only one rose left, Chris interrupts and asks to speak to Emily alone.  He pulls her into another room, drapes a big red blanket over her shoulders and apologizes for acting like a psycho when he didn’t get the rose on the group date.  I notice that he doesn’t apologize for acting like a psycho right now.  But Emily appears to like it and takes him back to the rose ceremony and gives the final rose to him!

So that’s where we end things as we head into the hometown dates.  Do you think Emily made the right choices this week?  Did Chris deserve to stay or do you think John should have gotten another chance?  Will Doug ever find a mom for Austin?  Where do you think Emily finds all these clothes with bling?  Thanks for your patience with my delayed post once again.  I will be back next week for some good family drama.  If you need me before then, I will be bedazzling a pair of shorty shorts to wear on my next date night with the hubs.

Emily Episode 6 Recap

Thanks for sticking with me another week.  Again, I apologize for getting the recap up so late.  Between my daughter’s softball game schedule and my boredom with this season, it’s been difficult for me to get through the show each Monday night.  Having an extra day has made it easier to endure.  With that said, let’s get to the show!

The episode opens with a cat sitting on a ruined castle wall and Emily arriving in Croatia sans Little Ricki.  The men arrive on a fishing boat without CH.  How will they ever figure out the rose situation without him there to explain what it means to get a rose vs. what happens if they don’t get a rose?

Emily welcomes the guys to their suite at the hotel and drops off the first date card to Travis- “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.”

Travis packs his shit, changes into a plaid button down which is proving to be this season’s long scarf.  Except for with Ryan who didn’t get the memo that explained the switch.  Travis greets Emily in the Old City and they walk around the walled city while Emily recites tourism brochure information to him.

For the night part of the date, Emily and Travis walk through the rain to a courtyard candlelit dinner.  Emily wears her Olivia Newton John pleather jacket and jeans.  The ABC intern forgot to give Travis the dress code memo so he shows up wearing a sports coat and and dress shirt.  They’re gray.  He opens up to her about his failed engagement two years ago.  Emily keeps mum about her failed engagement from two years ago.  Travis flatters Emily every chance he gets.  But Emily isn’t buying it even though she likes him as a friend.  She’s not feeling the romance and so she sends him home roseless.  And umbrellaless.  Dude, why’d you do that?

2nd Date: John, Doug, Sean, Duckie, Chris, and Arie. “Lasting love requires bravery.”

Why are there still this many guys on group dates?  Or at all actually?  They all show up for the date wearing their plaid button down shirts and meet Emily at the movie theater.  They watch a children’s G rated movie.  The extended commercial for the new Disney movie seems a little off to me.  After all, how many 5 year olds are watching The Bachelorette?  OK, I suppose Little Ricki and all her friends are.  Fair enough!  But the guys all seem to love it!

Afterwards, Emily makes the guys wear kilts and compete in their own version of the Highland Games.  They ride around on asses to shoot arrows, throw logs, and perform in a gay version of tug-o-war in which the winner ends up with another guy between his legs and on of top of him.  The producers give Emily a nice warm winter coat to wear while the rest of them freeze their donkeys off in sleeveless shirts and short skirts.  Even though Sean was the best and won all the games, Emily awards the “bravery cup” to Chris because even though he sucked at all the events, he owned it!  Emily gives him some alone time and they kiss under a rainbow.

For the night part of the date, Emily takes the guys to a cocktail party in the freezing outdoors.  She at least allows them all to change out of the ridiculous kilts and summons the ABC intern to find more big soft blankets.  She pulls each of them away for a little alone chat time and make out sessions.  Chris gets the date rose in the end though.

3rd Date: Ryan “The world is our oyster.”

The men all sit around the hotel room with their hoodie hoods on their heads and listen to Ryan brag about being the first guy to get the second one on one date.  Everyone agrees that Ryan is an ass.  Everyone but Emily apparently, as she’s the one who come to pick him and his cheesy pick up lines up.  Ryan continues to feed Emily terrible pick up lines and she eats them up!  The duo go oyster fishing.  Emily chokes on the oyster and can’t swallow it.  Next time Ryan will give her a pearl necklace instead.  No swallowing required!

For the night portion of their date, Ryan and Emily go to dinner inside a castle.  Ryan drops more Ryan-isms.  He reads his list of 12 things he wants to find in a wife.  Emily likes his list of bullshit but would rather his number one item be “loving family.”  So because of this, Emily can’t give Ryan the date rose.  Ryan spews his voo-doo magic and makes the bachelorette question herself.  Where is CH when he’s needed most?  Emily clearly needs a pep talk from him!  Seriously.  Where has he been?  At home signing the divorce papers?  At the local bar getting hammered with Fliess?  At a strip club?  We need you Harrison!

CH is no where around so Arie decides he needs to be the one to comfort Emily after her rough date with Ryan.  He “sneaks” over to her villa with prompting from the producers to “surprise” her.  He gives her props for sending Ryan home, they snuggle and kiss.  And she LOVES it!  She loves it so much she gives Arie Ryan’s rose.  Arie doesn’t mind sloppy seconds.  He doesn’t even mind when Emily tells him the rose is a secret and he needs to hide it.

Cocktail Party

Emily arrives wearing Princess Leah’s robe.  Too bad she didn’t do the side buns too.  Chris has a rose already.  Arie has a secret rose.  Emily says that John and Doug are on the bubble.  She pulls John aside first.  They snuggle under the same fluffy white blanket that Emily and Duckie made out under at the beach.  Hope the ABC intern has washed that thing!  John shares his grandparents’ funeral cards with Emily.  They share some tears and bond over the deaths of loves ones.  He gets his first kiss and pops Emily’s bubble.

Next, Emily pulls Doug aside.  They sit as far away from each other on the couch as possible and discuss how shy Doug is.  He mumbles all his answers to Emily’s questions before Emily finally makes the first move and forces Doug to put his arm around her.  Their whole convo is very uncomfortable.

CH finally arrives with his champagne glass of doom.  Where has he been this whole episode?!?  Has he been practicing counting to four this whole time or what?

Emily comes out to hand out the roses.  Chris already has a bud.  Sean, Duckie, and Arie get the next three.  CH announces that he knows that four minus three equals one and Emily freaks out.  She rushes out to find the corner CH is hiding in and asks him to help her break the rules.  I think she is going to give the rose to CH himself (wishful thinking, huh?).  She reminds me of Jake when he did the same thing only she does it much more coherently.  Good thing the producers make a WWCHD bracelet for all bachelors/bachelorettes.  Emily asks CH for an extra rose.  CH proves that he also knows how to add as well as subtract and brings out another bud for Emily to hand out in the most unsuspenseful rose ceremony ever.  Which means that both Doug and John get to stay another week.

And that’s where we end week six of this journey.  What do you think?  Did Emily make the right choices this week?  Do you think Duckie gets cuter every episode?  Who do you think will go home next?  Discuss in the comments section and I’ll see you next week.  If you need me before then, I will be writing down my top 12 list of Ryan-isms.

Emily Episode 5 Recap

First off, I’d like to apologize for not writing a recap last week.  It was one of those crazy weeks with something going on every night of the week.  I didn’t even get to watch the show at all till late Wednesday night and by that point I was so tired I didn’t even know if I’d make it through the whole show at all.  Let alone pause it to jot down notes for the recap.  It’s unfortunate too because there was a lot of noteworthy crying that took place!

All that being said, I also want to thank you for sticking around.  If you like what your read, please comment.  If not, why are you still here?  Now let’s get to it!

The show opens in lovely London.  The Queen herself welcomes Emily and her entourage to jolly ol’ England.  Ok, so it’s just a royal looking dude on a horse and CH.  Emily’s voice over tell us this is the prefect  place to take Little Ricki on a free vacay fall in love.  The men arrive at Trafalgar Square and CH reiterates the same rules for the 859th time.  The guys head back to their hotel where the first date card awaits.

1st date: Sean “Love takes no prisoners.”

Sean borrows a tight black t-shirt from Ryan and messes up his hair just enough before heading out to meet Emily for a tour of the city.  They enjoy a picnic while Emily nurses her laryngitis with a tall glass of wine.  They both seem very normal on this date and quite nice but a little boring for tv.  I’ll spare you the details and skip to the night portion of their date.

For the night part, the ABC intern pulls some major strings to arrange a dinner inside the prison of the London Tower.  Their convo is once again slightly boring but they seem to like each other so Sean gets the rose.  Then they admire the view out of their cell window before kissing to no fireworks.

2nd date: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Emily greets the men at Shakespeare's birthplace.  Ryan wears a long scarf to match the ones Emily wore on all her dates with Brad.  Emily tells the men they will all be acting in a Shakespeare play.  BORING!  John, Alejandro, Ryan, and Kalon get to share the role of Romeo while Travis, Chris, Doug, and Arie get to play a nurse.  Kalon takes his role as serious as a heart attack.  He wants to wrap Ryan’s luxury brand scarf around his neck but unfortunately Kalon can’t find it.  Then he tells Emily to “run along” so he can rehearse more.

Tens of people gather to watch the play.  Some boys dressed as women, some wore tights, some had fake boobs, some continued to be mute, and Ryan continued to be an ass.

As a reward, Emily takes the men to “the pub” for a wrap party.  She pulls Arie aside first for a little make-out session.  She wants to spread her germs around to everyone.  Next Ryan pulls her aside to whisper more condescending remarks in her ear and give her a necklace (that isn’t pearl!) that Emily loves so much, she slips it in her pocket right away.  Note to all men: if you give a woman jewelry and she doesn’t wear it right away, she doesn’t like it no matter how much she claims to.

Kalon sulks some more about not getting more opportunities to put Emily down to her face.  This reminds Chris that Kalon has been negative for a few days and he decides to tattle to Arie on Kalon’s poor attitude.  Arie takes it personally and the two of them get their panties in a knot for Emily’s sake.  The rest of the guys discuss it and decide it’s time to vote Kalon off the island.  As the single dad, Doug decides he needs to take matters into his own hands and tells Emily that Kalon referred to Little Ricki as “baggage.”  Emily confronts Kalon about it in front of all the guys.  And by Emily confronting Kalon about it, I really mean Doug does.  Oh where is CH and the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit when you need them?  Emily goes back road, West Virginia, bat shit on Kalon and tells his to get the F out!  Good thing this didn’t happen to Duckie or his name would just be Je.  Then Emily calls an end to the cocktail party without giving out a rose to anyone as punishment to the guys for waiting more than ten minutes to tattle to her about Kalon’s inappropriate comment.

3rd Date: Duckie  (did he get a date card?)

Emily and Duckie head to afternoon tea and receive etiquette lessons from Miss Manners, Jean.  Jean proves to be a giant bitch but she finally drinks enough tea that she needs to use the loo and Duckie and Emily use this opportunity to escape to a local pub for some pints and fish and chips.  Duckie uses his time with Emily to reopen the Kalon wound and pour some salt in it by sharing more insults that Kalon spouted in the hotel to the guys.  For some reason, Emily isn't too bothered by it and the duo toasts Little Ricki by calling her a Khole purse.  Then they head to London Eye for dessert.  He earns the rose for being so “chill” and they finally kiss.

Cocktail Party

Emily is still so flustered from sending Kalon home that she forgets to put on the one sleeve of her dress and arrives at the cocktail party begging the men to reassure her more.  She wastes no time in pulling the guys aside one on one to bust some more balls and grill them on how they plan to guard and protect her heart.  The men all fumble over themselves trying to reassure her that they are there for the right reasons.  Ryan fumbles over his long girly scarf (really? again?).  Finally CH arrives from the local pub where he’s had a few pints.  He bangs his champagne glass of doom and whisks Emily away.  She finally hands out the buds.  Sean and Duckie already have roses.  CH demonstrates his mad counting skills and the other six roses go to:

Doug

Ryan

Chris

John

Travis

Arie

Which means that Alejandro is joining Kalon in the luxury brand limo back to the airport.

So what do you think?  Did Emily make the right call in sending the mushroom farmer packing?  Do you think she overreacted to the guys’ lack of tattling?  Is Duckie anyone else’s favorite?  Who do you think is getting the final rose?  Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I’ll be back next week.  If you need me before then I will be practicing my Shakespearean acting.  Never know when I might need that on a date!

Emily Episode 3 Recap

This week’s show opens up with 30 minutes of previews of what we are about to watch.  That and Emily’s mom serving Emily breakfast in bed.  What does she need a husband for?!?  Doesn’t she realize that no man will make her breakfast in bed???

While Emily and her mom discuss how the filming of this show is having psychological effects on Little Ricki, CH is gathering the men around to show off his new bad boy army coat and once again go over the rules of the next week.  He finally drops the first date card and makes like a drum and beats it.

1st Date: Chris

“Love is a steady climb.”

All I can think of is Miley Cyrus’s song “The Climb.”  Emily picks him up in her motorcycle tank top to walk around the town before making him climb up the side of a building to eat dinner on the roof.  This is the part of the show that Chris shows America his S&M tendencies when he announces how hot Emily looks in a harness.  I think he’s just finished reading Fifty Shades of Gray and assumes all women like the whips and chains and shackles.  They start the climb up the building and the metaphors of climbing a building being just like starting a relationship begin.  Once they get to the top, the thunder starts and instead of getting inside the building like normal people, they drink wine on the roof instead.  Emily is totally smitten with the Bobble Head dude.  She piles the compliments on him while eating dinner.  Or actually while their dinner sits in front of them and gets cold.  But Emily is the one to get cold.  Cold feet that is when she learns that Chris is only 25.  I mean, that is ONE whole year younger than her.  He can’t possibly know a thing about being a dad!  He feeds her a line about being ready for a family and she buys it and gives him the date rose before dragging him to a Luke Bryan concert in the parking lot of the local Walmart.  Not only did he get the first rose, he also got the first kiss.

Back at the mansion,  Tony is allowed access to his cell phone to make a call home to his son.  The conversation makes Tony super sad.  Luckily Duckie arrives with the next date card to lift his spirits!

2nd Date: Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Alessandro, Ryan, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony, and Travis

“Let’s Play”

Emily meets the men (who are all wearing different colored v-neck t-shirts) barefoot (?) and wearing Daisy Dukes and a maternity shirt that’s cut so low her cleavage is hanging out all over the place.  She immediately leaves the men to go get her posse of girlfriends to quiz the guys.  Her MILF-y friends are only too eager to make the guys uncomfortable.  Let the interviews begin!

“Are you ready to be a dad?”

“Do you see yourself fitting in to Emily’s life?”

“Have you ever cheated on a girl?”

“Did you fertilize this egg by yourself?”

“What is the worst quality about yourself?”  (I think the answer to this one was “Being on this show!”)

Emily then blows a whistle and a million little kids come running to invade their date.  The men get baby-sitting duty so Emily can sit with her friends and gossip about all the guys.  All the girls really like Sean.  Especially Wendy.  I think she wanted to get with him!  The moms go home to their kids and Emily takes the men to a night time party.  

Emily pulls Sean aside first.  After asking him why his face is so greasy, she  grills him about his past relationships and his family.  Then she flashes the camera with a great beaver shot.  Good thing she remembered to put on the green panties before the date started.  

Next, Emily grabs Doug to see if he is more than just a dad.  Unfortunately, Doug is just a dad.  He spends his time with Emily sharing his tragic past and then talking about his son.  

Following the son theme, Tony brings his tears over missing his son to Emily.  He also shows off his Bill Cosby sweater.  Emily reassures him that it could all be worth it in the end.  Even though it’s not going to work out for him, she swears he should hang in there.

While Emily is having fun with all the men inside, Doug and Tony have a little man to man dad talk outside.  Doug is totally into Tony and tries to offer him a rose to get him to stay.  Unfortunately, CH tells Doug he isn’t allowed to pass out any roses.  So the two make out a little before the producers allow Tony access to his cell once more before he has a total mental break down.  Tony cries from either too much alcohol, the fact that his is wearing the ugliest sweater ever, or just because he’s a good person and honestly misses his kid.  Don’t worry Tony, you’ll get to see Taylor soon enough.  You will not be getting the final rose.  In fact, Emily will be sending you home immediately.  Here’s the reject van right now!  Bye-bye!

Now that that mess is out of the way, Emily can freely pass out the date rose to Sean.  Anyone else notice how there was a magnet on the rose?  I always wondered how she “pinned” them on the guys so quickly!

3rd Date:  Arie

“Love is a wild ride.”

Emily picks Arie up in cut off jean shorts and cowboy boots.  I’ve also noticed she likes horizontal stripes on her shirts.  They fly off to Tennessee to visit Dollywood.  ABC has pulled out all the stops and the park is closed down for just the two.  And the 20 cameramen.  After riding a few roller coasters, Emily and Arie go into a theater to write each other a love song.  And who should arrive to surprise them but Dolly herself!  She sings her new song while Arie tries his darnedest to dance while Emily keeps muttering how she could die.  I feel the same way.  I am pretty sure Arie feels that way too but for different reasons than Emily.  

For the night part of their date, they keep with the country theme and head to a barn for dinner.  Arie admits that his previous girlfriend had two kids that he was like a father figure to.  When they broke up he was heartbroken because of the kids.  Then Arie keeps it real and questions her about what happened with Brad.  I feel like his answers aren’t canned responses or things he thinks she wanted to hear.  Emily is impressed with him as well and offers him the date rose.  

Rose Ceremony

After letting Little Ricki douse her in perfume, Emily heads over to the mansion wearing a glittery gold dress.  She accepts a glass of wine from Ryan and steals Kalon aways for some alone time.  Her first question is if he’s really Clark Kent with those glasses.  Kalon does not answer her question but also does not let her get a word in.  He scolds her for interrupting him and continues to ramble on about how great he is.

Emily then pulls Travis aside to help him murder the stupid egg.  They go outside and throw the egg on the driveway.  I’m sure it smelled awesome!

Emily continues to pull the guys aside and grill them on how they will be as fathers.  I don’t think she is looking for a husband in this whole situation but a father for Little Ricki.  Where is CH?!?!  Let’s pass out the roses and call it a night already!

Well since CH doesn’t arrive fast enough for Emily to get rid of the men who aren’t ga ga about an automatic family, Emily pulls on her big girl boots (and by big girl boots, I mean her brown Uggs) and ushers Alessandro out before the rose ceremony even starts!  No more booze for you ugly Ryan Sutter.  Speaking of booze, let me down this margarita and make out with Arie before CH gets here.

Ding ding!  Finally, CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom and announces that he has learned to count to ten.

Chris, Sean, and Arie already have roses.  The other 10 buds go to:

Duckie

Charlie

Doug

Michael

Travis

Alenjandro

Ryan

John

Kalon

Nate

Which means that Stevie can dance his way into the reject van with Alessandro and Tony.  And that’s where we end week three.  Do you think these guys are the dullest knives in the Gin-sue kit?  Who do you like best so far?  Who do you think Emily likes most?  At this point my money is on Arie, Jef, and Chris.  Leave your amazing and stunning comments in the comment section and I will see you back here next week.  If you need me before then , you can find me scolding anyone who doesn’t think my kids are the greatest things ever!

Emily Episode 2 Recap

Welcome back readers.  Once again, thanks so much for the comments either here of on my facebook page.  This season has (already) been difficult for me to get into.  Not sure if it’s because Emily is so bland, CH has lost his magic spark since splitting with his wife, the later time slot, or because this show is simply not as hot as Fifty Shades of Grey.  Either way, knowing you come here to read my drivel each week makes it (somewhat) easier to watch this season’s dork parade each Monday evening.  So thank you!  With that said, let’s get to it!

The show opens with a weird local news station speculating if Emily is filming in Charlotte this season which I found odd because I didn’t know that fact was ever a secret.  Emily and Little Ricki meet at a local park for a Mommies and Mimosas playdate.  It’s also so Emily can drop Little Ricki off for some free babysitting.  While all this is going on, we see that CH’s assistant has proven he’s finally found a shirt the exact color of our beloved host’s eyes as CH welcomes the men to the new bachelor pad and runs down the same rules he’s rattled off for the last 18 seasons.  The men yawn and hope they get to sleep sometime soon.  CH drops the first date card and makes like Janet Jackson and gets the nip out of there.

1st date: Ryan

“Be my king in the queen city”

Ryan preps for the date by packing his shit and painting on the tightest black v-neck t-shirt.  The rest of the guys take advantage of the free booze and pool.  Emily doesn’t even brush her hair or change out of her sweatsuit before picking up Ryan at the bachelor pad.  She takes him to her mansion and makes him do housework and other chores.  I get that because she is a mom that life with her will be domestic.  I get that their dates will not always be helicopters and fancy dinners in real life.  But who does that in real life anyway?  When did this show become reality?  Ryan pretends to not be pissed off with the lack of helicopters and Emily shares these words of wisdom with the camera after forcing her date to bake a sheet of cookies for Little Ricki to take to snack time at school the next day: “I know it’s probably too early to tell (geez, ya think?  you’ve only spent about 15 minutes with the dude!) but I do know Ryan passed the cookie test.”  I don’t think that statement is as dirty as it sounds.

Next, Emily takes Ryan to Little Ricki’s soccer game but makes him wait in the car.  She wants to win Mother-of-the-Year award.  You know by only watching 2 minutes of her daughter's game.  And since she’s so over protective of Little Ricki, she doesn’t want her to meet any dates yet.  However, she has no problem letting ABC’s cameramen splash Little Ricki’s daily life all over national TV.  Like I said- MOTY!

For the night portion of their date, Emily and Ryan head to Osso for a private dinner.  Ryan is nice enough to take his huge wad of gum out of his mouth long enough to gulp his wine and answer Emily’s interview questions.  I’m not really sure what his answers were though because their date was so boring I might have fallen asleep for a bit.  He didn’t bore Emily though because she gives him the date rose and the first kiss/peck of the season!  Then she takes him to a concert of her favorite band.  Ryan pretends to know who the heck Gloriana is and they awkward dance in front of tens of people.

2nd Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John (what happened to the “Wolf”?), Jef/Duckie, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie, and Kalon

“Let’s set the stage for love.”

Emily takes the 25 men to a theater and puts them to work raising money for her 1st (dead) finance’s charity.  Then she introduces the men to the Muppets.  Some of the guys have to learn a dance, some a song, and the rest have to perform stand up comedy.  The thought alone of having to be funny puts Charlie over the edge.  He invades Emily’s dressing room to tell her he can’t speak well because of his accident so Emily gives him a song to sing instead.  Not sure how that’s any different since its’ still all language but what do I know about how to find true love?  I’ve only been engaged once!

Here are the highlights of the show:  Emily gets kinky with a puppet, we see Kermit get his 1st hard on, CH is back already (I guess now that he doesn’t have a wife to get home to he can actually do more for the show than subtract one from any number), the guys dance like stiffs, the other guys demonstrate how unfunny they are with their comedy skills, and Miss Piggy conducts a cross between The Dating Game and a late night talk show with three of the dudes.

Dude who I don’t know: “Roses are red, violets are blue.  Emily, I want to screw you.”

Duckie: “Miss Piggy, will you share the rest of your life with me?”

Charlie: “I know I said I didn’t know how to talk but I’m gonna say something really sweet now and win everyone over.”

Then Emily drags Little Ricki up on the stage to sing with Kermie.  She’s doing a great job of not putting her in the spot light.  Then she pretends that Little Ricki has a clue who the Muppets even are and mutters something about the day being one Little Ricki will never forget.  I mumble to the tv that of course the poor child won’t ever forget it.  It’s been recorded for her entire jr. high school to torment her about in 7 years!  Geez!

The after party begins by Chris pulling Emily aside.  He left his voodoo dolls at home and instead decides to schmooze her with.... um, what did he do to make her ga-ga?

Then Emily sits down with Duckie.  Her body language says she’s not into him but she admits that she likes him but he’s not giving her the right signals.  Note to guys- riding a skateboard a la Michael J. Fox in Back To The Future from 27 years ago is NOT the way to win a woman over!  Duckie promises her that he’ll fight Andrew McCarthy for her hand if it comes down to it.  She seems satisfied and moves on to let down Stevie.  But Kalon cuts in to show off his Cam Tucker shirt.  But two minutes later, Aaron cuts in.  This creates drama between Stevie and Kalon for some reason.  I don’t think I’m drunk enough to follow the whole fight.  Before I can wrap my brain around it all, Emily sweeps in and passes out the date rose to Duckie.  Yay- this nerd is really growing on me.  Team Duckie!

3rd Date: Joe

“Come close to my heart.”

Emily picks Joe up for their date in a limo to whisk him away to a private airplane.  They fly off to West Virginia, Emily’s home state.  They go to a fancy resort for swimming in a 100 year old pool.  For the night portion of their date, they go to dinner at the resort with Emily dressed like a feather duster.  But Emily isn’t attracted to Joe and isn’t feeling it.  Or maybe she doesn’t like his long greasy hair.  One can never be too sure.  No rose for you Joe (as said in the voice of the soup Nazi.  hey, wouldn’t that be super cool if they hired him to say that to the men who don’t get roses each week?).  Sorry Joe, the Love Clock has just clock blocked  you.  But I’ll watch these fireworks alone and ugly cry while Guido takes your suitcases from the bachelor pad and the reject van hauls you to the airport.

Rose ceremony time!  Emily makes a speech about cutting Joe loose.  Then she and Arie (another one of my favorites and I think her’s too) get some alone time together.  He proves once again that he’s a normal cool guy.  What’s he doing on this show?!?!

Ryan also gets some more alone time with Emily and presents her with an 18 page letter her wrote to her.  Eighteen pages!  FRONT AND BACK!!!!  He also makes Tony stand in the corner and listen to Emily read it aloud for the next 60 minutes.  Where the hell is CH when you need him to shout out, “No one puts Tony in the corner” or bang on his champagne class of doom?  Finally CH does arrive and puts an end to the painful to watch cocktail party.  He brings out the buds, retreats to the corner to practice counting to 14, and Emily starts off.  Duckie and Ryan already have roses.  The other 14 go to:

Kalon

Arie

Michael

Nate

Sean

Chris

Doug

Travis (who?)

Tony

John no longer Wolf

Alessandro

Charlie

Alejandro

Stevie

Which means that Aaron and Kyle are joining Joe in the reject limo.  And that’s where we end week two.  What do you think?  Would you rather watch paint dry than boring Emily with her parade of dorks?  Do you think Kalon is as terrible as he appears?  When will Emily give CH a rose?  Is she only keeping Alessandro and Alejandro both around because she doesn’t know who is who?  Leave your thoughts in the comment section and I’ll see you back here next week!  In the meantime, I will be fighting Miss Piggy for Kermit’s attention.