Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ashley Episode 6 Recap

Episode opens with flashbacks of Bentley. In the first 30 seconds his name is mentioned no less than 17 times. I decide to keep track. Luckily for me, CH helps me out later but flashing the number 4315 on a piece of paper to Ashley. I assume that was the number of times his name had been brought up. Or else it was a dare to see if Ashley could tell the camera she was over him that many times tonight (she’s not).


Ashley welcomes us to Hong Kong by telling us it’s a perfect place to fall in love. She stands completely still in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the city as it moves around her. But she’s busy thinking about Bentley so she hardly notices.


As Ashley walks around the city pining for Ronald McDonald wearing her off the shoulder blouse and jeggings, CH welcomes the men to Hong Kong on the top of some building wearing a button down shirt the exact color of his eyes, jeans, and what appeares to be Cousin Eddie white shoes? He tells the guys that the 1st date card is in their hotel room and before any questions can be asked about how the roses work, he makes like the devil and gets the hell out of there.


Ashley sits in her $700 a night hotel room pouting about ol’ Ronny while the 8 remaining men run to their room to find the 1st date card. Meanwhile, CH has had enough of Ashley’s whining over this jackass and has taken matters into his own hands. After conferring with the ABC intern that Bentley is indeed in China, CH marches down to Ashley’s room to drop the bomb. Ashley opens the door to find a pissed off Harrison standing there.

Ashley: “What are you doing here Chris?”

CH: “Don’t be scared.”

Ashley: “I figured you’d be at the local strip club by now. What’s up?”

CH: “It’s all good. Don’t worry.”

Ashley: “Oh crap! Did Emily call you guys up now that she and Brad split up? Does she want to be the Bachelorette now? Are you here to tell me I’m being replaced?”

CH: “Calm down. I’m just here to let you know we’ve got Bentley here to squash your heart. Put your foolishness to rest. So put on your smokey eyeshadow and get down to his room to talk to him. We didn’t fly this jackass half way around the world for there to be no drama!”

CH slips her a piece of paper with #4315 written on it. Is this Bentley’s room number or the number of times Ashley says she’s over him (she’s not)?


Ashley and her see-thru shirt and high heels march down to Ronald McDonald’s room where she forces her way into his room and forces him to kiss her. They talk about her mosquito bites, his daughter’s dumb name, how much she misses him, and the dot, dot, dot.


They have a confusing conversation, speaking all in code. Bentley basically tells her the dot, dot, dot is gone and this is their period. There are so many uncomfortable silences in the hotel room that I feel like I am watching Frank and his ex again. Where is my purple comforter where I need it?


1st Date: “Let’s Find Our Good Fortune on the Streets of Hong Kong” for Lucas.


Ashley picks up Lucas in her shoulderless shirt to take him to a weird street fair. They walk through a flea market like she did with Constantine and Constantine’s twin. The producers are getting lazy!


The duo climb aboard a sailboat to eat plates of huge cauliflower and broccoli and drink champagne. They talk about Lucas’s ex-wife while the rest of the men back at the hotel discuss their chances of a one on one among the guys. Lucas and Ashley’s date is so boring and painful to watch so I fast forward to her giving him the rose and him giving her a big wet kiss.


2nd Date: “Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing” for Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames, and Blake. Which means that even though Ryan and Blake have not had a one on one date yet, she’s giving the last one on one of Hong Kong to JP even though he’s already had one.


Ashley takes the boys dragon boat racing. She splits them up into three groups to compete against each other. As far as I can tell, there is no prize for winning.


Constantine and his twin are the blue team, Blake and Ryan are the red team, and Ames and Mickey are the black team. However, these men are so weak, they can’t drive these boats by themselves, especially once Ashley and her big drum climb aboard too. So they must recruit strangers to help them.


Somehow, the guys convince the locals to help them row. Ashley sits in one of the boats beating a drum while they all act as if this race is the one to get the final rose. Finally, after much fan-fare, Ames and Mickey win. Which means nothing as far as I can tell. While the six guys and Ashley sit on the beach discussing the moot race, a Chinese couple gets engaged a few feet away. I thought for sure that would send Ashley’s insecurities over the edge. But sadly no.


Instead, they all retire to a hotel roof top. Ames pulls her aside first. As soon as they are alone, Ashley shoves her tongue down his throat. You know, to prove she’s over Bentley (she’s not). She demands to know where that came from but before Ames can remind her that she’s the one who did it and that he clearly likes boys, she does it to him again.


Ashley then makes out with Ben, to also prove again that she’s over Bentley (she’s not), before finally giving the date rose to Ryan. This causes the rest of the guys to go into meltdown mode like a popsicle on a hot summer day! Of course Ryan accepts the rose.


3rd Date: “Let’s Take a Peek Into the Future” for JP.


Ashley dons her same jeggings and oversized see-thru blouse that she wore to see Bentley for her date with JP, only this time she also adds some DWTS high heeled shoes too. Because, you know, heels are the perfect footwear to wear to the beach which is where the pair heads for a picnic. Is it just me, or are these dates getting lamer and lamer?


As they drink out of tiny ramekins, Ashley asks JP when the last time he’s cried is. He admits it’s when his ex dumped him. He also says that he’s falling for her so Ashley thinks that she needs to tell him about Bentley. She brags to JP that she’s over Bentley (she’s not). JP doesn’t know what to say so he thanks her before kissing her to get her to shut up about Bentley already. He obviously gets the date rose. And we learn that JP stands for Jordan Paul. I think I liked him better before I knew that. They board a rickety train which takes them to the top of a mountain. They share a bottle of champagne and make out at the last train station on the line.


Rose Ceremony

Did Ashley get a boob job while in China? That dress is showing more cleavage than she has! Maybe that is what gives her the confidence to share with all the guys that she’s finally over Bentley (she’s not). She drops the news on the men and is met with complete silence before Constantine calls her out on lying to him on their one on one date about being in a good place. Ashley glances nervously around in hopes that CH will show up now with his champagne glass of doom to save her but he’s still at the local strip club nursing his vodka tonic. He knows he’s gonna need it to deal with Ashley later. So since CH doesn’t come in to save her ass, Ashley excuses herself to cry in a corner. The men sit together and cry about it too.


Ryan takes this opportunity to swoop in and comfort Ashley. He learned how to handle these situations in an entrepreneural class he took back home. He successfully defuses the bomb that is Ashley while the men all bitch about the situation like they didn’t know what they were signing up for when they went on this show. This Bentley business upsets them more than the fact that Ashley gave the group date date rose to Ryan!


Ames does make her feel a little better though, telling her that he understands. Afterall, he fell for Bentley a little bit too. But he’s over him now as well (he’s not either).


Mickey isn’t as understanding though. He tells Ashley that honestly is the #1 most important thing to him and he feels she lied. He begs her to send him home. But she doesn’t want to look like the bad guy so she tells him that if he doesn’t want to be there that he needs to be the one to leave. Before the sentence is even out of her mouth, Mickey is on a boat back to Cleveland.


Ashley heads back to the guys to cry. Before her melt down gets too out of control, Ashley runs off to find CH. But damn it- he’s still at the strip club. After the ABC intern frantically calls him 23 times, begging him to return and clean up the train wreck that is Ashley, he finally arrives to help pick up the pieces he so carefully had a hand in helping scatter.


Not even two minutes into their sit down, Ashley is playing with her bangs and crying to CH about how hard it is. CH tries to hide his smirk and resists the urge to 1.) say “that’s what she said” and 2.) slap her and tell her to pull it together. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s had it with her shit and is ready to jump on that boat with Mickey. Instead he instructs her to suck it up and go pass out the other three roses of the night. He’s been practicing counting all day.


Ryan, Lucas, and JP already have roses. The other three go to Ben, Constantine, and Ames. Joining Mickey on the raft back to the USA is Blake.


So that is where we end week 6 of our “journey” to find love. Do you think Ashley is any closer to finding it than she was at the start? Do you think she’s really over Bentley? (She’s not). Do you even like any of the remaining men? Is anyone else so proud of Mickey? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section and come back next week to find out who makes it to the overnight dates in Fuji!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Ashley Episode 5 Recap

Tonight’s show opens with flashbacks of Ronald McDonald complimenting Ashley by saying things like:

“I’m definitely done on the Ashley front.”

And:

“Things could have turned out differently if the bachelorette was Emily.”

Before reliving Ashley talking to her purple comforter, we also hear Ashley’s voice over saying that Shanghai is the perfect place to fall in love even though she said last week that Phuket was the perfect place to fall in love. I’m guessing it didn’t happen for her in Phuket so she’s hoping for better luck in a different part of Asia.


CH doesn’t even put in any face time as we see the remaining men board a Thai Greyhound bus as the ABC intern puts his mad graphic/geography skills to used once again to show a cartoon airplane flying across a cartoon map from Phuket to Chiang Mai. As I watch this unfold, the only thing going through my mind is “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map. I’m the map! Where do we need to go to help Ashley find love?” (Pause) “That’s right! First to Phuket’s airport. Next to Chiang Mai where we need to defeat the evil douchebag Bentley, before arriving at the final rose ceremony!”


Ames sums up Chiang Mai best by describing it as a city with beautiful monks wearing nothing but salmon colored silk robes. What better city to fall in love in? For a gay guy...


The guys finally arrive to be greeted by CH wearing all beige linen. He welcomes them to their private villa as if he owned the place (maybe he does?). He tells them to explore before dropping the first date card and making like an airplane and taking off for the nearest Chiang Mai strip club.


First date: Ben F. “Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai.”

Ashley picks him up in a crazy scooter/taxi where they ride around the city before ending up in another Thailand flea market. They harass some Chiang Mai locals like she did with his twin in Phuket before painting some paper umbrellas together. Ashley is worried it is going to rain the whole time they are in Chiang Mai like it did the whole time they were in Phuket and she forgot to pack her umbrella.


The night portion of the date takes place in the middle of an alien crop circle where the ABC intern has set up a nice picnic. Ben F. talks about how his bestie from middle school and him always said they wanted to learn how to make wine. It started out in high school as an easy way to get drunk and ended up being a reality in college as a way to get laid.


Ben F. drops the “my dad just died” card on Ashley. She looks to the sky to see if their is a rainbow and the ABC intern quickly runs up to her and whispers in her ear that Cape Cod Chris is now engaged to that slightly odd sounding Peyton chic from Andy Baldwin’s season and to move on. ABC has already milked that storyline to death. So instead Ashley plays with her braided rope bracelet that she obviously stole from me in Hilton Head 27 years ago. She gives him the rose and he accepts before they watch a weird Asian belly dancer show while kissing.


Seond date: Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas (who?), Ryan, JP, and Mickey

Ashley takes another opportunity to show off her great abs and tiny sports bra by taking the boys to learn how to Thai box. The guys all take off their shirts to show off their great abs and I shove another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth thinking that I will start to make my abs great tomorrow. After taping up their hands, they all start punching the shit out of little Thai boys. Ames thinks these boys there for a different reason but Ashley is too busy noticing all the nice abs to realize that Ames is more interested in the locals than her. Then the men all have to pick a color of a boxing uniform to “fight” in. Ames picks pink. They pile into the back of a pickup truck and get carted off to an illegal boxing ring. The guys all pretend that 1.) they know what Thai boxing is and 2.) they’ve seen it on TV. They hop in a ring and box just the way we do here in America.

Blake vs. Lucas: win goes to Blake.

Mickey vs. JP: win goes to JP.

Ames vs. Ryan: win goes to Ryan.

Constantine vs. Nick: win goes to Ben F.’s twin.

But Ashley doesn’t even stick around to watch the last fight because she knows Ames isn’t right. She’s a dentist (kinda) afterall- she’s like practically a doctor!

While Ames’s hot pink wrapped pedicured feet are being wheeled down a Thai hospital hallway, Ashley is busy getting ready for the night part of her group date. She puts on a super short kool-lot unitard and does a side braid with her hair. I was hoping she’d rock the side bang braid but Michelle Money couldn’t fly all the way to Chiang Mai to do it for her.


Ashley pulls Ryan aside first to ask him why he beat up Ames. He points out that he has a bruise on his eye. Then Ames finally arrives at the party after the doctors fixed his broken finger nail. He’s traded in his hot pink shorts for some tight, white pants and deck shoes.


Ashley immediately pulls Ames aside for some one on one time. She has instructions from CH and the ABC legal team to make sure he isn’t going to sue. He assures her he is not suing but tells her he has a concussion, he’s mildly (or was it wildly?) in love, and that she is wearing way too much eye shadow.


The rest of the date is pretty boring. Lucas feels her butt up while she begs for some attention asks for a golf lesson. But the date rose goes to Blake.


Third Date: “Guide Me to Love” William and Ben C.


The three go to some Tom Sawyer raft. Ashley makes the boys do all the work and row her lazy ass down the river while she sits there like a queen. They finally arrive at a picnic. The first alone time goes to William who immediately throws Ben C. under the bus by telling Ashley that he wants to go home to dating web sites. Ashley goes into her self destructive low self-esteem mode and questions the ABC intern if he knows if the guys are all there for the “right reasons” or not.

Ashley: “Are you sure they all like me?!?!?”

ABC intern: “Sure, whatever. Can I go back with CH at the strip club now?”

Ashley: “No! I need to make sure they’re not disappointed that I’m not Emily. Can you help me out? Maybe sneak into their rooms and read their diaries for me?”

ABC intern: “Look, I didn’t blab to you when Bentley said he’d rather date a piece of lint than you. I obviously can’t share. Please let me get back to CH and my vodka tonic!”


So instead, Ashley decides to trust William and sends Ben C. home on the reject raft without even talking to him about William’s accusations. This time some Thai men have to paddle his ass across the water. He contemplates that it’s too bad that his flash mob partner doesn’t feel the same way about him that he feels about her. But we don’t hear all he’s saying because he’s too busy typing his match.com profile on his iphone while William and Ashley ride around on elephants and a “navigator” grabs Ben C.’s bags from the men’s villa.


For the night portion of their date, Ashley wears her red and black zebra dress and takes William to an outdoor picnic which appears to be back at the Bachelor villa in LA. Ashley realizes that even though she enjoyed their first date, the spark with William is gone. So he doesn't get the rose either. But he too gets a free van ride back to the airport and the U.S. of A. Then Ashley picks up the date rose and throws it into the fire. I hoped her insecurities would get burned up too but no such luck.


Rose Ceremony:

Ashley’s head is not in the right place. Probably because of that crazy tight high pony and smokey eye shadow. Or maybe because all the guys are losers and don’t really like her. After all, she’s not Emily. She’s also still in love with Bentley and can’t get him out of her mind.


Finally CH arrives with his champagne glass of doom to whisk Ashley away to have a sit down.

CH: “Ok, sit down and tell me what you are feeling. You over that A-hole yet?”

Ashley: “I can’t get Bentley out of my mind.”

CH: “Him? Again? Seriously? Still?”

Ashley: “He said ‘dot, dot, dot’ Chris! There was no period!”

CH: “Look, do I need to make a phone call or what? Quit your whining and let me know. I’ve never worked so hard for my paycheck as I am with you!”

Ashley: “You can do that Chris? Really?”

CH: “Have you seen my eyes Ashley? They are magic. Now tell me what to do. The ice in my scotch is melting.”

Ashley: “Get that ABC intern on the phone Chris. Tell him to call up Ronald McDonald and find out if his daughter is really named Cozy or what!”


In the meantime, Ashley goes to pass out some more roses. Blake and Ben F. already have roses. The rest go to:

Constantine

Lucas (again, who?)

JP

Ames

Mickey

Ryan


Going home in the reject van with Ben C. and William is Nick. The three of them practice their flash mob dance they will perform at the Men Tell All special.


So that’s where we end week 5. Anyone else think Bentley was coming back tonight and watched just to see his ugly mug bash her ugly mug? Oh well... gives me an excuse to watch next week. See you then!


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Ashley Episode 4 Recap

CH welcomes us back to another episode of the Bachelorette by telling the boys to join him at the mansion where he recaps how the dates go on this show for 102nd time. He doesn’t drop the first date card on the coffee table though! Instead, he tells the guys they are going to Phuket, Thailand. I mumble “Oh Phuck-it” as I watch the guys scramble to pack and squeal like girls to travel around the world to see the girl who is still obviously in love with Dexter.


The ABC intern gets to show off his mad graphic designer and geography skills with the cartoon airplane flying from LA to Phuket. I once again mumble “Oh Phuck-it” as I watch the fools flip-cam video each other in the airport and on the plane as Ashley brags about whoring it up with 12 guys to a mortified and confused Thai travel agent.


The guys finally arrive at the villa to see that CH has already dropped the 1st date card on the coffee table before making like a bread truck and hauling buns to the closest Thai strip club and bar where he is already boozing it up with the locals without even having to put in any face time with the camera. Man, I want his job!


1st Date: Constantine “Let’s C Phuket together”


Constantine gets ready for the date by putting on his t-shirt that says “I’m Constantine, NOT Constantine’s twin that makes wine” to help Ashly out on the date. Then he goes to meet Ashley under a huge umbrella that proves to be a theme for the whole episode. The two are supposed to take a boat ride but the light drizzle and tiny waves makes the captain call it off. He tells them in sign language that it’s too dangerous to sail because of the weather. After making fun of him for not being able to speak English, Constantine and Ashley decide to shop at the local flea market instead, where they make fun of more locals together. They find a local business man and decide to harass him on camera. Unfortunately, neither Constantine nor Ashley speaks Thai. So they find a local who speaks English to help translate. Thru sub-titles, we learn the convo goes like this:

Constantine: “I see he has a wedding ring on. Ask him how long he’s been married.”

English Speaking Local: “These fools want to know how long you’ve been married.”

Businessman: “Tell them 100 years. And to get this camera out of my face.”

English Speaking Local to Constantine and Ashley: “Um 36 years?”

Ashley: “What’s his secret?”

English Speaking Local “They want to know your secret.”

Businessman: “Tell them I didn’t go on a trashy reality TV show to find my wife.”


That satisfies Ashley and Constantine and after the cameraman tells them they have enough footage of the two of them on the day part of their date, he releases them to go drink some beers and talk about “not winning” (they obviously didn’t listen to Charlie Sheen). Then they run through the rain to a wicker hut for dinner. They talk about how they both like each other but are afraid of getting hurt before they kiss and Ashley gives him the rose.


2nd Date: Constantine’s twin, JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas (who?), William, and Ryan “Let’s Make the World a Better Place”


Ashley picks up the guys in the pouring rain holding the same damn blue umbrella and takes them to an orphanage for kids who lost their parents in the ’06 tsunami. She wastes no time in putting the guys to work. They all pretend that 1.) this date was Ashley’s idea and 2.) that they want to paint on a date with 9 other guys. In the pouring rain no less.


Ryan bugs everyone by bossing everyone around. They’ve been in the orphanage for 5 hours but I’ve yet to see a single kid. Ashley is more concerned that she’s yet to see a single guy flirt with her though. Thankfully, before we can witness another self-esteem meltdown over not being Chantal nor Emily, Ashley takes the guys to an after party. She pulls Constantine’s twin aside first to tell him that she had fun with him last night on their one on one date and is impressed with his elephant drawing/painting skills. He pretends he is in fact Constantine and kisses her.


Meanwhile, the guys all bitch about Ryan while Ashley pulls him aside for some alone time. He lies and tells her he’s a “guy’s guy” and she eats it up!


Then she pulls JP aside to sit in a mud puddle and make out in the rain. She makes him carry her back which makes the other guys upset and jealous.


Ashley finally picks up the date rose to pass out before Ryan once again steals her away to beg for the rose. He tells her he’d like more time to talk to her but too bad for Ry-Ry. The date rose goes to Constantine’s twin.


3rd Date: Ames “It’s More Romantic In the Rain”


Ashley meets Harry Connick Jr. in the rain. They hop on a boat to have the date she was supposed to have with Constantine. Ames tells her all the things he’s done in his life. I would list them all here but it would be easier to list the things he hasn’t done: sky dive, date women, and make a girl “satisfied.”


The two climb onto a “banana” and row into a cave. They talk about how it is “mysterious” and so beautiful, Ames can’t even talk to Ashley. They finally row to a little beach and eat snowcones? Huge sushi rolls? Ice cream with sprinkles? What the hell was that? Ashley tells him she wants someone “devoted” as a partner. When pushed, she can’t really tell him what that means.


The night part of the date involves Ashley wearing an 80’s purple shirt and a super short cut off jeans skirt. Ames coordinates his shirt color to match Ashley’s outfit. The two eat dinner as Ashley insults his nerdiness. Ashley realizes that she would not have noticed Ames if Bentley had still been around and she’s impressed with him. She gives him the date rose. But there was no kiss!


Rose Ceremony


Ashley arrives wearing a disco party costume to welcome the guys to the cocktail party. I notice her bangs are starting to grow out and wonder if that’s intentional or if she just hasn’t had time for a good trim.


She pulls West aside first to question him on his wife’s death. But instead of asking him point blank if he killed her or not, she chooses to question if he is ready to love again after her passing. He promises her that he is ready but Ashley is not buying it.


Next she pulls Lucas (who?) aside to ask about his divorce. I didn’t even know this guy was on the show before let alone that he was divorced. He talks and talks but I don’t even know what he’s saying because I’m truly trying to figure out who this is and where he came from.


Blake and Ryan share a homoerotic moment on the couch while Blake tells Ryan that everyone hates him. Ryan is shocked! Why shouldn’t everyone love him? There are soldiers fighting over seas. Doesn’t that translate to everyone loving Ryan? Well it should damn it!


Finally CH arrives, banging his champagne glass of doom. The producers decide that he needs to earn his paycheck, so they make him sit down with Ashley to hash out her feelings.


CH: “So how are you doing Ashley? Get over that douchebag, Bentley, yet?”

Ashley: “I loved this week! I had two great one on one dates and an amazing group date. But I also am still in love with Bentley. I have women’s intuition. I know this is not over. Remember Chris, he said ‘dot, dot, dot.’”

CH: “So where is your head at? Where is your heart at? Do you care that I end all my sentences in a preposition?”

Ashley: “If you are going to break the grammar rules Chris, can I break some rules too? I want to give an extra rose and only send one guy home this week.”

CH: “There are no rules Ashley. Just let me know if I need to practice counting to 7 or 8.”

Ashley decides on 8 and CH goes off to practice before lining the men up for another rose ceremony.


Ames, Ben F., and Constantine already have roses. The rest go to Lucas (seriously, who?), Ryan, JP, Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, and Ben C. Which means that West is getting a free van ride to the airport. Say hello to your dead wife’s parents for me West!



So that’s it. What do you think? Did Ashley make the right decision to send West home? Do you think things with Bentley are over or is there more to the dot, dot, dot? Discuss in the comments and check back next week to see if CH actually puts in face time or phones it in once again!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ashley Episode 3 Recap

Episode 3 opens with CH welcoming the remaining men and the masked freak to week 3 of the train wreck wearing his zip up sweatshirt and jeans. He wastes no time with the pleasantries and after explaining the rules of the game for the 100th time, he drops the date card on the coffee table and makes like Janet Jackson and nips out.


1st Date: Ben C. “Love Strikes in a Flash.” Ashley arrives at the mansion wearing my disco party off the shoulder shirt to pick up Ben C. to take him dancing. Because, you know, she’s the next Tenley. They make up a dance my 6 year old daughter and her friends could have put together in my front yard. Then they start a flash mob to dance the dance that she taught him before. A little Far East Movement is all it takes for Ben C. to decide he wants to marry Ashley. That and 100 strangers dancing with them. He sums it up well when he admits to the camera that this is the most “ridiculous first date” he’s ever been on. Amen Ben C. Amen.


Ashely: “If I had any doubts about Ben’s dancing abilities, they’ve definitely been put to rest.” I laugh as she says this. Is this really her criteria for marriage? If so, I better find myself a good divorce attorney. Who cares that it’s been 11 years? Oh and by the way, who else thought that the lead singer of FEM was a woman?


Ashely changes into my beach cover up for dinner and goes with Ben C. to some hotel’s roof top pool. They discuss what they are looking for in love.


Ben C.: “I want to live in a bubble with the person I’m in love with!”

Ashley: “What do you mean by that?”

Ben C.: “Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode with the bubble boy? That’s what I want. Moops!”

Ashley: “Me too! Will you accept this rose?”

Ben C.: “Of course!”

They seal the deal with a kiss.



Date 2: Ames, Ben F., Blake, Jeff, Lucas, Chris D., Nick, Ryan, William, Bentley. “Make Me Laugh.”


The Phantom of the Opera waits for Ashley to arrive on the balcony. Once she gets there she asks him to throw down his hair and he does. They have a talk where The Mask decides to rid himself of his freak flag and take off his mask. Ashley bites her lip to keep from laughing as Zorro removes his mask.


The group leaves for The Comedy Club to perform stand up comedy for Ashley via a roast. I know she wasn’t ABC’s first choice (as we’ll soon see she’s not the bachelors’ first choice either) but I think it’s a little cruel of the producers to make her sit through this.


The roast master, Jeffrey Ross arrives and the guys all go nuts over him. The wine maker/Crosby look alike/Constantine’s twin sums him up best.

Ben F.: “He does all the great roasts. Pam Anderson, David Hasselhoff, all those others from Bay Watch.”


The guys all sit down to write their jokes about each other and Ashley and I get up to get a glass of wine. I’m gonna need it to get through the next hour and a half of this snore fest!


Lucas (who?) is up first. He makes a joke about her huge forehead which endears me to him right away. The rest of the guys parade through the microphone and make fun of each other while playing it safe with Ashley. Except for Prince William who makes fun of Ashley for having small boobs and losing to Brad. The truth really hurts and it makes Ashley cry. The perfect opportunity for Bentley to comfort her. He feeds her some bullshit which she eats up like ice cream before telling the camera that Bentley makes her feel safe.


At the after party, Ashley arrives crying about the fact that they hurt her feelings. During a roast. And hopefully she was also crying because the ABC intern could only find Danny Zuko’s black leather jacket for her wear when she told him she was cold. Prince William feels like shit for calling her out on her small boobs and not being Emily and pulls her aside to apologize.

Prince William: “I wasn't even thinking about you. I just wanted to make people laugh. Please excuse my tears as I cry like a 5 year old girl. I’m sorry.” He takes off to cry some more in private.

Ashley sits down to talk to the other guys and luckily for her, she has the Masked Man to help raise her spirits.
Jeff: “So I have a 3 legged dog.”

Ashley: (laughing) “This is great! Why didn’t you use this at the comedy club?”

Jeff: “No. I’m serious. I adopted him.”

The producers decide to show Prince William running down the street so we don’t have to watch 1.) Ashley laughing at Jeff and 2.) Jeff continuing to talk. Good move producers.


Finally Ryan pulls Ashley aside to give her what she wants. Affirmation that he wants her here. And he wants the date rose. They kiss and Ashley is finally pulled out of her funk. She gives him the date rose to thank him.


But first she decides to confront Bentley and his true intentions. She calls him out on the warning Crazy Michelle sent her about him about him only being there to promote something. Bentley doesn't answer her question other than vague reassurances that he doesn't have any hit songs about love not coming easy. Then he asks her to bury her head in his armpit while he pets her head. Ashley likes it!


The next morning we get to witness Ashely walking in the mist while fantasizing about running off to marry Bentley and his other 6 wives in Salt Lake City when ding-dong. Who’s at the door? Why, speak of the devil! It’s the devil himself! He feeds her the line that he misses his daughter. And that he has to return Jake’s plaid flannel shirt to him. He feels bad but at least his hair looks good. And yes. Yes, his hair does look good. If he were trying out to be the blond Ronald McDonald.


The ABC intern gives him a lift to Ashley’s place where we hear for the 99th time that Bentley wishes she was Emily. She cries, he makes excuses, her mascara runs, the cameraman walks by in the kitchen after setting up his camera on a tri-pod (or maybe it was the ghost from Three Men and a Baby), Bentley pimps out his daughter for his own agenda. Ashley is very sad about Bentley leaving but she is still able to continually “fix” her hair. There was a lot of crying and a lot of snot. And a lot of bull shit. Bentley is a great catch! I’m so glad he dumped Ashley so now I can pursue him. Or dot, dot, dot. Because a dot is better than a period. But nothing is better than a big purple comforter. By the way, who was she talking to in that bed? Do you think CH was under those covers? Probably not because I don’t think there would be tears if that was the case, right? Or wishes for a happy ending.


Date 3: J.P. “There Is No Place Like Home.”


Ashley dons her jeggings and 1980’s white blouse to prepare for J.P.’s date. She wipes the snot off her face while staring into the fire.


J.P. tells her he’s sorry that Bentley went home while Ashley shoves food into her mouth. She talks with her mouth full to tell him that he’s great.

J.P. “No, you’re great!”

Ashely: “You are great!”

J.P. “No you!”

Ashley: “You!”


They change into their PJs. Actually, J.P. changes into my 3 year old son’s pajamas. They sit in front of the fire and J.P. listens to her cry about Bentley leaving for the 50th time. Then she finally gives him the date rose that he clearly earned.



Rose Ceremony


Once again the rain is pouring down as Ashley steps out of the limo in her Amanda Woodward dress of diamonds. She is so focused on Bentley that she goes to cry to his picture before placing it face down.


CH arrives in the deliberation room for a sit down.

CH: “Wow- isn’t it a relief that the douch bag is finally gone?”

Ahsley (crying): “What do you mean, Chris?”

CH: “Bentley. The guy has a dumb name and his daughter has an even dumber name!”

Ashley: “He was my soul mate. Don’t talk about him like that.”

CH: “Are we talking about the same guy here Ashley? He is a total jerk!”

Ashely: “But I like him. I really like him-like him even.”

CH: “Oh stop your whining. You were warned by Crazy Michelle about him from the get go.”

Ashley: “She’s not crazy Chris. Did you see the braided bangs she patented?”

CH: “He was just here to promote his business Ashley.”

Me: “What business was he promoting exactly? I don’t even know what this guy does.”

CH: “Come on Ash. Suck it up and get out there to pass out the roses. I can’t sit here and listen to you cry anymore. I’ve got to go practice counting to 9.”


Ashley arrives to pass out the roses, but first she makes her speech the producers wrote for her a few minutes before.

Ashley: “Sorry for taking so long guys. I am still crying over the roast and the mean things you all said about me not being Emily. To compensate for it and hopefully make some of you still want to stick around, I got a wrist tattoo just like hers. But then Bentley left and it drained me. I didn’t think we should have a cocktail party tonight because I don’t think I can pretend to care about you guys for even an hour. So I’m just gonna pass out the rest of these roses to the guys the producers picked for me to have stick around for comedy/drama value. Except you Jeff. Since you’ve taken that stupid mask off you have no draw anymore. With that being said, here goes dot, dot, dot.”


Roses go to:

  • Ryan
  • Ben C.
  • J.P.
  • Constantine
  • West
  • Mickey
  • Orville Reddenbaucher
  • Blake
  • Nick
  • Harry Connick Jr.
  • Lucas (serious, who?)
  • Prince William


Which means that going home in the reject van with Bentley is The Mask and Chris.


So that’s it folks. What did you think of tonight’s episode? Was Bentley producer contrived or is he really a jerk? Did Ashley cut her bangs just so she could braid them? Why did Jeff have to throw his mask into the fire? Doesn’t he realize he will need that if he ever wants to show his face in public again? Leave your comments below and I will see you all next week!