Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ali Episode 1 recap

Episode 1 gets going right away with a quick recap of Ali on Jake’s season of the Bachelor. We hear Ali’s voice over (while walking around San Francisco with her bra strap showing while big 80’s sweater falls off her shoulder a la Flashdance) tell us she’s ready to put love first.


Next, ABC shows us a video montage of Ali getting ready to be the next Bachelorette: shopping, trying on dresses, jogging, playing soccer, drinking coffee, walking on beach, looking pensive out the window (that face was either pensive or someone let a stinky), playing in ocean in a yellow dress without a bra. You know- all the things a good Bachelorette should be doing. I wondered why they never show the contestant sitting around the house in sweats, watching tv and drinking a beer. Because I’m sure that is something they all do too, right?


CH is in the Bachelorette pad and introduces us to the bachelors back in their home towns. This is filler because we get to meet them all again when they get out of the limo 3 minutes later. This is what I wrote down about each guy as I met them (via CH via hometown videos):


Frank- is 31 years old and lives at home with his parents. He wears glasses.
Jay- works in his dad’s law firm and is Kevin Nealon’s stand in on SNL.
Craig from Canada- he’s all aboot gelling his hair.
Kyle- outdoorsman. What the hell is that? Is it a profession? Sounds like a new member of the Village People.
Justin- beats the shit out of people for a living. Reminds me of a character from a Ben Stiller movie. He’s also a momma’s boy, a grandma’s boy and has a broken foot.
Phil- his brother just died so he decided to go on The Bachelorette. Still trying to figure out how those two are related to each other but there has to a connection somewhere/somehow because next up we get:
Chris L.- moved back home to take care of his sick mom before she died. Her death made him decide to go on the Bachelorette.
Jonathon- weatherman. Total dork!
Ty- I liked him. First impression of him is that he will go far. He’s divorced and loves his dog.
Derrick- looks at himself in the mirror and says, “You’re amazing!” Who says that? Dork!


Next, CH reintroduces us to Ali. She comes to the mansion and steps out of the limo. Most girls who get choosen to be the Bachelorette loose a ton of weight before the show begins. Not that Ali needed to. But she looks like she gained weight. That or else she was just hiding all the dumb prop gifts the guys give her in dress. Oh and her hair is way too long now. Ali talks to CH about how she gave up her job and apartment for this show. She wants ot find love because she needs someone to take care of her now since she has no money and is homeless. I can’t stand her already. Oh and it only gets worse.


The guys arrive and get out of the limo. I felt like I already met these guys. Oh that’s right, I did. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the few that stood out (for good or bad) as they met Ali for the first time.


Frank- he’s the guy who quit his job and lives with his parents and is trying to become a playwrite. He got out of the limo by climbing out the sunroof.
Justin- he’s the guy with the broken ankle but he won’t tell Ali how he did it till she finds him in the house. Who does he remind me of? It’s starting to drive me crazy.
Jay- gets out of the limo and rushes right past Ali because Kevin Nealon needs his gray suit back and Maks from DWTS needs his gray patent leather shoes back.
Chris H. (not to be confused with the actual Chris Harrison)- gives Ali a rose and tells her he’s the 9th Chris already this season because the producers wanted to fuck with her and find as many guys with the same name as possible.
Craig- he’s the 20th Craig and his goofy hair reminds me of Sean Penn. He greeted Ali by saying, “I’m so glad you are not Vienna.” SO AM I! As much as Ali bugs me, I don’t think I could even watch Vienna for a whole season!


At this point I noticed that after meeting each guy, Ali would say, “See you inside.” Then she’s purse her lips in some weird smile and hunch her shoulders while she watched them walk into the house. All while clutching her dress like my 5 year old daughter did at her preschool graduation.


John C.- proposed with a CZ ring. This is when I started to wonder what she does with this crap all these guys give her? Does Chris Harrison come and hold it for her? Does the ABC intern put it in a shoebox marked, “Bachelorette Season Ali” for her to take home as a parting gift at the end? Does she shove it down the back of her dress to make the junk in her truck a little bigger?
Jonathon- weatherman- looked like Jake when he got out of the limo.


Here is when I noticed there are a lot of guys this season named Craig, Chris, John, Tyler, and Derrek. So I went to ABC’s web site and did a little research. Here is what I found out: there are 3 Chrises (not counting CH), 2 Craigs, 2 Derekes, 3 Johns, and 3 Tylers. Wow! That seems like a lot of repeating names.


Hunter- he’ll go far. After he pees that is.
Derek- he’s from a SNL skit. He has no neck and his hair needs to be washed. He also threw leaves on Ali.
Phil- gave her crazy stalker eyes.
Jason- drunk? No, he just got out of the limo on the wrong side so he could climb over the limo and do a flip off of it.


Once inside the mansion with all the guys, we find out a little more about each of the men:
Kirk- he made a scrapbook for Ali. After giving it to Ali, he had to go to the bathroom and change his tampon.
Hunter- wrote and sang a cute song on the ukulele for Ali. I think I like him too.
One of the Derrick’s said his nickname was Shooter. He pulled her aside to explain why. Apparently he is a premature ejaculator. But before he could finish explaining this, he shot his wad all over her.


The rest of the cocktail party was pretty boring. Ali tip toed around the house with her shoulder all hunched up and clutched her dress the whole night. She looked so uncomfortable! I was beginning to get uncomfortable too. Good thing I had this on DVR and I could fast forwarded through most of the nonsense!


Craig L.- gave her a mini shoe keychain…. What was the significance of that? Oh and it was yellow- she went nuts over that fact! Apparently yellow is her favorite color. You know, because all 30 year olds have a favorite color????


CH comes in the cocktail party with his twist of “Who’s Not Here For The Right Reasons? Box.” I stopped caring 62 minutes ago. He also had the first impression rose. Ali gave the 1st impression rose to Roberto and his eyebrows. The guys fight over who isn’t there for the right reasons. You know, because they’ve known each other for 5 minutes longer than Ali has known each of them so they’d know. The guy with the most votes in CH’s box was Justin. Or R-Rated. He was the entertainment wrestler with the broken foot. The guys thought that because he’s a fake wrestler he’s fake with Ali too? Or maybe that the mostly girl audience who watches this train wreck of a show will see him on here and start watching WWE? Either way, Ali decided to keep him and gave him a rose too.


Finally, the rose ceremony begins. Roberto and Justin already had roses. The rest of the roses went to:
Jesse (he gave her the heart necklace he made with his jigsaw)
Ty (divorced guy)
Craig R.- I got nothing
Tyler B.- no clue
Frank (glasses, Paris playwrite wannabe)
Steve (curly hair)
Chris L.- nada
Kirk
John C.
Chris N.
Chris H.
Hunter (ukulele)
Craig M. (hair from 1950s)
Jonathon (weatherman)
Kasey (cute accent- where is he from? Seemed very nice and normal)


So why did she pass out 17 roses? Wasn’t CH counting? Was the ABC intern trying to mess with Ali? Or with us? Why couldn’t she have kept Kyle around another week so we could all find out what the profession of “outdoorsman” really is? What did you think of the show? The guys? Ali? Please tell me not all episodes are going to be 2 hours. See you back here next week. I promise to have the recap up sooner next week. This has just been a crazy week so far. Until then…